it was for FREEDOM.

Here's somewhat of a dream, or reflection on a season I went through that ended nearly 3 years ago:

I was dying. In the deepest pit I had ever encountered. The nearest speck of light seemed a million miles away. The demons surrounding me pull on my chains, I fall to the ground; again, again, it never ends. They whisper lies in my ears and I believe them. "You're worthless." "You're ugly." "You're fat." "Don't you dare eat that!" "Cut. You deserve to feel pain." "Death. End it all. You can escape." The lies never stop. They torment me day and night. I am surrounded by darkness. Under a cloud of evil that seeks to destroy. The enemy of my soul is trying to kill me.

Then, suddenly, I fall to my knees. This time its not because I was chained down, no, its much different. In one moment, the darkness is gone. It is penetrated by the brightest light I've ever seen. It invades every crevis of my pit, of my entire being. I cry out in pain as I feel my heart being ripped from its place. I had my gaze set on death, head down in shame. All my eyes had known was darkness. I feel blinded as my eyes meet the light. I begin to see things. One by one, the demons run - shrieking with fear. They drop my chains, they are unable to drag me. The blood on my body has been wiped clean. I fall flat on my knees, face to the ground. I am afraid of the power I feel, for all I have known is fear. All of a sudden, I feel myself being pulled up. I was unable to keep myself on the ground, which is where I have been told I belong. I can't see anything , all I see is piercing light. I feel a force removing the knife from my hand, as hard as I cling to the blade, I cannot keep a hold on it. My instrument of torture falls to the ground.

My eyes were still gazing on the death I had become so well aquainted with. Then, a hand gently touches my face, it turns my head to the other direction. The hand belongs to Jesus. I lock eyes with His eyes of fire, I can't look away. I am captivated by the love, hope, and freedom found in His eyes; unlike anything I've ever seen. The love pierces my soul and sends shock through my bones. I have never seen anything more beautiful. He speaks to me, saying, "I love you. The past and the darkness do not define you. I do. You have been set free. You are free. Live free." I fall apart, weeping. My knees give way and I fall into the arms of my Redeemer. One look from His eyes broke the chains off of my soul. I can see the black chains falling to the ground. They aren't just split, they have been completely shattered. They crumble, turning to dust before my eyes. I was wearing rags. They were covered in blood, burnt holes and rips from my tormentors. When I look down to see my clothing, much to my surprise I am no longer wearing my rags. I am dressed in the most pure and beautiful of white garnments that I have ever seen. It was like a wedding dress. I feel beautiful, for the first time in my life I feel radiant beauty.

He, Jesus, takes me by the hand and lifts me back up. He wipes the tears from my eyes and collects them in a jar. He says to me, "I know all your tears. I have seen your pain and hear all of your cries. You were never alone. Rescue is here." My heart begins to pound, I feel a warmth, a fire burning inside of me. I feel something I have never experienced before. I don't know how to describe it othere than to say...pure, endless...Joy. My heart has been made alive. Where all I had known was death and heaviness, was now life, light and happiness. I am now alive. He opens His hand and I see the holes from the spikes that were driven through His beautiful hands. He takes my hand and runs my fingers over His holes in His hands, His side, His feet. "I bled and suffered and died so that you dont have to. I came back to life so that you could live and be free from the things that once held you captive," He says to me.

I feel His love invade my heart. A deeper love than I known or imagined could exist. I take His hand in mine and kiss it gently with my lips. He has my heart in His hands, I watch HIm as He washes it in His blood, take the broken pieces and make it whole. He then put it back in its place, making me whole. I am whole because He hold my heart, I am whole because He was broken. I am His, and He is mine. I am overcome with shame and fall to my knees, at His feet weeping. I say to HIm, "I dont deserve You. I dont deserve love. Why do You love me? I should be dead!" He lifts me back up, looks me in the eyes and says, "No. No guilt. No shame. No regrets. You have been made whole. Your stains have been erased. Your sin and your past have been nailed to the cross. You have been made new. Holy. I love you. I created you and you are not an accident. Don't question my love, it will never end or go away and thats all that you need to know."

He takes my hands and He begins to lead me in a dance. I am dancing with Jesus. He leads me, and I follow. I have been caught up into a deep and beautiful love story. We go up, He lifted me out of the pit I had been calling my home, and He set my feet on solid ground where I could not slip. No more darkness. No more fear. No more torment. I am surrounded by light. I have been set free. I am in the eternal embrace of my Lover, Jesus Christ. Forever my Hope, my Love. One look from His eyes broke the chains off of my soul. The enemy of my soul has been defeated. The battle has been won and I have been redeemed.