covering up flaws and hiding behind masks

God is taking me on a new journey. A scary one. I have been arguing with Him for the past two hours, trying to find a way to talk my way out of it, but He is more stubborn than me and has made up His mind.

Let's chat.

The past week I have been struggling.

I have had a lot of insecure, "I feel gross", want to puke when I look in the mirror moments. Not good, I know. Its been awhile since I have struggled with this stuff, and it hasn't been fun.

I have never fully been able to accept myself for who God created me to be.

I hate my face without makeup.

In my opinion, it can be likened to that of a naked mole rat. Beautiful, right? Not so much.

My home sponsor, Jackie, probably told me 100 times, "Honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look. You have everything going for you."

I would say "Thank you." and nod in agreement, but I never believed her.

What comes to my mind when I look in the mirror, more often than not, the word that comes to my mind is rarely anything close to "beautiful."

God tells me in His Word that I am...beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, all lovely, made in His image...but the thing is...I have never been able to believe that.

I'm being open, honest, vulnerable, real and raw with you right now, dear reader, whoever you are, in hopes that my journey and struggles can help you overcome yours.

The truth is that I love makeup. Ever since I was allowed to start wearing it (at 16)...I have been addicted. There is something about putting on some music in the morning, or whatever part of the day, and applying my "face"..as I call it...and making myself at least feel beautiful, fresh, and free.

It makes me feel confident and covers up my flaws and insecurities. I never leave the house without it. Not even when I'm going running or to the gym. Sad, I know.

Here's the funny thing.

Today I texted a good friend of mine and told her that I have gotten to the point where I no longer share my struggles with others because I don't want to put burdens on them or be a life-sucking friend. I want to give life, so I don't share my battles. I wear masks. I pretend everything is okay, even when its not. I feel, especially in a position of leadership, that I'm somehow not allowed to have struggles or weaknesses, and if I do...well I better not show it or let anybody know cause that would ruin my image.

What kind of horrible lies are those? Straight from the pit of hell is what they are.

Tonight was one of those nights where I so longed to sit at the kitchen table and spend hours talking heart matters and struggles with Sam and Jackie over a cup of coffee...My goodness, how I miss those times so much. 

I don't want to get to the place of wearing masks and covering up all the time again. I just got to the point a few months ago where I felt comfortable sharing my heart, weaknesses and all, with others. No more masks, no more walls, just me, and that's enough.

I have also received conviction from the Holy Spirit that I need to deal with my insecurities and self-hate before I step into more positions of leadership as a 2nd year in Highlands College. One role in particular which is going to be the most important. I will get to act as a D-Group leader and have a group of about 6 first year girls under me, discipling and pouring myself into them...and I DO NOT want to project an image of insecurity and worthlessness to them and make them think that it is okay to think this way about themselves, because it is not okay. I already love these girls more than words can say, even though I haven't met them (except for one precious girl, Jordan)... and I want the best for them. You do what your see, right? I want them to see confidence and security in their leader. I have to deal with my problems with this before I get there.

Tonight, I stumbled upon a blog via a post I saw on Twitter. I perused her blog and found her posts on a makeup fast that she is embarking on and in the early stages of. (www.melissajenna.com) Well, posted a link to a Facebook group she had created for women who wanted to join, partially join, or follow her journey with a fresh face for 40 days. I went on and felt the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart, "I want you to do this."

"WHAT?! No God, NO. Absolutely not. You.Are.Crazy. I'm not doing it. I did it once for a week when You basically forced me to, and that was long enough. 40? No. Not happening. Sorry."

That sounds a lot like what I told Him 6 years ago about me doing 24/7...and look where that got me. I'm in my second year now. Ha! He is even more stubborn about things than I am.

I argued Him for an hour. Gave Him every rational reason I could come up with.

1. "Aly is in town...I want to take pictures with her! Not without makeup, nope!" "Darling, Aly doesn't wear makeup. You know the talks you two have had about this subject. She would side with me." Dang it. 2. "I have PCOS. My ovaries won't allow me...my face freaks out when my hormones go crazy. What am I gonna do when my face is covered with acne?" "Trust me." Ugh. Fine. 3. "But. But. But....I have no reason not to submit."

The more I argued and debated the idea with Him, the stronger I felt the need to do it.

I made my decision, even though it kills me to do so, that I am going to go the next 40 days without makeup. No makeup up until the day I leave to move back to Alabama for my second year of Highlands College. I took my makeup off tonight for the last time until I leave.

Lord help me. I am petrified. Sick to my stomach? Yes. Definitely.

This is more than just a makeup addiction. This is me revealing my heart for other to see. Raw and real. This is me taking off the mask I have worn for so many years to hide who I really am. No more hiding. I won't hide who God created me to be any longer. I'm done. This is more than outer beauty, this is inner beauty. As I embark on my quest to discover and believe in the beauty God has given me, I seek to allow God to shape my heart into something more beautiful and lovely.

This will quite possibly be one of the most difficult journeys I have ever been asked to walk, but I know my Father will be with me every step of the way, every weak moment, when I fail, when I question my strength...His arms are right there for me to fall into. 

These verses will be my anthem for the next 40 days.

Psalm 139:13-14  "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Song of Songs 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, there is NO flaw in you." 

Romans 9:20 "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'"

Song of Songs 2:2 “As the lily among the thorns, so is my love among the daughters.”

And this song has been, and will continue to be my anthem. "When I don't understand, I will choose You."

thirty days of writing. day one.

I've gotten really slack with my writing. This posting every month or two just isn't cutting it. So I'm challenging myself to 30 days of straight writing. This was inspired after reading my sweet friend Jordan's blog (justacupofjo.com). I'm not good at writing posts that aren't long and deep, so I'm going try try and write short, concise, and tell it like it is. What God is teaching me, what is happening in my days, what I'm learning, school, life, relationships, ups and downs, bad and good...its all fair game. No fluff. Day one:

My home sponsors came home today! They were in Florida for 5 days because my host dad, Sam, was speaking at a business meeting convention thing. They own a salon and invest in a company called Redkin..which by the way has awesome hair products. My hair has never been more shiny and healthy feeling. Ha! Anyway. It felt like they were gone for a long time. Its so nice to have my family back home, even though I only have three more weeks of living with them. Don't let me think about that though. I have random bursts of tears when I start thinking about leaving Alabama. The relationships I've built here are priceless and I am going to miss these people so much.

One thing we've been talking about a lot in our house recently is obedience. God, flat out, plain and simple...wants our obedience. When we obey and have a willing heart, that pleases Him. If we obey but do it with grumbling, complaining, a bad attitude and with resentment...well that's not really obedience, now is it? Its all about when we call around here the "Get To" mentality. We look at everything with an attitude that says, "I get to do this", and never say "I have to." When you have an attitude of getting to do things, it makes everything so much more enjoyable and it keeps it in perspective of...I'm doing this as unto the Lord, not unto men, so I get to do it with my whole heart and enjoy serving my King because it is an honor and a privilege to serve Him.

Cat got out of the bag today that I'm an Auburn fan. My home sponsors are Alabama fans. I learned for the next ten minutes of all the not so classy things Auburn fans have done around them after I explained that I observed that Auburn fans were more classy than Alabama fans...even though they're the exception to the rule. Perhaps I spoke too soon. Its okay, they still love me. Ha!

 I was telling Sam and Jackie about the issues I've had writing this research paper for New Testament. I'm writing about the value and liberation that Jesus brought to women. On Friday I accidentally stumbled upon the most horrific, evil pictures of women being abused out of Islam. I slammed my computer shut, sat there sobbing, and literally felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't touch my paper for the rest of the day. Now my paper is late, but I just couldn't bring myself to start writing after that. I didn't know how. Sam said that sometimes we see things that impact us, even disturb us...but if we didn't see it we'd remain in our comfortable bubbled life. Sometimes we're meant to see things that make us sick or uncomfortable, they impact us and keep the fire burning that drives us to live this life for Jesus. Its so true. We get so comfortable and so stagnant in life, while there is a world around us that is dying and desperate for the love of Jesus. Especially being in ministry school, sometimes its so easy to forget that the rest of the world doesn't have the life I have of being able to do life with people that love and believe in you, and being in the presence of God, EVERY SINGLE DAY. There are people that have never heard the Name of Jesus, have no clue who He is. And that wrecks me when I think about that. I can't imagine life without Jesus, yet there are so many who have never had the opportunity to feel His love and hope. I challenge you to get uncomfortable once in a while. Expand your worldview. Ask God to let you see things the way He sees them, to break your heart for what breaks His. Trust me. He will. And its completely worth it.

We talked today during family time about how hard Christianity is. It is the hardest thing. Its not easy. When you accept Jesus, life doesn't magically become all rainbows and puppy dogs and marshmallows. No. Its trials and hardships, its having a target on your head and a sign on your forehead that says "Attack Me." Jesus said, "Don't be surprised if the world hates you! It hated me first!" Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Every single second of it. The Bible says to consider it pure joy when you are persecuted for the cause of Christ. Its all joy. Forget happiness. Jesus brings joy that is everlasting and eternal, even in the hardest, most painful times of life.

If there are two values I've learned at Highlands that I'd like the rest of the world to understand, its this: Excellence in all we do. Honor.

 I graduate my first year of Highlands College in 11 days. How crazy is that? I'm not ready. At the same time, I'm beyond ready. I don't know what next year holds, but I say "Bring it on!"

That's all the thoughts I have for today. This next 30 days should be fun. I can't wait to see what crazy things my mind dreams up.

For His Reward.

you took me into the waters of your grace, cleaned me and kissed me on my face

My first year of Highlands College is quickly coming to an end. In 3 short weeks, I will be graduating, and in 4 weeks I will be back in Colorado. This is so weird.

I honestly cannot believe that this year is almost over.

It has been the hardest, most challenging, most exhilarating, incredible, God-consumed, beautiful year of my life.

I came here eight months ago with no idea what I was getting myself into.

I knew that my life would look different, but I didn't know it would take a complete, 180 degree turnaround.

I look back at the person I was before I came here, and that person is a stranger. I was so captive. Full of fear. Timidity held me back from doing anything I knew God had called me to do. I didn't know who I was. I had no sense of identity, or I knew in my mind what God said about me, but I sure didn't believe it. I had no purpose or meaning in living. I didn't know what God had purposed me to do. I was full of insecurity and self-doubt. I was bitter towards so many people and still had a lot of forgiveness in my heart. I doubted that I had what it takes to fulfill God's calling on my life. I was living day to day, full of apathy, comfortable, stuck in the rut of routine.

I resisted God for 6 years on moving here to be in Highlands College. I heard Him speak clearly to me my sophomore year of high school that I would be doing 24/7 one day, and I told him "You're crazy. No. No no no no, no no. Not happening. Come up with another plan." Well, 6 years later...here I am. And I have absolutely no doubt that this is exactly where God wants me. It is so clear and so evident, in every small little detail. Everyday is full of a new adventure. I find myself excited to wake up in the morning so I can go and do what God has planned out for me. Before I came here, I dreaded each day.

I got here at the end of August. It is now April.

From there to here, so many things have happened. So many adventures. So many challenges. So many difficult times. So many fun times. Lack of sleep. Incredible God encounters. Life-changing conversations with friends, pastors, leaders, mothers, fathers and students. Moments of facing my fears and coming out victorious. Moments of feeling alone. Countless times where I wanted to give up. Times where I was forced to do things I didn't want to do, and times where I did things I never thought I would be capable of doing. Times of great joy, and times of great sadness. Moments of leadership, moments of following. Learning how to be an effective leader. Learning how to submit to leadership and spiritual authority. Workouts that pushed me harder physically than I have ever been pushed. Not knowing where my next tank of gas would come from, but time after time, seeing God provide for every single one of my needs.

Learning how to be vulnerable, open and honest with people. Being forced outside of my comfort zone, all the time. Learning what it looks like to be a devoted follower of Jesus. Learning discipline. Learning how to serve with a servant's heart and attitude. Learning how to have a "get to" attitude, as opposed to a "have to" attitude. Learning how to see people for where they could be, not necessarily where they are. Never being alone. No dating. No alcohol. No sleep. Growing in the Lord and in spiritual maturity. Learning how to be served and let others serve me. Redefining my idea of what family looks like. Learning to love, and like the person I am, the way I am, the way God created me. Learning to leave the past in the past and look towards the future. Learning that it isn't about what I can or cannot do, but its about doing everything as unto the Lord and giving all of my heart at everything I do...and that's all that really matters.

Realizing that if I wanted "easy", I shouldn't have come to Highlands, which life is never easy and living for Jesus isn't easy, so why would I want any less? Learning what it means to rest in God. Learning what it means to walk in freedom. Learning that it is okay to believe for myself, not just other people. Going from confusion to clarity. Going from brokenness to being  made whole. Learning how to be bold and step out and do what God has told me to do, even if it means I have to put myself out in front of others and risk criticism. Learning that it doesn't matter what people say or think, cause my Daddy already approves of me. Realizing that I am not inferior to everyone else. Learning to use my voice and speak up, because I do have a lot to offer and God has given me revelation that other people need to hear.

My eyes have been opened to the fact that I put qualifiers, conditions and buts on everything. "But" needs to be erased from my vocabulary, and that is something I am working toward. I have always looked at the world through a pessimistic, negative lens, but I am learning how to see the light and good in everything. My most recent revelation and lesson: Life isn't made in the easy moments, its made in the difficult moments. The times when you feel like you can't take another step. when you have no strength left. when you're in so much pain you feel like collapsing. Its made in the moments where you want to give up, but keep going because life with Jesus is all about finishing strong. If we don't finish strong, we sell ourselves short. Jesus finished strong, He was loyal to us and remains loyal to us...no matter what we have done or will ever do. The same needs to be true of us, we must finish strong and emulate the example that our Lord set for us. Testing, hardships, trials, and moments of pressure reveal our character and who we really are. Life is made in the difficult times.

I learned that there is no such thing as a secret and the secrets in our lives need to be exposed to the light, or we are in danger. I confessed a secret that I have held onto and that has held me captive for the past 6 years to my best friend and one of my spiritual authority...and God set me free. There is forgiveness in confessing your sins to God, but there is freedom and healing in confessing your sins to one another, and I found the truth in that. It is in the Bible for a reason. I learned through fasting times and workouts the importance and reality of dying to your flesh and living by the Spirit. "I beat my body and make it my slave" takes on a whole new meaning after this year.

I got to spend a week in Atlanta ministering to the "least of these" in our own country. I got to talk to homeless men and women, give roses to prostitutes and tell them they're loved and beautiful, pray for healing with people on the streets, pick up tons of trash and clean up the city. I met a woman, who I won't name for privacy reasons...who was rescued off of the streets and is now in ministry school. As she told me her story, she told me how she came to Atlanta because she was a stripper and that's where the clubs were. It turned into drugs, stripping, and prostitution...for 25 years. She asked if I had heard about Princess Night, which is the Atlanta Dream Center's prostitute ministry..and then said, "I was the first princess." She told me how the God she had rejected came to her and she encountered His love and could no longer resist. She was rescued. She now believes she is worthy, beautiful, and a princess daughter of the Most High God...if she can believe that, what is stopping me from believing it? She inspired me. 

 I got to do life with extraordinary people. I have never been around pastors and leaders that love and believe in me so much and want to see me succeed and do what God has made me to do. I have learned so much from them. Pastor Chris. Pastor Mark. Pastor Keith. Brielle Hoffman. Momma Larson. Miss Gina. Pastor Allen. Heidi Spicer. Tracie Snipes. Bronson Moore. My second years: Caroline Johnson, my sweet D-group leader. I love this girl so much. She is one of the most real people I know and I respect her so much. Sarah Parvin, my track leader. She is an incredible leader and she is going to change the world. My peers: Liz, my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. Your love for God and passion for others drive me and make me want to be better. Chelsea. My little red-headed flamer. Your passion and heart inspire me. I love you girls. We'll forever be the three musketeers, no matter if one of us is in India, the other somewhere in Latin America, and the other...well we'll see where you go, you're gonna go far :) My heart will always be with you two girls.

I have gotten to live with some of the most incredible people I have ever known. I lived my first 7 months here with a precious woman named Benita, her daughters, Hedy and Meghan, and her best friend, Amelia. It learned so much being with these beautiful women of God. I saw incredible strength, grace, hope, endurance, forgiveness, and perseverance. They went through so much in my time with them, and ended up losing their house because of an ex husband who decided he didn't care enough to continue making house payments. Miss Benita stayed so strong and still brought forth so much joy. They were way too good to me and did so much for me. I love them dearly and consider them family.

God gave me the spiritual dad that I have always wanted and asked Him for my whole life. He brought me all the way to Birmingham, Alabama to give me the most amazing spiritual dad I could ever ask for. Honestly. He is extraordinary. Him and his wife have changed my life probably more than anyone I have been doing life here with the past 8 months. He has so much wisdom and God speaks through Him all the time. He reads my mail like nobody else can...its seriously like God speaks directly to me through him. Every time. Without fail. He says "You do this... " or, "You're this way..." and every time, "Yep. That's me."

I met Sam and Jackie in October at an outreach they put on with their salon at Children's Hospital. He told me that when we met that night he felt that I was so incredibly anointed, yet so confused and broken...that he felt my heart. I wasn't sure what to think of him then, but my goodness has God used him in incredible ways since then. I have had the incredible honor and privilege of living with Sam and Jackie for the last 7 weeks of my first year in HC. Miss Jackie has changed my life in so many ways as well. She is like another mom to me now. She has incredible wisdom and insight to share. She believes in me and encourages me all the time, they both do. She points me to Jesus and helps me to see what God sees in me and what others see in me, when I can't see it myself and am blinded by insecurities. I learn new lessons everyday living in their home. I treasure each conversation, prayer, and nugget of wisdom they have given me. I've come even more out of my shell since I moved in with them. I'm more confident, express myself more, don't talk in such a quiet voice, and just believe in myself more. Sam says its his job to teach his students how to fend for themselves...and you kind of have to living with them, cause they are absolutely crazy. Ha!

I have watched God do miracles. I have seen a little girl healed of cancer. I am watching God slowly restore mine and my brother's relationship. It has been baby steps, but God is moving, I can feel it and I can see it. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and done things that I wouldn't have ever even considered doing before I got here. I stepped off of a 125 foot cliff. I climbed a 50 foot rock. I preached at a local high school to roughly 150 students. I ran a 13.1 mile half-marathon. I got to lead a small group of ladies. I get to be in a video for iCan bracelets and share my story of overcoming fear. I wrote down a message God gave me that I'm going to be speaking in a chapel service next semester...when there's gonna be a whole stinking lot more new people coming in. And I couldn't be more excited. I get to write devotionals for Switch, one of the most successful youth ministries in the nation. I have had the most incredible adventures since I've been here. My world has been rocked.

I could write a book with all of the things I have learned and experienced, just this year alone. A lot of my stories will end up in my books one day, I'm sure!

I graduate my first year in two weeks and I am so excited for what the future holds. I'm so happy that God has been getting this inferiority, unworthiness crap out of my before I start my second year and am placed in more positions of influence and leadership. I honestly don't know how God is going to top this year, but I know He's going to do incredible things and its only going to get more incredible.
 More change. More stretching. More breaking. More growing. More tears. More lessons. More challenges. More hardships. More trusting. More molding and shaping. More forging and purifying.

My roommate, Brooke, told me awhile back that I haven't changed...I've simply discovered and become who I really was and what God created me to be. I've been this person all along, this person was just buried under a lifetime of fear, rejection, hurt, and insecurities. I've discovered who I am and each day I am becoming more and more of the woman that God created me to be. Every flaw included. Jackie tells me all the time..."You have no reason to be insecure about anything. You have everything going for you. I think you're just awesome." It means so much to me when she says that.

The adventure is only beginning.

A new chapter is about to be written.

Time to surrender the pen and let God write the rest of my story. 

i'll pour my tears into the ocean

Five months ago I lost my best friend in a freak accident.

Shortly after, I was able to leave the state and start a new life. I never dealt with my pain, I simply buried it and tried to ignore what had happened. I now find myself back in Colorado and a wave of memories and grief has hit me. I miss him so much.

One song has been resonating in my heart these past couple days.

"I'll pour my tears in the ocean. And I'll leave my pain by the shore.
With a mighty wave you'll sweep them away, till they are no more"

No matter how much pain I endure, how many attacks are thrown my way, one thing remains: My God is faithful to heal my heart and He is constantly fighting for me.

I have carried a burden of guilt around on my shoulders that I am ready to leave in His mighty ocean of freedom and love. Luke was on the way to pick me up the night of the accident. I was convinced that had I not said anything, not made plans to spend time together, maybe, just maybe he would still be alive. Even if this is true, it is not my burden to carry and I know Luke would not want me to feel responsible for his death. It was an attack of the enemy.

Every single tear we cry is collected in the hands of God. He doesn't forget a single drop. A single heartbreak. Our pain is not unseen. We are not alone. He has never left us, even when He feels a million miles away.

I am beginning to realize the closeness of our God. He is everywhere, but He is interested in mending my broken heart. He holds my hand. He hold my heart. He wraps His arms around me. He inhabits my heart and makes my body a temple for Him to dwell in. He is right here next to me.

The God of everything holds my hand and never lets go.

Perhaps it is most powerfully seen in the picture of Jesus in this Christmas season. The God that created the expanse of the universe came as a helpless baby. God breathed our air. God had to learn how to talk. God had to learn how to walk. God had a runny nose. God felt the cold air upon His skin. God fell and scraped His knee. God slept. God got sunburns. God felt alone, was rejected and abandoned. God wrapped Himself in flesh and became one of us.

His name is Emmanuel. God with us.

God is not some far off being. He is relational. He is close. He wants to hear our hearts and know us in the most intimate places.

Psalm 34:18 says, "If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath." (MSG)

He cares. I cast all of my cares upon Him, because He cares for me. His heart breaks when our hearts break. But He doesn't stop there. He offers healing, hope, and restoration. He takes our broken hearts in His hand and gently puts together the broken pieces, making us whole.

You are never too broken or too far lost for Him to create something beautiful out of. See, brokenness, in the Kingdom of God, is a beautiful thing. It creates the opportunity for God to work His miracles.

Stained glass windows are some of the most magnificent works of art we can ever behold. Do you know how they are made? Pieces of broken glass are welded together to create a masterpiece. Let God take the broken pieces of your heart and life and create something majestic. He is the artist, the potter, and we are the clay in His hands. Clay is mold-able and easily breaks when its on the wheel, but once the potter is finished, it serves the purpose He has created it to fulfill. You might only see broken pieces, but He sees a beautiful masterpiece.

One time I was fasting makeup and Luke asked me how I was doing with it. I told him I was doing great until today, I'm going out with one of my girl friends and she is just extraordinarily beautiful, and I feel intimidated by her so I have to put on makeup. He said to me, "She is probably thinking the same exact thing as she is putting on her makeup right now."

Sometimes we need other people to tell us who we are when we can't see it in ourselves. Nobody has ever instilled a sense of confidence or self-worth in me more than Luke did. I saw broken, ugly, worthless, too far gone, and something to be tossed out. He saw love, beauty, purpose, and the potential for greatness.

We can't do life alone. If we try, we will fail miserably. We need each other. I can see things in you that you can't see, and you can see things in me that I can't see. We need to begin to recognize the worth, talents and gifts inside of the people around us and draw it out of them, otherwise it could remain dormant and buried for who knows how long.

Hang onto the people in your life. You never know when they will be gone. I loved Luke more than I could ever possibly put into words. He was the best friend I have ever had. I never knew how much he meant to me and how much I valued him until he was gone and I no longer had his presence in my life. Right now, I would give anything to be able to talk to him just one more time. I would tell him how much of an impact he had in my life, how he was one of the most extraordinary and loving people I have ever know, and how much I loved him.Value people. When it comes down to it, it is all about people. Make the most of every moment. Life is a vapor.

It took me losing my best friend to discover how close God is. His death was not a part of God's plan and not for one second can you even try to tell me that God "took him", cause he didn't. But God has used his death to show me the depth of His love, grace, compassion and hope that are found once we take the step into the vast ocean of His heart. God is not far, He is right here.

Found in the words of the songs of this season we find the eternal plan of God:

"Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death's dark shadows put to flight."

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till' He appeared and the soul felt its worth."

"Born that man no more may die. Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth."

"And with His blood, mankind He has bought."

Jesus has come. He remains. Never to leave us behind.

If we take the step into His ocean of healing, He will wash over us and erase the wounds of the past, making us new and completely whole.

Wounds heal. Scars fade. Jesus gives us new hearts and as long as He holds our hearts, there is a depth of life and hope that can be found in no other place.

Surrender. Let go. Find freedom in His arms.

you are more, you've been remade.

On my wall hangs a small, broken, ugly bike lamp.

To anybody else, this insignificant piece of plastic would be trash. To me, it is a daily reminder of where I was and where God has brought me.

One night this summer at the youth group I used to be a leader at back in Colorado, the pastor told us all to go outside and find something on the ground that we thought was junk.

So I picked up this orange light.

When we got inside, we all sat in a circle and were asked to explain what we felt like God was trying to say to us through the "junk" that we picked up.

I began to explain how it was broken, it looked like it was supposed to connect to something, and disconnected it could produce no light. I related it to my life and how I had been disconnected from God and I felt like my light was going out.

The light was filled with dirt and garbage, there was no light coming from its bulbs. I talked about how I felt like my life and heart were just filled with dirt, and progressively getting dirtier and dirtier. I felt as though I was full of filth and as my life filled with dirt, the light was fading the further and further I disconnected from God.

It was broken and served no real purpose. I felt the same about my life. I was broken, damaged, my life was a wreck, and I felt as if though I would never amount to anything. I was nothing special and could never serve the original purpose God had in mind when He created me.

I thought the small piece of plastic I held in my hands was junk. I thought I was junk. Merely something to be thrown out and not considered of any use. In this light, I only saw its current condition, its flaws, brokenness, and how it was no longer useful.

Much like that light, all I saw in myself was my weakness, brokenness, scars, my past, my failures, shortcomings, and as something that would never be able to fulfill what it was created to do.

What would the creator of that light see? I imagine he would see what that light once was, and what that light had the potential to be. Indeed he would still see the brokenness, but he would also see what that light was intended to be.

The Creator God has the same perspective about you and me. When He looks at us, maybe we are much like that light. Broken, ugly, dirty, full of garbage, and something to be thrown out. But He doesn't see all that. He has a much different perspective. He sees what He created in its original form. Perfect. Spotless. Blameless. Flawless. When He looks at us, He sees His Son, Jesus. When He looks at us, He does not see what we see, rather, He sees our potential. He knows what He created us to be and what we were made to do, and any cracks or dirt that might be holding us back are simply small marks that He can erase with Jesus' Blood.

God sees what we were made to be. Not what we have become. So, why can't we see ourselves in the same light?

In that moment, I felt like my Father was telling me I needed to come back and reconnect with the light source. I needed to run back into His arms and allow His to fan into flame the fire in my heart that was quickly burning out. I needed to allow Him to purify me and cleanse me from my dirt. I needed to see myself as He saw me.

I thought I was worthless junk. I am no longer that person. I had this perspective a short 4 months ago, and now, I recognize the value that God has placed inside of me.

I know who I am in Christ. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am restored. I am pure. I am a new creation. I am holy. I am beautiful. I am the righteousness of Christ Jesus. I am accepted. I am fearless. I am strong, and He is strong in my weakness. I am persistently and passionately pursued by the romancer of my heart. I am the Beloved. I am a light in the darkness. I am a child of the most high God. I am found. I am free. I am no longer defined by my past. I have potential. The plans and purposes of God for my life are great and marvelous. I can do ALL things through Him who gives my strength.

I no longer carry my past around as a burden, or something to be ashamed of. I carry my past around as a testimony of the power and redeeming power of our God. Four months ago, I thought I was junk. I am not that person anymore. All it took was surrender and a shift in perspective.

Let God change your perspective. Don't focus on what you can't do or what you have done. Focus on what He can do and what He has done. He died so that you could have freedom, hope, forgiveness, and experience the deepest love you could ever imagine, it goes beyond comprehension.

Connect to the Light Source. Let Him make you new. Let Him show you how much you are worth. Let Him shine His light through you. Allow Him to clean you out and make you new.

He sees the plans and purposes which He intended for you when He created you, not your flaws. Its time you do the same thing.

you are my strength, strength like no other.

God is with us wherever we go. There is literally no place you can go where He is not. I learned this on a whole new level this past weekend.

Last Friday my school, Highlands College, drove up to Ft. Payne, AL, for a weekend expedition in the mountains and wilderness. I went into this weekend full of fear, dreading what could take place, knowing that I would be pushed past what I ever thought I could do and having to face my fears.

The first thing we did was to locate a GPS system that was buried based off of a degree and coordinates that we were given. It took us three hours crawling around in this field to finally find it. Turns out the coordinates we had been given were incorrect. Although this was frustrating, it was amazing the peace and unity that there was in my team because we never got frustrated or upset with each other.

After about two hours of searching I began to get really irritated, and at that point I had to stop and check my attitude, and asked the Lord what He could teach me though this exercise.

Immediately I heard His voice speak to me, "If you would search this hard for my heart and be this intentional with seeking the things of my Kingdom, you have no idea where your life would be spiritually." Woa. Conviction. Little did I know the ways in which God would reveal Himself to me within the next 30 hours.

The next day one of our challenges was to go rock climbing. I was just a little bit terrified of heights. So I sat and watched my team go up, one by one, encouraging them and seeing them get to the top every time. It was my turn to go up and I started to get real shaky and panicky.

One of the guys on my team described it to me like this: I got four feet about the ground and said "I can't go any further." I would go up another five feet and say "I can't do it." Hang there for a few minutes and then do a crazy monkey move that nobody else could do to get further up. Each time I got up a little further I would say "I can't do this."

My whole team was on the ground watching me, encouraging me, lifting me up, and helping me to place my hands and feet on the right places cause they could see things that I could not see. The thing is, I was speaking death over myself the whole time. Each time one of them would say, "You can do this." I would yell back, "No I can't." Every time they would say "I believe in you." I would say, "Well I don't." I said words I should never say. I was crying the whole way up.

The enemy was shouting lies in my ears the whole time. "You can't do this. You've never been good enough, You aren't good enough, You will never be good enough. You aren't going to make it to the top, just go back down. Give up."

My team was yelling encouragement at the same time. "You can do this. Trust us. You can't fall. You're safe. Jesus is holding you us. You are more than a conqueror. You are able. You can do all things through Christ."

I was speaking out death, refuting the encouragement and listening to the lies of the enemy. It got to a point where I had to make a decision as to which voice I was going to listen to, and who I would believe.

I had a moment where I just got sick and tired of listening to and believing the lies of the enemy, as I have my entire life, and I got angry at him. I told him, "Devil, you have no control or authority in my life any longer. I take a stand against you in the Name of Jesus and the authority He has given me and I command you to leave in His Name. I can and I will make it up this rock."

After that, I was at the top of the rock within two minutes.

I had a moment on the rock where I realized that I have spent my life extending love, grace, encouragement, forgiveness, and hope to other people. I have believed in other people and helped them believe in themselves, but I have never done the same for myself. I have never believed that I was good enough, that I could do all things through Christ. I knew it in my mind, but never truly believed it.

This has to change. For me to continue to believe in other people, that ALL things are possible for other people and not myself would be saying that the work of Jesus on the cross is good enough for them, but not for me. I'm done with believing lies. I'm done with thinking I am less than what God created me to be. No more. I believe in others and I now truly grasp the fact that ALL things are possible with God, for ME.

The whole time I was going up the rock I was looking at my "iCAN" bracelet that Sam, my spiritual father gave me a few weeks ago. I saw it and it reminded me of everything he has said to me and the work God has done in my life. And I know it was true. Philippians 4:13. I knew it, but I didn't believe it. I believed it, but I didn't really, but now I do. I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Its just a piece of rubber, but it does something and it instilled in my the faith I needed to make it up the rock.

At one point, the girl belaying my ropes on the ground made me completely lose my grip of the wall. I refused at first. I was no way going to let go of the grip I had on that wall. It was an issue of trust. Each time to rope slid the tiniest bit, I would panic. But the Lord spoke to me in that moment and said "Do you trust me enough to let go of the grip you still have in your life? Do you trust me enough to surrender and let me hold you up instead of you trying to do it all in your own strength?" I let go of the wall, took my feet off of the wall, and just hung there. I had peace. I knew God was holding me. I knew I could trust Him with everything.

At another point I was told to grab onto a certain place on the rock, but I didn't trust the grip I had on it. One of my teammates said, "Even if you grab onto it, and its not a good grip and you slip, you're not going to fall." Then Pastor Keith chipped in and said that there was a spiritual principle in that. At that moment I didn't care about spiritual principles, I just wanted to make it up the stupid rock. But after the fact, I spent some time thinking about it and I realized that even if I try and fail, even if I don't have the best grip in my strength on something, I will not fall because I am standing on a solid rock that cannot be shaken.

I can't really explain what happened in my spirit while I was on that rock. I know that a lot of things I have overcome in life were mountains in comparison to that 50 foot rock. I have overcome an eating disorder, a self-harm addiction, depression, drug addiction, and suicidal attempts. What was that rock in comparison? A step to the next level of freedom that God has for me. I had to climb a rock to realize what God has put inside of me and what I am capable of doing with His strength. The fear of not being good enough lost its grip on me the second I made it to the top of that rock.

Later on that day we went on to another challenge, which was to repel from a 125 foot cliff. My heart started to panic and fear began to consume me all over again. Fear paralyzes us, and so many times we don't even realize. It got to be my turn and I was just hit with a wave of fear.

I went to the almost edge of the cliff and as Tyler was hooking me up to the ropes and explaining what I had to do, I was freaking out. I started crying and started speaking that death again. "I can't do this. I'm terrified. Are you sure this is safe? I don't think I can do this."

A few years ago, when I was walking through a lot of junk, God gave me Joshua 1:9 as a promise. It says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I have held onto this promise so tightly and it is God's personal promise for me that He has never broken.

Out of nowhere, Tyler says, "Just start saying Joshua 1:9 with me." And he starts saying it. I said, out loud, "Are you joking me? That is God's verse for my life." Ha! After that, after my million questions of "Are you sure this is safe? Are you sure I can do this?" I began to repeat that verse. "Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. For God is with me wherever I go. Wherever I go. Wherever I go. Wherever I go."

And I stepped off.

I opened my eyes and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. The only thing I could do was yell "JESUS I LOVE YOU!" I could literally feel Him holding me. I have never felt so close to Jesus in my entire life. Hanging off of that cliff, the presence of God around me was so thick and real. All of my fear was completely gone. I was hit with a wave of the love of God.

1 John 4:18 says, "Perfect love casts out all fear."

That is exactly what happened. As I became overwhelmed with the love of God, all of my fear was gone. I was completely confident in my Jesus in that moment. I cannot explain to you what happened in that moment other than to say it was just Jesus. I will cling onto that moment forever.

It was surrender. Recently, the Lord has been revealing areas of my heart and life that I have hidden, buried, and not allowed Him to have access to. As I stepped off that rock, it was a complete trust and complete surrender, saying "Okay God. You can have it all. You can have every area of my heart and every aspect of my life. I am no longer my own. I step off of the cliff of control and I am allowing You to have everything." There is freedom in surrender. The moment we finally decide to surrender everything is simply beautiful.

And to look over and see my Highlands family, pastors and leaders there encouraging and cheering me on meant the world to me. We need each other. We cannot walk though life alone and be successful. God created community for a reason. We need relationships.

After this adventure we all met up to go into this massive cave and have a small service. Pastor Layne talked to us about treasuring every experience and moment, building community, allowing the Lord to work, and just sharing his heart with up. Then we turned off all of the lights and darkness took over. It was pitch black, to the point of if you put your hand in front of your face you still couldn't see anything. No distinction between having your eyes closed or open.

We began to play worship and after no time, the voices drown out the guitar and we were in one accord, as one family singing worship to our Father. It was incredible the sense of unity and family that was in that cave. It didn't matter who was playing music, who was around us, what was going on, all of the focus, plain and simple, was on Jesus. Even though we couldn't see anything, God was so clearly there and every one of us could feel His presence.

"Take my moments and my days. Let each breath that I take be ever only for You, oh God."

"My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your will. And forever I will pray, 'Have Your way! Have Your way!'"

One voice. One family. We are family.

A wave of God's presence began to sweep through the cave. Some began to cry, some began to laugh, others could do nothing but say the Name of Jesus. We were standing in a room with the King of the universe standing right there in the midst of our worship. We got on our knees and prayed for each other, standing in faith for our brothers and sisters. As the lights came on everyone was embracing each other, crying, sharing words of life and love. It was by far one of the most powerful worship experiences I have ever had in my entire life.

All I could do was stand there and let the tears fall as I thought about where I was, where God has brought me from, where He has brought me to and where He is taking me. I have never known the level of freedom that I am walking in today. There is nothing better than knowing who you are in Christ and being able to walk in all He has created you for.

As myself and each one of my team members went up the rock, Pastor Keith would jokingly say, "Did you know your name means 'Rock Climber'?" I was thinking about it and even though he was joking, its completely true. If you are a child of the most high God, which you are, then He has created you with EVERYTHING you need for life and godliness. You name means whatever you need it to mean in that moment, because God calls you what you might not see in yourself.

My name, Kasey, means "Vigilant. Brave. Strong. Vigilant in War." My middle name, Rebecca, means "Captivating. Beautiful. Faithful wife. Bound or tied to." Therefore, I am a warrior princess. My name means brave, the enemy has tried to paralyze me with fear for my entire life, no more. My middle name means beautiful, the enemy has attacked me with insecurity and tried to make me feel worthless my entire life, no more. I am God's daughter, strong, brave, and beautiful. I am all that He created me to be, and I have all that I need for life and godliness.

Perfect love casts out all fear. All things are possible for him who believes.

because you are with me, I will not fear.

Today started out like any other day. I went to my school group early this morning. Drove home. Got home, hopped on Facebook and saw a post by one of the guys in my school.

"Hey guys, be careful driving to school today. There's a bunch of tornado warning."

I, being the overly cautious Colorado girl who has never seen or experienced something like this, went into research mode. I was checking every television station, weather website, and twitter message about what was going on.

I was in my bedroom on the top level of the house getting ready for school and keeping an eye on the weather. The rain got to be real bad. Then I heard the most horrifying sound I have ever heard in my entire life. The neighborhood siren. I grabbed my laptop and chucked it downstairs two levels into the basement.

I ran into the bathroom. Sat in the bathtub and called my mom, absolutely sobbing. I was home alone. Colorado girl. No idea what to do or how to respond. I started praying and speaking to the storm and telling it that it would not touch anywhere near my neighborhood.

I was talking to like five different people, trying to calm myself down and stay updated on the storms. One of my best friends prayed with me. My other best friend sympathized with me cause she was hiding in her closet feeling the same crap I was feeling. My leader at school was asking if I was okay and telling me everything was okay. My home sponsor was updating me on the storms. My brother was telling me there's nothing to fear.

I knew if I didn't do something, my fears would just escalate and grow bigger. So I sang the first song that came to my head.

"Because You're with me. Because You're with me, I will not fear. My hiding place. My safe refuge. My treasure, Lord, You are. My friend and King, anointed One, most Holy."

Over and over again. I turned the song on my laptop and it was on repeat for the entire hour and a half I was hiding in the basement. "Because You're with me. I WILL NOT FEAR."

Every fear I have ever had paled in comparison to the fear I was feeling in those moments. I have NEVER in my entire life experienced that level of fear. I can legitimately say that I have never been so afraid in my entire life.

I held onto my God. His promise. He promised me "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and very courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9) Why was I so afraid? I'm not afraid to die. I get to be in Jesus' arms. I can't describe to you the fear I felt, but I also can't describe to you the peace and confidence I had in my God as I began to speak out His Words.

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation— so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?"

Psalm 27:3 "Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident."

Psalm 91:1-2 "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart"

Psalm 91:9-12 "If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone"

My flesh and mind were screaming fear into my heart. My Spirit remained confident in the promises of my God.

My Daddy promised to protect me. My Daddy said He would keep me safe in His arms.

Because You are with me, I will not fear.

I learned a totally new meaning of clinging to God for peace and comfort in the middle of the storm. He was the only thing that kept fear from absolutely paralyzing me.

I conquered my fear the other day. But this was different. This was physically and mentally paralyzing. Even right now as I recount what happened, I find myself being thrown back into that fear and unrest.

I learned that fear isn't okay kept to itself, because it will only breed more fear until you have a whole litter of little fear puppies barking in your head and keeping all the other voices at a distance.

I shared my fear with my two best friends, and my mom and was able to receive encouragement and peace from them. If I hadn't told anybody, I would have drowned in my fear. It would have been ugly. But I neutered my fear and cut it off and told it that it had no place.

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

There is no fear in a fearless God.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper.

I am strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.

Fear is false. And when it is faced with Truth, it must flee. Fear has no place and no hold unless you give it a foothold to take ground in your life. Don't let fear breed in your life. Cut it off. Neuter it so it can't make little fear puppies that will bark in your ear and silence out all other voices that need to have more weight and importance. Fear wants to paralyze you. Don't let it.

Because You are with me, I will not fear.

37 Lines.

Today at Highlands, Pastor Christ talked on Points of Passion. This is our church's annual way of sharing what our church does locally, nationally and internationally. Let me just say, I feel so honored to be in a church that does so much to reach the lost, the broken and the poor.

4.2 Billion people. Can you even begin to fathom how many that is? Can you wrap your mind around the mass of that number? If you take each person, place them toe to heel with each other in a line, that line, around the widest part of the earth at the equator, would wrap around the globe 37 times. 37. There are 4.2 billion lost people in our world today. 4.2. billion people that desperately need to hear the Gospel message. 4.2 billion people, that if the world ended right now, would spend their eternities in hell, completely separated from God. Can you feel the urgency? Do you feel the despair behind the number of lost souls?

Do you want to hear the cries of the lost? Do something. Close your eyes. Go back to the darkest, worst point in your life, in the deepest pit you have ever found yourself in. Perhaps it was when your parents got divorced. When that man violated you in unspeakable ways. When you were sitting on the floor with a razor blade in hand, slashing your arms. When you were kneeling in front of a toilet with a toothbrush shoved down your throat, emptying your body for the 1000th time, out of your obsessive fear of gaining weight. When you were abandoned, rejection and left alone. When your received beatings as a child. When you wanted to end it all.

Now imagine, in that moment, not knowing that there is a Savior. Not knowing that there was an escape apart from death. Not knowing there was freedom. Not knowing there was somebody who loved you and wanted to see you restored. Not knowing there was a God who sacrificed His Son so that you could be free. If you did not know the hope of Jesus.

Can you hear it? Can you hear the cries of the lost? The broken? The captive? I can. They're calling out.

"Help me!" "Save me!" "Does anybody hear me?" "Does anybody care?" "Where are you, God?" "Will this ever end?" "All I want is to die!" "Will you help me?" "Will you tell me there is hope?"

Let it wreck you. Let it capture your heart.

4.6 BILLION PEOPLE. Not just a number. PEOPLE. Individuals. They all have a name, they all have a face, they all have a story.

Will you let their story interrupt yours? This life is not about us. Its not about our comfortable, cushy, American dream lives. No, its about much much more. Its about what God's heart beats for. If 4.6 Billion doesn't make you cringe, make your heart hurt, there needs to be a serious change.

Let me give you some heart-wrenching facts:

~There are an estimated 163,000,000 orphans in our world today.
~1.2 million children are trafficked every year; this is in addition to the millions already held captive by trafficking.
~Every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation.
~The average victim of human trafficking is forced to have sex/is raped up to 40 times a day.
~Approximately 800,000 babies are aborted each year.
~ There are 27 million slaves in the world today.
~ Each year, 2 million women disappear from the planet, most of which become victims of human trafficking, and are never heard from again.

I believe that God weeps when He hears these numbers. God weeps when He sees His children suffering, living in captivity to things that His Son died to set them free from. He weeps when He sees injustice.

Will you pray a very dangerous prayer with me?

Break my heart for what breaks Yours. God, transplant Your heart into mine. Let me feel what You feel over the lost and injustice.

He will do it if you ask Him and mean it. Your heart will begin to weep when you see stories of girls being forced into human trafficking, orphans that are starving and dying from malnutrition, children that are being violated and beat by their relatives, babies being murdered and their destinies robbed from them, sick children and their mothers that have to walk through the suffering of their babies, the lost who think there is nothing more to life than drugs, sex and alcohol. Your heart will weep, and it will flow out in an abundance of tears from your eyes.

Ask Him to do it. I dare you.

Today in church I heard the voice of the Lord, commissioning me to something far greater than I can even begin to understand. Let me share with you what I feel He was saying.

"I'm calling you. Bringing you into a new season. Can you even begin to grasp the depth and the width of the number of lost and dying people there are? Think about it. You're called to rescue them. You're called to bring hope to them. You don't know what is inside of you. You don't know how fierce you are. There is something powerful, I placed a relentless spirit inside of you. You don't know the level of impact your life could have if you would only push every single one of your fears aside and begin to rely fully on me for your strength and ability. Remember? With me, ALL things are possible. I created you to reach the 4.6 Billion. I did not call just anybody. I'm not talking to the girl sitting next to you, I'm speaking to you. You are called, you are chosen, you were made to reach the multitudes. Your life mission is to bring as many people to heaven with you as you possibly can. I will release words and strategies from heaven that you will write and speak. "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to proclaim the captives be released, that the blind will see, the oppressed will go free, and the time of the Lord's favor has come." (Isaiah 61) You are anointed. You are called. You were born for such a time as this. No more fear, no more timidity. You are as bold as a lion. Its time to go into the darkness and recover what's been lost."

I want to challenge you with the same thing the Lord challenged me with today. Do you know how scary you are? There is something fierce inside of you. The righteous are as bold as lions. You are a threat to the kingdom of darkness. You are scary to the enemy and the darkness that wages for the souls of man. We are smack dab in the middle of a cosmic battle for eternity.

Are you ready to fight?

Please listen to this song, right now: http://youtu.be/tdiFvye6EQs
And watch this sermon, right now: http://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/37-lines-around#

Commission my soul with a fire uncontrollable for this great cause, to save the lost. Open my eyes to the reason I'm alive, oh Lord, I'm ready now, I'll follow You.

God is calling. Who will answer the call?

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

"There is power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain."

My world got wrecked today.

Let's backtrack a little bit and I'll give some background information that could be important to explaining what took place today.

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting on the floor of a hotel bathroom in Dallas, sobbing my eyes out. I had a revelation that I had conformed myself so many times to what other people wanted me to be, that I no longer knew who I really was. For each person in my life, I was was a different person, I was who they wanted my to be, not who God made me to be.

Ever since then it has been a journey and a daily process finding out who I am in Christ.

Very shortly after starting Highlands College in August, I realized that I have lived most of my life based off of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not having anything to offer. Fear of completely missing the mark in God's plan for my life. Fear of being weak and vulnerable in front of others. One of the biggest things that has been revealed to me is the fact that in group settings, anything other than one on one meetings, I become so paralyzed with the fear of not having anything to offer or bring to the table, that what I have to say won't be significant or meaningful to anyone...so I keep my mouth shut. I know this is the enemy trying to keep me silent because he knows God is preparing me and going to give me a voice later on in the future.

I've lived in denial and tried to tell myself that I'm okay, when I'm not. I am broken and weak. My heart is covered in scars. So much crap has happened to me and I have walked through so many dark seasons in my short 21 years of life. The enemy has a target on my head. All of hell is against me and seeking to take me out.

Well. Today I had coffee with one of my leaders at my school, Brielle. I shared with her everything that God is speaking and revealing to me, all that He is walking me through and the things I most want to learn, grow in, and overcome this year. I shared with her my story, my fears and what God has been speaking to me about fear and all these different things. She rocked my world by sharing with me different life principles and life giving words from God. She sees potential in you, and draws it out. She asked me if I understood how powerful my story is to so many people and that I need to begin to ask God for opportunities to share my story to lend the hope and freedom Jesus gave me to others. She told me that when people compliment me and tell me things that I don't necessarily believe about myself, I need to start saying "Thank You", and not shrugging it off like its not true. She told me that she sees purpose and potential, gifts and talents, and an incredible future that God has planned out for me. She told me that I am unique and I have been given things from God that nobody else has, that I am a very special person with extraordinary potential, that I have been anointed and called. She encouraged me to remain teachable. She challenged me to begin walking out and practicing for the dreams God has given me, and told me that she will hold me accountable to not walking in fear, and to do what I know God has called me to but been too afraid to do. She told me that its okay to be weak and vulnerable in front of people, and that if I ever needed to be weak in front of someone she would be there.

I love the leaders God has positioned in my life. I love the challenge that standard of excellence that they hold me to. I love that they genuinely care and invest in my life, seeing things in me that I don't necessarily see and they pull those things out so they can produce fruit.

The second part of my day. If I can attempt to put it into words for you. Here goes.

On Monday night I went with a small group of girls from my school to help with a spa night for moms of chronically sick kids at the children's hospital...that's another story. Anyway. At this outreach I met a man named Sam. Instant spiritual God connection. He was encouraging me and speaking the most incredible words of life over me the whole night. I wasn't sure why, but I was drawn to him and wanted to talk to him. The only thing I could think of is maybe this is the father figure that I have been asking God to bring into my life for the past few years. Legitimately.

Well today I went to meet up with him at his salon to talk and clearly since God laid it on both of our hearts to have this conversation...God was bound to show up in a powerful way.

And I'm gonna be real right now, I've been sitting here staring at this screen for twenty minutes, trying to come up with how to express what happened and how God wrecked my heart. I have no words. I'm still in awe. My heart is just in an upward position, eyes locked in with Jesus and I just can't look away because I am so amazed at how incredible He is. So I'm gonna let the Holy Spirit write through me to explain what happened.

I began by sharing my story with him, and he shared his with mine (which was incredibly powerful). I love hearing people's stories of how God rescued them and captivated their heart for Himself.

He began to speak things about my heart and life that clearly God was speaking through him, cause everything he was saying was right on tap with the condition of my heart and my circumstances.

I'm gonna do something that isn't normal for me, that used to scare me, and I'm gonna be real, open, and vulnerable with you, dear reader, because I believe that if my story can impact or help even one person, it is worth sharing.

He told me that I have a beautiful heart and I love people a lot, which is seen through my eyes, smile, and the way I interact with people. That I give the most amazing hugs and through that he could feel my heart. But the thing is that I walk around with a guarded heart. I give people glimpses for maybe a few minutes, then shut the door again and don't let them anywhere except surface level conversation.

I have trust issues. I have been burned in the past far too many times. My daddy abandoned my family when I was seven years old. All of my friends, and I mean all, except maybe two, have walked out on me and decided I was no longer worth their love or attention. When I begin to have deep and meaningful relationships, without fail, the other person leaves. You can understand why I would have issues with trust. I hate letting people see my heart, only to have them leave me behind, bleeding and wounded from their words or lack of words.

I carry around guilt and shame. I carry my past around with me. I have baggage, and its heavy and ugly, but I have grown accustomed to carrying it around that I just believed that it was a part of me and I could never get rid of it. I beat myself up over past words, decisions, mistakes, thoughts, relationships, and things I left unspoken.

He noticed that I am quick to forgive and love others, full of grace and compassion...but I have issues extending the same love and forgiveness to myself. I love well, but only for others. I don't believe I am worthy of that love and forgiveness.

He handed me a small cross that said, "With God, ALL things are possible." Then asked me what I was holding in my hands. A cross. A promise. With God, ALL things are possible. He said, "Let me tell you what it doesn't say, 'With God, all things are possible, for everyone except Kasey. No. ALL things are possible.'"

Its okay to cry. Its okay to be weak. Its okay to mourn and feel. I don't allow myself to feel, even though I am capable to feel deeply. I hate feelings and emotions. I equate them with weakness. I have always associated weakness with being negative, but its a good thing in the Kingdom of God.

He said that I am afraid to look into the mirror for any longer that a few seconds, as I am afraid to see what is really there, and I don't like what I see when I look into that mirror. He leaned in close and locked eyes with me, and knew that I wanted someone to see who I really was, what was underneath all the camouflage and layers of wounds and bandages I have placed on my heart.

He told me that the little girl Kasey that was abandoned as a child was still inside of me, and I needed to help her see her pain and circumstances through the eyes of grown up Kasey, who has walked through life and seen the results of her wounds, and then to let God speak to her and offer His hand and heart as a Father.

He told me to put my arm out in front of me, and said that all that I have ever wanted and needed was that close, but I couldn't reach it because of the walls I have built up. The Father's love, being held, someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, someone to tell me how great I am, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, treasured, and loved. Someone to defend me and protect me. Its all right there, in reaching distance, but I still cannot get to it cause there are walls holding me back.

He told me that just because my daddy let me down does not mean that every man in my life will let me down. God will bring along the right one someday. Its okay to trust people. Its okay to trust men.

He shared how he sees great love, potential, and purpose in me and all the walls need to come down and all this junk needed to come off of me in order for me to live out my calling.

I shared about how I had come to the realization that I have lived under the oppression of fear for so long, that it has been a driving force in my life. Fear has paralyzed me. Fear has held me back from seizing God given opportunities.

Honestly, I have heard everything that he told me before. A hundred times. More. But it was always in a sermon, or a book. I have never had somebody, a spiritual authority or father figure, or just flat out anybody, sit down with me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I can have freedom from fear. That I don't have to carry around guilt and shame. That I am worthy of being loved and loving myself the way I love others. That its okay to trust. Its okay to be weak.

That the same healing, love, freedom, joy, and grace that I so firmly believe is for others and that I pray for others to receive all the time...its for me too. I don't know if you understand how huge that is for me. I have freely given, prayed for others for these things, and believed with my whole heart that God works those things out for them. But I have never believed for or asked for those things for myself.

I have never asked God to heal my heart. I haven't with authority commanded my body to be healed. I haven't let the head knowledge sink into my heart that God loves me. Jesus loves me. God sent His Son...for me. I have asked God for forgiveness, but never felt worthy, never fully able to accept His forgiveness cause I always am asking, constantly bringing things back up that I've done, things that He has forgotten about already still haunt my mind.

Could anything I did be worse than killing Christians for a living? Paul, who wrote over 2/3 of the New Testament, before He was blinded on the road by Jesus and had his life transform, was a killer. God forgave him and used him to spread the Gospel throughout the whole world, and we still feel his impact today.

If God can use a killer, He can use broken me.

Then we prayed. Heaven met earth. I could feel God's healing power washing over me. His freedom being poured into my heart, mind, soul, every area of my life. My heart changed. As I cried, my tears hit the dry ground of my heart and watered areas that I had buried and left untouched for years. God poured out His peace on my mind, an area that has been under constant torment for my whole life.

I now am willing and ready to accept things that I was not willing to accept of do prior to this meeting.

I am willing to forgive myself and realize that part of the forgiveness God wants us to extend is to ourselves. I no longer look at my past, or even myself with shame or guilt. I have been made new, holy, I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.

I treasure my past and all of my suffering and trials that I have been through, they have shaped me into who I am today. They have built of strength and character. I look at what I have been through and I see the faithfulness of God to His promise of being with me wherever I go. "Never will I leave you or forsake you." Truth. He has never left, and in the times where He has felt distant, it was my heart that walked away from Him.

I am willing to love myself. To not neglect my own heart any longer. I don't care what people thing or say about me any longer. It doesn't matter. Frankly, I'm awesome. I've only ever said that out of sarcasm, but I really do love the person God has created me to be. And I don't say that out of pride, I just now know, understand and truly believe that God has made me exactly the way He wanted and God's creation is awesome.

He explained to me that the two opinions that matter are God's opinion of me, and my own opinion of myself. God is ultimately who I answer to and the One I live to love and serve. And my own opinion will shape how I live and see the world.

I have spoken death over myself for my whole life. I have said words like, "You're ugly. You're worthless. You're not good enough. You will never amount to anything. You will never be able to do what God has called you to do. You're not worthy of love. You're not worthy of forgiveness. You can't do it. You're fat. You're a disgrace to your family, and to God. Nobody really cares about you. You're alone." See the thing about words is that they have the power to bring life or kill, and I was killing myself through my words. And if you say something for long enough, you begin to believe it. I believed every lie that was ever spoken over me, and every word that I have ever spoken over myself. I now understand the power of my words and I will no speak death over myself.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am beautiful. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am perfect and flawless in His sight. I have been made new. My past and my dirt do not define me. I have been washed in the Blood of Jesus. I have been given a purpose and a calling to do great and mighty things. I am pure. I am holy. I am an heir with God and a co-heir with Jesus. I am more than a conqueror. I am fierce. I am scary to the kingdom of darkness. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am made in the image and likeness of God. I reflect God's heart and love to the world. I am captivating. I am able, and when I am unable, God is able to do all things in and through me. LIFE. No more death.

I am free. I don't have to live in fear. Fear does not have any hold on my life, and it never will again. No matter what attack I come under, and I know they will never stop because satan will do everything in his power to take me out. But the good news is that I have the authority and he doesn't. I can tell him to leave in Jesus Name and he must flee. I can speak with all authority under Heaven and earth that has been given to me by God.

I am not afraid. I will live fearless. And if fear comes along and tries to keep me from God's plans and promises, I will rebuke it and if I must, I will do it afraid. Fear has no hold over me.

Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But, take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Trouble is a promise. But our victory is a promise as well. We as believers fight from victory, not to victory.

After we got done praying, he took his "iCAN" bracelet off and placed it on my wrist. (I can't even tell you how much this thing means to me now. This day was a breaking point and catalyst in my life and this is an everyday reminder of what God did.) iCan do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. ALL things. There is nothing that is too much for me to handle, with Jesus on my side. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:28) Strength the conquer anything. I CAN. I will no longer speak words of defeat, no, because I can. God can. God lives inside of me.

With God, ALL things are possible. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. Not some things, not a few things, ALL things.

God wrecked my world. Everything has changed. Everything.

I had this beautiful moment after I left. I went into my car and all I could do was sit there in amazement at how powerful my God is, and how much He loves and believes in me. I turned on my iPod and "Here in Your Presence" popped on.

"Found in Your hands, fullness of joy. Every fear, suddenly wiped away. Here in Your presence." Precisely what had just happened. I entered into the most Holy place, and every single fear I had once given power over me was wiped away.

I realized that I was carrying around chains, but because I have Jesus inside of me, those chains were already broken long ago. I had been carrying around broken chains. BROKEN CHAINS. They became broken the moment I surrendered my heart to Jesus. I didn't have to carry them around. But strongholds had been built up in my mind, and I completely believed that they had power over me and that I could never get rid of them. They were broken chains. I was finally able to just throw them on the ground and be done with them. Chains that have fully intact shackles may have power, but I was carrying around broken chains that only have power if you give it to them. In the Name of Jesus, every chain is broken. Throw them down and be free.

Jesus is the seed of hope. I now have hope where there once was shame, guilt, fear, condemnation, distrust, and insecurity. I have courage.

God has given me Joshua 1:9 as one of my life verses, and no wonder, the very thing that God has spoken over me (courage), the enemy tries to use as his strongest weapon against me (fear).

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I will be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged. I know that the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.

I am ready to go tear it up. I am ready to go light up the world with the Love of Jesus. I am ready to share my story of what God has done in my life and see others brought into the same freedom and hope. I am ready to go and fulfill that which God had in mind when He created me before the foundations of the earth.

Here I am, Lord, send me.

breaking in vulnerability

Jesus can teach lessons through anything. I suppose that's why one of His names is the Great Teacher.

On Wednesday I was driving home from visiting my sister in Florida and all of a sudden felt pain like somebody stabbing a dagger into my abdomen. It hurt to sit. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to laugh. This continued the whole day until I got back into Birmingham. Then it start to hurt to breathe. I asked a few friends and my mom what I should do and the general consensus was to go to the hospital. I reluctantly called one of my friends and asked her to drive me. I am absolutely terrified of doctors and I am not too fond of hospitals either.

I told them what was going on and they seemed pretty concerned and I had to get a CT Scan. They came back and told me I had a cyst the size of a tennis ball on my ovary and I would have to stay overnight and be admitted to the women's ward in the hospital to get an ultrasound and possibly surgery the next day.

I realized in that moment that I am absolutely terrified of letting my walls down and allowing others to see my weaknesses and fears. I wanted to weep. I was so scared and overwhelmed with fear. But my friend Caroline was with me, so I had to do everything I could to not open the floodgates. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like letting others see me cry. I don't like being seen in weakness.

I live 1300 miles away from my family and all I wanted was for my mom and sisters to be with me, but that wasn't an option. I had my amazing Highlands College sisters with me almost the whole time, but I so badly wanted my mama and sisters. I had to constantly talk to Jesus and ask for strength, cause I was freaking out on the inside the whole time.

The next day I found out that it would be the best option to get surgery to get the cyst removed. I had mixed feelings about it, but mostly fear. I was glad to be getting rid of the source of the worst physical pain I've ever felt in my life, but I was overwhelmed with fear and nerves at the same time. Fear of being put to sleep, fear of being cut open, fear of not knowing what was going to happen to me, and fear of being naked and vulnerable in front of the doctors and several nurses.

When I was in the pre-op room, my friends and leaders from HC were with me offering courage and prayers. Caroline, Sandlyn, Brielle, Miss Mary and Momma Jane all came to support me and be there for me when I most needed them. I wasn't really talking or doing anything because I was so paralyzed with fear, I'm sure you could see the fear on my face and I was getting nervous red splotches on my neck and chest. Momma Jane started playing worship songs about healing and came over and sat on my bed and they all laid hands on me and prayed for me. At that point I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I gave in and was absolutely weeping. I was allowing others to see my weakness and that is a huge step for me.

I was sitting there vulnerable and naked (literally. but covered. ha!)...and emotionally allowing others into my place of weakness and fear when I didn't have the strength to hide my heart any longer. Allowing other women into the place I was so afraid of letting them see. I have lived my whole life out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of others seeing who I really am and what I really feel. It was in that moment of weakness and vulnerability that all of that broke over me. I decided that I would no longer live in fear. I decided that I would no longer hide who I am, but allow people in to see my true colors and let them into my heart. I would no longer hide under the layers of insecurity and trying to be something I'm not. I would allow others to enter into my world and allow myself to influence them with the heart God placed inside of me, and allow myself to be influenced by the hearts God has given them.

When I was sitting on that hospital bed, drugged up, exhausted and fearful...I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of people for the first time in a long time. It was my breaking point. I will not hide my emotions or my heart any longer. I will share my world and heart with others. I will no longer try to fight battles by myself or rely on my own strength, cause flat out, sometimes I don't have any strength to lean on. I will not put on a strong face anymore and pretend everything is okay when my heart is in turmoil.

After that moment, I was able to be taken away to surgery fully confident in the love of God for me, my HC family, and knowing that I was in God's hands and there was no reason to fear because everything would be perfectly fine.

Its quite absurd the different things that God can use to break us and teach us lessons to set us free from strongholds and mindsets that perhaps could have been lifelong. Right now I am learning how to rest and be served during recovery. But that's a whole other story!

Change of Direction

My life is beginning to take a completely different turn than I ever expected it would. It all started my sophomore year of high school. I was at my old youth group, _Tag, and the church interns in a program called 24/7 were talking about their trip to Mexico. God told me, quite clearly, that I would be doing 24/7 in the future. I initially said, "NO". I thought it was too intense and that I was not 24/7 material, so I just pushed it to the side and forgot about it. Well, about 2 years ago, God began to bring the idea back to my memory, and I began to pray. I went in with my stubbornness saying, no, this is never going to happen. And now, I know, beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is where God is leading me. And I could not be more excited.

I had planned to finish college, and right now I am only one semester away from obtaining my Associate of Arts degree. Well, that is being put on hold for now. I don't really know why I have been going to school, I guess cause it made me feel like I was doing something that mattered. And it did, its not like I was hurting anything by going to school and getting a college education. But, right now, God is leading me to a different path, at least for a season.

This change is kind of intimidating, and it scares me in more way that one. I will be leaving home to move all the way across the country, to Sweet Home ALABAMA! Leaving my family, my church, my city, my job...everything I have ever known I am leaving to follow Jesus and His call. I don't know what I'm gonna do without my Mama, but I know I will get by with the strength of God. I am scared because I am going without all the funding I need. I am working full time this summer to raise as much money as I can, and just leaving to go and trust God to provide all that I need while I am there. It scares me because I know that this will be the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, it will be incredibly challenging. I know that I will reach a deeper level of brokenness than I have ever known.

But despite being intimidated by the unknown, I feel the deepest peace about this next step, and I know that it is where God is leading me to go next. August 20th. Highlands College. Birmingham, Alabama.

Bring it on, Jesus!