worth more than a razor blade

I lived the first 20 years of my life believing nothing but lies.

Fat.

Ugly.

Unworthy.

Never good enough.

Undesirable.

Unlovable.

Useless.

A mistake.

Every lie that the world and my enemy threw at me, I immediately believed and held onto them as if they were absolute truth.

One day, my hopelessness spilled into a razor blade.

I was sick of listening to lies, so out of desperation to escape them I began cutting myself.

I allowed my emotions to rule my life.

Cutting became my outlet for every single circumstance.

When I felt bad about myself. When I had a bad day. When somebody rejected me. When I was overwhelmed with the pain of life. When I got in fights with my mom. When I felt unworthy of the love that God was pouring out on me. When I needed to silence the voices in my head.

I kept a razor blade with me at all times. I was addicted. To me, it felt good and I “needed” to feel it. There was nothing that took away the pain like inflicting physical pain that would distract my mind from my heart's condition.

My life was in shambles.

Cutting. Bulimia. Depression. Broken relationships. Suicide.

I had no reason to live.

I thought I was doing myself good, but I was running further and further away from God each time I took out that blade. I refused to accept the love that God wanted to overwhelm me with.

On 9/28/2008 I wrote in my journal: “When are You going to give up on me? I've let You down so many times, why do You still care? I want to reach You, I just can't. Its easier to accept the guilt and shame than to accept the forgiveness I don't deserve.”

Two days later, on 9/30/2008: “I don't want to give up, but that's all I can do.”

Guilt and shame ruled my life. But the thing is, guilt and shame are not from the gentle, kind God that loves His daughters with tender compassion. It doesn't matter how we feel, because the Truth is that God loves us, regardless of what we've done, are doing, and will do in the future.

I thought I would never be free. I wrote once, “I will never be free from this. I know its going to kill me.”

There is hope. There is freedom.

I urge you, dear heart, that if you are struggling with hurting yourself, DO NOT keep it a secret any longer. Secrets fester and grow in the dark, they must be brought into the light in order to find hope and healing. Tell your mom, sister, aunt, pastor, or someone in authority that can help you overcome this struggle.

Don't accept defeat before you have a chance to fight. Fight each battle with all you've got, no matter how small that strength may be.

You are far more valuable than this.

10/5/2008: “I have given my will over to a razor blade, and forgotten the plans you have for me.”

Where have you put your will and hope? If its in a razor blade, its in the wrong place.

Remember the plans that God has for you.

Remember that He “knit you together in your mother's womb and has made you so wonderfully complex.” (Psalm 139).

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

You were made for love. To love yourself, to love others, to love God, and to let God love you.

In the Jesus Storybook Bible, the story of Leah is told in a beautiful way. The end simply says, “...They wouldn't need to be beautiful for Him to love them. He would love them with all of His heart. And they would be beautiful because He loved them. Like Leah.”

Let love consume you, and your beauty will shine from the inside out.

Your heart is precious, lovely one. Take care of your heart. Respect your heart AND your body by not continuing to hurt yourself. There is so much more to life than this.

Yesterday, you mattered. Today, you matter. Tomorrow, you will still matter.