i'll walk through the river if you tell me to

We each have a story. 

Life is made up of stories. 

What do you do when you get together with family and friends? You tell stories. 

What is dinner conversation around the table made up of? Stories.

What do you talk about to that obnoxious person sitting next to you on the plane that you wish would just shut themselves up already? You tell them stories. About yourself. About your family. About your job. About your school. About you embarrassing moments. About the times where your life was changed and impacted the most. 

Its how we relate with other people. Its how we come to mutual understanding. Its just what we do. 

For some of us, stories have more to do with who we are, not simply what we do. 

In fact, I would go as far as to say that stories are indeed, the very DNA of humanity, who we are. Corporately and individually. 

Here is a story. 

A ridiculous one at that. Completely true though.

I scribbled in a journal on December 21, 2008: "I wanted to die yesterday. There was no reason to live." 

My days were hopeless. The darkness around me had finally consumed me. Every part. 

I would wake up hopeless, and go to bed hopeless. 

The nearest speck of light was miles away. Invisible from my standpoint. 

I'd wake up. Through the course of the day I would cut myself several times. Throw up every time I ate. Contemplate suicide. Plan how I would go about escaping. Cry. Wishing I could escape, believing that my only way to freedom was death. Denying myself every source of hope and life. 

Broken prayers. 

Long journal entries full of words like... "I want to die. I'm done. I cut again. Food is repulsive. Why does everybody hate me and want to leave me alone? I'd be better off dead. Nobody would miss me." 

Dramatic Facebook posts, making my hopeless state known to the whole world. 

I had labels. 

Bulimic. Cutter. Depressed. Suicidal. Failure. 

I believed the stories the enemy was telling me and finally took action in agreement with them. 

Here's a story. 

A ridiculous one at that. Completely true though. 

January 8th, 2009. 

I sit on the floor in my bedroom. 

I have decided that life is no longer worth living. I can't win the battles I'm facing. I can't escape without the escape of death. Its time. 

My pink razor blade in my right hand. 

"God. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep trying and failing to get out any longer. I'm done. I'm sorry. If you want me to live, you have to show me life is worth living RIGHT NOW, or its all over." 

In that moment, the presence of God invades my bedroom in the most tangible way I had ever experienced it before. 

A pressure forces my hand down and the razor blade to the ground. I let go. 

I fall apart in the arms of the One who had come to rescue me. He came to me, in my darkest moment, when I wasn't even looking for Him. 

He began to speak life, freedom, joy, hope and purpose over me. 

The chains of 6 months of complete bondage fell off in one moment. 

I was free. 

Redeemed. 

From the ashes my life had been burned into, came beauty. I lit the match that set my life on fire, burning it into ashes...but God still proved Himself big enough and good enough to turn it into something beautiful. 

Here's a story. 

A ridiculous one at that. Completely true through. 

Its been four years since the day that Jesus came to my rescue and broke all of my chains. 

Jesus has taken me on a road that I could have never dreamed of, and the dreams He has for my life go far beyond anything I would have deemed myself "worthy" or "capable" of doing. 

I have the incredible honor of being in full time ministry.

Something I fought God on for years. I told Him I would do anything but ministry. That didn't last long. 

My mom tells me how before I was born, my dad wanted to get snipped, but after praying, God told her that He had one more for them. And that was me. She told me that she believes my calling goes far beyond any of my brothers or sisters. That I was born to change the world. Literally. 

My entire life has been a battle between light and dark. 

The enemy and his relentless attacks to try and take me out, as he is scared to death of what God has placed inside of me.  

And my Father. His relentless pursuit of my heart, soul, attention, affection, and my will to be exchanged for His.

Every time the enemy though he was close to winning. Each time I thought he was close to winning. My Father came in and proved that He had already won the battle, swept me up into His arms, into His love, and into His greater purposes for my life. 

I am called to write books. To travel. To speak to large groups of women. To rescue girls from sex trafficking. To adopt babies. To have countless spiritual children. To bring the Kingdom of Heaven on earth.  

Isaiah 61:1-3 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise, instead of a spirit of despair."

This is my life's calling. Purpose. Dreams. Big. Almost too big. I definitely wouldn't have come up with these dreams by myself. 

I hated women. Now all I think about is women's ministry. 

I was petrified of public speaking. Now I see myself on stage, speaking, all the time. 

I wanted to deliver babies. Ministry was never on my radar. 

I certainly didn't feel equipped, worthy, or good enough to be chosen for the plans God has laid out for me. 

Here's a story. 

A ridiculous one at that. Completely true through. 

Two thousand some years ago, an average young girl named Mary, had an extraordinary encounter with God. 

An angel appeared to her. Perhaps she was sleeping. Perhaps she was collecting water. Perhaps she was baking bread for her family. Perhaps she was planning her wedding to her promised fiance, Joseph. 

Luke 1:28-33, "The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David,  and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.” 

An average, teenage girl. And God called her to be the mother of His one and only Son. 

I'd say that's pretty extraordinary. 

Mary's response? 

Verse 34...“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

Me? No way. "I'm a virgin." She took something, not bad at all, actually a good thing, and used it as the reason for what she thought she wasn't the right girl for the job. 

Her own ability wasn't enough to carry out what the angel had said to her. 

How many times do we do that? 

God calls us to do something, and yet, we don't think we can do it, and so we question Him. 

"But God. Let's be reasonable here. Me? I'm too shy. I'm too broken. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not good enough. I had a baby when I was 18...my life is over. I was raped. I had an eating disorder. I'm insecure. I'm afraid. I don't know enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not __________ enough." 

You fill in the blank. 

What is it that you don't think you are enough of? 

I guarantee you that God sees you as fully fit for the job. 

He didn't use the fact that Mary was a virgin to limit her from having His baby. In fact, He chose her because of it. Her weakness. His strength. 

Let's keep reading. 

Luke 1:35-37, "The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

Notice how the angel didn't give her a list of what she had to do in order to be eligible or good enough for the calling God created her for? 

No, no. 

"The power of the Most High will overshadow you...no word from God will ever fail." 

She didn't have to do anything to qualify herself for her calling. She was already qualified because God made her with that specific purpose in mind. 

God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. 

She simply had to be.  

To rest in what God had made her for. To believe. To walk in her destiny. Knowing she was born to carry the Son of God. Accepting it, even though it would be the hardest possible thing He could ask of her. 

And that was exactly what she did. What was her response? 

"...Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true. And the angel left her...” (vs. 38)

When she knew that she didn't have to make it happen. The fact that God's calling on her life had nothing to do with her ability, and everything to do with His power...she knew that whatever He said was Truth and would happen, if she was willing. All God needed was a willing and obedient heart to carry out His plan. 

What if we were so willing? What if we had the kind of faith that Mary had? Accepting God's call, knowing that it wouldn't be easy. 

Imagine having to explain to your parents. To your fiance. 

"See. I'm pregnant. But the baby isn't mine. It's God's. He just sort of...dropped it inside of me." 

They must have thought she had lost her marbles. No wonder Joseph planned to divorce her. 

A baby? Born to a virgin? Yeah. Right. Not in the book of natural, human possibility. 

But it was in God's book. 

How hard must have it been for Mary?

Your parents don't believe you. You're a shame to the family. 

Your fiance doesn't believe you. He's considering having you stoned. But decides to divorce you instead. 

Your church just sees you as the knocked up teenage slut.

The town is embarassed of you. 

But.

God is pleased with you. 

God looks on you with delight. 

God says, "That's my girl. She's the one I want. Jesus, go. Its time."

We must remember the promises of our Father God. 

He said that He would never leave us or forsake us. 

He said that you are His masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He created in advance for you to do. For you to do. Nobody else. 

He said that we would face trouble, but He has overcome the world. 

He said that if we are willing and humble, He would exalt us. 

He said that we are hidden in Christ and seated with Him in the heavenly realms. 

He promised. Promised. That He would be with us until the end. 

My precious friend, Jordan (you can find her at justacupofjo.com), wrote a song. She sent it to me a few months ago and I stumbled upon it tonight. Listened to it. And the Lord stirred my heart to write this.  

A part of the song describes the incredible promises of our God: 

"When you say 'Come', I will follow your lead. I will walk through the river if You tell me to. And I know that You will be right beside me, Lord, You will not let me drown. You are faithful. You're never leaving. I'll say yes to all that You ask of me." 

I will walk through the river if You tell me to. 

I know that You are right beside me. 

You will not let me drown. 

You are faithful.

You are never leaving. 

I will say yes to all that You ask of me. 

My precious Jordan has the faith of Mary. The willing heart of Mary. I have watched her walk through the deepest valleys, where it seemed like God had forgotten or left her. But she kept walking through. Kept believing that God was right there with her, that He arms were at the end of the valley, waiting to pull her out. She didn't say "I can't". She said, "God, You can." 

What would our churches look like if we all had the kind of faith Mary had? 

The faith that said, "I don't care how hard it gets. You called me. You are with me. And that's all that matters."

What would our world look like? 

I imagine it would be a world more drawn to the loving heart of Jesus. 

Mary had a song in her heart that was recorded for all of history to take part in. 

A song of salvation. 

A song of hope. 

A song of redemption. 

A song of peace. 

A song of faith. 

“Oh, how my soul praises the Lord. How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior! For he took notice of his lowly servant girl, and from now on all generations will call me blessed. For the Mighty One is holy, and he has done great things for me..." (vs.46-49)

This story might seem ridiculous. Absurd, even. But it is completely true. 

And it can be true in your life, just as it is in mine. 

God can take the most broken of lives, and give them the highest of callings. 

He knows that the most broken lives will give Him the most glory in the end. For they know that none of their accomplishments or glories came from their own strength or abilities, but from the mighty power of God that rests upon them. 

You might be broken. 

But you are chosen. 

You are called. 

You are enough. 

You were created for greatness and to display the glory of our God to this world. 

We see it in the songs of the season. Purpose. Everywhere. 

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till' He appeared and the soul felt its worth."

God has come. Emmanuel. God with us. And He gives you ultimate worth. He makes you worthy of the call.

Life is made up of stories.

What will your story be? 

dear heart...

Dear Heart,

Why do you forget so easily the faithfulness of your God?

Why, at the first sign of trouble, heartache, confusion, loss of control, and hardships-do you go into "I must fix this" mode. And if you can't find a solution, you worry yourself to pieces. Why?

You know to trust God.

You know He is bigger than anything you will ever face.

You know He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.

And that is you. Even though sometimes you don't feel like you are called. You are. According to His purpose.

This is just a bump in the road. A chance to trust God and gain more character that will sustain you through the race and give you strength to endure till the end.

Look back and remember where your Father has brought you from, and how He has taken care of you your entire life.

Remember when you were only a child, and your daddy left your family? No love or support. There one day, gone the next. How you never learned to trust in a father because he damaged that image at such a young age. Your heavenly Father held you and took care of you since before you were born. Your daddy was never perfect. He was a man. You Father is not a man and He can, and will never fail you. He will always take care of you.

Remember when you were addicted to prescription drugs and one night He set you free? Remember how much joy filled your heart when you asked Jesus to be Lord of your life? How have you forgotten what that felt like?

Remember when you would squat down in front of the toilet to throw up, multiple times a day, everyday for six months. Those times you would lay on the bathroom floor and weep? Your Father was holding you. Drying every tear.

Remember the night you held a razor in your hand, getting ready to take the precious life God gave you...and how He intervened on your behalf and forced you to put it down, speaking His love in a way that was more real and tangible than you had ever known before? How that night He healed you from an eating disorder, depression, cutting addiction, and a suicidal desire...and set in your heart eternal, unspeakable joy? Have you forgotten?

Don't you remember when He gave you your first car, for free? And when that broke, how He provided a way it to get fixed? Then when it gave out completely, remember how He sent someone to buy it, and the day you prayed for a new car to come that day, He led you to the exact one you needed at the time?

Remember last year when your bank account was near empty and a perfect stranger gave you a check for $200? And how money would come from random places and people in the mail? How when you didn't know where the next tank of gas was going to come from, He always made a way and you never ran out?

Remember how this summer, you needed a doctor but didn't have money, He made a way for you to see one at the dream center, even though they were booked up for the next three months. Have you forgotten?

Remember how your sister was given three months to live, and God healed her? He is the God of the impossibles.

Remember how He healed your immune system after an entire year of being sick as the result of bulimia? He works miracles.

Remember how you asked for years for God to give you a spiritual father, and two months after moving to Alabama, He gave you the best man in the world to fill that spot? He is faithful.

Remember, dear heart. Don't forget the ways He has taken care of you. Don't focus on what is not here right now, focus on what you do have. You might be uncomfortable, taken to inconvenience, frustrated, angry, sad...but you must never allow that to get in the way of your faith. You must always remember the faithfulness of your God.

He has never failed you. Has He? Not once. And He never will.

Stand on the rock. Don't let your faith sink into the sand and the waves crashing around you.

You are stronger than the way you have been acting.

Stop it.

Be done.

Your Father has got you. There's no need to fret, sweetheart.

God is using your present challenges to strengthen you for greater conquests in your future.

Don't let the enemy fill you with discouragement and doubt.

The enemy only comes to steal, kill and destroy.

Don't let him.

Bind his lies. Loose faith.

Don't take his junk as your own any longer. Take up your shield and fight. Take captive every thought.

Your Father has provided. He is providing. And He will provide.

He has been faithful. He is faithful. And He will be faithful till the end.

Believe. Simply trust and believe.

You might not feel deserving or worthy to receive His love, blessing and provisions- but you are.

He wants to bless you. You just have to trust.

Open your hands. Stop clinging so tightly to something you can't do anything about. Let go. And keep your hands open so that you may receive when He sees fit to pour out.

Your Father loves you, sweet heart.

There's no need to fret.

Be still.

Be still and know that He is God. You are His child. You are His. He's got you.

Remember.

Never forget.