breaking in vulnerability

Jesus can teach lessons through anything. I suppose that's why one of His names is the Great Teacher.

On Wednesday I was driving home from visiting my sister in Florida and all of a sudden felt pain like somebody stabbing a dagger into my abdomen. It hurt to sit. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to laugh. This continued the whole day until I got back into Birmingham. Then it start to hurt to breathe. I asked a few friends and my mom what I should do and the general consensus was to go to the hospital. I reluctantly called one of my friends and asked her to drive me. I am absolutely terrified of doctors and I am not too fond of hospitals either.

I told them what was going on and they seemed pretty concerned and I had to get a CT Scan. They came back and told me I had a cyst the size of a tennis ball on my ovary and I would have to stay overnight and be admitted to the women's ward in the hospital to get an ultrasound and possibly surgery the next day.

I realized in that moment that I am absolutely terrified of letting my walls down and allowing others to see my weaknesses and fears. I wanted to weep. I was so scared and overwhelmed with fear. But my friend Caroline was with me, so I had to do everything I could to not open the floodgates. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like letting others see me cry. I don't like being seen in weakness.

I live 1300 miles away from my family and all I wanted was for my mom and sisters to be with me, but that wasn't an option. I had my amazing Highlands College sisters with me almost the whole time, but I so badly wanted my mama and sisters. I had to constantly talk to Jesus and ask for strength, cause I was freaking out on the inside the whole time.

The next day I found out that it would be the best option to get surgery to get the cyst removed. I had mixed feelings about it, but mostly fear. I was glad to be getting rid of the source of the worst physical pain I've ever felt in my life, but I was overwhelmed with fear and nerves at the same time. Fear of being put to sleep, fear of being cut open, fear of not knowing what was going to happen to me, and fear of being naked and vulnerable in front of the doctors and several nurses.

When I was in the pre-op room, my friends and leaders from HC were with me offering courage and prayers. Caroline, Sandlyn, Brielle, Miss Mary and Momma Jane all came to support me and be there for me when I most needed them. I wasn't really talking or doing anything because I was so paralyzed with fear, I'm sure you could see the fear on my face and I was getting nervous red splotches on my neck and chest. Momma Jane started playing worship songs about healing and came over and sat on my bed and they all laid hands on me and prayed for me. At that point I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I gave in and was absolutely weeping. I was allowing others to see my weakness and that is a huge step for me.

I was sitting there vulnerable and naked (literally. but covered. ha!)...and emotionally allowing others into my place of weakness and fear when I didn't have the strength to hide my heart any longer. Allowing other women into the place I was so afraid of letting them see. I have lived my whole life out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of others seeing who I really am and what I really feel. It was in that moment of weakness and vulnerability that all of that broke over me. I decided that I would no longer live in fear. I decided that I would no longer hide who I am, but allow people in to see my true colors and let them into my heart. I would no longer hide under the layers of insecurity and trying to be something I'm not. I would allow others to enter into my world and allow myself to influence them with the heart God placed inside of me, and allow myself to be influenced by the hearts God has given them.

When I was sitting on that hospital bed, drugged up, exhausted and fearful...I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of people for the first time in a long time. It was my breaking point. I will not hide my emotions or my heart any longer. I will share my world and heart with others. I will no longer try to fight battles by myself or rely on my own strength, cause flat out, sometimes I don't have any strength to lean on. I will not put on a strong face anymore and pretend everything is okay when my heart is in turmoil.

After that moment, I was able to be taken away to surgery fully confident in the love of God for me, my HC family, and knowing that I was in God's hands and there was no reason to fear because everything would be perfectly fine.

Its quite absurd the different things that God can use to break us and teach us lessons to set us free from strongholds and mindsets that perhaps could have been lifelong. Right now I am learning how to rest and be served during recovery. But that's a whole other story!