never alone

"never will I leave you, and never will I forsake you."

these words have been echoing in my heart this past week as I approach the anniversary of my biological father abandoning my family for another woman.

March 29, 1997.

the day before my sister Breanna's birthday. we were at my sister Melanie's house. i remember walking into my nephew's room to find Breanna sitting on his bed, weeping. i pestered her and tried to find out what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. moments later, our mom arrived and i asked her what was wrong with Breanna. what she said is a blur, but i remember clear as day how i felt and what happened next. "your dad left." --- my little six year old heart dropped and i ran to my nephew's room and collapsed on the bed and sobbed like i had never sobbed before. i was a daddy's girl- as much as i could be with an emotionally absent father. and he was gone. he chose her over us.

that day. sitting on that bed. with a green and dark blue comforter with bears on it- i heard a lie. the first time the enemy said something to me. "you weren't good enough to make him stay, and you never will be good enough." // i've been fighting that lie my entire life and battled fear after fear, insecurity after insecurity, and doubt after doubt.

something that happened when i was six years old is still affecting me sixteen years later.

God did bring reconciliation 8 years later to our family. my dad apologized and asked for forgiveness and for awhile i had a dad back in my life. he died two months later. but that's another post for another time.

the point is -- i have never known what it is like to have a father. i didn't know what a healthy father was. i didn't understand the love of a father. i didn't know what a father/daughter relationship looked like. i remember nothing, literally nothing about my dad, except for the few moments we had together months before he passed away.

i say all that to say, i never was able to view God as the Father that He says He is. i didn't understand it. i didn't even want to understand it or try and get to know Him as my Father. my idea was that dads suck and why would i want God to be like a dad? He is so good- too good to be my Father. there's no way He is a Father when dads are so awful.

i got to know Him as Savior. Friend. King. Redeemer. Healer. Peace. Comforter. Joy. Lover. everything EXCEPT as a Father.

that was until about a year and a half ago when i met the man that God would use to show me the love of a father.

i went to an outreach at the children's hospital in Birmingham that my friend Brooke invited me to. she told me that her home sponsors owned a salon and they put on spa nights for moms of chronically and terminally ill kids and that i could come help if i wanted to. i jumped at that opportunity. there is a special place in my heart for sick kids and their families because of what my sister went through in her cancer journey when she was so young.

i got there and i met a man named Sam. the whole night he was encouraging me and speaking life into me.

it started out with when he was praying over the food they were serving. i was looking at the moms and they just looked so broken. so sad. so tired. i lost it. i started bawling. he came over and put his hands on my shoulders and asked me if i was okay. i lied. "yeah i'm great." he didn't believe me and i shared a little bit of my sister's story and why i was crying. he shared about how he could see my heart and the brokenness inside of me. he hugged me and we went on with the night.

at the end of the night i was saying goodbye to everyone and heading out to my car. well Sam gave me his card and told me to call him and that he wanted to sit down and talk with me and share his heart. he kissed me on the cheek, gave me a bear hug and i left.

i remember thinking. dreaming. wishing. asking God to make this man my spiritual father. i felt an instant "dad" connection with him that i had never felt before. at the same time i was having thoughts- which i now know were from the enemy cause he knew the potential that relationship had- thoughts like "what if he's just a creeper? its kind of weird that he wants to sit down and talk to me. maybe i shouldn't call him. he's kind of strange and overly friendly." okay. well truth be told- he is weird and very much friendly, but he is the furthest thing from a creeper.

so i called him a couple days later to let him know that i was very much wanting to take him up on his offer to hang out and talk. i had no idea what to expect, but the Lord put it on my heart to talk to him and i had to be obedient.

i went to the prayer room he has in their salon the next day and i can't even begin to explain to you what took place. we began to talk and share stories- and then, he started reading my mail and telling me things about myself that probably nobody knows. completely God talking through him. for the next two hours- something happened. i walked into that prayer room with so much baggage that it wouldn't even fit in the whole salon. over those two hours, chains were broken, walls were torn down, strongholds were broken- and freedom and hope were stirred and released.

after that, we met on a monthly basis just to talk and share hearts and God stories. he poured into me and ripped things out of my life that didn't need to be there. i ended up moving in with their family 8 weeks before the end of my second semester and that was the best thing that could have happened to me. i grew so much, was challenged daily, came out of my shell, and became a totally new person.

through all of this- Sam became my dad. not even just a "spiritual father". i see him as "dad". he (and his precious wife, Jackie) have changed my life in ways I cannot even begin to describe. through my relationship with them- my life has been turned upside down. i went from not knowing what a father was to having the perfect picture and example of what a father is.

because of Sam, i now can know God as a Father too. because I understand what a Father's love is. to be unconditionally loved and accepted. known. protected. treasured. heard. seen. God have me the best man in the world that he could possibly find to be my spiritual dad- and i am forever thankful. forever.

before God gave me my spiritual daddy, i thought about probably every single day that my dad was gone and how i had to grow up without one. now- it is a very rare occasion that i think about the fact that i don't have a dad. cause i do.

God sets the lonely in families. That verse doesn't lie.

God. our Father. is so faithful.

He is never leaving.

He gave me a spiritual dad here on earth and in turn, I get to know God as my Father too.

last year, i had a little boy in one of my nursery classes that i will probably carry with me forever.

i was serving in the four year old service- the Clubhouse.

there was a little boy sitting over in the rows of chairs while all the other kids were playing and interacting.

he sat alone. crying uncontrollably. i watched as a couple teachers tried to console him. he wasn't having it.

i waited a few minutes and walked over to him.

i kneeled down beside him put my hand on his shoulder.

"what's your name?" i asked him- he told me through gasps for air.

"what's wrong, sweet pea?"

"mommmmmy. i want mommmmy."

"typical"- i thought.

"she'll be back in a little bit. i promise." - i said, trying to comfort him.

we went back and forth several times about how he wanted his mommy and me saying it would be okay.

one more time.

"i want my daddy."

"okay buddy. where's your daddy?" - i asked.

"he's in jail."

a pound of bricks hit my heart.

this poor baby.

he's not just a typical four year old crying for his mom. he's genuinely scared and worried about her coming back. his dad was in prison. he's four. there's no way he could understand why his dad left one day and didn't come back for him. he was so scared that his mom wasn't going to come back- just like his daddy did.

i asked him more questions about his family and just listened to him.

i tried to comfort him as best i could by letting him know that his mommy was just in the other room and that she would be back very soon and that she loves him so very much and would never leave him and not come back for him.

i told him about Jesus and how much He loved him.

i told him the God is his daddy too and that God would never ever ever leave him and would be his best friend forever if he asked Him to be.

out of the blue- he stopped crying. "God loves me?" he asked.

"very, very much."

he didn't cry anymore after that.

i sat with him until church got out. he held my hand tightly and asked me not to leave him alone. i couldn't. i wouldn't. i fell in love with this precious boy and his already broken story at 4 years old broke me down. 

how many of us have stories like this little boy?

at some point in each one of our lives, somebody has probably hurt us. its inevitable. its part of relationships.

whether your dad left. a friend stabbed you in the back and betrayed you. your mom told you that you were an accident. your older brother wasn't there for you when you needed him to be. harsh and unkind words were spoken over you. whatever it may be- we all have wounds. all of us.

and so many times we sit there like that little boy, in a panic- thinking that because somebody left you or rejected you or hurt you that everyone is going to end up doing the same thing. and even deeper- we make the assumption that God is going to hurt us. to reject us. to leave us alone.

all the while, He is sitting next to you, asking you to tell Him why you are crying. placing His hand on your shoulders, trying to comfort you. and you keep bringing up the past.

"well- my dad left me- so I can't trust you. you're going to leave me too. you're here now, but who knows when you're gonna leave me to fend for myself."

as ridiculous as it sounds, its exactly what we do.

instead of sitting there with Him next to you, crying about the past and what people did to you- can we take a step of trust and fall into His embrace and allow His to heal us and speak to us?

hear Him say

"never. never. never. never will I leave you. and never will i forsake you."

"fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." 

"my father and my mother walked out on me, but God took me in" (MSG)

"to all who believed and accepted Him, He gave the right to be called children of God."

"have I not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be discouraged. do not be afraid. for I will be with you wherever you go."

instead of bringing up what he or she did to you. listen. look at Jesus in His eyes and hear Him tell you about how He came for you and He will never leave you. 

God is with us.

Always.

He is never leaving and He will never leave you alone.

Even when you walk away from Him, He is right there, chasing after your heart and ready to take you back with open arms.

stop crying and bringing up the past.

rest in the truth that He is here to stay.

He is the Father you may have never had but always wanted.

Let Him dry your tears and calm your soul.

never will He leave you. and never will He forsake you.

worth more than a razor blade

I lived the first 20 years of my life believing nothing but lies.

Fat.

Ugly.

Unworthy.

Never good enough.

Undesirable.

Unlovable.

Useless.

A mistake.

Every lie that the world and my enemy threw at me, I immediately believed and held onto them as if they were absolute truth.

One day, my hopelessness spilled into a razor blade.

I was sick of listening to lies, so out of desperation to escape them I began cutting myself.

I allowed my emotions to rule my life.

Cutting became my outlet for every single circumstance.

When I felt bad about myself. When I had a bad day. When somebody rejected me. When I was overwhelmed with the pain of life. When I got in fights with my mom. When I felt unworthy of the love that God was pouring out on me. When I needed to silence the voices in my head.

I kept a razor blade with me at all times. I was addicted. To me, it felt good and I “needed” to feel it. There was nothing that took away the pain like inflicting physical pain that would distract my mind from my heart's condition.

My life was in shambles.

Cutting. Bulimia. Depression. Broken relationships. Suicide.

I had no reason to live.

I thought I was doing myself good, but I was running further and further away from God each time I took out that blade. I refused to accept the love that God wanted to overwhelm me with.

On 9/28/2008 I wrote in my journal: “When are You going to give up on me? I've let You down so many times, why do You still care? I want to reach You, I just can't. Its easier to accept the guilt and shame than to accept the forgiveness I don't deserve.”

Two days later, on 9/30/2008: “I don't want to give up, but that's all I can do.”

Guilt and shame ruled my life. But the thing is, guilt and shame are not from the gentle, kind God that loves His daughters with tender compassion. It doesn't matter how we feel, because the Truth is that God loves us, regardless of what we've done, are doing, and will do in the future.

I thought I would never be free. I wrote once, “I will never be free from this. I know its going to kill me.”

There is hope. There is freedom.

I urge you, dear heart, that if you are struggling with hurting yourself, DO NOT keep it a secret any longer. Secrets fester and grow in the dark, they must be brought into the light in order to find hope and healing. Tell your mom, sister, aunt, pastor, or someone in authority that can help you overcome this struggle.

Don't accept defeat before you have a chance to fight. Fight each battle with all you've got, no matter how small that strength may be.

You are far more valuable than this.

10/5/2008: “I have given my will over to a razor blade, and forgotten the plans you have for me.”

Where have you put your will and hope? If its in a razor blade, its in the wrong place.

Remember the plans that God has for you.

Remember that He “knit you together in your mother's womb and has made you so wonderfully complex.” (Psalm 139).

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

You were made for love. To love yourself, to love others, to love God, and to let God love you.

In the Jesus Storybook Bible, the story of Leah is told in a beautiful way. The end simply says, “...They wouldn't need to be beautiful for Him to love them. He would love them with all of His heart. And they would be beautiful because He loved them. Like Leah.”

Let love consume you, and your beauty will shine from the inside out.

Your heart is precious, lovely one. Take care of your heart. Respect your heart AND your body by not continuing to hurt yourself. There is so much more to life than this.

Yesterday, you mattered. Today, you matter. Tomorrow, you will still matter.

let love define you

Life is full of noise. There are voices screaming at you from every direction. Parents. Siblings. Friends. Teachers. Professors. Media. Politicians. Even perfect strangers. Your local Starbucks barista. They all have an opinion and they all want to impose it on you. They all want to tell you who you are. How do you even begin to discern which one is true?

People expect you to have the perfect personality. Not too loud. Not too quiet. Not too nerdy. You have to like the right things, do the right things, be the right thing. If you don't fit the mold, more often than not, people will reject you. They want to tell you who to be.

The media says you have to look a certain way to be beautiful. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, tall, skinny, dark. If you don't fit the mold, the world labels you as “Ugly”, or “Average.” My literature professor said to my class this summer, “You know those beautiful people that know they are beautiful and make you feel it? Nobody in this room has to worry about that, we're all average and moderately attractive, but I wouldn't say there's any really beautiful people in this room.”

Labels. Everyone wants to put them on you. But how do we go from letting other people define who we are to simply knowing who we are and sticking to it?

Every single person you come in contact with will leave a fingerprint on your life. Whether good or bad, positive or negative, your life is covered with the fingerprints of others. You can't control who comes and goes in and out of your life, the impact they will make on you, but you can control how you respond to them. Don't let them tell you who you are.

Look at your hand. Notice your fingerprints. Not one of them is the same. And not one other person out of the 7.5 Billion people on the earth have your fingerprints. You are unique. You are one of a kind. There never has been, there is not, and there will never be anybody quite like you.

If you are the only you, then how can you let other people tell you who you are? They don't know you like you know you.

Your story is unique. Your story is beautiful. You are beautiful. Let LOVE define who you are. Love who you are. Live out your life. Don't try to be someone else. When you can simply be you, just you, no one else, you will find freedom to enjoy each and every day. You can't fail at being you.

No person, situation, indecent, accident, or circumstance has the right to define you. Love, alone, defines you.

You are not an accident. You are a gift. Your life is a gift. The world would not be the same without you. You have purpose. There is freedom and joy in being able to just simply be you. You are enough.

fierce, gentle, untameable love

There are moments in life when you can see God so clearly at work in your heart.

Right now is one of those moments.

I don't mean right now as in 6:06pm on March 1st, as I scribe these words. I mean right now. This season that I find myself in. There is nothing sweeter.

I have fallen in love with the One whom my soul loves all over again.

I had fallen in love with ministry and neglected the One who it is all about.

Right now, I am falling in love with Jesus all over again.

I see His beauty everywhere.

I hear His whispers echo through the deepest parts of my spirit.

I crave His words and devour His book every time I get a chance to open it.

The sun reflects His burning love for me in a way I've never seen, and I see that He shines brighter than a million suns.

I enter into worship and feel His presence immediately enrapture my whole being.

I sing love songs in my heart that only He can hear.

He sings songs to me that only I can hear.

He has opened up my ears to the symphonies of Heaven. Lending my spirit a chance to hear the songs that Heaven is singing over me.

He is the meditation of my heart and the obsession of my soul.

I can't go a day without Him. Not even a second away from His arms.

There is nothing else I have found that can satisfy the way that one word from His mouth can still my pounding heart.

He shows me things that I know are for me alone.

He romances me and dances with me in the heavenlies.

He teaches me and gently instructs me when I am wrong.

He forgives me when I begin to wander and turn my affections towards lesser lovers, and brings me back into the center of His love.

He shows me that it is always about Him. I am not the center of anything except for His love.

 I focused on doing. He is teaching me to be. Doing is secondary. Being is primary.

He is more focused on who I am than anything I can do for Him.

He is teaching me the beauty of humility and not being seen by anyone except Him. 

Ministry is beautiful. He is more beautiful.

He is my nearest, closest, dearest friend.

He is the One person I can be completely raw, open, vulnerable and real with- knowing He won't turn away. Ever.

Nobody knows my heart the way He does.

The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. My strong points, and my deepest weaknesses.

When I feel alone, He is right there. Holding my hand.

His affections never end.

The kisses from His lips come in abundance. Through the rain. Sunsets. The wind in the trees. The beauty of creation says, "I made this for you. Yet you are more beautiful still. You are worth more to me than all this."

When I doubt the beauty that He created, He shows me that His beauty is embedded inside of me.

He gently loves me like the perfect Father that He is. He fiercely pursues my heart like a new Lover. 

He is showing me the unique piece of His heart that He has entrusted to me alone. 

When I slip back into doing and lackadaisical busyness, He brings me back to rest and being and shows me the why behind what He has made me to do. More importantly, He reminds me of Who I am doing it for.

The lusts of this life and desires of the flesh are temporary. His love goes on forever.

He is better.

He is greater.

This life means nothing without Him.

This world has nothing for me.

He is the One whom my soul loves.

My decision is made.

There will never be a turning away.

This is forever.

Covenant love with my Covenant God.