*I was hopeless and in the pit of destruction, but God helped my overcome.
*I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety, but God helped my overcome.
*I was bound by the chains of addiction, but God helped me overcome.
*I was infatuated with the opinions of the world and the need to please people, but God helped me overcome.
*I was insecure, but God helped me overcome.
*I was filled with anger, bitterness and hatred, but God helps me overcome.
*I was consumed with the ways of the world and in perpetual sin, but God helped me overcome.
*I had no one that I could trust, but God helped me overcome.
*I was empty and wanting purpose, but God helped me overcome.
*I was consumed with pain, but God helped me overcome.
*I was dependent on myself, but God helped me overcome.
This is my overcome story, what's yours?
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
because you are with me, I will not fear.
Today started out like any other day. I went to my school group early this morning. Drove home. Got home, hopped on Facebook and saw a post by one of the guys in my school.
"Hey guys, be careful driving to school today. There's a bunch of tornado warning."
I, being the overly cautious Colorado girl who has never seen or experienced something like this, went into research mode. I was checking every television station, weather website, and twitter message about what was going on.
I was in my bedroom on the top level of the house getting ready for school and keeping an eye on the weather. The rain got to be real bad. Then I heard the most horrifying sound I have ever heard in my entire life. The neighborhood siren. I grabbed my laptop and chucked it downstairs two levels into the basement.
I ran into the bathroom. Sat in the bathtub and called my mom, absolutely sobbing. I was home alone. Colorado girl. No idea what to do or how to respond. I started praying and speaking to the storm and telling it that it would not touch anywhere near my neighborhood.
I was talking to like five different people, trying to calm myself down and stay updated on the storms. One of my best friends prayed with me. My other best friend sympathized with me cause she was hiding in her closet feeling the same crap I was feeling. My leader at school was asking if I was okay and telling me everything was okay. My home sponsor was updating me on the storms. My brother was telling me there's nothing to fear.
I knew if I didn't do something, my fears would just escalate and grow bigger. So I sang the first song that came to my head.
"Because You're with me. Because You're with me, I will not fear. My hiding place. My safe refuge. My treasure, Lord, You are. My friend and King, anointed One, most Holy."
Over and over again. I turned the song on my laptop and it was on repeat for the entire hour and a half I was hiding in the basement. "Because You're with me. I WILL NOT FEAR."
Every fear I have ever had paled in comparison to the fear I was feeling in those moments. I have NEVER in my entire life experienced that level of fear. I can legitimately say that I have never been so afraid in my entire life.
I held onto my God. His promise. He promised me "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and very courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9) Why was I so afraid? I'm not afraid to die. I get to be in Jesus' arms. I can't describe to you the fear I felt, but I also can't describe to you the peace and confidence I had in my God as I began to speak out His Words.
Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation— so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?"
Psalm 27:3 "Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident."
Psalm 91:1-2 "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart"
Psalm 91:9-12 "If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone"
My flesh and mind were screaming fear into my heart. My Spirit remained confident in the promises of my God.
My Daddy promised to protect me. My Daddy said He would keep me safe in His arms.
Because You are with me, I will not fear.
I learned a totally new meaning of clinging to God for peace and comfort in the middle of the storm. He was the only thing that kept fear from absolutely paralyzing me.
I conquered my fear the other day. But this was different. This was physically and mentally paralyzing. Even right now as I recount what happened, I find myself being thrown back into that fear and unrest.
I learned that fear isn't okay kept to itself, because it will only breed more fear until you have a whole litter of little fear puppies barking in your head and keeping all the other voices at a distance.
I shared my fear with my two best friends, and my mom and was able to receive encouragement and peace from them. If I hadn't told anybody, I would have drowned in my fear. It would have been ugly. But I neutered my fear and cut it off and told it that it had no place.
God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind.
Perfect love casts out all fear.
There is no fear in a fearless God.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
I am strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
Fear is false. And when it is faced with Truth, it must flee. Fear has no place and no hold unless you give it a foothold to take ground in your life. Don't let fear breed in your life. Cut it off. Neuter it so it can't make little fear puppies that will bark in your ear and silence out all other voices that need to have more weight and importance. Fear wants to paralyze you. Don't let it.
Because You are with me, I will not fear.
"Hey guys, be careful driving to school today. There's a bunch of tornado warning."
I, being the overly cautious Colorado girl who has never seen or experienced something like this, went into research mode. I was checking every television station, weather website, and twitter message about what was going on.
I was in my bedroom on the top level of the house getting ready for school and keeping an eye on the weather. The rain got to be real bad. Then I heard the most horrifying sound I have ever heard in my entire life. The neighborhood siren. I grabbed my laptop and chucked it downstairs two levels into the basement.
I ran into the bathroom. Sat in the bathtub and called my mom, absolutely sobbing. I was home alone. Colorado girl. No idea what to do or how to respond. I started praying and speaking to the storm and telling it that it would not touch anywhere near my neighborhood.
I was talking to like five different people, trying to calm myself down and stay updated on the storms. One of my best friends prayed with me. My other best friend sympathized with me cause she was hiding in her closet feeling the same crap I was feeling. My leader at school was asking if I was okay and telling me everything was okay. My home sponsor was updating me on the storms. My brother was telling me there's nothing to fear.
I knew if I didn't do something, my fears would just escalate and grow bigger. So I sang the first song that came to my head.
"Because You're with me. Because You're with me, I will not fear. My hiding place. My safe refuge. My treasure, Lord, You are. My friend and King, anointed One, most Holy."
Over and over again. I turned the song on my laptop and it was on repeat for the entire hour and a half I was hiding in the basement. "Because You're with me. I WILL NOT FEAR."
Every fear I have ever had paled in comparison to the fear I was feeling in those moments. I have NEVER in my entire life experienced that level of fear. I can legitimately say that I have never been so afraid in my entire life.
I held onto my God. His promise. He promised me "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and very courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9) Why was I so afraid? I'm not afraid to die. I get to be in Jesus' arms. I can't describe to you the fear I felt, but I also can't describe to you the peace and confidence I had in my God as I began to speak out His Words.
Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation— so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?"
Psalm 27:3 "Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident."
Psalm 91:1-2 "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart"
Psalm 91:9-12 "If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone"
My flesh and mind were screaming fear into my heart. My Spirit remained confident in the promises of my God.
My Daddy promised to protect me. My Daddy said He would keep me safe in His arms.
Because You are with me, I will not fear.
I learned a totally new meaning of clinging to God for peace and comfort in the middle of the storm. He was the only thing that kept fear from absolutely paralyzing me.
I conquered my fear the other day. But this was different. This was physically and mentally paralyzing. Even right now as I recount what happened, I find myself being thrown back into that fear and unrest.
I learned that fear isn't okay kept to itself, because it will only breed more fear until you have a whole litter of little fear puppies barking in your head and keeping all the other voices at a distance.
I shared my fear with my two best friends, and my mom and was able to receive encouragement and peace from them. If I hadn't told anybody, I would have drowned in my fear. It would have been ugly. But I neutered my fear and cut it off and told it that it had no place.
God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind.
Perfect love casts out all fear.
There is no fear in a fearless God.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
I am strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
Fear is false. And when it is faced with Truth, it must flee. Fear has no place and no hold unless you give it a foothold to take ground in your life. Don't let fear breed in your life. Cut it off. Neuter it so it can't make little fear puppies that will bark in your ear and silence out all other voices that need to have more weight and importance. Fear wants to paralyze you. Don't let it.
Because You are with me, I will not fear.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
37 Lines.
Today at Highlands, Pastor Christ talked on Points of Passion. This is our church's annual way of sharing what our church does locally, nationally and internationally. Let me just say, I feel so honored to be in a church that does so much to reach the lost, the broken and the poor.
4.2 Billion people. Can you even begin to fathom how many that is? Can you wrap your mind around the mass of that number? If you take each person, place them toe to heel with each other in a line, that line, around the widest part of the earth at the equator, would wrap around the globe 37 times. 37. There are 4.2 billion lost people in our world today. 4.2. billion people that desperately need to hear the Gospel message. 4.2 billion people, that if the world ended right now, would spend their eternities in hell, completely separated from God. Can you feel the urgency? Do you feel the despair behind the number of lost souls?
Do you want to hear the cries of the lost? Do something. Close your eyes. Go back to the darkest, worst point in your life, in the deepest pit you have ever found yourself in. Perhaps it was when your parents got divorced. When that man violated you in unspeakable ways. When you were sitting on the floor with a razor blade in hand, slashing your arms. When you were kneeling in front of a toilet with a toothbrush shoved down your throat, emptying your body for the 1000th time, out of your obsessive fear of gaining weight. When you were abandoned, rejection and left alone. When your received beatings as a child. When you wanted to end it all.
Now imagine, in that moment, not knowing that there is a Savior. Not knowing that there was an escape apart from death. Not knowing there was freedom. Not knowing there was somebody who loved you and wanted to see you restored. Not knowing there was a God who sacrificed His Son so that you could be free. If you did not know the hope of Jesus.
Can you hear it? Can you hear the cries of the lost? The broken? The captive? I can. They're calling out.
"Help me!" "Save me!" "Does anybody hear me?" "Does anybody care?" "Where are you, God?" "Will this ever end?" "All I want is to die!" "Will you help me?" "Will you tell me there is hope?"
Let it wreck you. Let it capture your heart.
4.6 BILLION PEOPLE. Not just a number. PEOPLE. Individuals. They all have a name, they all have a face, they all have a story.
Will you let their story interrupt yours? This life is not about us. Its not about our comfortable, cushy, American dream lives. No, its about much much more. Its about what God's heart beats for. If 4.6 Billion doesn't make you cringe, make your heart hurt, there needs to be a serious change.
Let me give you some heart-wrenching facts:
~There are an estimated 163,000,000 orphans in our world today.
~1.2 million children are trafficked every year; this is in addition to the millions already held captive by trafficking.
~Every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation.
~The average victim of human trafficking is forced to have sex/is raped up to 40 times a day.
~Approximately 800,000 babies are aborted each year.
~ There are 27 million slaves in the world today.
~ Each year, 2 million women disappear from the planet, most of which become victims of human trafficking, and are never heard from again.
I believe that God weeps when He hears these numbers. God weeps when He sees His children suffering, living in captivity to things that His Son died to set them free from. He weeps when He sees injustice.
Will you pray a very dangerous prayer with me?
Break my heart for what breaks Yours. God, transplant Your heart into mine. Let me feel what You feel over the lost and injustice.
He will do it if you ask Him and mean it. Your heart will begin to weep when you see stories of girls being forced into human trafficking, orphans that are starving and dying from malnutrition, children that are being violated and beat by their relatives, babies being murdered and their destinies robbed from them, sick children and their mothers that have to walk through the suffering of their babies, the lost who think there is nothing more to life than drugs, sex and alcohol. Your heart will weep, and it will flow out in an abundance of tears from your eyes.
Ask Him to do it. I dare you.
Today in church I heard the voice of the Lord, commissioning me to something far greater than I can even begin to understand. Let me share with you what I feel He was saying.
"I'm calling you. Bringing you into a new season. Can you even begin to grasp the depth and the width of the number of lost and dying people there are? Think about it. You're called to rescue them. You're called to bring hope to them. You don't know what is inside of you. You don't know how fierce you are. There is something powerful, I placed a relentless spirit inside of you. You don't know the level of impact your life could have if you would only push every single one of your fears aside and begin to rely fully on me for your strength and ability. Remember? With me, ALL things are possible. I created you to reach the 4.6 Billion. I did not call just anybody. I'm not talking to the girl sitting next to you, I'm speaking to you. You are called, you are chosen, you were made to reach the multitudes. Your life mission is to bring as many people to heaven with you as you possibly can. I will release words and strategies from heaven that you will write and speak. "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to proclaim the captives be released, that the blind will see, the oppressed will go free, and the time of the Lord's favor has come." (Isaiah 61) You are anointed. You are called. You were born for such a time as this. No more fear, no more timidity. You are as bold as a lion. Its time to go into the darkness and recover what's been lost."
I want to challenge you with the same thing the Lord challenged me with today. Do you know how scary you are? There is something fierce inside of you. The righteous are as bold as lions. You are a threat to the kingdom of darkness. You are scary to the enemy and the darkness that wages for the souls of man. We are smack dab in the middle of a cosmic battle for eternity.
Are you ready to fight?
Please listen to this song, right now: http://youtu.be/tdiFvye6EQs
And watch this sermon, right now: http://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/37-lines-around#
Commission my soul with a fire uncontrollable for this great cause, to save the lost. Open my eyes to the reason I'm alive, oh Lord, I'm ready now, I'll follow You.
God is calling. Who will answer the call?
Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
4.2 Billion people. Can you even begin to fathom how many that is? Can you wrap your mind around the mass of that number? If you take each person, place them toe to heel with each other in a line, that line, around the widest part of the earth at the equator, would wrap around the globe 37 times. 37. There are 4.2 billion lost people in our world today. 4.2. billion people that desperately need to hear the Gospel message. 4.2 billion people, that if the world ended right now, would spend their eternities in hell, completely separated from God. Can you feel the urgency? Do you feel the despair behind the number of lost souls?
Do you want to hear the cries of the lost? Do something. Close your eyes. Go back to the darkest, worst point in your life, in the deepest pit you have ever found yourself in. Perhaps it was when your parents got divorced. When that man violated you in unspeakable ways. When you were sitting on the floor with a razor blade in hand, slashing your arms. When you were kneeling in front of a toilet with a toothbrush shoved down your throat, emptying your body for the 1000th time, out of your obsessive fear of gaining weight. When you were abandoned, rejection and left alone. When your received beatings as a child. When you wanted to end it all.
Now imagine, in that moment, not knowing that there is a Savior. Not knowing that there was an escape apart from death. Not knowing there was freedom. Not knowing there was somebody who loved you and wanted to see you restored. Not knowing there was a God who sacrificed His Son so that you could be free. If you did not know the hope of Jesus.
Can you hear it? Can you hear the cries of the lost? The broken? The captive? I can. They're calling out.
"Help me!" "Save me!" "Does anybody hear me?" "Does anybody care?" "Where are you, God?" "Will this ever end?" "All I want is to die!" "Will you help me?" "Will you tell me there is hope?"
Let it wreck you. Let it capture your heart.
4.6 BILLION PEOPLE. Not just a number. PEOPLE. Individuals. They all have a name, they all have a face, they all have a story.
Will you let their story interrupt yours? This life is not about us. Its not about our comfortable, cushy, American dream lives. No, its about much much more. Its about what God's heart beats for. If 4.6 Billion doesn't make you cringe, make your heart hurt, there needs to be a serious change.
Let me give you some heart-wrenching facts:
~There are an estimated 163,000,000 orphans in our world today.
~1.2 million children are trafficked every year; this is in addition to the millions already held captive by trafficking.
~Every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation.
~The average victim of human trafficking is forced to have sex/is raped up to 40 times a day.
~Approximately 800,000 babies are aborted each year.
~ There are 27 million slaves in the world today.
~ Each year, 2 million women disappear from the planet, most of which become victims of human trafficking, and are never heard from again.
I believe that God weeps when He hears these numbers. God weeps when He sees His children suffering, living in captivity to things that His Son died to set them free from. He weeps when He sees injustice.
Will you pray a very dangerous prayer with me?
Break my heart for what breaks Yours. God, transplant Your heart into mine. Let me feel what You feel over the lost and injustice.
He will do it if you ask Him and mean it. Your heart will begin to weep when you see stories of girls being forced into human trafficking, orphans that are starving and dying from malnutrition, children that are being violated and beat by their relatives, babies being murdered and their destinies robbed from them, sick children and their mothers that have to walk through the suffering of their babies, the lost who think there is nothing more to life than drugs, sex and alcohol. Your heart will weep, and it will flow out in an abundance of tears from your eyes.
Ask Him to do it. I dare you.
Today in church I heard the voice of the Lord, commissioning me to something far greater than I can even begin to understand. Let me share with you what I feel He was saying.
"I'm calling you. Bringing you into a new season. Can you even begin to grasp the depth and the width of the number of lost and dying people there are? Think about it. You're called to rescue them. You're called to bring hope to them. You don't know what is inside of you. You don't know how fierce you are. There is something powerful, I placed a relentless spirit inside of you. You don't know the level of impact your life could have if you would only push every single one of your fears aside and begin to rely fully on me for your strength and ability. Remember? With me, ALL things are possible. I created you to reach the 4.6 Billion. I did not call just anybody. I'm not talking to the girl sitting next to you, I'm speaking to you. You are called, you are chosen, you were made to reach the multitudes. Your life mission is to bring as many people to heaven with you as you possibly can. I will release words and strategies from heaven that you will write and speak. "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to proclaim the captives be released, that the blind will see, the oppressed will go free, and the time of the Lord's favor has come." (Isaiah 61) You are anointed. You are called. You were born for such a time as this. No more fear, no more timidity. You are as bold as a lion. Its time to go into the darkness and recover what's been lost."
I want to challenge you with the same thing the Lord challenged me with today. Do you know how scary you are? There is something fierce inside of you. The righteous are as bold as lions. You are a threat to the kingdom of darkness. You are scary to the enemy and the darkness that wages for the souls of man. We are smack dab in the middle of a cosmic battle for eternity.
Are you ready to fight?
Please listen to this song, right now: http://youtu.be/tdiFvye6EQs
And watch this sermon, right now: http://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/37-lines-around#
Commission my soul with a fire uncontrollable for this great cause, to save the lost. Open my eyes to the reason I'm alive, oh Lord, I'm ready now, I'll follow You.
God is calling. Who will answer the call?
Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
Saturday, November 12, 2011
"There is power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain."
My world got wrecked today.
Let's backtrack a little bit and I'll give some background information that could be important to explaining what took place today.
Exactly one year ago, I was sitting on the floor of a hotel bathroom in Dallas, sobbing my eyes out. I had a revelation that I had conformed myself so many times to what other people wanted me to be, that I no longer knew who I really was. For each person in my life, I was was a different person, I was who they wanted my to be, not who God made me to be.
Ever since then it has been a journey and a daily process finding out who I am in Christ.
Very shortly after starting Highlands College in August, I realized that I have lived most of my life based off of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not having anything to offer. Fear of completely missing the mark in God's plan for my life. Fear of being weak and vulnerable in front of others. One of the biggest things that has been revealed to me is the fact that in group settings, anything other than one on one meetings, I become so paralyzed with the fear of not having anything to offer or bring to the table, that what I have to say won't be significant or meaningful to anyone...so I keep my mouth shut. I know this is the enemy trying to keep me silent because he knows God is preparing me and going to give me a voice later on in the future.
I've lived in denial and tried to tell myself that I'm okay, when I'm not. I am broken and weak. My heart is covered in scars. So much crap has happened to me and I have walked through so many dark seasons in my short 21 years of life. The enemy has a target on my head. All of hell is against me and seeking to take me out.
Well. Today I had coffee with one of my leaders at my school, Brielle. I shared with her everything that God is speaking and revealing to me, all that He is walking me through and the things I most want to learn, grow in, and overcome this year. I shared with her my story, my fears and what God has been speaking to me about fear and all these different things. She rocked my world by sharing with me different life principles and life giving words from God. She sees potential in you, and draws it out. She asked me if I understood how powerful my story is to so many people and that I need to begin to ask God for opportunities to share my story to lend the hope and freedom Jesus gave me to others. She told me that when people compliment me and tell me things that I don't necessarily believe about myself, I need to start saying "Thank You", and not shrugging it off like its not true. She told me that she sees purpose and potential, gifts and talents, and an incredible future that God has planned out for me. She told me that I am unique and I have been given things from God that nobody else has, that I am a very special person with extraordinary potential, that I have been anointed and called. She encouraged me to remain teachable. She challenged me to begin walking out and practicing for the dreams God has given me, and told me that she will hold me accountable to not walking in fear, and to do what I know God has called me to but been too afraid to do. She told me that its okay to be weak and vulnerable in front of people, and that if I ever needed to be weak in front of someone she would be there.
I love the leaders God has positioned in my life. I love the challenge that standard of excellence that they hold me to. I love that they genuinely care and invest in my life, seeing things in me that I don't necessarily see and they pull those things out so they can produce fruit.
The second part of my day. If I can attempt to put it into words for you. Here goes.
On Monday night I went with a small group of girls from my school to help with a spa night for moms of chronically sick kids at the children's hospital...that's another story. Anyway. At this outreach I met a man named Sam. Instant spiritual God connection. He was encouraging me and speaking the most incredible words of life over me the whole night. I wasn't sure why, but I was drawn to him and wanted to talk to him. The only thing I could think of is maybe this is the father figure that I have been asking God to bring into my life for the past few years. Legitimately.
Well today I went to meet up with him at his salon to talk and clearly since God laid it on both of our hearts to have this conversation...God was bound to show up in a powerful way.
And I'm gonna be real right now, I've been sitting here staring at this screen for twenty minutes, trying to come up with how to express what happened and how God wrecked my heart. I have no words. I'm still in awe. My heart is just in an upward position, eyes locked in with Jesus and I just can't look away because I am so amazed at how incredible He is. So I'm gonna let the Holy Spirit write through me to explain what happened.
I began by sharing my story with him, and he shared his with mine (which was incredibly powerful). I love hearing people's stories of how God rescued them and captivated their heart for Himself.
He began to speak things about my heart and life that clearly God was speaking through him, cause everything he was saying was right on tap with the condition of my heart and my circumstances.
I'm gonna do something that isn't normal for me, that used to scare me, and I'm gonna be real, open, and vulnerable with you, dear reader, because I believe that if my story can impact or help even one person, it is worth sharing.
He told me that I have a beautiful heart and I love people a lot, which is seen through my eyes, smile, and the way I interact with people. That I give the most amazing hugs and through that he could feel my heart. But the thing is that I walk around with a guarded heart. I give people glimpses for maybe a few minutes, then shut the door again and don't let them anywhere except surface level conversation.
I have trust issues. I have been burned in the past far too many times. My daddy abandoned my family when I was seven years old. All of my friends, and I mean all, except maybe two, have walked out on me and decided I was no longer worth their love or attention. When I begin to have deep and meaningful relationships, without fail, the other person leaves. You can understand why I would have issues with trust. I hate letting people see my heart, only to have them leave me behind, bleeding and wounded from their words or lack of words.
I carry around guilt and shame. I carry my past around with me. I have baggage, and its heavy and ugly, but I have grown accustomed to carrying it around that I just believed that it was a part of me and I could never get rid of it. I beat myself up over past words, decisions, mistakes, thoughts, relationships, and things I left unspoken.
He noticed that I am quick to forgive and love others, full of grace and compassion...but I have issues extending the same love and forgiveness to myself. I love well, but only for others. I don't believe I am worthy of that love and forgiveness.
He handed me a small cross that said, "With God, ALL things are possible." Then asked me what I was holding in my hands. A cross. A promise. With God, ALL things are possible. He said, "Let me tell you what it doesn't say, 'With God, all things are possible, for everyone except Kasey. No. ALL things are possible.'"
Its okay to cry. Its okay to be weak. Its okay to mourn and feel. I don't allow myself to feel, even though I am capable to feel deeply. I hate feelings and emotions. I equate them with weakness. I have always associated weakness with being negative, but its a good thing in the Kingdom of God.
He said that I am afraid to look into the mirror for any longer that a few seconds, as I am afraid to see what is really there, and I don't like what I see when I look into that mirror. He leaned in close and locked eyes with me, and knew that I wanted someone to see who I really was, what was underneath all the camouflage and layers of wounds and bandages I have placed on my heart.
He told me that the little girl Kasey that was abandoned as a child was still inside of me, and I needed to help her see her pain and circumstances through the eyes of grown up Kasey, who has walked through life and seen the results of her wounds, and then to let God speak to her and offer His hand and heart as a Father.
He told me to put my arm out in front of me, and said that all that I have ever wanted and needed was that close, but I couldn't reach it because of the walls I have built up. The Father's love, being held, someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, someone to tell me how great I am, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, treasured, and loved. Someone to defend me and protect me. Its all right there, in reaching distance, but I still cannot get to it cause there are walls holding me back.
He told me that just because my daddy let me down does not mean that every man in my life will let me down. God will bring along the right one someday. Its okay to trust people. Its okay to trust men.
He shared how he sees great love, potential, and purpose in me and all the walls need to come down and all this junk needed to come off of me in order for me to live out my calling.
I shared about how I had come to the realization that I have lived under the oppression of fear for so long, that it has been a driving force in my life. Fear has paralyzed me. Fear has held me back from seizing God given opportunities.
Honestly, I have heard everything that he told me before. A hundred times. More. But it was always in a sermon, or a book. I have never had somebody, a spiritual authority or father figure, or just flat out anybody, sit down with me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I can have freedom from fear. That I don't have to carry around guilt and shame. That I am worthy of being loved and loving myself the way I love others. That its okay to trust. Its okay to be weak.
That the same healing, love, freedom, joy, and grace that I so firmly believe is for others and that I pray for others to receive all the time...its for me too. I don't know if you understand how huge that is for me. I have freely given, prayed for others for these things, and believed with my whole heart that God works those things out for them. But I have never believed for or asked for those things for myself.
I have never asked God to heal my heart. I haven't with authority commanded my body to be healed. I haven't let the head knowledge sink into my heart that God loves me. Jesus loves me. God sent His Son...for me. I have asked God for forgiveness, but never felt worthy, never fully able to accept His forgiveness cause I always am asking, constantly bringing things back up that I've done, things that He has forgotten about already still haunt my mind.
Could anything I did be worse than killing Christians for a living? Paul, who wrote over 2/3 of the New Testament, before He was blinded on the road by Jesus and had his life transform, was a killer. God forgave him and used him to spread the Gospel throughout the whole world, and we still feel his impact today.
If God can use a killer, He can use broken me.
Then we prayed. Heaven met earth. I could feel God's healing power washing over me. His freedom being poured into my heart, mind, soul, every area of my life. My heart changed. As I cried, my tears hit the dry ground of my heart and watered areas that I had buried and left untouched for years. God poured out His peace on my mind, an area that has been under constant torment for my whole life.
I now am willing and ready to accept things that I was not willing to accept of do prior to this meeting.
I am willing to forgive myself and realize that part of the forgiveness God wants us to extend is to ourselves. I no longer look at my past, or even myself with shame or guilt. I have been made new, holy, I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.
I treasure my past and all of my suffering and trials that I have been through, they have shaped me into who I am today. They have built of strength and character. I look at what I have been through and I see the faithfulness of God to His promise of being with me wherever I go. "Never will I leave you or forsake you." Truth. He has never left, and in the times where He has felt distant, it was my heart that walked away from Him.
I am willing to love myself. To not neglect my own heart any longer. I don't care what people thing or say about me any longer. It doesn't matter. Frankly, I'm awesome. I've only ever said that out of sarcasm, but I really do love the person God has created me to be. And I don't say that out of pride, I just now know, understand and truly believe that God has made me exactly the way He wanted and God's creation is awesome.
He explained to me that the two opinions that matter are God's opinion of me, and my own opinion of myself. God is ultimately who I answer to and the One I live to love and serve. And my own opinion will shape how I live and see the world.
I have spoken death over myself for my whole life. I have said words like, "You're ugly. You're worthless. You're not good enough. You will never amount to anything. You will never be able to do what God has called you to do. You're not worthy of love. You're not worthy of forgiveness. You can't do it. You're fat. You're a disgrace to your family, and to God. Nobody really cares about you. You're alone." See the thing about words is that they have the power to bring life or kill, and I was killing myself through my words. And if you say something for long enough, you begin to believe it. I believed every lie that was ever spoken over me, and every word that I have ever spoken over myself. I now understand the power of my words and I will no speak death over myself.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am beautiful. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am perfect and flawless in His sight. I have been made new. My past and my dirt do not define me. I have been washed in the Blood of Jesus. I have been given a purpose and a calling to do great and mighty things. I am pure. I am holy. I am an heir with God and a co-heir with Jesus. I am more than a conqueror. I am fierce. I am scary to the kingdom of darkness. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am made in the image and likeness of God. I reflect God's heart and love to the world. I am captivating. I am able, and when I am unable, God is able to do all things in and through me. LIFE. No more death.
I am free. I don't have to live in fear. Fear does not have any hold on my life, and it never will again. No matter what attack I come under, and I know they will never stop because satan will do everything in his power to take me out. But the good news is that I have the authority and he doesn't. I can tell him to leave in Jesus Name and he must flee. I can speak with all authority under Heaven and earth that has been given to me by God.
I am not afraid. I will live fearless. And if fear comes along and tries to keep me from God's plans and promises, I will rebuke it and if I must, I will do it afraid. Fear has no hold over me.
Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But, take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Trouble is a promise. But our victory is a promise as well. We as believers fight from victory, not to victory.
After we got done praying, he took his "iCAN" bracelet off and placed it on my wrist. (I can't even tell you how much this thing means to me now. This day was a breaking point and catalyst in my life and this is an everyday reminder of what God did.) iCan do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. ALL things. There is nothing that is too much for me to handle, with Jesus on my side. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:28) Strength the conquer anything. I CAN. I will no longer speak words of defeat, no, because I can. God can. God lives inside of me.
With God, ALL things are possible. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. Not some things, not a few things, ALL things.
God wrecked my world. Everything has changed. Everything.
I had this beautiful moment after I left. I went into my car and all I could do was sit there in amazement at how powerful my God is, and how much He loves and believes in me. I turned on my iPod and "Here in Your Presence" popped on.
"Found in Your hands, fullness of joy. Every fear, suddenly wiped away. Here in Your presence." Precisely what had just happened. I entered into the most Holy place, and every single fear I had once given power over me was wiped away.
I realized that I was carrying around chains, but because I have Jesus inside of me, those chains were already broken long ago. I had been carrying around broken chains. BROKEN CHAINS. They became broken the moment I surrendered my heart to Jesus. I didn't have to carry them around. But strongholds had been built up in my mind, and I completely believed that they had power over me and that I could never get rid of them. They were broken chains. I was finally able to just throw them on the ground and be done with them. Chains that have fully intact shackles may have power, but I was carrying around broken chains that only have power if you give it to them. In the Name of Jesus, every chain is broken. Throw them down and be free.
Jesus is the seed of hope. I now have hope where there once was shame, guilt, fear, condemnation, distrust, and insecurity. I have courage.
God has given me Joshua 1:9 as one of my life verses, and no wonder, the very thing that God has spoken over me (courage), the enemy tries to use as his strongest weapon against me (fear).
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
I will be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged. I know that the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.
I am ready to go tear it up. I am ready to go light up the world with the Love of Jesus. I am ready to share my story of what God has done in my life and see others brought into the same freedom and hope. I am ready to go and fulfill that which God had in mind when He created me before the foundations of the earth.
Here I am, Lord, send me.
Let's backtrack a little bit and I'll give some background information that could be important to explaining what took place today.
Exactly one year ago, I was sitting on the floor of a hotel bathroom in Dallas, sobbing my eyes out. I had a revelation that I had conformed myself so many times to what other people wanted me to be, that I no longer knew who I really was. For each person in my life, I was was a different person, I was who they wanted my to be, not who God made me to be.
Ever since then it has been a journey and a daily process finding out who I am in Christ.
Very shortly after starting Highlands College in August, I realized that I have lived most of my life based off of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not having anything to offer. Fear of completely missing the mark in God's plan for my life. Fear of being weak and vulnerable in front of others. One of the biggest things that has been revealed to me is the fact that in group settings, anything other than one on one meetings, I become so paralyzed with the fear of not having anything to offer or bring to the table, that what I have to say won't be significant or meaningful to anyone...so I keep my mouth shut. I know this is the enemy trying to keep me silent because he knows God is preparing me and going to give me a voice later on in the future.
I've lived in denial and tried to tell myself that I'm okay, when I'm not. I am broken and weak. My heart is covered in scars. So much crap has happened to me and I have walked through so many dark seasons in my short 21 years of life. The enemy has a target on my head. All of hell is against me and seeking to take me out.
Well. Today I had coffee with one of my leaders at my school, Brielle. I shared with her everything that God is speaking and revealing to me, all that He is walking me through and the things I most want to learn, grow in, and overcome this year. I shared with her my story, my fears and what God has been speaking to me about fear and all these different things. She rocked my world by sharing with me different life principles and life giving words from God. She sees potential in you, and draws it out. She asked me if I understood how powerful my story is to so many people and that I need to begin to ask God for opportunities to share my story to lend the hope and freedom Jesus gave me to others. She told me that when people compliment me and tell me things that I don't necessarily believe about myself, I need to start saying "Thank You", and not shrugging it off like its not true. She told me that she sees purpose and potential, gifts and talents, and an incredible future that God has planned out for me. She told me that I am unique and I have been given things from God that nobody else has, that I am a very special person with extraordinary potential, that I have been anointed and called. She encouraged me to remain teachable. She challenged me to begin walking out and practicing for the dreams God has given me, and told me that she will hold me accountable to not walking in fear, and to do what I know God has called me to but been too afraid to do. She told me that its okay to be weak and vulnerable in front of people, and that if I ever needed to be weak in front of someone she would be there.
I love the leaders God has positioned in my life. I love the challenge that standard of excellence that they hold me to. I love that they genuinely care and invest in my life, seeing things in me that I don't necessarily see and they pull those things out so they can produce fruit.
The second part of my day. If I can attempt to put it into words for you. Here goes.
On Monday night I went with a small group of girls from my school to help with a spa night for moms of chronically sick kids at the children's hospital...that's another story. Anyway. At this outreach I met a man named Sam. Instant spiritual God connection. He was encouraging me and speaking the most incredible words of life over me the whole night. I wasn't sure why, but I was drawn to him and wanted to talk to him. The only thing I could think of is maybe this is the father figure that I have been asking God to bring into my life for the past few years. Legitimately.
Well today I went to meet up with him at his salon to talk and clearly since God laid it on both of our hearts to have this conversation...God was bound to show up in a powerful way.
And I'm gonna be real right now, I've been sitting here staring at this screen for twenty minutes, trying to come up with how to express what happened and how God wrecked my heart. I have no words. I'm still in awe. My heart is just in an upward position, eyes locked in with Jesus and I just can't look away because I am so amazed at how incredible He is. So I'm gonna let the Holy Spirit write through me to explain what happened.
I began by sharing my story with him, and he shared his with mine (which was incredibly powerful). I love hearing people's stories of how God rescued them and captivated their heart for Himself.
He began to speak things about my heart and life that clearly God was speaking through him, cause everything he was saying was right on tap with the condition of my heart and my circumstances.
I'm gonna do something that isn't normal for me, that used to scare me, and I'm gonna be real, open, and vulnerable with you, dear reader, because I believe that if my story can impact or help even one person, it is worth sharing.
He told me that I have a beautiful heart and I love people a lot, which is seen through my eyes, smile, and the way I interact with people. That I give the most amazing hugs and through that he could feel my heart. But the thing is that I walk around with a guarded heart. I give people glimpses for maybe a few minutes, then shut the door again and don't let them anywhere except surface level conversation.
I have trust issues. I have been burned in the past far too many times. My daddy abandoned my family when I was seven years old. All of my friends, and I mean all, except maybe two, have walked out on me and decided I was no longer worth their love or attention. When I begin to have deep and meaningful relationships, without fail, the other person leaves. You can understand why I would have issues with trust. I hate letting people see my heart, only to have them leave me behind, bleeding and wounded from their words or lack of words.
I carry around guilt and shame. I carry my past around with me. I have baggage, and its heavy and ugly, but I have grown accustomed to carrying it around that I just believed that it was a part of me and I could never get rid of it. I beat myself up over past words, decisions, mistakes, thoughts, relationships, and things I left unspoken.
He noticed that I am quick to forgive and love others, full of grace and compassion...but I have issues extending the same love and forgiveness to myself. I love well, but only for others. I don't believe I am worthy of that love and forgiveness.
He handed me a small cross that said, "With God, ALL things are possible." Then asked me what I was holding in my hands. A cross. A promise. With God, ALL things are possible. He said, "Let me tell you what it doesn't say, 'With God, all things are possible, for everyone except Kasey. No. ALL things are possible.'"
Its okay to cry. Its okay to be weak. Its okay to mourn and feel. I don't allow myself to feel, even though I am capable to feel deeply. I hate feelings and emotions. I equate them with weakness. I have always associated weakness with being negative, but its a good thing in the Kingdom of God.
He said that I am afraid to look into the mirror for any longer that a few seconds, as I am afraid to see what is really there, and I don't like what I see when I look into that mirror. He leaned in close and locked eyes with me, and knew that I wanted someone to see who I really was, what was underneath all the camouflage and layers of wounds and bandages I have placed on my heart.
He told me that the little girl Kasey that was abandoned as a child was still inside of me, and I needed to help her see her pain and circumstances through the eyes of grown up Kasey, who has walked through life and seen the results of her wounds, and then to let God speak to her and offer His hand and heart as a Father.
He told me to put my arm out in front of me, and said that all that I have ever wanted and needed was that close, but I couldn't reach it because of the walls I have built up. The Father's love, being held, someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, someone to tell me how great I am, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, treasured, and loved. Someone to defend me and protect me. Its all right there, in reaching distance, but I still cannot get to it cause there are walls holding me back.
He told me that just because my daddy let me down does not mean that every man in my life will let me down. God will bring along the right one someday. Its okay to trust people. Its okay to trust men.
He shared how he sees great love, potential, and purpose in me and all the walls need to come down and all this junk needed to come off of me in order for me to live out my calling.
I shared about how I had come to the realization that I have lived under the oppression of fear for so long, that it has been a driving force in my life. Fear has paralyzed me. Fear has held me back from seizing God given opportunities.
Honestly, I have heard everything that he told me before. A hundred times. More. But it was always in a sermon, or a book. I have never had somebody, a spiritual authority or father figure, or just flat out anybody, sit down with me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I can have freedom from fear. That I don't have to carry around guilt and shame. That I am worthy of being loved and loving myself the way I love others. That its okay to trust. Its okay to be weak.
That the same healing, love, freedom, joy, and grace that I so firmly believe is for others and that I pray for others to receive all the time...its for me too. I don't know if you understand how huge that is for me. I have freely given, prayed for others for these things, and believed with my whole heart that God works those things out for them. But I have never believed for or asked for those things for myself.
I have never asked God to heal my heart. I haven't with authority commanded my body to be healed. I haven't let the head knowledge sink into my heart that God loves me. Jesus loves me. God sent His Son...for me. I have asked God for forgiveness, but never felt worthy, never fully able to accept His forgiveness cause I always am asking, constantly bringing things back up that I've done, things that He has forgotten about already still haunt my mind.
Could anything I did be worse than killing Christians for a living? Paul, who wrote over 2/3 of the New Testament, before He was blinded on the road by Jesus and had his life transform, was a killer. God forgave him and used him to spread the Gospel throughout the whole world, and we still feel his impact today.
If God can use a killer, He can use broken me.
Then we prayed. Heaven met earth. I could feel God's healing power washing over me. His freedom being poured into my heart, mind, soul, every area of my life. My heart changed. As I cried, my tears hit the dry ground of my heart and watered areas that I had buried and left untouched for years. God poured out His peace on my mind, an area that has been under constant torment for my whole life.
I now am willing and ready to accept things that I was not willing to accept of do prior to this meeting.
I am willing to forgive myself and realize that part of the forgiveness God wants us to extend is to ourselves. I no longer look at my past, or even myself with shame or guilt. I have been made new, holy, I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.
I treasure my past and all of my suffering and trials that I have been through, they have shaped me into who I am today. They have built of strength and character. I look at what I have been through and I see the faithfulness of God to His promise of being with me wherever I go. "Never will I leave you or forsake you." Truth. He has never left, and in the times where He has felt distant, it was my heart that walked away from Him.
I am willing to love myself. To not neglect my own heart any longer. I don't care what people thing or say about me any longer. It doesn't matter. Frankly, I'm awesome. I've only ever said that out of sarcasm, but I really do love the person God has created me to be. And I don't say that out of pride, I just now know, understand and truly believe that God has made me exactly the way He wanted and God's creation is awesome.
He explained to me that the two opinions that matter are God's opinion of me, and my own opinion of myself. God is ultimately who I answer to and the One I live to love and serve. And my own opinion will shape how I live and see the world.
I have spoken death over myself for my whole life. I have said words like, "You're ugly. You're worthless. You're not good enough. You will never amount to anything. You will never be able to do what God has called you to do. You're not worthy of love. You're not worthy of forgiveness. You can't do it. You're fat. You're a disgrace to your family, and to God. Nobody really cares about you. You're alone." See the thing about words is that they have the power to bring life or kill, and I was killing myself through my words. And if you say something for long enough, you begin to believe it. I believed every lie that was ever spoken over me, and every word that I have ever spoken over myself. I now understand the power of my words and I will no speak death over myself.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am beautiful. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am perfect and flawless in His sight. I have been made new. My past and my dirt do not define me. I have been washed in the Blood of Jesus. I have been given a purpose and a calling to do great and mighty things. I am pure. I am holy. I am an heir with God and a co-heir with Jesus. I am more than a conqueror. I am fierce. I am scary to the kingdom of darkness. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am made in the image and likeness of God. I reflect God's heart and love to the world. I am captivating. I am able, and when I am unable, God is able to do all things in and through me. LIFE. No more death.
I am free. I don't have to live in fear. Fear does not have any hold on my life, and it never will again. No matter what attack I come under, and I know they will never stop because satan will do everything in his power to take me out. But the good news is that I have the authority and he doesn't. I can tell him to leave in Jesus Name and he must flee. I can speak with all authority under Heaven and earth that has been given to me by God.
I am not afraid. I will live fearless. And if fear comes along and tries to keep me from God's plans and promises, I will rebuke it and if I must, I will do it afraid. Fear has no hold over me.
Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But, take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Trouble is a promise. But our victory is a promise as well. We as believers fight from victory, not to victory.
After we got done praying, he took his "iCAN" bracelet off and placed it on my wrist. (I can't even tell you how much this thing means to me now. This day was a breaking point and catalyst in my life and this is an everyday reminder of what God did.) iCan do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. ALL things. There is nothing that is too much for me to handle, with Jesus on my side. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:28) Strength the conquer anything. I CAN. I will no longer speak words of defeat, no, because I can. God can. God lives inside of me.
With God, ALL things are possible. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. Not some things, not a few things, ALL things.
God wrecked my world. Everything has changed. Everything.
I had this beautiful moment after I left. I went into my car and all I could do was sit there in amazement at how powerful my God is, and how much He loves and believes in me. I turned on my iPod and "Here in Your Presence" popped on.
"Found in Your hands, fullness of joy. Every fear, suddenly wiped away. Here in Your presence." Precisely what had just happened. I entered into the most Holy place, and every single fear I had once given power over me was wiped away.
I realized that I was carrying around chains, but because I have Jesus inside of me, those chains were already broken long ago. I had been carrying around broken chains. BROKEN CHAINS. They became broken the moment I surrendered my heart to Jesus. I didn't have to carry them around. But strongholds had been built up in my mind, and I completely believed that they had power over me and that I could never get rid of them. They were broken chains. I was finally able to just throw them on the ground and be done with them. Chains that have fully intact shackles may have power, but I was carrying around broken chains that only have power if you give it to them. In the Name of Jesus, every chain is broken. Throw them down and be free.
Jesus is the seed of hope. I now have hope where there once was shame, guilt, fear, condemnation, distrust, and insecurity. I have courage.
God has given me Joshua 1:9 as one of my life verses, and no wonder, the very thing that God has spoken over me (courage), the enemy tries to use as his strongest weapon against me (fear).
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
I will be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged. I know that the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.
I am ready to go tear it up. I am ready to go light up the world with the Love of Jesus. I am ready to share my story of what God has done in my life and see others brought into the same freedom and hope. I am ready to go and fulfill that which God had in mind when He created me before the foundations of the earth.
Here I am, Lord, send me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)