your story isn't over yet.

today is National Survivors of Suicide Day.

i am one of them.

i was 18 years old.

depressed.

broken.

a cutter.

severely bulimic.

and wanting to die.

here's a small glimpse into my story.


8/8/2008: "i'm weak and broken right now, in every way. i feel like my life is so void of meaning right now, that it is pointless. nothing i am doing matters. i'm worthless. everything i do is futile and dead. God, you seem so distant and no matter what i do i just can't seem to find you. i'm just kind of here, wandering, unable to fight for anything. its all insignificant- i feel like my life was an accident and maybe You just wasted time with mecause i am nowhere near the person You created me to be. i  need You, but where are You?"

9/28/08: "God, when are you going to give up on me? i've let You down too many times. why do You still care? i want to reach You but i can't. its easier to accept the shame than to accept forgiveness that i don't deserve."

10/2/08: "i'm scared that i'll never be free, that one day this will kill me."

10/5/08: "i have given my will over to a razor blade, and forgotten the plans You have for me."

11/10/08: "find rest my soul, confess you're weary. surrender all, embrace your healing. find hope my soul, you know He's with you. my Saviour God, still i will praise You."

11/25/08: "i recognize that i have been accepting defeat as the norm, even before having a chance to fight."

11/28/08: "i will not give up because i know the cost of giving up is higher than the cost of endurance and battle. no weapon formed against me shall remain."

december 12, 2008

my final attempt to escape the shambles my life was in.

i sat in my bedroom with a razor blade in my hand.

i still have the scar on my wrist to this day.

i slit my wrist, hoping that it would have gone deeper than it actually did.

but my Father was protecting me and His plans for my life.

i told God that this was it. if He wanted me to live, He had to do something in that very moment or that night would be the end.

that i couldn't live like this any longer.

that i had tried to find freedom and escape from my chains, but the attempts were futile.

and i was done trying.

it would be better to end my life than to keep trying.

in those moments, something happened that i still don't have words to explain exactly what took place in that room.

a felt the hand of God forcing my hand down, and i dropped the razor blade.

the presence of God invaded my heart and the atmosphere in a way i had never experienced before.

and He began to speak.

hope.

healing.

freedom.

joy.

redemption.

beauty.

purpose.

LIFE.

the Holy Spirit breathed life back into my dead heart that night.

and chains i had been trying to break on my own for months and months at a time, crumbled on the ground in an instant.

i didn't cut one time after that night.

my eating disorder was healed completely.

depression and darkness left my soul.

He gave me unending, unexplainable joy and hope.

that night i desired death, but my perfect, loving, kind Father had different plans.

"as for you, you meant evil against me. but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today" {genesis 50:20}

i found hope.

and hope is available for you too.

beautiful heart, you have no idea how very loved you are.

your life is significant.

you are important.

you were created by a God of infinite and unending love and hope.

ending your life is never the answer.

it is a quick fix with eternal consequences.

you were made for more.

you were made for love.

to love yourself. to love others. to love God. and to let God ravish your heart with His love.

remember the plans that God has for you.

remember that He “knit you together in your mother's womb and has made you so wonderfully complex.” (Psalm 139).

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

 

let love consume you, and your beauty will shine forth from the inside out.

 

your heart is precious, lovely one. take care of your heart. respect your heart AND your body by not continuing to hurt yourself. trust me. there is so much more to life than this.

 

there is hope.

 

your life has value.

 

even if it seems like nobody is there. remember that God chose you. and He chooses you everyday.

your story does not end here.

its time to turn the page to a new chapter.

 

yesterday, you mattered. today, you matter. and tomorrow, you will still matter.

far, far better things

competition.

you love it or you hate it.

there is not middle ground when it comes to being competitive.

you are or you aren't.

i grew up in a competitive family and have always been about winning.

losing is unacceptable.

but there are some places where competition has no place and should not exist in the ways it does.

ministry.

spending two years in ministry and leadership school, i saw a spirit of competition that was completely unhealthy.

one that was used to cut down others' confidence, talent, gifts, and elevate ones' self.

it made me sick.

it still disgusts me to see it so prevalent.

i got caught up in the game for 3 out of my 4 semesters at this school.

i was so focused to pleasing my leaders, making them proud, wanting to be seen by them, having my gifts noticed and seen, and saw all the other girls who had similar gifts and talents to be a threat.

i got so focused on my calling, that i forgot about the One who it is all about.

i wasn't willing to push others out of the way in order to be noticed, but there were plenty of people who i saw let their arrogance and cockiness get it the way of embracing the call of God on each individual life.

there was somewhat of an unbalance at my school. there was so much of a focus on finding and walking in your calling, that is was very easy to forget about your relationship with Jesus. 

after seeing another pastor fall from his place of ministry because of the fleeting, short lived pleasure that sin brings for only a moment, before robbing you of your influence and dignity- i had a revelation of sorts.

i believe that God has created me for influence. i believe He has given me a voice. i believe He has made me and called me to pen and speak the words of Heaven, and bring fresh revelation for my own and the next generation.

but. here's the catch. if i don't have the relationship with Jesus, the integrity, or the character to sustain this calling- it will mean NOTHING.

so i decided to drop everything that was hindering me from focusing on Jesus. i handed back some very significant, big opportunities and leadership positions that had been entrusted to me, just so i could spend more time with Jesus.

and i entered my last semester of my internship with one focus. one single goal: to find the heart of God. to have a tangible relationship with the living God. to live a life so close to Jesus, that i didn't know that kind of intimacy could be found.

i spent every free minute i had seeking the heart of God. i tore up my Bible, took notes in every free space. wrote down the vision and every revelation and truth He gave me. worship consumed my heart and life. i had a desire to talk to Jesus again. all.the.time. about everything. there was nothing too small insignificant to share with Him. i wanted to know Him and spend every waking moment in His embrace. He was all i wanted to hear, see, smell, touch, feel. He was all that i wanted to be.

i had the best semester of my whole two years in my internship. i had locked eyes with Jesus, and the whole world seemed to fade away.

i forgot about pursuing my calling, and wholeheartedly pursued the One who called me.

instead of clenching onto "my" calling with a death grip (which was never mine in the first place), i held my hands open to the sweet leading of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, to place whatever He would want to in my hands and show me the next steps to take, by taking my open hand and guiding me through the unknowns of what would come next.

while all of my friends were panicking about where they would be going after graduation, what they would be doing, what church they would be working at, if they would get placed, getting job interviews, getting promotion- i quietly kept my heart and eyes on Jesus. it didn't matter what was next. i would follow Jesus anywhere. and when i told Him i would follow Him anywhere, i meant it, and He took it literally.

i'll be the first to admit though. i did have moments of panic where i was overwhelmed with the "what's next"?  feeling. i didn't know where the Lord was leading me. but i trusted Him to show me where to go.

then the song Oceans by Hillsong United became my life-song and anthem. not just another song to sing, or another moment in worship. it wasn't empty words. it was the cry of my heart. and i meant every word, every time.

{You call me out upon the waters. the great unknown. where feet may fail. and there i find You in the mystery. in oceans deep, my faith will stand. 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed, and You won't start now. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. 
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, 
and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.}

then i went to ARC Conference. and i met a pastor's wife who had just launched a new church plant 7 months prior. then California came on my radar. out of nowhere. i had never even had a desire to visit California. and then it was in my face and my heart longed for the golden coast. for somewhere i had never been before.

where my trust is without borders, right?

4 weeks later i was on a plane, going to California to spend a week with somebody i had known for less than 20 minutes. the doors opened so quickly and i knew it had to be the Spirit leading me.

one single conversation that changed the course and direction of my entire life.

and now i am planning on moving to California to be a part of The Movement Church. and i have never known anything was more right with more confidence, or had more peace about any decision like i do right now- in my whole life.

why?

because i was willing to put my agenda, dreams, ideas, purposes, and "my calling" aside. to lay it down at the foot of the cross, place it in the Father's hands, and tell Him to have His way. regardless of the cost. regardless of where it would take me. of the desert i would have to walk through. of the place i would have to go back to that has a less than ideal environment- but the perfect environment for challenge and growth- as fruit only grows in the valleys, and not the mountain tops.

i took my hands off of my dreams and what i thought my future would look like. and i embraced Jesus fully. i focused on Jesus, and my calling found me. and now its not my own. it is attached to Him. and wherever He is, i want to be. wherever He goes, i want to go. if He isn't going to be there, i'm not interested. and that lead me to pass up a full time ministry job offer to follow Jesus to California and a church where there is no position, there is no money, there is no known stability. but there are phenomenal leaders. there is a vision i want to support and help see come to life for my next season. it does not make sense, but it is the path He is taking me on.

Proverbs 19:21 "you can make many plans, but the Lord's purposes will prevail."

the song Oceans got real popular, real fast. but i wonder how many people realized exactly what they were singing? and exactly what, if they meant it, that it would cost them?

we are willing to say the words, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders", but are we willing to follow Him to that place when He begins to lead?

i believe so many of us aren't willing to take that step to get of our comfort zone and actually follow Him to that place.

a place where it is not easy.

it is a daily struggle.

it take bold, audacious, mountain moving trust and faith.

where there is sacrifice of relationships, time, energy, money, dreams, and so much more.

it is never what we think it is.

but God's plans are so much bigger.

laying down your calling to open your hands to His heart is so much more fulfilling that seeking self-serving dreams. even dreams that are good and will ultimately bring glory to God- when you're focused on "your calling"- you are missing the point.

it is all about Jesus.

it has always been about Jesus.

it will always be about Jesus.

there is nothing more. and there is nothing less.

and it will never be about you, or your gifts, or what you could accomplish.

and if you think it could be, you better come down from that pride stool right away.

because any influence or name you could build for yourself without the Spirit, and without selfless, complete, all-in, lay-it-down kind of love for Jesus...will be empty and meaningless.

so let me invite you to take the step that i took almost a year ago, that completely transformed and revolutionalized not only my whole life, but my relationship with the Lord.

take your eyes off of yourself.

stop focusing on your calling.

and focus on the One who called you.

the only real soul satisfaction is found in His eyes.

in His loving embrace.

in His gentle leading.

even when nothing makes sense.

awaken your heart to His dreams for you, and let go of your own.

your dreams may be good. but i promise His are better.

look at where Jesus called the disciples.

"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brotherd, Simon called Peter and his brother Abndrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." At once, they left their nets and followed him. " vs. 22- "immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him." (matthew 4:18-22)

all He asked for in that moment was for them to follow him.

simple and immediate obedience.

He didn't give them a grand synopsis of why, who He was, or what they would do together.

no explaination given.

no questions asked.

they didn't know of the miracles they would witness. and be a part of.

they couldn't forsee the danger that lay in front of them.

they didn't know the anguish and heartbreak they would experience when this stranger would lay down his life, being innocent, for them.

they didn't understand the lessons they would learn and the truth that would be revealed to them.

Peter didn't know that he would walk on water.

see a dead man raised.

see the blind eyes opened.

they didn't know that they would one day suffer greatly and lay their lives down to spread the story of this man.

and yet, they left everything to follow the One who called them.

they didn't live for a calling.

they lived for a man named Jesus.

they walked with Him. and their callings found them.

Jesus doesn't ask much from us.

simply to follow Him.

with immediate obedience.

not to follow a calling, but to follow this God-man named Jesus.

and embark on a grand adventure together.

as C.S. Lewis once said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."