I am a writer.
It is more than what I do.
It is who I am.
Last night I had a moment of weakness after receiving criticism on my writing in class.
I felt like a failure. I wanted to take my piece, tear it to shreds, and burn it. Then do it all over again.
I hated myself as a writer.
My thought was, "The only thing I'm good at is writing. If I can't write, I have nothing else going for me. What am I going to do with my life now?"
I texted my friend Kiara, a fellow writer.
"I feel like such a shitty writer. I'm done."
"Maybe I need to stop investing myself emotionally in my writing and then I won't feel so awful about myself after I receive criticism."
She texted me back and said she hoped I could hear the scream of anguish against that idea from Alabama.
She asked me what writing was to me. I had never thought about it. Here's what I said:
Everything.
My heart on paper.
Its beauty expressed.
Its depth.
Its God's gift He's entrusted me with to write His words.
Its the deepest parts of my heart and soul.
Its life recorded and memories made.
Its a baby that each time I become pregnant with and let it grow and develop and carry, and its painful to give birth to, but in the end the result is priceless, beautiful and worth more than gold.
"You were made for this." She responded.
What she said next hit my heart.
"Why do you forget? What you've been given? And why would we take disregard a blessing by complaining? It is the air you've been give to breathe because it gives you more life than any atoms or molecules could. Jesus was a storyteller. God was a poet. You've been given the greatest gift. You get to tell of God's glory in the same fashion he did. Don't ever forget it."
That's what writing is. The gift I've been given.
I can be so critical on myself as a writer.
As a writer, I am so obsessed and captivated by all things beautiful.
I so long to capture and reflect that beauty, God's beauty, and when I feel like I'm not doing it justice...as writing is a baby I become impregnated with, those times are miscarriages and complications.
I suppose that is another aspect in which I have been created in His image.
I am a storyteller.
I am a creator of beauty and depth.
Its a high calling. Its a challenge, but its my challenge.
I was made for this.
I will not relent.
I will not give up in the times when birth is painful and seems impossible.
I am a writer.
It is more than what I do.
It is who I am.
I was close to sobbing, reading this. I don't know how to explain it.
ReplyDeleteAgain and again I've wished I could be a better storyteller. I so agree, that it's a high calling. Of course you want to keep trying to improve it, but oh please, remember always that what matters most is the spirit in which you do your work, much more than specifically what you say or how you say it.