covering up flaws and hiding behind masks

God is taking me on a new journey. A scary one. I have been arguing with Him for the past two hours, trying to find a way to talk my way out of it, but He is more stubborn than me and has made up His mind.

Let's chat.

The past week I have been struggling.

I have had a lot of insecure, "I feel gross", want to puke when I look in the mirror moments. Not good, I know. Its been awhile since I have struggled with this stuff, and it hasn't been fun.

I have never fully been able to accept myself for who God created me to be.

I hate my face without makeup.

In my opinion, it can be likened to that of a naked mole rat. Beautiful, right? Not so much.

My home sponsor, Jackie, probably told me 100 times, "Honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look. You have everything going for you."

I would say "Thank you." and nod in agreement, but I never believed her.

What comes to my mind when I look in the mirror, more often than not, the word that comes to my mind is rarely anything close to "beautiful."

God tells me in His Word that I am...beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, all lovely, made in His image...but the thing is...I have never been able to believe that.

I'm being open, honest, vulnerable, real and raw with you right now, dear reader, whoever you are, in hopes that my journey and struggles can help you overcome yours.

The truth is that I love makeup. Ever since I was allowed to start wearing it (at 16)...I have been addicted. There is something about putting on some music in the morning, or whatever part of the day, and applying my "face"..as I call it...and making myself at least feel beautiful, fresh, and free.

It makes me feel confident and covers up my flaws and insecurities. I never leave the house without it. Not even when I'm going running or to the gym. Sad, I know.

Here's the funny thing.

Today I texted a good friend of mine and told her that I have gotten to the point where I no longer share my struggles with others because I don't want to put burdens on them or be a life-sucking friend. I want to give life, so I don't share my battles. I wear masks. I pretend everything is okay, even when its not. I feel, especially in a position of leadership, that I'm somehow not allowed to have struggles or weaknesses, and if I do...well I better not show it or let anybody know cause that would ruin my image.

What kind of horrible lies are those? Straight from the pit of hell is what they are.

Tonight was one of those nights where I so longed to sit at the kitchen table and spend hours talking heart matters and struggles with Sam and Jackie over a cup of coffee...My goodness, how I miss those times so much. 

I don't want to get to the place of wearing masks and covering up all the time again. I just got to the point a few months ago where I felt comfortable sharing my heart, weaknesses and all, with others. No more masks, no more walls, just me, and that's enough.

I have also received conviction from the Holy Spirit that I need to deal with my insecurities and self-hate before I step into more positions of leadership as a 2nd year in Highlands College. One role in particular which is going to be the most important. I will get to act as a D-Group leader and have a group of about 6 first year girls under me, discipling and pouring myself into them...and I DO NOT want to project an image of insecurity and worthlessness to them and make them think that it is okay to think this way about themselves, because it is not okay. I already love these girls more than words can say, even though I haven't met them (except for one precious girl, Jordan)... and I want the best for them. You do what your see, right? I want them to see confidence and security in their leader. I have to deal with my problems with this before I get there.

Tonight, I stumbled upon a blog via a post I saw on Twitter. I perused her blog and found her posts on a makeup fast that she is embarking on and in the early stages of. (www.melissajenna.com) Well, posted a link to a Facebook group she had created for women who wanted to join, partially join, or follow her journey with a fresh face for 40 days. I went on and felt the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart, "I want you to do this."

"WHAT?! No God, NO. Absolutely not. You.Are.Crazy. I'm not doing it. I did it once for a week when You basically forced me to, and that was long enough. 40? No. Not happening. Sorry."

That sounds a lot like what I told Him 6 years ago about me doing 24/7...and look where that got me. I'm in my second year now. Ha! He is even more stubborn about things than I am.

I argued Him for an hour. Gave Him every rational reason I could come up with.

1. "Aly is in town...I want to take pictures with her! Not without makeup, nope!" "Darling, Aly doesn't wear makeup. You know the talks you two have had about this subject. She would side with me." Dang it. 2. "I have PCOS. My ovaries won't allow me...my face freaks out when my hormones go crazy. What am I gonna do when my face is covered with acne?" "Trust me." Ugh. Fine. 3. "But. But. But....I have no reason not to submit."

The more I argued and debated the idea with Him, the stronger I felt the need to do it.

I made my decision, even though it kills me to do so, that I am going to go the next 40 days without makeup. No makeup up until the day I leave to move back to Alabama for my second year of Highlands College. I took my makeup off tonight for the last time until I leave.

Lord help me. I am petrified. Sick to my stomach? Yes. Definitely.

This is more than just a makeup addiction. This is me revealing my heart for other to see. Raw and real. This is me taking off the mask I have worn for so many years to hide who I really am. No more hiding. I won't hide who God created me to be any longer. I'm done. This is more than outer beauty, this is inner beauty. As I embark on my quest to discover and believe in the beauty God has given me, I seek to allow God to shape my heart into something more beautiful and lovely.

This will quite possibly be one of the most difficult journeys I have ever been asked to walk, but I know my Father will be with me every step of the way, every weak moment, when I fail, when I question my strength...His arms are right there for me to fall into. 

These verses will be my anthem for the next 40 days.

Psalm 139:13-14  "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Song of Songs 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, there is NO flaw in you." 

Romans 9:20 "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'"

Song of Songs 2:2 “As the lily among the thorns, so is my love among the daughters.”

And this song has been, and will continue to be my anthem. "When I don't understand, I will choose You."