I came across this question written in a journal from 5 years ago.
And I began to think back on what my life was like when I was completely consumed with fear.
I still have fear. I still have insecurity. I still have doubt. But not nearly to the extent that I did.
I was afraid of everything.
I have wrestled with fear of abandonment, rejection, failure, not being good enough. Fears that affect every area of my life. Fears that intermingle with each other and make sure I stay in a place of captivity.
Over the past two years, since I started Highlands College- God has delivered me from the roots of fear on so many levels.
But it is still there. And it has been manifesting itself recently.
It has been poking its little head up and trying to make me believe that I am not good enough. Causing me to question my calling.
And I've let it. I've realized that I have lived my whole life as a punching bag to fear.
When it comes, I don't fight back. I stand there and let it have its way.
One little lie, and I have been thinking about it for weeks now. I almost believe it. There's a tiny piece of me that still says "No. That's not true." But everything else inside of me says, "Yep. You're never gonna get there. You're not good enough for that."
And so, I ask myself this question, once again.
What would my life look like without fear?
Is that even possible?
Possible? Yes. Attainable? Yes. Easy? No.
Fear is the easy way out. It is easier to think that you are not good enough for something than to stand in confidence, knowing that you were made for greatness.
Fear is a lie. It is not real. Fear looks real, feels real, smells real, tastes real, sounds real...but it is not real. It is a falsehood that we have been taught how to do since childhood.
Did you know that children do not naturally fear? No, they have to be taught what fear is.
If you tell a four year old to jump into your arms from a twelve foot ledge, what are they going to do? They're gonna jump! Why? Cause they know you're bigger than them and they trust that you are going to catch them.
Why are we afraid to take a step of faith into our calling, into the unknown, into something new, into what we were created for..whatever it may be...when we have a God who is so much bigger than us, who promises to catch us every time?
I feel that I am called to write and speak. I feel that I have been gifted and anointed to write and speak. I also feel that I am not good enough to do either. Not bold enough. Not pretty enough. Not creative enough. Not holy enough. Just not enough.
I am surrounded by phenomenally gifted people. It is so hard for me to believe in what God has placed inside of me, when others people gifts are so blatantly obvious and readily incredible. Its hard for me to not be discouraged when there are people and other girls who are getting to speak multiple times in our student chapel, when I have submitted a message multiple times that I know is directly from God for our students. But I am slowly coming to accept the fact that its not going to happen because I have always been so easily overlooked and disregarded, and its not different here. I feel like the general perspective is - 'Oh you want to speak? That's cute.'
In communication lab a few weeks ago, after I spoke, one of the guys said, "For a girl, you spoke really well and with a lot of authority." For a girl? Cause everyone knows women should stay silent. I've been quiet my whole life, and I should stay that way. But I shouldn't. There's a voice and words from God inside of me that are screaming to get out.
I have despised the fact that I am a woman. I've felt that it is a weakness. I've felt that it is an inferiority. I've thought that because I am a woman, I have no authority or voice. I feel out of place in the ministry world. It is so much easier for men in ministry. It is a man's world. But that shouldn't be the case. Women are answers. Not problems. But I feel like a problem. But in the depths of my heart, I know that I was created as a daughter- destined to be a mother in the house of God.
Even as I write this, I am cringing with how vulnerable I am being with you. I am tempted to erase it all and forget these words. But these things need to come out.
Even though I feel weak, unequipped and fully misunderstood. I have to be all that God created me to be- as a woman. I was created as a women for a purpose.
Women, including me, need to stop feeling that being a woman is a weakness. We need to stop trying to be like the men and walk in the fullness of our feminine hearts.
We understand that is is a misfit for a man to act like a woman, but we think its a strength for a woman to be more like a man. No, no. That's the wrong perspective. Man is man. Woman is woman. We were made to be allies, not enemies, and not competitors.
So everything that I have believed that has said "You're not good enough." Because I'm a woman, or for other reasons - is a lie. Every fear that I have believed is a lie.
I've always hated women. They're evil. But what our gender has been reduced to doesn't have to be what we're known for.
Woman are precious, unique, and carry a piece of God that men don't possess.
They are beautiful, reflections of their creator's beauty, and creators of beauty. They are tender, emotional, feel things deeply, and have the innate ability to nurture. They are gentle, yet fierce and strong. They can endure pain and see the fruits. A daughter is her father's joy and her mother's treasure. She is a seeker of Truth. A comforter and friend. Women lay down their lives to bring forth life. They are protectors and advocates. They are warmth. They are friends and teachers. They are guardians of the heart. They can speak life and truth in a way that no one else can. They complete areas and places that would not be whole without their presence. They are an answer to problems. They are the crown of creation. They possess wisdom. They love, and they love deeply and give us a glimpse of the loving, romantic part of God's heart.
God created men AND women in the image of Himself.
Both the voices of the mother and the father, the sons and the daughters; are needed in the house of God.
I have believed lies.
I have devalued my femininity and voice as a woman.
But the truth is, its just not my time. I'm in a season of growing, waiting, stretching, waiting, learning, waiting, and becoming. I am everything that God created me to be. Fully equipped. Gifted. Anointed. Powerful. Its just waiting to come out.
It all goes back to the moment that fear consumed my heart and never let go.
When I sat on my bed, a small child, the day my father abandoned my family and the enemy whispered to me in my vulnerability and said- "You weren't good enough to make him stay, and you will never be good enough."
Fear.
Consuming fear.
I believed a lie, and that lie has followed me around my whole life.
The reality is not that I am not good enough, no, the reality is that the enemy knows what is inside of me and what God has created me for and he is scared shitless. (pardon my French.)
The reality is not that I should be afraid, because once again, fear is not real and is a lie. The reality is that the enemy should be, and is afraid of me.
What would my life look like without fear?
Perfect love.
1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear."
How can I have a life without fear?
By knowing the heart of God and His perfect love.
By accepting His perfect love.
By knowing who my Father is, and who He says I am.
What would my life look like without fear?
Confidence.
Security.
Joy.
Encouragement.
Flourishing in my gifts.
Authority.
Power.
Value.
Is life without fear even possible? Yes. Attainable? Yes. Easy? No.
Living a life without fear is not the easy way out.
Its easier to walk in defeat than to walk in perfect confidence and authority.
But that is not the life we are called to. We are called to boldness.
We are called to walk in all that God created you to be, with the unique gifts He has given to us each.
If you are afraid, do it afraid.
God loves to make you face what you fear, because when you face what you fear, you become fearless.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
