sleeping through the storm

Storms are scary, loud, and often times come in the darkness when you can't see them coming.

Last week eleven tornadoes ripped through my state in one night. They brought heavy destruction and things got messy very quickly. I didn't sleep that night. Storms scare me like nothing else can. The thing about these kinds of storms is that they can be predicted and tracked. When dealing with the weather, there is so much technology that can show exactly when a storm is going to come, how long it will last, and what path it is going to take.

There is another type of storm, these are the storms of life. Contrary to the storms outside, these storms come out of nowhere and BANG – lightening, thunder, rain, waves, hail, it seems like everything around you is crashing down.

Storms of life cannot be predicted.

I am in the middle of a storm of life that started a few months ago, and is by far the strongest right now.

I had surgery in October to remove a giant ovarian cyst, and my doctor assured me that I would no longer have to worry about getting them anymore. Well, yesterday I went to the doctor with severe pain along with umpteen other symptoms that had me concerned, and after an exam and ultrasound I learned that I have two complex cysts on one ovary and small follicles on the other one that should not be there. From all I have read about complex cysts, they are known as the most “dangerous” type that one could have, and if they grow and develop they can turn into something much more serious than just a cyst, even cancerous. From everything I have read and all the research I have done, I have every single symptom of ovarian cancer; but I refuse to believe that that is truth, cause it isn't. My doctor told me that typically they go away on their own, but there is a chance that they won't, so I have to go back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound to check on what they are doing.

I am believing God that He is going to heal me and they are going to go away in Jesus Name. But, doubt, fear and unbelief are coming at me from all angles. Because of how vague my doctor was with me, all I can think of are the “what ifs”...

What if I miss another period, what will that mean?

What if they don't go away on their own?

What if I have cancer?

What if I can't have babies?

If I can't have babies, how will I ever find a husband?

What if is never a safe game to play, it brings you down every time.

The other storm I am facing is a state of being in financial ruins. When I was planning my finances for moving to Alabama, I did not include an emergency surgery and $4,000 of medical bills. Once I pay my health insurance tomorrow, I will be completely out of money. I don't know where my next tank of gas is going to come from, much less the hundreds of dollars of bills I have to pay every month...car insurance, health insurance, car insurance, gas, and the 6 medical places I have to make payments to. I have to pay $400 for a mission trip I'm required to go on and that money is due in 3 weeks. I literally have nothing. I don't know what to do.

I was sitting in my car tonight, sobbing, pouring my heart out to my Daddy. I know He knows everything, but I think He loves to hear our hearts. I expressed all that I was feeling to Him, knowing He would understand and bring peace in the midst of my storm.

The truth is, I can't do this. I don't have the strength to walk through this. I am overwhelmed with my circumstances. It feels as if the world is crashing in around me. I would really love it if Jesus would just come back...now.

I feel like the man who said to Jesus, “I believe, now help my unbelief.”

I believe, but there are tiny seeds of doubt and fear that are trying to make me think that the promises of God aren't for me, even though I know that they are.

God has never failed me. He has never ceased to take care of me. He has always provided. He has always cared. He is faithful, true and good. I know I can trust Him. I do trust Him, but at the same time, I feel so alone and isolated right now. As if nobody understands what I am going through. I feel like I'm not allowed to not be okay. I have to put on a mask and pretend everything is perfect.

I am scared. I have put on a brave face because nobody understands. But the truth is, I am scared. I'm scared of not knowing. Not knowing if I am going to be okay. Not knowing where money is going to come from. Not knowing how I am going to meet my money deadlines that are fast approaching. Not knowing if the cysts on my ovaries are going to go away, or if they will rupture, or if they will grow. I hate the unknown. I like knowing. I like being in control. I can't control any of this. I can't control my body, and with no job, I can't control my finances.

When I was a kid, my family went to these famous caves in New Mexico called Carlsbad Caverns. I remember walking through these spectacular caves with beautiful rock structures, drop offs, and exquisite details that our Creator formed. We got to a point where the guide had us turn off all of the lights. Pitch black. You could not see anything, not even your hand in front of your face. I remember fear setting into my heart as I grabbed my dad's hand and held as tight as little me possibly could.

I feel that way right now. I am standing in the midst of sheer darkness and I can't see anything around me. There is no light around me, and I have no idea where I am or where I am going. I am holding onto my Daddy's hand as hard as I possibly can, trying not to let the doubts and fears of the storm surrounding me to loosen my grip.

Matthew 8:23-26 “Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We're going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.”

I think many times we want life's storms to be solved just like the storm that Jesus calmed. We want for everything to be perfect and peaceful around us, and then we'll be okay. But I don't think life is that clean cut most of the times. The storms I have walked through, and am currently facing, well they come out of nowhere and they tend to stick around for awhile. These storms, God doesn't create them, but I do believe He works all things together for our good.

I think there's a lesson in this passage of scripture that maybe Jesus wanted to teach us, and its found in verse 24 where it simply says, “But Jesus was sleeping.”

The disciples were freaking out, panicking, afraid that they were going to die. But Jesus, He was sleeping. In the middle of the storm, He was fast asleep. He wasn't worried about what was going on around Him. How is it possible that He was asleep while the disciples were panicking about the storm? These were fishermen who knew their storms and for them to say “We're going to drown!”, it had to have been a serious storm. But Jesus, He was sleeping.

Why was He sleeping?

He knew who He was. He knew who His Father was. He knew what God could do. He knew that He had full authority and that He had complete control. He knew that there was nothing, absolutely nothing to worry about because nothing could touch Him. He knew who He was, who His Father was, and what He was called to do.

Can you imagine the peace that Jesus had in that moment? He didn't need for the storm to subside or for everything around Him to be perfect before He could rest. No, see Jesus found rest and peace in the middle of the storm.

I think the peace that we seek in life is not necessarily found in the calming of the storm. I think it can be found in the middle of the storm. I think we can get to a place where we can remain untouched, and unshaken by the storms that happen throughout our lives.

John 16:33 “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Trouble is a promise. Storms are a promise. As much as salvation, healing, provision, and peace are promises, so are storms. We are guaranteed to have problems in this world. The storm will eventually subside, but there will always be a new storm. If we live from storm to storm, being strong between storms but cowering in fear and worry during the storms, how effective can we possibly be for the Kingdom? I think we need to learn to sleep in the middle of the storm. Not because everything is peachy keen, but because Christ lives inside of us. It doesn't mean we shouldn't ask God to work out the storms or that we shouldn't pray that they go away, no, I believe God honors that and He will work things out. It just might not be in our timing or in our terms. I just believe that we need to get to a place of such a faith where the storms cannot take us out.

Storms reveal character. The real you comes out when everything around you comes crashing down. What will the storm you are facing reveal about you? I know my current storm is showing me how weak I am and that I still struggle with trust.

I want to learn to sleep in the midst of the storm. Right now, I feel as if it couldn't possibly get any worse than it is right now. Honestly, it could get worse. In one month, I find out my diagnosis. Tomorrow, I have no money in my bank account. Fear is coming at me and telling me its over. Telling me I can't do this. Telling me that I will never make it to the other side of this storm.

I need to turn to Jesus' example and remember who I am. I am a child of God. I am covered and protected by His hands. I am healed. I am secure. I am taken care of by my perfect Daddy. And second, I need to remember who my Father is. My Daddy is the Creator of everything. My Daddy is faithful. My Daddy never leaves me, and He never forsakes me. My Daddy is strong enough to catch me when I fall. My Daddy is good and He never fails to provide all of my needs according to His riches and glory. My Daddy loves me with an everlasting love. My Daddy makes all things new.

At the end of every storm, there is a calm. There comes the sun. There is a rainbow. A rainbow that signifies God's promise to always take care of His children. All things are made new.

I am learning to fully rely on my sweet Jesus to bring me through this storm. I can't do it by myself, but I think He loves that. He loves being strong on our behalf. He loves to fight for us.

I want to leave you with two verses that have been resonating in my spirit recently:

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.”

1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares for you.”

I find it funny that when scary things happen, we tend to revert back to things from our childhood. When I was a kid I used to watch this show called Psalty the Singing Songbook. If you saw it today you would think it was completely ridiculous, but this show gave me my spiritual foundation of Truth and love for Jesus. One of the songs from the camping episode, which I have found my heart singing many times over the years simply says:

“I cast all my cares upon You. I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet. And anytime I don't know what to do, I will cast all my cares upon You.”

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle any of this storm that is raging all around me. So I am choosing to do the only thing I know how to do. Surrender. Trust God. He knows what is going on, and He knows exactly what I need. His will be done, not my own. I give control over to Him.

I encourage you to do the same. If you are facing a storm, go before your Daddy and cast all of your cares upon Him, because He cares for you. Surrender control. Let Him calm your fears and lull you to sleep, even in the midst of the storm.