day three. finishing strong.

Today I got to tell my story from Highlands College Expedition for a video that is promoting the "iCan Strength Bracelets". I really hate being in front of the camera, but I told my home sponsor that I would do it. He's done so much for me, I really couldn't say no. 

At one point, one of the guys recording me asked me to explain how I felt when I realized that I could do all things through Christ. 

I honestly didn't know what to say. It was so hard to put that moment into words. 

It was an overwhelming feeling of love and grace. Knowing for the first time in my life, truly believing that I have a Daddy in Heaven who believes in me, encourages me, is cheering me on, and gives me the power to do anything and everything. "Strength to conquer anything"...like the bracelet says. I have always believed in other people, but never in myself. In that moment, when I reached the top of that rock, the fear of not being good enough was put to death and the Spirit of God breathed His power and life back into that area of my heart that had been dead and hopeless for so long. 

Have you ever thought about that that verse really means? 

Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." 

Let me tell you what it doesn't say. It doesn't say, "I can do all things, except..." or, "I can do all things, but..."

No no no. It says "I can do ALL things, through Christ who gives me strength." 

I looked up the Greek original meaning of the word "all" in this passage, and you know what it means? 

ALL. 

With Jesus inside of you, there is nothing you can't do. Nothing. 

I was talking with Sam today and he said "Don't ever let anybody tell you that you can't. Not even yourself. You can." 

The word "can't" shouldn't even be part of a Christ follower's vocabulary. For real. There's literally nothing that you can't do. 

When I was running a half marathon a couple weeks ago, my mind said "I can't do this." My spirit man said, "You've got this. Jesus finished strong so that you can finish strong. You can do all things." Guess what? I finished that marathon. I ran 11 miles and walked the other two. I've never ran that far in my entire life, but Jesus gave me the strength. I had so many moments along the way where I wanted to give up. I would say things like, "I can't take another step. It hurts too much. I'm not gonna finish." I told satan to suck it and I kept running through the pain and discomfort. 

I had a moment during the last mile where I wanted to turn in. I stood there feeling like giving up, like I couldn't go on. Then Pastor Mark and Pastor Hayes drove by and gave me that one boost of encouragement. That one, "You're doing so well. I'm so proud of you. You can do this. You're almost there." And that gave me the drive to finish strong. I realized in that moment that life isn't made in the easy moments, its made in the difficult moments. the times when you feel like you can't take another step. When you have no strength left. When you're in so much pain you feel like collapsing. Its made in the moments where you want to give up, but keep going because life with Jesus is all about finishing strong. If we don't finish strong, we sell ourselves short. Jesus was loyal to us and He finished strong for us, even to the point of dying the most painful death in history...so what really is there in this world that we couldn't overcome and finish strong? 

Its always the most difficult in the last sprint. That last mile was the hardest part of the race. I had to keep going otherwise I would have sat down and given up. There was no way I was going to give up. It was not an option. I walked and got to where I could see the finish line...and my family was there, cheering me on. I sprinted as fast as I could and crossed that line, giving everything I had and holding nothing back. I finished that race strong and chose to listen to my Daddy who said "You've got this. Let me empower you." 

The same is for us in life. We have a Father and all of the people who have gone before us and finished their races, standing at the finish line, cheering your name, encouraging you, going wild with every win and success. Every failure, they are shouting "Get back up! You can do this! Try again! You're almost there!" They're waiting for you to cross the finish line. 

And when we cross that finish line we get to hear the most beautiful words of all time, "Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have finished your race." 

Finish strong. Be loyal to Jesus as He is loyal to you. Know that you can do all things. Strength to conquer anything. 

During the race, I had God teach me a lesson in humility. 

I ran the entire race alone, which was fine by me. But I got to a point where it was about the last two miles and I was right behind this girl Jessi, and right in front of my best friend, Liz. Well, Liz and I had a little falling out for the past about two months. I was hurting, hot, wanting to not be running anymore, I was angry at her for leaving me in the dust with no explanation, and I was absolutely not going to let her beat me. No way in hell was I going to finish behind Liz. It just wasn't going to happen. I would look back every couple minutes to monitor her pace and see if I could afford to walk for a minute, being very strategic in my movements. 

I heard out of nowhere God say to me, "Let her finish ahead of you." 

"Excuse me, God?" 

"Let her go ahead of you." 

"No. You're crazy. Absolutely not. I'm going to beat her." 

"No, you're going to let her finish ahead of you." 

"Why in the world would I do that?"

Every verse about humility came rushing in my head in that moment. "Consider others better than yourselves. Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up." 

"Ugh. Okay, God. Fine. I get it." 

I swallowed my pride, slowed down, and let Liz finish ahead of me. I finished exactly 3 minutes behind her. It was 3 minutes of humility and grace that I will never forget. I let her get the prize of finishing before me. Then, I hated it. Now, I see the beautiful lesson that God was trying to teach me. To value others above myself. To empower other people to finish their races, even though I may want to finish first...its all about relationships and empowering others to do well. That's a part of leadership. We lead by serving others and seeing them fulfill their God given potential. 

day two. this precious life.

Have you even been hit with a wave of glory, mercy or love? 

To look at my life and know that God fully loves and accepts me is overwhelming. He knows my past, present and future. He knows my thoughts. He knows my words. He knows my actions. He knows the motives of my heart. And yet, He still is consumed with burning love and passion for me. 

There's a line in Chris Tomlin's song, "Indescribable" that says, "You know the depths of my heart, and you love me the same." 

How incredible to think about. I find myself sitting in New Testament, thinking to myself, "Is my life real?" Do I really get to go to school in a church, start class off with incredible worship and prayer, and learn about the Word of God? Just the fact that we get to have, read, behold the Word of God in our hands and dig into it and get it into our hearts...what an honor. There are so many that do not have access to God's Word and long for it. We have it and so often we take it for granted.

Has the weight of God's Word ever just slapped you in the face? 

I sit here with my Bible and my eyes are tearing up just thinking about how incredible it is that we are saved by the overwhelming grace of God, that we are free from sin and death, that we get to have communion and relationship with the God of everything. We have direct access to the God of the Universe. WHAT?! Why don't we understand the power we have living inside of us and that is available to us? If we truly understood,  there wouldn't be all these defeated Christians walking around in chains! 

Take a moment to think of where God rescued you from. Never forget where you have come from. Think about the weight of the honor we have in being able to behold God's eternal Word, His heart, His face, His love and grace. 

 This life we have in Jesus is precious. The word precious means: 

High cost, worthy, esteemed, precious. 

The Word of God is precious. God's love is precious. The Blood of Jesus is precious. Our suffering for Jesus is precious. God our Father calls us precious, chosen, loved. You are precious. This life is precious. Let's begin to treat it as so. Let's not take for granted the life, love, grace and freedom we have in Jesus.
What we have is far more valuable than all of the gold the world could possible hold.

1 Peter 1:6-9 --- "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls."

thirty days of writing. day one.

I've gotten really slack with my writing. This posting every month or two just isn't cutting it. So I'm challenging myself to 30 days of straight writing. This was inspired after reading my sweet friend Jordan's blog (justacupofjo.com). I'm not good at writing posts that aren't long and deep, so I'm going try try and write short, concise, and tell it like it is. What God is teaching me, what is happening in my days, what I'm learning, school, life, relationships, ups and downs, bad and good...its all fair game. No fluff. Day one:

My home sponsors came home today! They were in Florida for 5 days because my host dad, Sam, was speaking at a business meeting convention thing. They own a salon and invest in a company called Redkin..which by the way has awesome hair products. My hair has never been more shiny and healthy feeling. Ha! Anyway. It felt like they were gone for a long time. Its so nice to have my family back home, even though I only have three more weeks of living with them. Don't let me think about that though. I have random bursts of tears when I start thinking about leaving Alabama. The relationships I've built here are priceless and I am going to miss these people so much.

One thing we've been talking about a lot in our house recently is obedience. God, flat out, plain and simple...wants our obedience. When we obey and have a willing heart, that pleases Him. If we obey but do it with grumbling, complaining, a bad attitude and with resentment...well that's not really obedience, now is it? Its all about when we call around here the "Get To" mentality. We look at everything with an attitude that says, "I get to do this", and never say "I have to." When you have an attitude of getting to do things, it makes everything so much more enjoyable and it keeps it in perspective of...I'm doing this as unto the Lord, not unto men, so I get to do it with my whole heart and enjoy serving my King because it is an honor and a privilege to serve Him.

Cat got out of the bag today that I'm an Auburn fan. My home sponsors are Alabama fans. I learned for the next ten minutes of all the not so classy things Auburn fans have done around them after I explained that I observed that Auburn fans were more classy than Alabama fans...even though they're the exception to the rule. Perhaps I spoke too soon. Its okay, they still love me. Ha!

 I was telling Sam and Jackie about the issues I've had writing this research paper for New Testament. I'm writing about the value and liberation that Jesus brought to women. On Friday I accidentally stumbled upon the most horrific, evil pictures of women being abused out of Islam. I slammed my computer shut, sat there sobbing, and literally felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't touch my paper for the rest of the day. Now my paper is late, but I just couldn't bring myself to start writing after that. I didn't know how. Sam said that sometimes we see things that impact us, even disturb us...but if we didn't see it we'd remain in our comfortable bubbled life. Sometimes we're meant to see things that make us sick or uncomfortable, they impact us and keep the fire burning that drives us to live this life for Jesus. Its so true. We get so comfortable and so stagnant in life, while there is a world around us that is dying and desperate for the love of Jesus. Especially being in ministry school, sometimes its so easy to forget that the rest of the world doesn't have the life I have of being able to do life with people that love and believe in you, and being in the presence of God, EVERY SINGLE DAY. There are people that have never heard the Name of Jesus, have no clue who He is. And that wrecks me when I think about that. I can't imagine life without Jesus, yet there are so many who have never had the opportunity to feel His love and hope. I challenge you to get uncomfortable once in a while. Expand your worldview. Ask God to let you see things the way He sees them, to break your heart for what breaks His. Trust me. He will. And its completely worth it.

We talked today during family time about how hard Christianity is. It is the hardest thing. Its not easy. When you accept Jesus, life doesn't magically become all rainbows and puppy dogs and marshmallows. No. Its trials and hardships, its having a target on your head and a sign on your forehead that says "Attack Me." Jesus said, "Don't be surprised if the world hates you! It hated me first!" Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Every single second of it. The Bible says to consider it pure joy when you are persecuted for the cause of Christ. Its all joy. Forget happiness. Jesus brings joy that is everlasting and eternal, even in the hardest, most painful times of life.

If there are two values I've learned at Highlands that I'd like the rest of the world to understand, its this: Excellence in all we do. Honor.

 I graduate my first year of Highlands College in 11 days. How crazy is that? I'm not ready. At the same time, I'm beyond ready. I don't know what next year holds, but I say "Bring it on!"

That's all the thoughts I have for today. This next 30 days should be fun. I can't wait to see what crazy things my mind dreams up.

For His Reward.

you took me into the waters of your grace, cleaned me and kissed me on my face

My first year of Highlands College is quickly coming to an end. In 3 short weeks, I will be graduating, and in 4 weeks I will be back in Colorado. This is so weird.

I honestly cannot believe that this year is almost over.

It has been the hardest, most challenging, most exhilarating, incredible, God-consumed, beautiful year of my life.

I came here eight months ago with no idea what I was getting myself into.

I knew that my life would look different, but I didn't know it would take a complete, 180 degree turnaround.

I look back at the person I was before I came here, and that person is a stranger. I was so captive. Full of fear. Timidity held me back from doing anything I knew God had called me to do. I didn't know who I was. I had no sense of identity, or I knew in my mind what God said about me, but I sure didn't believe it. I had no purpose or meaning in living. I didn't know what God had purposed me to do. I was full of insecurity and self-doubt. I was bitter towards so many people and still had a lot of forgiveness in my heart. I doubted that I had what it takes to fulfill God's calling on my life. I was living day to day, full of apathy, comfortable, stuck in the rut of routine.

I resisted God for 6 years on moving here to be in Highlands College. I heard Him speak clearly to me my sophomore year of high school that I would be doing 24/7 one day, and I told him "You're crazy. No. No no no no, no no. Not happening. Come up with another plan." Well, 6 years later...here I am. And I have absolutely no doubt that this is exactly where God wants me. It is so clear and so evident, in every small little detail. Everyday is full of a new adventure. I find myself excited to wake up in the morning so I can go and do what God has planned out for me. Before I came here, I dreaded each day.

I got here at the end of August. It is now April.

From there to here, so many things have happened. So many adventures. So many challenges. So many difficult times. So many fun times. Lack of sleep. Incredible God encounters. Life-changing conversations with friends, pastors, leaders, mothers, fathers and students. Moments of facing my fears and coming out victorious. Moments of feeling alone. Countless times where I wanted to give up. Times where I was forced to do things I didn't want to do, and times where I did things I never thought I would be capable of doing. Times of great joy, and times of great sadness. Moments of leadership, moments of following. Learning how to be an effective leader. Learning how to submit to leadership and spiritual authority. Workouts that pushed me harder physically than I have ever been pushed. Not knowing where my next tank of gas would come from, but time after time, seeing God provide for every single one of my needs.

Learning how to be vulnerable, open and honest with people. Being forced outside of my comfort zone, all the time. Learning what it looks like to be a devoted follower of Jesus. Learning discipline. Learning how to serve with a servant's heart and attitude. Learning how to have a "get to" attitude, as opposed to a "have to" attitude. Learning how to see people for where they could be, not necessarily where they are. Never being alone. No dating. No alcohol. No sleep. Growing in the Lord and in spiritual maturity. Learning how to be served and let others serve me. Redefining my idea of what family looks like. Learning to love, and like the person I am, the way I am, the way God created me. Learning to leave the past in the past and look towards the future. Learning that it isn't about what I can or cannot do, but its about doing everything as unto the Lord and giving all of my heart at everything I do...and that's all that really matters.

Realizing that if I wanted "easy", I shouldn't have come to Highlands, which life is never easy and living for Jesus isn't easy, so why would I want any less? Learning what it means to rest in God. Learning what it means to walk in freedom. Learning that it is okay to believe for myself, not just other people. Going from confusion to clarity. Going from brokenness to being  made whole. Learning how to be bold and step out and do what God has told me to do, even if it means I have to put myself out in front of others and risk criticism. Learning that it doesn't matter what people say or think, cause my Daddy already approves of me. Realizing that I am not inferior to everyone else. Learning to use my voice and speak up, because I do have a lot to offer and God has given me revelation that other people need to hear.

My eyes have been opened to the fact that I put qualifiers, conditions and buts on everything. "But" needs to be erased from my vocabulary, and that is something I am working toward. I have always looked at the world through a pessimistic, negative lens, but I am learning how to see the light and good in everything. My most recent revelation and lesson: Life isn't made in the easy moments, its made in the difficult moments. The times when you feel like you can't take another step. when you have no strength left. when you're in so much pain you feel like collapsing. Its made in the moments where you want to give up, but keep going because life with Jesus is all about finishing strong. If we don't finish strong, we sell ourselves short. Jesus finished strong, He was loyal to us and remains loyal to us...no matter what we have done or will ever do. The same needs to be true of us, we must finish strong and emulate the example that our Lord set for us. Testing, hardships, trials, and moments of pressure reveal our character and who we really are. Life is made in the difficult times.

I learned that there is no such thing as a secret and the secrets in our lives need to be exposed to the light, or we are in danger. I confessed a secret that I have held onto and that has held me captive for the past 6 years to my best friend and one of my spiritual authority...and God set me free. There is forgiveness in confessing your sins to God, but there is freedom and healing in confessing your sins to one another, and I found the truth in that. It is in the Bible for a reason. I learned through fasting times and workouts the importance and reality of dying to your flesh and living by the Spirit. "I beat my body and make it my slave" takes on a whole new meaning after this year.

I got to spend a week in Atlanta ministering to the "least of these" in our own country. I got to talk to homeless men and women, give roses to prostitutes and tell them they're loved and beautiful, pray for healing with people on the streets, pick up tons of trash and clean up the city. I met a woman, who I won't name for privacy reasons...who was rescued off of the streets and is now in ministry school. As she told me her story, she told me how she came to Atlanta because she was a stripper and that's where the clubs were. It turned into drugs, stripping, and prostitution...for 25 years. She asked if I had heard about Princess Night, which is the Atlanta Dream Center's prostitute ministry..and then said, "I was the first princess." She told me how the God she had rejected came to her and she encountered His love and could no longer resist. She was rescued. She now believes she is worthy, beautiful, and a princess daughter of the Most High God...if she can believe that, what is stopping me from believing it? She inspired me. 

 I got to do life with extraordinary people. I have never been around pastors and leaders that love and believe in me so much and want to see me succeed and do what God has made me to do. I have learned so much from them. Pastor Chris. Pastor Mark. Pastor Keith. Brielle Hoffman. Momma Larson. Miss Gina. Pastor Allen. Heidi Spicer. Tracie Snipes. Bronson Moore. My second years: Caroline Johnson, my sweet D-group leader. I love this girl so much. She is one of the most real people I know and I respect her so much. Sarah Parvin, my track leader. She is an incredible leader and she is going to change the world. My peers: Liz, my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. Your love for God and passion for others drive me and make me want to be better. Chelsea. My little red-headed flamer. Your passion and heart inspire me. I love you girls. We'll forever be the three musketeers, no matter if one of us is in India, the other somewhere in Latin America, and the other...well we'll see where you go, you're gonna go far :) My heart will always be with you two girls.

I have gotten to live with some of the most incredible people I have ever known. I lived my first 7 months here with a precious woman named Benita, her daughters, Hedy and Meghan, and her best friend, Amelia. It learned so much being with these beautiful women of God. I saw incredible strength, grace, hope, endurance, forgiveness, and perseverance. They went through so much in my time with them, and ended up losing their house because of an ex husband who decided he didn't care enough to continue making house payments. Miss Benita stayed so strong and still brought forth so much joy. They were way too good to me and did so much for me. I love them dearly and consider them family.

God gave me the spiritual dad that I have always wanted and asked Him for my whole life. He brought me all the way to Birmingham, Alabama to give me the most amazing spiritual dad I could ever ask for. Honestly. He is extraordinary. Him and his wife have changed my life probably more than anyone I have been doing life here with the past 8 months. He has so much wisdom and God speaks through Him all the time. He reads my mail like nobody else can...its seriously like God speaks directly to me through him. Every time. Without fail. He says "You do this... " or, "You're this way..." and every time, "Yep. That's me."

I met Sam and Jackie in October at an outreach they put on with their salon at Children's Hospital. He told me that when we met that night he felt that I was so incredibly anointed, yet so confused and broken...that he felt my heart. I wasn't sure what to think of him then, but my goodness has God used him in incredible ways since then. I have had the incredible honor and privilege of living with Sam and Jackie for the last 7 weeks of my first year in HC. Miss Jackie has changed my life in so many ways as well. She is like another mom to me now. She has incredible wisdom and insight to share. She believes in me and encourages me all the time, they both do. She points me to Jesus and helps me to see what God sees in me and what others see in me, when I can't see it myself and am blinded by insecurities. I learn new lessons everyday living in their home. I treasure each conversation, prayer, and nugget of wisdom they have given me. I've come even more out of my shell since I moved in with them. I'm more confident, express myself more, don't talk in such a quiet voice, and just believe in myself more. Sam says its his job to teach his students how to fend for themselves...and you kind of have to living with them, cause they are absolutely crazy. Ha!

I have watched God do miracles. I have seen a little girl healed of cancer. I am watching God slowly restore mine and my brother's relationship. It has been baby steps, but God is moving, I can feel it and I can see it. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and done things that I wouldn't have ever even considered doing before I got here. I stepped off of a 125 foot cliff. I climbed a 50 foot rock. I preached at a local high school to roughly 150 students. I ran a 13.1 mile half-marathon. I got to lead a small group of ladies. I get to be in a video for iCan bracelets and share my story of overcoming fear. I wrote down a message God gave me that I'm going to be speaking in a chapel service next semester...when there's gonna be a whole stinking lot more new people coming in. And I couldn't be more excited. I get to write devotionals for Switch, one of the most successful youth ministries in the nation. I have had the most incredible adventures since I've been here. My world has been rocked.

I could write a book with all of the things I have learned and experienced, just this year alone. A lot of my stories will end up in my books one day, I'm sure!

I graduate my first year in two weeks and I am so excited for what the future holds. I'm so happy that God has been getting this inferiority, unworthiness crap out of my before I start my second year and am placed in more positions of influence and leadership. I honestly don't know how God is going to top this year, but I know He's going to do incredible things and its only going to get more incredible.
 More change. More stretching. More breaking. More growing. More tears. More lessons. More challenges. More hardships. More trusting. More molding and shaping. More forging and purifying.

My roommate, Brooke, told me awhile back that I haven't changed...I've simply discovered and become who I really was and what God created me to be. I've been this person all along, this person was just buried under a lifetime of fear, rejection, hurt, and insecurities. I've discovered who I am and each day I am becoming more and more of the woman that God created me to be. Every flaw included. Jackie tells me all the time..."You have no reason to be insecure about anything. You have everything going for you. I think you're just awesome." It means so much to me when she says that.

The adventure is only beginning.

A new chapter is about to be written.

Time to surrender the pen and let God write the rest of my story.