your story isn't over yet.

today is National Survivors of Suicide Day.

i am one of them.

i was 18 years old.

depressed.

broken.

a cutter.

severely bulimic.

and wanting to die.

here's a small glimpse into my story.


8/8/2008: "i'm weak and broken right now, in every way. i feel like my life is so void of meaning right now, that it is pointless. nothing i am doing matters. i'm worthless. everything i do is futile and dead. God, you seem so distant and no matter what i do i just can't seem to find you. i'm just kind of here, wandering, unable to fight for anything. its all insignificant- i feel like my life was an accident and maybe You just wasted time with mecause i am nowhere near the person You created me to be. i  need You, but where are You?"

9/28/08: "God, when are you going to give up on me? i've let You down too many times. why do You still care? i want to reach You but i can't. its easier to accept the shame than to accept forgiveness that i don't deserve."

10/2/08: "i'm scared that i'll never be free, that one day this will kill me."

10/5/08: "i have given my will over to a razor blade, and forgotten the plans You have for me."

11/10/08: "find rest my soul, confess you're weary. surrender all, embrace your healing. find hope my soul, you know He's with you. my Saviour God, still i will praise You."

11/25/08: "i recognize that i have been accepting defeat as the norm, even before having a chance to fight."

11/28/08: "i will not give up because i know the cost of giving up is higher than the cost of endurance and battle. no weapon formed against me shall remain."

december 12, 2008

my final attempt to escape the shambles my life was in.

i sat in my bedroom with a razor blade in my hand.

i still have the scar on my wrist to this day.

i slit my wrist, hoping that it would have gone deeper than it actually did.

but my Father was protecting me and His plans for my life.

i told God that this was it. if He wanted me to live, He had to do something in that very moment or that night would be the end.

that i couldn't live like this any longer.

that i had tried to find freedom and escape from my chains, but the attempts were futile.

and i was done trying.

it would be better to end my life than to keep trying.

in those moments, something happened that i still don't have words to explain exactly what took place in that room.

a felt the hand of God forcing my hand down, and i dropped the razor blade.

the presence of God invaded my heart and the atmosphere in a way i had never experienced before.

and He began to speak.

hope.

healing.

freedom.

joy.

redemption.

beauty.

purpose.

LIFE.

the Holy Spirit breathed life back into my dead heart that night.

and chains i had been trying to break on my own for months and months at a time, crumbled on the ground in an instant.

i didn't cut one time after that night.

my eating disorder was healed completely.

depression and darkness left my soul.

He gave me unending, unexplainable joy and hope.

that night i desired death, but my perfect, loving, kind Father had different plans.

"as for you, you meant evil against me. but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today" {genesis 50:20}

i found hope.

and hope is available for you too.

beautiful heart, you have no idea how very loved you are.

your life is significant.

you are important.

you were created by a God of infinite and unending love and hope.

ending your life is never the answer.

it is a quick fix with eternal consequences.

you were made for more.

you were made for love.

to love yourself. to love others. to love God. and to let God ravish your heart with His love.

remember the plans that God has for you.

remember that He “knit you together in your mother's womb and has made you so wonderfully complex.” (Psalm 139).

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

 

let love consume you, and your beauty will shine forth from the inside out.

 

your heart is precious, lovely one. take care of your heart. respect your heart AND your body by not continuing to hurt yourself. trust me. there is so much more to life than this.

 

there is hope.

 

your life has value.

 

even if it seems like nobody is there. remember that God chose you. and He chooses you everyday.

your story does not end here.

its time to turn the page to a new chapter.

 

yesterday, you mattered. today, you matter. and tomorrow, you will still matter.