cuando levanto mis manos...

i'll pour my tears into the ocean

Five months ago I lost my best friend in a freak accident.

Shortly after, I was able to leave the state and start a new life. I never dealt with my pain, I simply buried it and tried to ignore what had happened. I now find myself back in Colorado and a wave of memories and grief has hit me. I miss him so much.

One song has been resonating in my heart these past couple days.

"I'll pour my tears in the ocean. And I'll leave my pain by the shore.
With a mighty wave you'll sweep them away, till they are no more"

No matter how much pain I endure, how many attacks are thrown my way, one thing remains: My God is faithful to heal my heart and He is constantly fighting for me.

I have carried a burden of guilt around on my shoulders that I am ready to leave in His mighty ocean of freedom and love. Luke was on the way to pick me up the night of the accident. I was convinced that had I not said anything, not made plans to spend time together, maybe, just maybe he would still be alive. Even if this is true, it is not my burden to carry and I know Luke would not want me to feel responsible for his death. It was an attack of the enemy.

Every single tear we cry is collected in the hands of God. He doesn't forget a single drop. A single heartbreak. Our pain is not unseen. We are not alone. He has never left us, even when He feels a million miles away.

I am beginning to realize the closeness of our God. He is everywhere, but He is interested in mending my broken heart. He holds my hand. He hold my heart. He wraps His arms around me. He inhabits my heart and makes my body a temple for Him to dwell in. He is right here next to me.

The God of everything holds my hand and never lets go.

Perhaps it is most powerfully seen in the picture of Jesus in this Christmas season. The God that created the expanse of the universe came as a helpless baby. God breathed our air. God had to learn how to talk. God had to learn how to walk. God had a runny nose. God felt the cold air upon His skin. God fell and scraped His knee. God slept. God got sunburns. God felt alone, was rejected and abandoned. God wrapped Himself in flesh and became one of us.

His name is Emmanuel. God with us.

God is not some far off being. He is relational. He is close. He wants to hear our hearts and know us in the most intimate places.

Psalm 34:18 says, "If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath." (MSG)

He cares. I cast all of my cares upon Him, because He cares for me. His heart breaks when our hearts break. But He doesn't stop there. He offers healing, hope, and restoration. He takes our broken hearts in His hand and gently puts together the broken pieces, making us whole.

You are never too broken or too far lost for Him to create something beautiful out of. See, brokenness, in the Kingdom of God, is a beautiful thing. It creates the opportunity for God to work His miracles.

Stained glass windows are some of the most magnificent works of art we can ever behold. Do you know how they are made? Pieces of broken glass are welded together to create a masterpiece. Let God take the broken pieces of your heart and life and create something majestic. He is the artist, the potter, and we are the clay in His hands. Clay is mold-able and easily breaks when its on the wheel, but once the potter is finished, it serves the purpose He has created it to fulfill. You might only see broken pieces, but He sees a beautiful masterpiece.

One time I was fasting makeup and Luke asked me how I was doing with it. I told him I was doing great until today, I'm going out with one of my girl friends and she is just extraordinarily beautiful, and I feel intimidated by her so I have to put on makeup. He said to me, "She is probably thinking the same exact thing as she is putting on her makeup right now."

Sometimes we need other people to tell us who we are when we can't see it in ourselves. Nobody has ever instilled a sense of confidence or self-worth in me more than Luke did. I saw broken, ugly, worthless, too far gone, and something to be tossed out. He saw love, beauty, purpose, and the potential for greatness.

We can't do life alone. If we try, we will fail miserably. We need each other. I can see things in you that you can't see, and you can see things in me that I can't see. We need to begin to recognize the worth, talents and gifts inside of the people around us and draw it out of them, otherwise it could remain dormant and buried for who knows how long.

Hang onto the people in your life. You never know when they will be gone. I loved Luke more than I could ever possibly put into words. He was the best friend I have ever had. I never knew how much he meant to me and how much I valued him until he was gone and I no longer had his presence in my life. Right now, I would give anything to be able to talk to him just one more time. I would tell him how much of an impact he had in my life, how he was one of the most extraordinary and loving people I have ever know, and how much I loved him.Value people. When it comes down to it, it is all about people. Make the most of every moment. Life is a vapor.

It took me losing my best friend to discover how close God is. His death was not a part of God's plan and not for one second can you even try to tell me that God "took him", cause he didn't. But God has used his death to show me the depth of His love, grace, compassion and hope that are found once we take the step into the vast ocean of His heart. God is not far, He is right here.

Found in the words of the songs of this season we find the eternal plan of God:

"Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death's dark shadows put to flight."

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till' He appeared and the soul felt its worth."

"Born that man no more may die. Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth."

"And with His blood, mankind He has bought."

Jesus has come. He remains. Never to leave us behind.

If we take the step into His ocean of healing, He will wash over us and erase the wounds of the past, making us new and completely whole.

Wounds heal. Scars fade. Jesus gives us new hearts and as long as He holds our hearts, there is a depth of life and hope that can be found in no other place.

Surrender. Let go. Find freedom in His arms.

you are more, you've been remade.

On my wall hangs a small, broken, ugly bike lamp.

To anybody else, this insignificant piece of plastic would be trash. To me, it is a daily reminder of where I was and where God has brought me.

One night this summer at the youth group I used to be a leader at back in Colorado, the pastor told us all to go outside and find something on the ground that we thought was junk.

So I picked up this orange light.

When we got inside, we all sat in a circle and were asked to explain what we felt like God was trying to say to us through the "junk" that we picked up.

I began to explain how it was broken, it looked like it was supposed to connect to something, and disconnected it could produce no light. I related it to my life and how I had been disconnected from God and I felt like my light was going out.

The light was filled with dirt and garbage, there was no light coming from its bulbs. I talked about how I felt like my life and heart were just filled with dirt, and progressively getting dirtier and dirtier. I felt as though I was full of filth and as my life filled with dirt, the light was fading the further and further I disconnected from God.

It was broken and served no real purpose. I felt the same about my life. I was broken, damaged, my life was a wreck, and I felt as if though I would never amount to anything. I was nothing special and could never serve the original purpose God had in mind when He created me.

I thought the small piece of plastic I held in my hands was junk. I thought I was junk. Merely something to be thrown out and not considered of any use. In this light, I only saw its current condition, its flaws, brokenness, and how it was no longer useful.

Much like that light, all I saw in myself was my weakness, brokenness, scars, my past, my failures, shortcomings, and as something that would never be able to fulfill what it was created to do.

What would the creator of that light see? I imagine he would see what that light once was, and what that light had the potential to be. Indeed he would still see the brokenness, but he would also see what that light was intended to be.

The Creator God has the same perspective about you and me. When He looks at us, maybe we are much like that light. Broken, ugly, dirty, full of garbage, and something to be thrown out. But He doesn't see all that. He has a much different perspective. He sees what He created in its original form. Perfect. Spotless. Blameless. Flawless. When He looks at us, He sees His Son, Jesus. When He looks at us, He does not see what we see, rather, He sees our potential. He knows what He created us to be and what we were made to do, and any cracks or dirt that might be holding us back are simply small marks that He can erase with Jesus' Blood.

God sees what we were made to be. Not what we have become. So, why can't we see ourselves in the same light?

In that moment, I felt like my Father was telling me I needed to come back and reconnect with the light source. I needed to run back into His arms and allow His to fan into flame the fire in my heart that was quickly burning out. I needed to allow Him to purify me and cleanse me from my dirt. I needed to see myself as He saw me.

I thought I was worthless junk. I am no longer that person. I had this perspective a short 4 months ago, and now, I recognize the value that God has placed inside of me.

I know who I am in Christ. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am restored. I am pure. I am a new creation. I am holy. I am beautiful. I am the righteousness of Christ Jesus. I am accepted. I am fearless. I am strong, and He is strong in my weakness. I am persistently and passionately pursued by the romancer of my heart. I am the Beloved. I am a light in the darkness. I am a child of the most high God. I am found. I am free. I am no longer defined by my past. I have potential. The plans and purposes of God for my life are great and marvelous. I can do ALL things through Him who gives my strength.

I no longer carry my past around as a burden, or something to be ashamed of. I carry my past around as a testimony of the power and redeeming power of our God. Four months ago, I thought I was junk. I am not that person anymore. All it took was surrender and a shift in perspective.

Let God change your perspective. Don't focus on what you can't do or what you have done. Focus on what He can do and what He has done. He died so that you could have freedom, hope, forgiveness, and experience the deepest love you could ever imagine, it goes beyond comprehension.

Connect to the Light Source. Let Him make you new. Let Him show you how much you are worth. Let Him shine His light through you. Allow Him to clean you out and make you new.

He sees the plans and purposes which He intended for you when He created you, not your flaws. Its time you do the same thing.

you are my strength, strength like no other.

God is with us wherever we go. There is literally no place you can go where He is not. I learned this on a whole new level this past weekend.

Last Friday my school, Highlands College, drove up to Ft. Payne, AL, for a weekend expedition in the mountains and wilderness. I went into this weekend full of fear, dreading what could take place, knowing that I would be pushed past what I ever thought I could do and having to face my fears.

The first thing we did was to locate a GPS system that was buried based off of a degree and coordinates that we were given. It took us three hours crawling around in this field to finally find it. Turns out the coordinates we had been given were incorrect. Although this was frustrating, it was amazing the peace and unity that there was in my team because we never got frustrated or upset with each other.

After about two hours of searching I began to get really irritated, and at that point I had to stop and check my attitude, and asked the Lord what He could teach me though this exercise.

Immediately I heard His voice speak to me, "If you would search this hard for my heart and be this intentional with seeking the things of my Kingdom, you have no idea where your life would be spiritually." Woa. Conviction. Little did I know the ways in which God would reveal Himself to me within the next 30 hours.

The next day one of our challenges was to go rock climbing. I was just a little bit terrified of heights. So I sat and watched my team go up, one by one, encouraging them and seeing them get to the top every time. It was my turn to go up and I started to get real shaky and panicky.

One of the guys on my team described it to me like this: I got four feet about the ground and said "I can't go any further." I would go up another five feet and say "I can't do it." Hang there for a few minutes and then do a crazy monkey move that nobody else could do to get further up. Each time I got up a little further I would say "I can't do this."

My whole team was on the ground watching me, encouraging me, lifting me up, and helping me to place my hands and feet on the right places cause they could see things that I could not see. The thing is, I was speaking death over myself the whole time. Each time one of them would say, "You can do this." I would yell back, "No I can't." Every time they would say "I believe in you." I would say, "Well I don't." I said words I should never say. I was crying the whole way up.

The enemy was shouting lies in my ears the whole time. "You can't do this. You've never been good enough, You aren't good enough, You will never be good enough. You aren't going to make it to the top, just go back down. Give up."

My team was yelling encouragement at the same time. "You can do this. Trust us. You can't fall. You're safe. Jesus is holding you us. You are more than a conqueror. You are able. You can do all things through Christ."

I was speaking out death, refuting the encouragement and listening to the lies of the enemy. It got to a point where I had to make a decision as to which voice I was going to listen to, and who I would believe.

I had a moment where I just got sick and tired of listening to and believing the lies of the enemy, as I have my entire life, and I got angry at him. I told him, "Devil, you have no control or authority in my life any longer. I take a stand against you in the Name of Jesus and the authority He has given me and I command you to leave in His Name. I can and I will make it up this rock."

After that, I was at the top of the rock within two minutes.

I had a moment on the rock where I realized that I have spent my life extending love, grace, encouragement, forgiveness, and hope to other people. I have believed in other people and helped them believe in themselves, but I have never done the same for myself. I have never believed that I was good enough, that I could do all things through Christ. I knew it in my mind, but never truly believed it.

This has to change. For me to continue to believe in other people, that ALL things are possible for other people and not myself would be saying that the work of Jesus on the cross is good enough for them, but not for me. I'm done with believing lies. I'm done with thinking I am less than what God created me to be. No more. I believe in others and I now truly grasp the fact that ALL things are possible with God, for ME.

The whole time I was going up the rock I was looking at my "iCAN" bracelet that Sam, my spiritual father gave me a few weeks ago. I saw it and it reminded me of everything he has said to me and the work God has done in my life. And I know it was true. Philippians 4:13. I knew it, but I didn't believe it. I believed it, but I didn't really, but now I do. I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Its just a piece of rubber, but it does something and it instilled in my the faith I needed to make it up the rock.

At one point, the girl belaying my ropes on the ground made me completely lose my grip of the wall. I refused at first. I was no way going to let go of the grip I had on that wall. It was an issue of trust. Each time to rope slid the tiniest bit, I would panic. But the Lord spoke to me in that moment and said "Do you trust me enough to let go of the grip you still have in your life? Do you trust me enough to surrender and let me hold you up instead of you trying to do it all in your own strength?" I let go of the wall, took my feet off of the wall, and just hung there. I had peace. I knew God was holding me. I knew I could trust Him with everything.

At another point I was told to grab onto a certain place on the rock, but I didn't trust the grip I had on it. One of my teammates said, "Even if you grab onto it, and its not a good grip and you slip, you're not going to fall." Then Pastor Keith chipped in and said that there was a spiritual principle in that. At that moment I didn't care about spiritual principles, I just wanted to make it up the stupid rock. But after the fact, I spent some time thinking about it and I realized that even if I try and fail, even if I don't have the best grip in my strength on something, I will not fall because I am standing on a solid rock that cannot be shaken.

I can't really explain what happened in my spirit while I was on that rock. I know that a lot of things I have overcome in life were mountains in comparison to that 50 foot rock. I have overcome an eating disorder, a self-harm addiction, depression, drug addiction, and suicidal attempts. What was that rock in comparison? A step to the next level of freedom that God has for me. I had to climb a rock to realize what God has put inside of me and what I am capable of doing with His strength. The fear of not being good enough lost its grip on me the second I made it to the top of that rock.

Later on that day we went on to another challenge, which was to repel from a 125 foot cliff. My heart started to panic and fear began to consume me all over again. Fear paralyzes us, and so many times we don't even realize. It got to be my turn and I was just hit with a wave of fear.

I went to the almost edge of the cliff and as Tyler was hooking me up to the ropes and explaining what I had to do, I was freaking out. I started crying and started speaking that death again. "I can't do this. I'm terrified. Are you sure this is safe? I don't think I can do this."

A few years ago, when I was walking through a lot of junk, God gave me Joshua 1:9 as a promise. It says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I have held onto this promise so tightly and it is God's personal promise for me that He has never broken.

Out of nowhere, Tyler says, "Just start saying Joshua 1:9 with me." And he starts saying it. I said, out loud, "Are you joking me? That is God's verse for my life." Ha! After that, after my million questions of "Are you sure this is safe? Are you sure I can do this?" I began to repeat that verse. "Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. For God is with me wherever I go. Wherever I go. Wherever I go. Wherever I go."

And I stepped off.

I opened my eyes and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. The only thing I could do was yell "JESUS I LOVE YOU!" I could literally feel Him holding me. I have never felt so close to Jesus in my entire life. Hanging off of that cliff, the presence of God around me was so thick and real. All of my fear was completely gone. I was hit with a wave of the love of God.

1 John 4:18 says, "Perfect love casts out all fear."

That is exactly what happened. As I became overwhelmed with the love of God, all of my fear was gone. I was completely confident in my Jesus in that moment. I cannot explain to you what happened in that moment other than to say it was just Jesus. I will cling onto that moment forever.

It was surrender. Recently, the Lord has been revealing areas of my heart and life that I have hidden, buried, and not allowed Him to have access to. As I stepped off that rock, it was a complete trust and complete surrender, saying "Okay God. You can have it all. You can have every area of my heart and every aspect of my life. I am no longer my own. I step off of the cliff of control and I am allowing You to have everything." There is freedom in surrender. The moment we finally decide to surrender everything is simply beautiful.

And to look over and see my Highlands family, pastors and leaders there encouraging and cheering me on meant the world to me. We need each other. We cannot walk though life alone and be successful. God created community for a reason. We need relationships.

After this adventure we all met up to go into this massive cave and have a small service. Pastor Layne talked to us about treasuring every experience and moment, building community, allowing the Lord to work, and just sharing his heart with up. Then we turned off all of the lights and darkness took over. It was pitch black, to the point of if you put your hand in front of your face you still couldn't see anything. No distinction between having your eyes closed or open.

We began to play worship and after no time, the voices drown out the guitar and we were in one accord, as one family singing worship to our Father. It was incredible the sense of unity and family that was in that cave. It didn't matter who was playing music, who was around us, what was going on, all of the focus, plain and simple, was on Jesus. Even though we couldn't see anything, God was so clearly there and every one of us could feel His presence.

"Take my moments and my days. Let each breath that I take be ever only for You, oh God."

"My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your will. And forever I will pray, 'Have Your way! Have Your way!'"

One voice. One family. We are family.

A wave of God's presence began to sweep through the cave. Some began to cry, some began to laugh, others could do nothing but say the Name of Jesus. We were standing in a room with the King of the universe standing right there in the midst of our worship. We got on our knees and prayed for each other, standing in faith for our brothers and sisters. As the lights came on everyone was embracing each other, crying, sharing words of life and love. It was by far one of the most powerful worship experiences I have ever had in my entire life.

All I could do was stand there and let the tears fall as I thought about where I was, where God has brought me from, where He has brought me to and where He is taking me. I have never known the level of freedom that I am walking in today. There is nothing better than knowing who you are in Christ and being able to walk in all He has created you for.

As myself and each one of my team members went up the rock, Pastor Keith would jokingly say, "Did you know your name means 'Rock Climber'?" I was thinking about it and even though he was joking, its completely true. If you are a child of the most high God, which you are, then He has created you with EVERYTHING you need for life and godliness. You name means whatever you need it to mean in that moment, because God calls you what you might not see in yourself.

My name, Kasey, means "Vigilant. Brave. Strong. Vigilant in War." My middle name, Rebecca, means "Captivating. Beautiful. Faithful wife. Bound or tied to." Therefore, I am a warrior princess. My name means brave, the enemy has tried to paralyze me with fear for my entire life, no more. My middle name means beautiful, the enemy has attacked me with insecurity and tried to make me feel worthless my entire life, no more. I am God's daughter, strong, brave, and beautiful. I am all that He created me to be, and I have all that I need for life and godliness.

Perfect love casts out all fear. All things are possible for him who believes.