taking off the mask.

My spiritual dad, Sam, authors a blog called The Seed of Hope. This past Tuesday, his post really resonated in my heart with what God has been teaching me as of late. The post was called "Fatherly Advice." It was God's fatherly advice to him.

He talked about how the Lord told him that he was perfect. Not that he was literally flawless, but that the way God created him and the way God sees him is PERFECT. This is what he says God spoke to him:

  

"When you were born, Sam, you were PERFECT. You came into this world exactly the way that I wanted you to be, because I don’t make mistakes. You looked exactly the way that I wanted you to look, and you had the heart and mind that I wanted you to have. You were perfect in every way.

And then the world and the enemy polluted your mind and robbed you of the perfectness that I created in you. You were still perfect in My eyes, but you lost sight of it in yours. You forgot. It’s time to remember who you are, how you were made, and to begin walking out the plans that I have for you" (www.theseedofhope.com)

How powerful. "Its time to remember who you are, how you were made, and to begin walking out the plans I have for you."

A few months ago, my roommate, Brooke, told me, "You haven't changed, Kasey, you've simply become who you really were all along." Who I really was all along was just buried under a lifetime of fear, doubts, guilt, shame, mistakes, and believing lies. I have become and am becoming the person that God originally had in mind when He created me.

I have come to the realization that I wear masks and keep walls around my heart and life so I won't get hurt.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, with the exception of my sister and her boyfriend, has seen my real personality. If you ask most people, they would say that I am quiet, reserved, shy and timid. Ha! That is not me at all. Its just the person I have been projecting out my whole life.

I started my hiding at 5 years old. I was an awesome 5 year old kid. Loud, crazy, and fun. Then I started school. And I stopped talking. My teacher thought I had some kind of speech impediment cause I never spoke. So began my hiding. My trying to please people and be what they wanted me to be.

I was talking to Sam tonight and telling him the realization that I've had and how nobody has seen my real personality. He says, "Not even me? Really??" Here's the thing about Sam. Someway, somehow, he knows me better than literally everyone else. He can read my mail like nobody's business. Its great. I love it. But there is really nothing I can hide. 

He says, "Girl, you can try to tell me that all you want, but you know its not true. I always knew you were hiding under a mask and the person you projected to be wasn't really you. I've always known you were crazy. I knew you were a freak and you have this crazy, weird, wild side inside you that you never let anyone see. Whenever I'd do something and you'd grin and shake your head, you were thinking, 'My God he's a freak...but I'm the same way, I just can't let anyone know that.' I know who you really are even though you have never let it out."

Seriously? Its ridiculous how well he knows me. Even things I've never told him, he knows.

I'm done hiding. I'm done not letting people see my true colors. There is no reason to hide behind a mask.

Romans 9:20 says, "But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’”

I'm not this shy, quiet, timid person that everyone thinks I am. I'm loud. I'm crazy. I'm fun. I can be really obnoxious. I do weird things. I dance around the house like nobody is watching. I sing opera in my car, no matter what song is playing. I make awesome animal noises. I have an awesome sense of humor and can be super quick and witty when I have someone to banter with. I always want to talk to somebody. I don't care who. I love talking with people and sharing my opinion and heart with them. I hate that the enemy has kept me silent for so long, no more. My sister's boyfriend got me hopped up on caffeine the other night, and honestly, that was the most "me" I have ever been. Its fun being me.

I am enough. Its good enough for me to be just me. Just Kasey. I can be me because God made me just the way He wanted, and He sees me as perfect.Who am I to deny what He created just to make people happy? I don't care what people think, I really don't. There's no reason to. If people don't want to be around me because of my fire for God or my crazy weird personality, I'm okay with that. I can finally say that I am secure in who I am.

I make the best monkey noise ever. And I'm not ashamed of it.

thirty days of writing. day one.

I've gotten really slack with my writing. This posting every month or two just isn't cutting it. So I'm challenging myself to 30 days of straight writing. This was inspired after reading my sweet friend Jordan's blog (justacupofjo.com). I'm not good at writing posts that aren't long and deep, so I'm going try try and write short, concise, and tell it like it is. What God is teaching me, what is happening in my days, what I'm learning, school, life, relationships, ups and downs, bad and good...its all fair game. No fluff. Day one:

My home sponsors came home today! They were in Florida for 5 days because my host dad, Sam, was speaking at a business meeting convention thing. They own a salon and invest in a company called Redkin..which by the way has awesome hair products. My hair has never been more shiny and healthy feeling. Ha! Anyway. It felt like they were gone for a long time. Its so nice to have my family back home, even though I only have three more weeks of living with them. Don't let me think about that though. I have random bursts of tears when I start thinking about leaving Alabama. The relationships I've built here are priceless and I am going to miss these people so much.

One thing we've been talking about a lot in our house recently is obedience. God, flat out, plain and simple...wants our obedience. When we obey and have a willing heart, that pleases Him. If we obey but do it with grumbling, complaining, a bad attitude and with resentment...well that's not really obedience, now is it? Its all about when we call around here the "Get To" mentality. We look at everything with an attitude that says, "I get to do this", and never say "I have to." When you have an attitude of getting to do things, it makes everything so much more enjoyable and it keeps it in perspective of...I'm doing this as unto the Lord, not unto men, so I get to do it with my whole heart and enjoy serving my King because it is an honor and a privilege to serve Him.

Cat got out of the bag today that I'm an Auburn fan. My home sponsors are Alabama fans. I learned for the next ten minutes of all the not so classy things Auburn fans have done around them after I explained that I observed that Auburn fans were more classy than Alabama fans...even though they're the exception to the rule. Perhaps I spoke too soon. Its okay, they still love me. Ha!

 I was telling Sam and Jackie about the issues I've had writing this research paper for New Testament. I'm writing about the value and liberation that Jesus brought to women. On Friday I accidentally stumbled upon the most horrific, evil pictures of women being abused out of Islam. I slammed my computer shut, sat there sobbing, and literally felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't touch my paper for the rest of the day. Now my paper is late, but I just couldn't bring myself to start writing after that. I didn't know how. Sam said that sometimes we see things that impact us, even disturb us...but if we didn't see it we'd remain in our comfortable bubbled life. Sometimes we're meant to see things that make us sick or uncomfortable, they impact us and keep the fire burning that drives us to live this life for Jesus. Its so true. We get so comfortable and so stagnant in life, while there is a world around us that is dying and desperate for the love of Jesus. Especially being in ministry school, sometimes its so easy to forget that the rest of the world doesn't have the life I have of being able to do life with people that love and believe in you, and being in the presence of God, EVERY SINGLE DAY. There are people that have never heard the Name of Jesus, have no clue who He is. And that wrecks me when I think about that. I can't imagine life without Jesus, yet there are so many who have never had the opportunity to feel His love and hope. I challenge you to get uncomfortable once in a while. Expand your worldview. Ask God to let you see things the way He sees them, to break your heart for what breaks His. Trust me. He will. And its completely worth it.

We talked today during family time about how hard Christianity is. It is the hardest thing. Its not easy. When you accept Jesus, life doesn't magically become all rainbows and puppy dogs and marshmallows. No. Its trials and hardships, its having a target on your head and a sign on your forehead that says "Attack Me." Jesus said, "Don't be surprised if the world hates you! It hated me first!" Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Every single second of it. The Bible says to consider it pure joy when you are persecuted for the cause of Christ. Its all joy. Forget happiness. Jesus brings joy that is everlasting and eternal, even in the hardest, most painful times of life.

If there are two values I've learned at Highlands that I'd like the rest of the world to understand, its this: Excellence in all we do. Honor.

 I graduate my first year of Highlands College in 11 days. How crazy is that? I'm not ready. At the same time, I'm beyond ready. I don't know what next year holds, but I say "Bring it on!"

That's all the thoughts I have for today. This next 30 days should be fun. I can't wait to see what crazy things my mind dreams up.

For His Reward.

you took me into the waters of your grace, cleaned me and kissed me on my face

My first year of Highlands College is quickly coming to an end. In 3 short weeks, I will be graduating, and in 4 weeks I will be back in Colorado. This is so weird.

I honestly cannot believe that this year is almost over.

It has been the hardest, most challenging, most exhilarating, incredible, God-consumed, beautiful year of my life.

I came here eight months ago with no idea what I was getting myself into.

I knew that my life would look different, but I didn't know it would take a complete, 180 degree turnaround.

I look back at the person I was before I came here, and that person is a stranger. I was so captive. Full of fear. Timidity held me back from doing anything I knew God had called me to do. I didn't know who I was. I had no sense of identity, or I knew in my mind what God said about me, but I sure didn't believe it. I had no purpose or meaning in living. I didn't know what God had purposed me to do. I was full of insecurity and self-doubt. I was bitter towards so many people and still had a lot of forgiveness in my heart. I doubted that I had what it takes to fulfill God's calling on my life. I was living day to day, full of apathy, comfortable, stuck in the rut of routine.

I resisted God for 6 years on moving here to be in Highlands College. I heard Him speak clearly to me my sophomore year of high school that I would be doing 24/7 one day, and I told him "You're crazy. No. No no no no, no no. Not happening. Come up with another plan." Well, 6 years later...here I am. And I have absolutely no doubt that this is exactly where God wants me. It is so clear and so evident, in every small little detail. Everyday is full of a new adventure. I find myself excited to wake up in the morning so I can go and do what God has planned out for me. Before I came here, I dreaded each day.

I got here at the end of August. It is now April.

From there to here, so many things have happened. So many adventures. So many challenges. So many difficult times. So many fun times. Lack of sleep. Incredible God encounters. Life-changing conversations with friends, pastors, leaders, mothers, fathers and students. Moments of facing my fears and coming out victorious. Moments of feeling alone. Countless times where I wanted to give up. Times where I was forced to do things I didn't want to do, and times where I did things I never thought I would be capable of doing. Times of great joy, and times of great sadness. Moments of leadership, moments of following. Learning how to be an effective leader. Learning how to submit to leadership and spiritual authority. Workouts that pushed me harder physically than I have ever been pushed. Not knowing where my next tank of gas would come from, but time after time, seeing God provide for every single one of my needs.

Learning how to be vulnerable, open and honest with people. Being forced outside of my comfort zone, all the time. Learning what it looks like to be a devoted follower of Jesus. Learning discipline. Learning how to serve with a servant's heart and attitude. Learning how to have a "get to" attitude, as opposed to a "have to" attitude. Learning how to see people for where they could be, not necessarily where they are. Never being alone. No dating. No alcohol. No sleep. Growing in the Lord and in spiritual maturity. Learning how to be served and let others serve me. Redefining my idea of what family looks like. Learning to love, and like the person I am, the way I am, the way God created me. Learning to leave the past in the past and look towards the future. Learning that it isn't about what I can or cannot do, but its about doing everything as unto the Lord and giving all of my heart at everything I do...and that's all that really matters.

Realizing that if I wanted "easy", I shouldn't have come to Highlands, which life is never easy and living for Jesus isn't easy, so why would I want any less? Learning what it means to rest in God. Learning what it means to walk in freedom. Learning that it is okay to believe for myself, not just other people. Going from confusion to clarity. Going from brokenness to being  made whole. Learning how to be bold and step out and do what God has told me to do, even if it means I have to put myself out in front of others and risk criticism. Learning that it doesn't matter what people say or think, cause my Daddy already approves of me. Realizing that I am not inferior to everyone else. Learning to use my voice and speak up, because I do have a lot to offer and God has given me revelation that other people need to hear.

My eyes have been opened to the fact that I put qualifiers, conditions and buts on everything. "But" needs to be erased from my vocabulary, and that is something I am working toward. I have always looked at the world through a pessimistic, negative lens, but I am learning how to see the light and good in everything. My most recent revelation and lesson: Life isn't made in the easy moments, its made in the difficult moments. The times when you feel like you can't take another step. when you have no strength left. when you're in so much pain you feel like collapsing. Its made in the moments where you want to give up, but keep going because life with Jesus is all about finishing strong. If we don't finish strong, we sell ourselves short. Jesus finished strong, He was loyal to us and remains loyal to us...no matter what we have done or will ever do. The same needs to be true of us, we must finish strong and emulate the example that our Lord set for us. Testing, hardships, trials, and moments of pressure reveal our character and who we really are. Life is made in the difficult times.

I learned that there is no such thing as a secret and the secrets in our lives need to be exposed to the light, or we are in danger. I confessed a secret that I have held onto and that has held me captive for the past 6 years to my best friend and one of my spiritual authority...and God set me free. There is forgiveness in confessing your sins to God, but there is freedom and healing in confessing your sins to one another, and I found the truth in that. It is in the Bible for a reason. I learned through fasting times and workouts the importance and reality of dying to your flesh and living by the Spirit. "I beat my body and make it my slave" takes on a whole new meaning after this year.

I got to spend a week in Atlanta ministering to the "least of these" in our own country. I got to talk to homeless men and women, give roses to prostitutes and tell them they're loved and beautiful, pray for healing with people on the streets, pick up tons of trash and clean up the city. I met a woman, who I won't name for privacy reasons...who was rescued off of the streets and is now in ministry school. As she told me her story, she told me how she came to Atlanta because she was a stripper and that's where the clubs were. It turned into drugs, stripping, and prostitution...for 25 years. She asked if I had heard about Princess Night, which is the Atlanta Dream Center's prostitute ministry..and then said, "I was the first princess." She told me how the God she had rejected came to her and she encountered His love and could no longer resist. She was rescued. She now believes she is worthy, beautiful, and a princess daughter of the Most High God...if she can believe that, what is stopping me from believing it? She inspired me. 

 I got to do life with extraordinary people. I have never been around pastors and leaders that love and believe in me so much and want to see me succeed and do what God has made me to do. I have learned so much from them. Pastor Chris. Pastor Mark. Pastor Keith. Brielle Hoffman. Momma Larson. Miss Gina. Pastor Allen. Heidi Spicer. Tracie Snipes. Bronson Moore. My second years: Caroline Johnson, my sweet D-group leader. I love this girl so much. She is one of the most real people I know and I respect her so much. Sarah Parvin, my track leader. She is an incredible leader and she is going to change the world. My peers: Liz, my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. Your love for God and passion for others drive me and make me want to be better. Chelsea. My little red-headed flamer. Your passion and heart inspire me. I love you girls. We'll forever be the three musketeers, no matter if one of us is in India, the other somewhere in Latin America, and the other...well we'll see where you go, you're gonna go far :) My heart will always be with you two girls.

I have gotten to live with some of the most incredible people I have ever known. I lived my first 7 months here with a precious woman named Benita, her daughters, Hedy and Meghan, and her best friend, Amelia. It learned so much being with these beautiful women of God. I saw incredible strength, grace, hope, endurance, forgiveness, and perseverance. They went through so much in my time with them, and ended up losing their house because of an ex husband who decided he didn't care enough to continue making house payments. Miss Benita stayed so strong and still brought forth so much joy. They were way too good to me and did so much for me. I love them dearly and consider them family.

God gave me the spiritual dad that I have always wanted and asked Him for my whole life. He brought me all the way to Birmingham, Alabama to give me the most amazing spiritual dad I could ever ask for. Honestly. He is extraordinary. Him and his wife have changed my life probably more than anyone I have been doing life here with the past 8 months. He has so much wisdom and God speaks through Him all the time. He reads my mail like nobody else can...its seriously like God speaks directly to me through him. Every time. Without fail. He says "You do this... " or, "You're this way..." and every time, "Yep. That's me."

I met Sam and Jackie in October at an outreach they put on with their salon at Children's Hospital. He told me that when we met that night he felt that I was so incredibly anointed, yet so confused and broken...that he felt my heart. I wasn't sure what to think of him then, but my goodness has God used him in incredible ways since then. I have had the incredible honor and privilege of living with Sam and Jackie for the last 7 weeks of my first year in HC. Miss Jackie has changed my life in so many ways as well. She is like another mom to me now. She has incredible wisdom and insight to share. She believes in me and encourages me all the time, they both do. She points me to Jesus and helps me to see what God sees in me and what others see in me, when I can't see it myself and am blinded by insecurities. I learn new lessons everyday living in their home. I treasure each conversation, prayer, and nugget of wisdom they have given me. I've come even more out of my shell since I moved in with them. I'm more confident, express myself more, don't talk in such a quiet voice, and just believe in myself more. Sam says its his job to teach his students how to fend for themselves...and you kind of have to living with them, cause they are absolutely crazy. Ha!

I have watched God do miracles. I have seen a little girl healed of cancer. I am watching God slowly restore mine and my brother's relationship. It has been baby steps, but God is moving, I can feel it and I can see it. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and done things that I wouldn't have ever even considered doing before I got here. I stepped off of a 125 foot cliff. I climbed a 50 foot rock. I preached at a local high school to roughly 150 students. I ran a 13.1 mile half-marathon. I got to lead a small group of ladies. I get to be in a video for iCan bracelets and share my story of overcoming fear. I wrote down a message God gave me that I'm going to be speaking in a chapel service next semester...when there's gonna be a whole stinking lot more new people coming in. And I couldn't be more excited. I get to write devotionals for Switch, one of the most successful youth ministries in the nation. I have had the most incredible adventures since I've been here. My world has been rocked.

I could write a book with all of the things I have learned and experienced, just this year alone. A lot of my stories will end up in my books one day, I'm sure!

I graduate my first year in two weeks and I am so excited for what the future holds. I'm so happy that God has been getting this inferiority, unworthiness crap out of my before I start my second year and am placed in more positions of influence and leadership. I honestly don't know how God is going to top this year, but I know He's going to do incredible things and its only going to get more incredible.
 More change. More stretching. More breaking. More growing. More tears. More lessons. More challenges. More hardships. More trusting. More molding and shaping. More forging and purifying.

My roommate, Brooke, told me awhile back that I haven't changed...I've simply discovered and become who I really was and what God created me to be. I've been this person all along, this person was just buried under a lifetime of fear, rejection, hurt, and insecurities. I've discovered who I am and each day I am becoming more and more of the woman that God created me to be. Every flaw included. Jackie tells me all the time..."You have no reason to be insecure about anything. You have everything going for you. I think you're just awesome." It means so much to me when she says that.

The adventure is only beginning.

A new chapter is about to be written.

Time to surrender the pen and let God write the rest of my story. 

"To be rational and use reality to explain why you're sad is logical, but instead choose insanity and be happy because of a speck of glitter sat in the middle of the room, reflecting light into your eye." -Luke Puryear

"There is power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain."

My world got wrecked today.

Let's backtrack a little bit and I'll give some background information that could be important to explaining what took place today.

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting on the floor of a hotel bathroom in Dallas, sobbing my eyes out. I had a revelation that I had conformed myself so many times to what other people wanted me to be, that I no longer knew who I really was. For each person in my life, I was was a different person, I was who they wanted my to be, not who God made me to be.

Ever since then it has been a journey and a daily process finding out who I am in Christ.

Very shortly after starting Highlands College in August, I realized that I have lived most of my life based off of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not having anything to offer. Fear of completely missing the mark in God's plan for my life. Fear of being weak and vulnerable in front of others. One of the biggest things that has been revealed to me is the fact that in group settings, anything other than one on one meetings, I become so paralyzed with the fear of not having anything to offer or bring to the table, that what I have to say won't be significant or meaningful to anyone...so I keep my mouth shut. I know this is the enemy trying to keep me silent because he knows God is preparing me and going to give me a voice later on in the future.

I've lived in denial and tried to tell myself that I'm okay, when I'm not. I am broken and weak. My heart is covered in scars. So much crap has happened to me and I have walked through so many dark seasons in my short 21 years of life. The enemy has a target on my head. All of hell is against me and seeking to take me out.

Well. Today I had coffee with one of my leaders at my school, Brielle. I shared with her everything that God is speaking and revealing to me, all that He is walking me through and the things I most want to learn, grow in, and overcome this year. I shared with her my story, my fears and what God has been speaking to me about fear and all these different things. She rocked my world by sharing with me different life principles and life giving words from God. She sees potential in you, and draws it out. She asked me if I understood how powerful my story is to so many people and that I need to begin to ask God for opportunities to share my story to lend the hope and freedom Jesus gave me to others. She told me that when people compliment me and tell me things that I don't necessarily believe about myself, I need to start saying "Thank You", and not shrugging it off like its not true. She told me that she sees purpose and potential, gifts and talents, and an incredible future that God has planned out for me. She told me that I am unique and I have been given things from God that nobody else has, that I am a very special person with extraordinary potential, that I have been anointed and called. She encouraged me to remain teachable. She challenged me to begin walking out and practicing for the dreams God has given me, and told me that she will hold me accountable to not walking in fear, and to do what I know God has called me to but been too afraid to do. She told me that its okay to be weak and vulnerable in front of people, and that if I ever needed to be weak in front of someone she would be there.

I love the leaders God has positioned in my life. I love the challenge that standard of excellence that they hold me to. I love that they genuinely care and invest in my life, seeing things in me that I don't necessarily see and they pull those things out so they can produce fruit.

The second part of my day. If I can attempt to put it into words for you. Here goes.

On Monday night I went with a small group of girls from my school to help with a spa night for moms of chronically sick kids at the children's hospital...that's another story. Anyway. At this outreach I met a man named Sam. Instant spiritual God connection. He was encouraging me and speaking the most incredible words of life over me the whole night. I wasn't sure why, but I was drawn to him and wanted to talk to him. The only thing I could think of is maybe this is the father figure that I have been asking God to bring into my life for the past few years. Legitimately.

Well today I went to meet up with him at his salon to talk and clearly since God laid it on both of our hearts to have this conversation...God was bound to show up in a powerful way.

And I'm gonna be real right now, I've been sitting here staring at this screen for twenty minutes, trying to come up with how to express what happened and how God wrecked my heart. I have no words. I'm still in awe. My heart is just in an upward position, eyes locked in with Jesus and I just can't look away because I am so amazed at how incredible He is. So I'm gonna let the Holy Spirit write through me to explain what happened.

I began by sharing my story with him, and he shared his with mine (which was incredibly powerful). I love hearing people's stories of how God rescued them and captivated their heart for Himself.

He began to speak things about my heart and life that clearly God was speaking through him, cause everything he was saying was right on tap with the condition of my heart and my circumstances.

I'm gonna do something that isn't normal for me, that used to scare me, and I'm gonna be real, open, and vulnerable with you, dear reader, because I believe that if my story can impact or help even one person, it is worth sharing.

He told me that I have a beautiful heart and I love people a lot, which is seen through my eyes, smile, and the way I interact with people. That I give the most amazing hugs and through that he could feel my heart. But the thing is that I walk around with a guarded heart. I give people glimpses for maybe a few minutes, then shut the door again and don't let them anywhere except surface level conversation.

I have trust issues. I have been burned in the past far too many times. My daddy abandoned my family when I was seven years old. All of my friends, and I mean all, except maybe two, have walked out on me and decided I was no longer worth their love or attention. When I begin to have deep and meaningful relationships, without fail, the other person leaves. You can understand why I would have issues with trust. I hate letting people see my heart, only to have them leave me behind, bleeding and wounded from their words or lack of words.

I carry around guilt and shame. I carry my past around with me. I have baggage, and its heavy and ugly, but I have grown accustomed to carrying it around that I just believed that it was a part of me and I could never get rid of it. I beat myself up over past words, decisions, mistakes, thoughts, relationships, and things I left unspoken.

He noticed that I am quick to forgive and love others, full of grace and compassion...but I have issues extending the same love and forgiveness to myself. I love well, but only for others. I don't believe I am worthy of that love and forgiveness.

He handed me a small cross that said, "With God, ALL things are possible." Then asked me what I was holding in my hands. A cross. A promise. With God, ALL things are possible. He said, "Let me tell you what it doesn't say, 'With God, all things are possible, for everyone except Kasey. No. ALL things are possible.'"

Its okay to cry. Its okay to be weak. Its okay to mourn and feel. I don't allow myself to feel, even though I am capable to feel deeply. I hate feelings and emotions. I equate them with weakness. I have always associated weakness with being negative, but its a good thing in the Kingdom of God.

He said that I am afraid to look into the mirror for any longer that a few seconds, as I am afraid to see what is really there, and I don't like what I see when I look into that mirror. He leaned in close and locked eyes with me, and knew that I wanted someone to see who I really was, what was underneath all the camouflage and layers of wounds and bandages I have placed on my heart.

He told me that the little girl Kasey that was abandoned as a child was still inside of me, and I needed to help her see her pain and circumstances through the eyes of grown up Kasey, who has walked through life and seen the results of her wounds, and then to let God speak to her and offer His hand and heart as a Father.

He told me to put my arm out in front of me, and said that all that I have ever wanted and needed was that close, but I couldn't reach it because of the walls I have built up. The Father's love, being held, someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, someone to tell me how great I am, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, treasured, and loved. Someone to defend me and protect me. Its all right there, in reaching distance, but I still cannot get to it cause there are walls holding me back.

He told me that just because my daddy let me down does not mean that every man in my life will let me down. God will bring along the right one someday. Its okay to trust people. Its okay to trust men.

He shared how he sees great love, potential, and purpose in me and all the walls need to come down and all this junk needed to come off of me in order for me to live out my calling.

I shared about how I had come to the realization that I have lived under the oppression of fear for so long, that it has been a driving force in my life. Fear has paralyzed me. Fear has held me back from seizing God given opportunities.

Honestly, I have heard everything that he told me before. A hundred times. More. But it was always in a sermon, or a book. I have never had somebody, a spiritual authority or father figure, or just flat out anybody, sit down with me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I can have freedom from fear. That I don't have to carry around guilt and shame. That I am worthy of being loved and loving myself the way I love others. That its okay to trust. Its okay to be weak.

That the same healing, love, freedom, joy, and grace that I so firmly believe is for others and that I pray for others to receive all the time...its for me too. I don't know if you understand how huge that is for me. I have freely given, prayed for others for these things, and believed with my whole heart that God works those things out for them. But I have never believed for or asked for those things for myself.

I have never asked God to heal my heart. I haven't with authority commanded my body to be healed. I haven't let the head knowledge sink into my heart that God loves me. Jesus loves me. God sent His Son...for me. I have asked God for forgiveness, but never felt worthy, never fully able to accept His forgiveness cause I always am asking, constantly bringing things back up that I've done, things that He has forgotten about already still haunt my mind.

Could anything I did be worse than killing Christians for a living? Paul, who wrote over 2/3 of the New Testament, before He was blinded on the road by Jesus and had his life transform, was a killer. God forgave him and used him to spread the Gospel throughout the whole world, and we still feel his impact today.

If God can use a killer, He can use broken me.

Then we prayed. Heaven met earth. I could feel God's healing power washing over me. His freedom being poured into my heart, mind, soul, every area of my life. My heart changed. As I cried, my tears hit the dry ground of my heart and watered areas that I had buried and left untouched for years. God poured out His peace on my mind, an area that has been under constant torment for my whole life.

I now am willing and ready to accept things that I was not willing to accept of do prior to this meeting.

I am willing to forgive myself and realize that part of the forgiveness God wants us to extend is to ourselves. I no longer look at my past, or even myself with shame or guilt. I have been made new, holy, I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.

I treasure my past and all of my suffering and trials that I have been through, they have shaped me into who I am today. They have built of strength and character. I look at what I have been through and I see the faithfulness of God to His promise of being with me wherever I go. "Never will I leave you or forsake you." Truth. He has never left, and in the times where He has felt distant, it was my heart that walked away from Him.

I am willing to love myself. To not neglect my own heart any longer. I don't care what people thing or say about me any longer. It doesn't matter. Frankly, I'm awesome. I've only ever said that out of sarcasm, but I really do love the person God has created me to be. And I don't say that out of pride, I just now know, understand and truly believe that God has made me exactly the way He wanted and God's creation is awesome.

He explained to me that the two opinions that matter are God's opinion of me, and my own opinion of myself. God is ultimately who I answer to and the One I live to love and serve. And my own opinion will shape how I live and see the world.

I have spoken death over myself for my whole life. I have said words like, "You're ugly. You're worthless. You're not good enough. You will never amount to anything. You will never be able to do what God has called you to do. You're not worthy of love. You're not worthy of forgiveness. You can't do it. You're fat. You're a disgrace to your family, and to God. Nobody really cares about you. You're alone." See the thing about words is that they have the power to bring life or kill, and I was killing myself through my words. And if you say something for long enough, you begin to believe it. I believed every lie that was ever spoken over me, and every word that I have ever spoken over myself. I now understand the power of my words and I will no speak death over myself.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am beautiful. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am perfect and flawless in His sight. I have been made new. My past and my dirt do not define me. I have been washed in the Blood of Jesus. I have been given a purpose and a calling to do great and mighty things. I am pure. I am holy. I am an heir with God and a co-heir with Jesus. I am more than a conqueror. I am fierce. I am scary to the kingdom of darkness. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am made in the image and likeness of God. I reflect God's heart and love to the world. I am captivating. I am able, and when I am unable, God is able to do all things in and through me. LIFE. No more death.

I am free. I don't have to live in fear. Fear does not have any hold on my life, and it never will again. No matter what attack I come under, and I know they will never stop because satan will do everything in his power to take me out. But the good news is that I have the authority and he doesn't. I can tell him to leave in Jesus Name and he must flee. I can speak with all authority under Heaven and earth that has been given to me by God.

I am not afraid. I will live fearless. And if fear comes along and tries to keep me from God's plans and promises, I will rebuke it and if I must, I will do it afraid. Fear has no hold over me.

Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But, take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Trouble is a promise. But our victory is a promise as well. We as believers fight from victory, not to victory.

After we got done praying, he took his "iCAN" bracelet off and placed it on my wrist. (I can't even tell you how much this thing means to me now. This day was a breaking point and catalyst in my life and this is an everyday reminder of what God did.) iCan do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. ALL things. There is nothing that is too much for me to handle, with Jesus on my side. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:28) Strength the conquer anything. I CAN. I will no longer speak words of defeat, no, because I can. God can. God lives inside of me.

With God, ALL things are possible. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. Not some things, not a few things, ALL things.

God wrecked my world. Everything has changed. Everything.

I had this beautiful moment after I left. I went into my car and all I could do was sit there in amazement at how powerful my God is, and how much He loves and believes in me. I turned on my iPod and "Here in Your Presence" popped on.

"Found in Your hands, fullness of joy. Every fear, suddenly wiped away. Here in Your presence." Precisely what had just happened. I entered into the most Holy place, and every single fear I had once given power over me was wiped away.

I realized that I was carrying around chains, but because I have Jesus inside of me, those chains were already broken long ago. I had been carrying around broken chains. BROKEN CHAINS. They became broken the moment I surrendered my heart to Jesus. I didn't have to carry them around. But strongholds had been built up in my mind, and I completely believed that they had power over me and that I could never get rid of them. They were broken chains. I was finally able to just throw them on the ground and be done with them. Chains that have fully intact shackles may have power, but I was carrying around broken chains that only have power if you give it to them. In the Name of Jesus, every chain is broken. Throw them down and be free.

Jesus is the seed of hope. I now have hope where there once was shame, guilt, fear, condemnation, distrust, and insecurity. I have courage.

God has given me Joshua 1:9 as one of my life verses, and no wonder, the very thing that God has spoken over me (courage), the enemy tries to use as his strongest weapon against me (fear).

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I will be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged. I know that the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.

I am ready to go tear it up. I am ready to go light up the world with the Love of Jesus. I am ready to share my story of what God has done in my life and see others brought into the same freedom and hope. I am ready to go and fulfill that which God had in mind when He created me before the foundations of the earth.

Here I am, Lord, send me.

breaking in vulnerability

Jesus can teach lessons through anything. I suppose that's why one of His names is the Great Teacher.

On Wednesday I was driving home from visiting my sister in Florida and all of a sudden felt pain like somebody stabbing a dagger into my abdomen. It hurt to sit. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to laugh. This continued the whole day until I got back into Birmingham. Then it start to hurt to breathe. I asked a few friends and my mom what I should do and the general consensus was to go to the hospital. I reluctantly called one of my friends and asked her to drive me. I am absolutely terrified of doctors and I am not too fond of hospitals either.

I told them what was going on and they seemed pretty concerned and I had to get a CT Scan. They came back and told me I had a cyst the size of a tennis ball on my ovary and I would have to stay overnight and be admitted to the women's ward in the hospital to get an ultrasound and possibly surgery the next day.

I realized in that moment that I am absolutely terrified of letting my walls down and allowing others to see my weaknesses and fears. I wanted to weep. I was so scared and overwhelmed with fear. But my friend Caroline was with me, so I had to do everything I could to not open the floodgates. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like letting others see me cry. I don't like being seen in weakness.

I live 1300 miles away from my family and all I wanted was for my mom and sisters to be with me, but that wasn't an option. I had my amazing Highlands College sisters with me almost the whole time, but I so badly wanted my mama and sisters. I had to constantly talk to Jesus and ask for strength, cause I was freaking out on the inside the whole time.

The next day I found out that it would be the best option to get surgery to get the cyst removed. I had mixed feelings about it, but mostly fear. I was glad to be getting rid of the source of the worst physical pain I've ever felt in my life, but I was overwhelmed with fear and nerves at the same time. Fear of being put to sleep, fear of being cut open, fear of not knowing what was going to happen to me, and fear of being naked and vulnerable in front of the doctors and several nurses.

When I was in the pre-op room, my friends and leaders from HC were with me offering courage and prayers. Caroline, Sandlyn, Brielle, Miss Mary and Momma Jane all came to support me and be there for me when I most needed them. I wasn't really talking or doing anything because I was so paralyzed with fear, I'm sure you could see the fear on my face and I was getting nervous red splotches on my neck and chest. Momma Jane started playing worship songs about healing and came over and sat on my bed and they all laid hands on me and prayed for me. At that point I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I gave in and was absolutely weeping. I was allowing others to see my weakness and that is a huge step for me.

I was sitting there vulnerable and naked (literally. but covered. ha!)...and emotionally allowing others into my place of weakness and fear when I didn't have the strength to hide my heart any longer. Allowing other women into the place I was so afraid of letting them see. I have lived my whole life out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of others seeing who I really am and what I really feel. It was in that moment of weakness and vulnerability that all of that broke over me. I decided that I would no longer live in fear. I decided that I would no longer hide who I am, but allow people in to see my true colors and let them into my heart. I would no longer hide under the layers of insecurity and trying to be something I'm not. I would allow others to enter into my world and allow myself to influence them with the heart God placed inside of me, and allow myself to be influenced by the hearts God has given them.

When I was sitting on that hospital bed, drugged up, exhausted and fearful...I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of people for the first time in a long time. It was my breaking point. I will not hide my emotions or my heart any longer. I will share my world and heart with others. I will no longer try to fight battles by myself or rely on my own strength, cause flat out, sometimes I don't have any strength to lean on. I will not put on a strong face anymore and pretend everything is okay when my heart is in turmoil.

After that moment, I was able to be taken away to surgery fully confident in the love of God for me, my HC family, and knowing that I was in God's hands and there was no reason to fear because everything would be perfectly fine.

Its quite absurd the different things that God can use to break us and teach us lessons to set us free from strongholds and mindsets that perhaps could have been lifelong. Right now I am learning how to rest and be served during recovery. But that's a whole other story!

Tribute to Luke.

I never thought I would have to walk through something like this.

On Monday, July 11, 2011, my best guy friend, Luke, was killed. He was pulling out of his driveway, dropped his gun on the floor of his car, reached to grab it and the gun accidentally fired, the bullet going through his hand, chest, then head. His car went through a number of fences and rolled several times. I found on the next day, on his Facebook.

My heart sunk.

How could that possibly be? How could he be gone, here on minute and gone the next?

It is still not real to me. I have wept and cried and tried to process things, but it still all seems so surreal. It hasn't fully hit me yet.

What makes it all the more worse, to me, is that he was coming to pick me up that night. We were going to spend time together. He said he was feeling alone, so I suggested we go hang out. If only we hadn't decided to go out, perhaps Luke would still be alive. I can't help but think of the "what ifs". I feel guilty, but I know he wouldn't want me to.

I want to share with you a little bit about this extraordinary young man I had the privilege of knowing for a short year.

Luke wasn't what society would call "normal". No, he marched to the beat of his own drum, and didn't care what people thought about him. He wasn't perfect, but he was incredibly real. Probably one of the most real people I have ever known. He was always open and honest, showing who He was in everything that he did.

Luke was selfless. He was always there to extend a helping hand to those in need, and he never expected anything in return. A true servant.

Luke was passionate. He was deeply in love with His Savior, Jesus Christ. He was passionate about sharing Jesus with others and seeing them come to know the Lord how he had. A few weeks ago he told me that one of his friends he had been talking to for a very long time about Jesus finally made the decision to ask Jesus to come into his life, and Luke was so excited.

He was passionate about justice. Luke and I were in the process of starting a human trafficking awareness group, called Empathy Strike, to educate people and do what we could to damage this horrendous form of darkness. He loved justice.

He was kind. He was empathetic. Compassionate. He was always a listening ear, and always cared about what others were going through.

Luke was funny. He had a wild and crazy sense of humor, and I remember all the times he made me laugh like few people could.

He called me "AK". One day he said, "Your name backwards is 'Yesak', so the only logical thing to call you is 'AK'...so he did. I'm going to miss that. The times I look at my phone and wish I could get a text from him 'AK. Poke.' But that won't happen.

He saw worth in people that no one else would see, recognize, or acknowledge. He was the first guy to see and show me my worth, without having alternative intentions. He built up mine and many others' confidence and self-value.

He proved to me that chivalry still exists. He opened doors. He helped me put my coat on in the winter. He paid for things when we hung out. A true gentleman.

There really are no words to do justice to how much of an extraordinary person Luke was. He was full of love.

But, Luke is no longer here. He is with Jesus. He is happy. He no longer has to suffer from the constant torment and attack the enemy was always throwing at him. He has entered into the joy of his salvation.

To be honest, I'm kind of jealous of him. He got to see Jesus first. He gets to behold the God of everything for the rest of eternity.

Luke, you will never know the impact you had on my life and on so many others. You were my brother. I love you. I will miss you. I cling tight to the hope that you are with our Lord and I will see you again one day.

There is a verse that I believe describes his life perfectly. It says,

Micah 6:8 (MSG) -- "But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously."

Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with your God.

Your memory will go on forever, dear friend. Give Jesus the biggest hug in the history for me. I'll see you on the other side.

Rude Awakening.

In a few previous posts, I wrote about a guy friend of mine whom I was convinced that I would marry one day. I have been in love with this guy for the past two years and just recently got the courage up to tell him. Well, I have been praying about this and asking God to give me a clear "yes" or "no" for quite some time now. This past week, He gave me an extraordinarily loud and clear "NO", that this is not the man that God has for me. Would you like to hear the story of how this came about? Well, listen up, I'll share a story with you.

About three weeks ago he was in Colorado for a weekend to pick me up to drive to Oklahoma, as I was going to visit him for a week. Well we were hanging out at his house one of the nights, watching movies, and then he kissed me. Immediately after he said "I've got to protect my and your hearts better than I've been doing. I'm not sure if I can be anything more than just a friend to you. If we are to proceed I want it to be so clearly lead by God that we can't ignore it." I was okay with that and agreed with him. Well, the entire 12 hours in the car, he barely talked to me at all. I spent the entire week by myself. Him and his family worked every single day, all day, until at least 7 or 9 p.m. They didn't leave me a key. There was barely any food in the apartment. So I had to hop the fence to get out of the apartment complex and walk to find food. The whole week he just made it incredibly awkward and weird. He barely talked to me, he didn't spend barely any time with me the whole week, and it felt like he was purposefully ignoring me. I wasn't shown any hospitality at all. I just did not feel welcome there at all, in fact, I felt quite unwanted. There are a few things that happened while I was there that I won't share, but they are upsetting.

I have been friends with this guy for nearly 4 years. I thought I knew him so well. I was wrong. All that I have ever known about him has been fake and a lie. I really discovered his true character during my stay in Oklahoma. I think that is what breaks my heart the most, is that I thought I knew him so well, when in reality I did not know him at all. Even had nothing happened between us, if you are a true friend, if you really love somebody and care about them, you do not, DO NOT, treat them that way. I loved that our relationship was based off of Christ and these amazing conversations about God and the Bible. Well, you can talk all you want, but talk is cheap, and ultimately it is about actions. Jesus said "You will know my disciples by their fruit." Talk is cheap if you aren't producing fruit. The Christian life ultimately comes down to two things: Love God. Love people. If you can't walk in love you aren't reflecting Christ.

He texted me and asked if I hated my time in Tulsa. I told the truth. I did hate my time I spent there. He basically made excuses for himself, denied responsibility, tried to push the blame off onto me, and did not apologize for anything that had happened the whole week. From that conversation I can see so clearly that he does not care about my heart, my emotions, or about me at all. He has and never had any intentions of protecting my heart, only made empty promises. The truth is, I don't even care if I stay friends with this person anymore.

I am looking at this as a lesson learned. I learned that he is not the man God has for me. I saw his true character. And I see that it could have been so much worse, that he could have done a lot more damage had he continued to play with my emotions and lie to me. I now know that God was protecting me and guarding me from being severely damaged. I am so thankful to my sweet Jesus for hiding me in His heart and keeping me from harm. Now I can move on and know that God has someone so so so so so so so much more incredible for me, down the road, in His timing.

Amiga del Alma :)

I want to introduce you to one of the most incredible people I know, Aly. She is my best friend, but she has grown to be so much more than that, she is my sister. Like we say in spanish, she is my 'amiga del alma'.

I met Aly about 3 and a half years ago, and she has had such an impact on my life. Over the years I have learned from her what it means to walk in constant communion, intimacy and love with Jesus. I have learned to hear the voice of God and turn to Him for all of my questions, needs and desires. She is a warrior, I cannot tell you how many times her prayers have gotten me through the dry and harsh seasons of life. God has connected our hearts and made us close as sisters. She is someone who you can always count on, faithful. She lives a life of purity, love, and strives for a life defined by holiness. She is the definition of beauty, and the beauty of God radiated from her smile, her life and all that she does and is. She is an extension of the love of God to everyone around her. Each time I see her, I am seeing Jesus inside of her. She is fun, and one of those people you just enjoy being around. I can sit with her in complete silence and nothing needs to be said. She is strong. She faces life with vigor, passion, and valor. Even in her low points, brokenness, and pain, she stays strong because she depends on God to give her strength.

Aly was and is an answer to my prayers. A month or so before I met Aly, I asked God to send me a friend who could be my sister. A month later I met Aly, and was so drawn to her spirit and the life inside of her. I just had to know her, so I asked if she would let me be in her small group. :) we spent countless hours talking and learning about God, praying for each other, studying the Word, and doing life together. She went from being my accountability leader, to my friend, and now my sister. I thank God for allowing me to be a part of her life, it is such a blessing.

Aly, I pray that your life be filled to overflowing with the love and blessings of our King. That your heart would be protected within His. That as you walk out this journey of life, you would encounter God more deeply and sweetly each day. That you would always keep the light you have and never let go of the hope you have found in Christ. That in your marriage, and when you become a mother that God would continue to use you to give life to this world and you would be covered with His blessing. Sisters forever, even when were on opposite sides of the world.

You are a diamond. I love you so much.

Sisters. Forever.

This is my sister, Mel. Not only is she my sister, she is one of my best friends. There are really no words to express how very much I love this beautiful woman. Even though there is the greatest age difference between us (about 16 years), I consider her to be the closest to me.

Allow me to tell you why she is so wonderful. Melanie is selfless. She cares more about other people than she does herself. She sacrifices her own comfort and desires to serve others. She is an incredible mother to five beautiful and extraordinary kids, and a faithful and pure wife to her husband. She is beautiful. The beauty of God radiates from her life. Everything she does and who she is is a reflection of the beauty of God. The love of Christ bursts from her life like a brilliant light. From her smile, her laugh, her words, her actions, the way she carries herself; the love of God is so present and visible. She can light up a room with her brilliant personality. She is a woman of wisdom. She loves the Word of God and digs deeper to get to know His heart even deeper than she already does. She lives a lifestyle of worship. Her life is a song to the King. She is funny, few people can make me laugh like Mel. I love to laugh with her, and even sometimes at her. ;) She is confident and knows who she is in Christ. She knows her worth and friends, that is incredible. She is a model of what it means to follow Christ. She is positive and upbeat. She hates negativity and complaining and no matter what her circumstances she is always looking at the bright side. She is pure and strives to live a life of holiness. She serves. She knows how to speak life to dead places. She has strong faith. She has a sweet, sweet spirit; but at the same time feisty.

She is my friend, but most importantly, she is my sister. Forever.

I love you Melanie.