be.

I have not written in almost 5 months.

I go into my times of prayer and I am left speechless. Not because I am overwhelmed, but because I don't know what to say.

I don't read my Bible as often as I should.

I get distracted during worship and my mind wanders.

Even though loving the Lord has always been a choice, in this place I am in right now and have been stuck in for quite some time, it is really a choice. Because I don't feel it. I have to daily, moment by moment, make an intentional decision to love, follow, fellowship with, and serve the Lord.

Psalm 23:4 says, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

I am in the darkest valley.

A valley where I can't see, hear, or feel the Lord.

I know He is there.

Here.

With me.

Emmanuel. God with me. 

I know it. But I can't feel it.

My heart has been so discouraged by this season. I can't remember the last time I walked through this kind of valley. I miss the intimacy I once had with my sweet Jesus, my Father, and my best friend...the Holy Spirit.

But yet my heart knows that while I can't feel Him as I once did. His presence has never been more real, more tangible, more with me than in the dark and dry season of the heart.

A couple weeks ago I was in the Highlands College offices doing some admissions work, and getting ready to leave. I was going to walk straight to my car and go home, but for some reason I really felt like I needed to talk to Coach Tim about what has been going on. Coach loves prayer like I have never seen anyone love prayer.

I knocked on his door. "Got a minute, Coach?"

He made a joke about how he was gonna be there all day and though he could squeeze a few minutes in for me. Ha!

I sat down in one of the chairs across from his desk.

"Coach. I've lost my passion and love for prayer. I sit there and I'm like...God, I want to talk to you, but I don't know what to say to You. How do you fall in love with prayer again?"

He asks me a question. "How do you know I love you?"

I think. Crap. I don't know how to answer that. I stumble around my words.

"Cause the way you talk to me. How I know you pray for me. The fact that you're taking time to talk to me and help me. I just know."    

He asked me, "Was there any doubt in your mind that I was going to tell you I didn't have time to talk, that I would tell you that I was too busy for you?"

Honestly, I wanted to say "Yes." I wasn't really sure. I thought maybe he would be too busy.

"No sir.", I replied.

"Do you think there's ever a time when God would say to you, 'Gosh, I've just got too much on my plate right now. I don't have time to talk to you.'?", He asked me,

I laughed and said no, that's absurd.

He told me about how in his times of prayer he will take different approaches and talk to God in different ways.

He asked me where God was.

Here. Everywhere.

There was an empty chair next to me. He looks at the chair intently, and starts saying how sometimes he sits with an empty chair directly across from him and pretends that God is sitting in that chair, because realistically, He is.

He says, "Lord, what would You have me to say to Kasey right now?"

Silence.

Coach looks at me and begins to speak.

"He says He misses His time with you. He says He sees you, that He is with you. That He loves you."

He looks back at the chair. "Sir?"

"He says He thinks you're beautiful. He misses hearing the sweet sound of your voice."

"Sir?"

"He says He just wants to be with you and share a love relationship with you."

Coach asks me what I would like to say to Him.

"Right now?", I manage to say through my pouring tears.

"Yes. Right now."

I cry for a minute and wait.

"I miss you too. I miss spending time with you. I miss the way it used to be."

"You see, sweetheart? Its that easy. Prayer is just talking to God, as if He was sitting right next to you."

I realized in that moment that when you truly love someone, talking to them is not a challenge.

I have lost my love relationship with the Lord.

I have neglected to spend time with Him, daily in His presence.

I have forgotten what it means to have a relationship with God.

Its not about what I'm doing.

I'm not going through a dry season because I don't read my Bible, or the fact that I get distracted in worship, or that I find it difficult to pray. No. There is a much deeper reason.

Its a heart issue.

I have been walking through this darkest valley because I have forgotten what it means to simply love the Lord.

I have forgotten the art of sitting in His presence and just being still, open, real, and raw before Him.

I have let my mind, will and emotions get in the way of my spirit connecting with His Spirit.

Its all about living a Spirit led life. I have never fully understood what that means until a recent revelation that I was given.

Life, in every aspect, is all about perspective.

When we live a life that is controlled by the soul, which is our mind, will and emotions, our perspective is being shaped by our past, our feelings, our thoughts, our relationships, circumstances, and our worldview.

When we live a life controlled by the soul, our perspective is skewed. We are looking through a broken lens.

When we live a life led by the Spirit, it has nothing to do with us. It is completely dependent on God and who He is. It is Truth, regardless of what is going on inside of or around us. It brings clarity and gives us a perfect lens through which we can look through.

I am in the darkest valley because I have starved my spirit, and denied the Holy Spirit from having access to my life.

It is time to be intentional with my love relationship with the Lord.

My heart and my affections belong to Jesus.

God doesn't feel distant because He has distanced Himself. He feel distant because I have slowly distanced myself from His arms.

I've found myself in a place of just wanting to be in His arms, and needing to be in His arms, but His arms are hiding.

About a month ago we went on Highlands College Expedition. The last part of this weekend was to go a mile into a cave and in that place we would turn off all of the lights and spend time in worship together.

As soon as Pastor Layne finished talking to us about finishing strong, building character, how character is made in the hard times of life where you want to give up...we cut out all the lights. Complete and utter darkness. It felt a lot like my spiritual life has felt for the past few months.

We began to worship.

"My whole life is Yours. I give it all. Surrendered to Your way. And forever I will pray, 'Have Your way. Have Your way!'"

I meant every word I was singing.

My whole life. Every day. Every moment. Every thought. Every action. Every word. Everything. His.

I felt His arms. I felt His presence, flowing through that place like a wave, but I couldn't see anything.

I have been in the darkest valley where I worship and seek Him, but I can't see Him and have no concept of what is around me because if feels so dark.

But the darkness cannot consume the light of God that lives inside of me.

I was born to live as a child of the light.

A child of God.

This season is over. I am ready to walk in an intimate, in tune with the Spirit, love relationship with the Lord again.

No more falling behind. No more ignoring His leading. No more half-hearted Christianity.

I'm going all in.

I'm burning my boats.

I'm burning the bridges that lead back to my old life.

I'm burning the maps that lead to the routes of escape.

I'm running with all that is inside of me towards the One whom my heart and soul loves.

I'm diving into all that He has planned for me. I'm going all in. 

Numbers 14:24 "But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it."

The rest of the Israelites missed out on the promised land and had to wait 40 years until the generation died off to inherit that land, but God promised to Caleb that he would surely see the promised land. 

Let's be people that follow the Lord with the different spirit, ones that follow Him wholeheartedly into what He has laid out before us. 

There is no higher calling or honor than living out the plans and purposed that God calls us into. 

Be still and know that He is God. Rest in Him. Simply sit in His presence and just be. 

Learn with me, once again, the art of being still and just loving the Lord. 

Its not about doing, its about being.  

Be.