Its the most wonderful time of the year!

The most wonderful time of the year is finally here!!! It is THORN season!! We are only one week away from opening night! :) Thousands upon thousands of people in Colorado Springs and across the nation will experience and witness the story of Jesus. It is my most favorite time of year. I have been in the Thorn for 7 years now. This year I have had the privilege of being a crowd director and I have the best team ever. I love them all so much and couldn't be more proud of the hard work they've devoted themselves to in order for the lost to hear the message of the cross. http://thethorn.net/

it was for FREEDOM.

Here's somewhat of a dream, or reflection on a season I went through that ended nearly 3 years ago:

I was dying. In the deepest pit I had ever encountered. The nearest speck of light seemed a million miles away. The demons surrounding me pull on my chains, I fall to the ground; again, again, it never ends. They whisper lies in my ears and I believe them. "You're worthless." "You're ugly." "You're fat." "Don't you dare eat that!" "Cut. You deserve to feel pain." "Death. End it all. You can escape." The lies never stop. They torment me day and night. I am surrounded by darkness. Under a cloud of evil that seeks to destroy. The enemy of my soul is trying to kill me.

Then, suddenly, I fall to my knees. This time its not because I was chained down, no, its much different. In one moment, the darkness is gone. It is penetrated by the brightest light I've ever seen. It invades every crevis of my pit, of my entire being. I cry out in pain as I feel my heart being ripped from its place. I had my gaze set on death, head down in shame. All my eyes had known was darkness. I feel blinded as my eyes meet the light. I begin to see things. One by one, the demons run - shrieking with fear. They drop my chains, they are unable to drag me. The blood on my body has been wiped clean. I fall flat on my knees, face to the ground. I am afraid of the power I feel, for all I have known is fear. All of a sudden, I feel myself being pulled up. I was unable to keep myself on the ground, which is where I have been told I belong. I can't see anything , all I see is piercing light. I feel a force removing the knife from my hand, as hard as I cling to the blade, I cannot keep a hold on it. My instrument of torture falls to the ground.

My eyes were still gazing on the death I had become so well aquainted with. Then, a hand gently touches my face, it turns my head to the other direction. The hand belongs to Jesus. I lock eyes with His eyes of fire, I can't look away. I am captivated by the love, hope, and freedom found in His eyes; unlike anything I've ever seen. The love pierces my soul and sends shock through my bones. I have never seen anything more beautiful. He speaks to me, saying, "I love you. The past and the darkness do not define you. I do. You have been set free. You are free. Live free." I fall apart, weeping. My knees give way and I fall into the arms of my Redeemer. One look from His eyes broke the chains off of my soul. I can see the black chains falling to the ground. They aren't just split, they have been completely shattered. They crumble, turning to dust before my eyes. I was wearing rags. They were covered in blood, burnt holes and rips from my tormentors. When I look down to see my clothing, much to my surprise I am no longer wearing my rags. I am dressed in the most pure and beautiful of white garnments that I have ever seen. It was like a wedding dress. I feel beautiful, for the first time in my life I feel radiant beauty.

He, Jesus, takes me by the hand and lifts me back up. He wipes the tears from my eyes and collects them in a jar. He says to me, "I know all your tears. I have seen your pain and hear all of your cries. You were never alone. Rescue is here." My heart begins to pound, I feel a warmth, a fire burning inside of me. I feel something I have never experienced before. I don't know how to describe it othere than to say...pure, endless...Joy. My heart has been made alive. Where all I had known was death and heaviness, was now life, light and happiness. I am now alive. He opens His hand and I see the holes from the spikes that were driven through His beautiful hands. He takes my hand and runs my fingers over His holes in His hands, His side, His feet. "I bled and suffered and died so that you dont have to. I came back to life so that you could live and be free from the things that once held you captive," He says to me.

I feel His love invade my heart. A deeper love than I known or imagined could exist. I take His hand in mine and kiss it gently with my lips. He has my heart in His hands, I watch HIm as He washes it in His blood, take the broken pieces and make it whole. He then put it back in its place, making me whole. I am whole because He hold my heart, I am whole because He was broken. I am His, and He is mine. I am overcome with shame and fall to my knees, at His feet weeping. I say to HIm, "I dont deserve You. I dont deserve love. Why do You love me? I should be dead!" He lifts me back up, looks me in the eyes and says, "No. No guilt. No shame. No regrets. You have been made whole. Your stains have been erased. Your sin and your past have been nailed to the cross. You have been made new. Holy. I love you. I created you and you are not an accident. Don't question my love, it will never end or go away and thats all that you need to know."

He takes my hands and He begins to lead me in a dance. I am dancing with Jesus. He leads me, and I follow. I have been caught up into a deep and beautiful love story. We go up, He lifted me out of the pit I had been calling my home, and He set my feet on solid ground where I could not slip. No more darkness. No more fear. No more torment. I am surrounded by light. I have been set free. I am in the eternal embrace of my Lover, Jesus Christ. Forever my Hope, my Love. One look from His eyes broke the chains off of my soul. The enemy of my soul has been defeated. The battle has been won and I have been redeemed.

Dios: mi TODO.

Cuando me pongo a pensar en lo mucho que yo he recibido de Ti, sabiendo muy bien que no soy merecedor de lo que has puesto en mi, mis ojos lagrimean mis manos titubean... ¿soy yo el adecuado para algo tan preciado? de pronto miro hacia Ti.. recuerdo tus promesas a mi... Tu Gracia me sostiene tu Amor quien lo contiene? nadie lo comprende, vivo seguro pues mi espíritu elevas, mi mente la renuevas, mi vida es una prueba que puedo confiar en que tu Gracia siempre me sostiene..Siempre me sostiene tu Amor y tu compasión, tu Espíritu Santo me da dirección, tu Palabra es la fuente de mi inspiración y la Sangre de Jesús da el poder de la resurrección..Hay días enteros cuando puedo sentir la urgencia de mi clamor, te hago la pregunta ¿qué podría pasar si te fallo Señor? mi alma se estremece... mi vida desfallece; a veces he dudado de este tu llamado.. de pronto miro hacia ti recuerdo tus promesas a mi...

Rude Awakening.

In a few previous posts, I wrote about a guy friend of mine whom I was convinced that I would marry one day. I have been in love with this guy for the past two years and just recently got the courage up to tell him. Well, I have been praying about this and asking God to give me a clear "yes" or "no" for quite some time now. This past week, He gave me an extraordinarily loud and clear "NO", that this is not the man that God has for me. Would you like to hear the story of how this came about? Well, listen up, I'll share a story with you.

About three weeks ago he was in Colorado for a weekend to pick me up to drive to Oklahoma, as I was going to visit him for a week. Well we were hanging out at his house one of the nights, watching movies, and then he kissed me. Immediately after he said "I've got to protect my and your hearts better than I've been doing. I'm not sure if I can be anything more than just a friend to you. If we are to proceed I want it to be so clearly lead by God that we can't ignore it." I was okay with that and agreed with him. Well, the entire 12 hours in the car, he barely talked to me at all. I spent the entire week by myself. Him and his family worked every single day, all day, until at least 7 or 9 p.m. They didn't leave me a key. There was barely any food in the apartment. So I had to hop the fence to get out of the apartment complex and walk to find food. The whole week he just made it incredibly awkward and weird. He barely talked to me, he didn't spend barely any time with me the whole week, and it felt like he was purposefully ignoring me. I wasn't shown any hospitality at all. I just did not feel welcome there at all, in fact, I felt quite unwanted. There are a few things that happened while I was there that I won't share, but they are upsetting.

I have been friends with this guy for nearly 4 years. I thought I knew him so well. I was wrong. All that I have ever known about him has been fake and a lie. I really discovered his true character during my stay in Oklahoma. I think that is what breaks my heart the most, is that I thought I knew him so well, when in reality I did not know him at all. Even had nothing happened between us, if you are a true friend, if you really love somebody and care about them, you do not, DO NOT, treat them that way. I loved that our relationship was based off of Christ and these amazing conversations about God and the Bible. Well, you can talk all you want, but talk is cheap, and ultimately it is about actions. Jesus said "You will know my disciples by their fruit." Talk is cheap if you aren't producing fruit. The Christian life ultimately comes down to two things: Love God. Love people. If you can't walk in love you aren't reflecting Christ.

He texted me and asked if I hated my time in Tulsa. I told the truth. I did hate my time I spent there. He basically made excuses for himself, denied responsibility, tried to push the blame off onto me, and did not apologize for anything that had happened the whole week. From that conversation I can see so clearly that he does not care about my heart, my emotions, or about me at all. He has and never had any intentions of protecting my heart, only made empty promises. The truth is, I don't even care if I stay friends with this person anymore.

I am looking at this as a lesson learned. I learned that he is not the man God has for me. I saw his true character. And I see that it could have been so much worse, that he could have done a lot more damage had he continued to play with my emotions and lie to me. I now know that God was protecting me and guarding me from being severely damaged. I am so thankful to my sweet Jesus for hiding me in His heart and keeping me from harm. Now I can move on and know that God has someone so so so so so so so much more incredible for me, down the road, in His timing.