never alone

"never will I leave you, and never will I forsake you."

these words have been echoing in my heart this past week as I approach the anniversary of my biological father abandoning my family for another woman.

March 29, 1997.

the day before my sister Breanna's birthday. we were at my sister Melanie's house. i remember walking into my nephew's room to find Breanna sitting on his bed, weeping. i pestered her and tried to find out what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. moments later, our mom arrived and i asked her what was wrong with Breanna. what she said is a blur, but i remember clear as day how i felt and what happened next. "your dad left." --- my little six year old heart dropped and i ran to my nephew's room and collapsed on the bed and sobbed like i had never sobbed before. i was a daddy's girl- as much as i could be with an emotionally absent father. and he was gone. he chose her over us.

that day. sitting on that bed. with a green and dark blue comforter with bears on it- i heard a lie. the first time the enemy said something to me. "you weren't good enough to make him stay, and you never will be good enough." // i've been fighting that lie my entire life and battled fear after fear, insecurity after insecurity, and doubt after doubt.

something that happened when i was six years old is still affecting me sixteen years later.

God did bring reconciliation 8 years later to our family. my dad apologized and asked for forgiveness and for awhile i had a dad back in my life. he died two months later. but that's another post for another time.

the point is -- i have never known what it is like to have a father. i didn't know what a healthy father was. i didn't understand the love of a father. i didn't know what a father/daughter relationship looked like. i remember nothing, literally nothing about my dad, except for the few moments we had together months before he passed away.

i say all that to say, i never was able to view God as the Father that He says He is. i didn't understand it. i didn't even want to understand it or try and get to know Him as my Father. my idea was that dads suck and why would i want God to be like a dad? He is so good- too good to be my Father. there's no way He is a Father when dads are so awful.

i got to know Him as Savior. Friend. King. Redeemer. Healer. Peace. Comforter. Joy. Lover. everything EXCEPT as a Father.

that was until about a year and a half ago when i met the man that God would use to show me the love of a father.

i went to an outreach at the children's hospital in Birmingham that my friend Brooke invited me to. she told me that her home sponsors owned a salon and they put on spa nights for moms of chronically and terminally ill kids and that i could come help if i wanted to. i jumped at that opportunity. there is a special place in my heart for sick kids and their families because of what my sister went through in her cancer journey when she was so young.

i got there and i met a man named Sam. the whole night he was encouraging me and speaking life into me.

it started out with when he was praying over the food they were serving. i was looking at the moms and they just looked so broken. so sad. so tired. i lost it. i started bawling. he came over and put his hands on my shoulders and asked me if i was okay. i lied. "yeah i'm great." he didn't believe me and i shared a little bit of my sister's story and why i was crying. he shared about how he could see my heart and the brokenness inside of me. he hugged me and we went on with the night.

at the end of the night i was saying goodbye to everyone and heading out to my car. well Sam gave me his card and told me to call him and that he wanted to sit down and talk with me and share his heart. he kissed me on the cheek, gave me a bear hug and i left.

i remember thinking. dreaming. wishing. asking God to make this man my spiritual father. i felt an instant "dad" connection with him that i had never felt before. at the same time i was having thoughts- which i now know were from the enemy cause he knew the potential that relationship had- thoughts like "what if he's just a creeper? its kind of weird that he wants to sit down and talk to me. maybe i shouldn't call him. he's kind of strange and overly friendly." okay. well truth be told- he is weird and very much friendly, but he is the furthest thing from a creeper.

so i called him a couple days later to let him know that i was very much wanting to take him up on his offer to hang out and talk. i had no idea what to expect, but the Lord put it on my heart to talk to him and i had to be obedient.

i went to the prayer room he has in their salon the next day and i can't even begin to explain to you what took place. we began to talk and share stories- and then, he started reading my mail and telling me things about myself that probably nobody knows. completely God talking through him. for the next two hours- something happened. i walked into that prayer room with so much baggage that it wouldn't even fit in the whole salon. over those two hours, chains were broken, walls were torn down, strongholds were broken- and freedom and hope were stirred and released.

after that, we met on a monthly basis just to talk and share hearts and God stories. he poured into me and ripped things out of my life that didn't need to be there. i ended up moving in with their family 8 weeks before the end of my second semester and that was the best thing that could have happened to me. i grew so much, was challenged daily, came out of my shell, and became a totally new person.

through all of this- Sam became my dad. not even just a "spiritual father". i see him as "dad". he (and his precious wife, Jackie) have changed my life in ways I cannot even begin to describe. through my relationship with them- my life has been turned upside down. i went from not knowing what a father was to having the perfect picture and example of what a father is.

because of Sam, i now can know God as a Father too. because I understand what a Father's love is. to be unconditionally loved and accepted. known. protected. treasured. heard. seen. God have me the best man in the world that he could possibly find to be my spiritual dad- and i am forever thankful. forever.

before God gave me my spiritual daddy, i thought about probably every single day that my dad was gone and how i had to grow up without one. now- it is a very rare occasion that i think about the fact that i don't have a dad. cause i do.

God sets the lonely in families. That verse doesn't lie.

God. our Father. is so faithful.

He is never leaving.

He gave me a spiritual dad here on earth and in turn, I get to know God as my Father too.

last year, i had a little boy in one of my nursery classes that i will probably carry with me forever.

i was serving in the four year old service- the Clubhouse.

there was a little boy sitting over in the rows of chairs while all the other kids were playing and interacting.

he sat alone. crying uncontrollably. i watched as a couple teachers tried to console him. he wasn't having it.

i waited a few minutes and walked over to him.

i kneeled down beside him put my hand on his shoulder.

"what's your name?" i asked him- he told me through gasps for air.

"what's wrong, sweet pea?"

"mommmmmy. i want mommmmy."

"typical"- i thought.

"she'll be back in a little bit. i promise." - i said, trying to comfort him.

we went back and forth several times about how he wanted his mommy and me saying it would be okay.

one more time.

"i want my daddy."

"okay buddy. where's your daddy?" - i asked.

"he's in jail."

a pound of bricks hit my heart.

this poor baby.

he's not just a typical four year old crying for his mom. he's genuinely scared and worried about her coming back. his dad was in prison. he's four. there's no way he could understand why his dad left one day and didn't come back for him. he was so scared that his mom wasn't going to come back- just like his daddy did.

i asked him more questions about his family and just listened to him.

i tried to comfort him as best i could by letting him know that his mommy was just in the other room and that she would be back very soon and that she loves him so very much and would never leave him and not come back for him.

i told him about Jesus and how much He loved him.

i told him the God is his daddy too and that God would never ever ever leave him and would be his best friend forever if he asked Him to be.

out of the blue- he stopped crying. "God loves me?" he asked.

"very, very much."

he didn't cry anymore after that.

i sat with him until church got out. he held my hand tightly and asked me not to leave him alone. i couldn't. i wouldn't. i fell in love with this precious boy and his already broken story at 4 years old broke me down. 

how many of us have stories like this little boy?

at some point in each one of our lives, somebody has probably hurt us. its inevitable. its part of relationships.

whether your dad left. a friend stabbed you in the back and betrayed you. your mom told you that you were an accident. your older brother wasn't there for you when you needed him to be. harsh and unkind words were spoken over you. whatever it may be- we all have wounds. all of us.

and so many times we sit there like that little boy, in a panic- thinking that because somebody left you or rejected you or hurt you that everyone is going to end up doing the same thing. and even deeper- we make the assumption that God is going to hurt us. to reject us. to leave us alone.

all the while, He is sitting next to you, asking you to tell Him why you are crying. placing His hand on your shoulders, trying to comfort you. and you keep bringing up the past.

"well- my dad left me- so I can't trust you. you're going to leave me too. you're here now, but who knows when you're gonna leave me to fend for myself."

as ridiculous as it sounds, its exactly what we do.

instead of sitting there with Him next to you, crying about the past and what people did to you- can we take a step of trust and fall into His embrace and allow His to heal us and speak to us?

hear Him say

"never. never. never. never will I leave you. and never will i forsake you."

"fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." 

"my father and my mother walked out on me, but God took me in" (MSG)

"to all who believed and accepted Him, He gave the right to be called children of God."

"have I not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be discouraged. do not be afraid. for I will be with you wherever you go."

instead of bringing up what he or she did to you. listen. look at Jesus in His eyes and hear Him tell you about how He came for you and He will never leave you. 

God is with us.

Always.

He is never leaving and He will never leave you alone.

Even when you walk away from Him, He is right there, chasing after your heart and ready to take you back with open arms.

stop crying and bringing up the past.

rest in the truth that He is here to stay.

He is the Father you may have never had but always wanted.

Let Him dry your tears and calm your soul.

never will He leave you. and never will He forsake you.