My first year of Highlands College is quickly coming to an end. In 3 short weeks, I will be graduating, and in 4 weeks I will be back in Colorado. This is so weird.
I honestly cannot believe that this year is almost over.
It has been the hardest, most challenging, most exhilarating, incredible, God-consumed, beautiful year of my life.
I came here eight months ago with no idea what I was getting myself into.
I knew that my life would look different, but I didn't know it would take a complete, 180 degree turnaround.
I look back at the person I was before I came here, and that person is a stranger. I was so captive. Full of fear. Timidity held me back from doing anything I knew God had called me to do. I didn't know who I was. I had no sense of identity, or I knew in my mind what God said about me, but I sure didn't believe it. I had no purpose or meaning in living. I didn't know what God had purposed me to do. I was full of insecurity and self-doubt. I was bitter towards so many people and still had a lot of forgiveness in my heart. I doubted that I had what it takes to fulfill God's calling on my life. I was living day to day, full of apathy, comfortable, stuck in the rut of routine.
I resisted God for 6 years on moving here to be in Highlands College. I heard Him speak clearly to me my sophomore year of high school that I would be doing 24/7 one day, and I told him "You're crazy. No. No no no no, no no. Not happening. Come up with another plan." Well, 6 years later...here I am. And I have absolutely no doubt that this is exactly where God wants me. It is so clear and so evident, in every small little detail. Everyday is full of a new adventure. I find myself excited to wake up in the morning so I can go and do what God has planned out for me. Before I came here, I dreaded each day.
I got here at the end of August. It is now April.
From there to here, so many things have happened. So many adventures. So many challenges. So many difficult times. So many fun times. Lack of sleep. Incredible God encounters. Life-changing conversations with friends, pastors, leaders, mothers, fathers and students. Moments of facing my fears and coming out victorious. Moments of feeling alone. Countless times where I wanted to give up. Times where I was forced to do things I didn't want to do, and times where I did things I never thought I would be capable of doing. Times of great joy, and times of great sadness. Moments of leadership, moments of following. Learning how to be an effective leader. Learning how to submit to leadership and spiritual authority. Workouts that pushed me harder physically than I have ever been pushed. Not knowing where my next tank of gas would come from, but time after time, seeing God provide for every single one of my needs.
Learning how to be vulnerable, open and honest with people. Being forced outside of my comfort zone, all the time. Learning what it looks like to be a devoted follower of Jesus. Learning discipline. Learning how to serve with a servant's heart and attitude. Learning how to have a "get to" attitude, as opposed to a "have to" attitude. Learning how to see people for where they could be, not necessarily where they are. Never being alone. No dating. No alcohol. No sleep. Growing in the Lord and in spiritual maturity. Learning how to be served and let others serve me. Redefining my idea of what family looks like. Learning to love, and like the person I am, the way I am, the way God created me. Learning to leave the past in the past and look towards the future. Learning that it isn't about what I can or cannot do, but its about doing everything as unto the Lord and giving all of my heart at everything I do...and that's all that really matters.
Realizing that if I wanted "easy", I shouldn't have come to Highlands, which life is never easy and living for Jesus isn't easy, so why would I want any less? Learning what it means to rest in God. Learning what it means to walk in freedom. Learning that it is okay to believe for myself, not just other people. Going from confusion to clarity. Going from brokenness to being made whole. Learning how to be bold and step out and do what God has told me to do, even if it means I have to put myself out in front of others and risk criticism. Learning that it doesn't matter what people say or think, cause my Daddy already approves of me. Realizing that I am not inferior to everyone else. Learning to use my voice and speak up, because I do have a lot to offer and God has given me revelation that other people need to hear.
My eyes have been opened to the fact that I put qualifiers, conditions and buts on everything. "But" needs to be erased from my vocabulary, and that is something I am working toward. I have always looked at the world through a pessimistic, negative lens, but I am learning how to see the light and good in everything. My most recent revelation and lesson: Life isn't made in the easy moments, its made in the difficult moments. The times when you feel like you can't take another step. when you have
no strength left. when you're in so much pain you feel like collapsing.
Its made in the moments where you want to give up, but keep going
because life with Jesus is all about finishing strong. If we don't
finish strong, we sell ourselves short. Jesus finished strong, He was loyal to us and remains loyal to us...no matter what we have done or will ever do. The same needs to be true of us, we must finish strong and emulate the example that our Lord set for us. Testing, hardships, trials, and moments of pressure reveal our character and who we really are. Life is made in the difficult times.
I learned that there is no such thing as a secret and the secrets in our lives need to be exposed to the light, or we are in danger. I confessed a secret that I have held onto and that has held me captive for the past 6 years to my best friend and one of my spiritual authority...and God set me free. There is forgiveness in confessing your sins to God, but there is freedom and healing in confessing your sins to one another, and I found the truth in that. It is in the Bible for a reason. I learned through fasting times and workouts the importance and reality of dying to your flesh and living by the Spirit. "I beat my body and make it my slave" takes on a whole new meaning after this year.
I got to spend a week in Atlanta ministering to the "least of these" in our own country. I got to talk to homeless men and women, give roses to prostitutes and tell them they're loved and beautiful, pray for healing with people on the streets, pick up tons of trash and clean up the city. I met a woman, who I won't name for privacy reasons...who was rescued off of the streets and is now in ministry school. As she told me her story, she told me how she came to Atlanta because she was a stripper and that's where the clubs were. It turned into drugs, stripping, and prostitution...for 25 years. She asked if I had heard about Princess Night, which is the Atlanta Dream Center's prostitute ministry..and then said, "I was the first princess." She told me how the God she had rejected came to her and she encountered His love and could no longer resist. She was rescued. She now believes she is worthy, beautiful, and a princess daughter of the Most High God...if she can believe that, what is stopping me from believing it? She inspired me.
I got to do life with extraordinary people. I have never been around pastors and leaders that love and believe in me so much and want to see me succeed and do what God has made me to do. I have learned so much from them. Pastor Chris. Pastor Mark. Pastor Keith. Brielle Hoffman. Momma Larson. Miss Gina. Pastor Allen. Heidi Spicer. Tracie Snipes. Bronson Moore. My second years: Caroline Johnson, my sweet D-group leader. I love this girl so much. She is one of the most real people I know and I respect her so much. Sarah Parvin, my track leader. She is an incredible leader and she is going to change the world. My peers: Liz, my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. Your love for God and passion for others drive me and make me want to be better. Chelsea. My little red-headed flamer. Your passion and heart inspire me. I love you girls. We'll forever be the three musketeers, no matter if one of us is in India, the other somewhere in Latin America, and the other...well we'll see where you go, you're gonna go far :) My heart will always be with you two girls.
I have gotten to live with some of the most incredible people I have ever known. I lived my first 7 months here with a precious woman named Benita, her daughters, Hedy and Meghan, and her best friend, Amelia. It learned so much being with these beautiful women of God. I saw incredible strength, grace, hope, endurance, forgiveness, and perseverance. They went through so much in my time with them, and ended up losing their house because of an ex husband who decided he didn't care enough to continue making house payments. Miss Benita stayed so strong and still brought forth so much joy. They were way too good to me and did so much for me. I love them dearly and consider them family.
God gave me the spiritual dad that I have always wanted and asked Him for my whole life. He brought me all the way to Birmingham, Alabama to give me the most amazing spiritual dad I could ever ask for. Honestly. He is extraordinary. Him and his wife have changed my life probably more than anyone I have been doing life here with the past 8 months. He has so much wisdom and God speaks through Him all the time. He reads my mail like nobody else can...its seriously like God speaks directly to me through him. Every time. Without fail. He says "You do this... " or, "You're this way..." and every time, "Yep. That's me."
I met Sam and Jackie in October at an outreach they put on with their salon at Children's Hospital. He told me that when we met that night he felt that I was so incredibly anointed, yet so confused and broken...that he felt my heart. I wasn't sure what to think of him then, but my goodness has God used him in incredible ways since then. I have had the incredible honor and privilege of living with Sam and Jackie for the last 7 weeks of my first year in HC. Miss Jackie has changed my life in so many ways as well. She is like another mom to me now. She has incredible wisdom and insight to share. She believes in me and encourages me all the time, they both do. She points me to Jesus and helps me to see what God sees in me and what others see in me, when I can't see it myself and am blinded by insecurities. I learn new lessons everyday living in their home. I treasure each conversation, prayer, and nugget of wisdom they have given me. I've come even more out of my shell since I moved in with them. I'm more confident, express myself more, don't talk in such a quiet voice, and just believe in myself more. Sam says its his job to teach his students how to fend for themselves...and you kind of have to living with them, cause they are absolutely crazy. Ha!
I have watched God do miracles. I have seen a little girl healed of cancer. I am watching God slowly restore mine and my brother's relationship. It has been baby steps, but God is moving, I can feel it and I can see it. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and done things that I wouldn't have ever even considered doing before I got here. I stepped off of a 125 foot cliff. I climbed a 50 foot rock. I preached at a local high school to roughly 150 students. I ran a 13.1 mile half-marathon. I got to lead a small group of ladies. I get to be in a video for iCan bracelets and share my story of overcoming fear. I wrote down a message God gave me that I'm going to be speaking in a chapel service next semester...when there's gonna be a whole stinking lot more new people coming in. And I couldn't be more excited. I get to write devotionals for Switch, one of the most successful youth ministries in the nation. I have had the most incredible adventures since I've been here. My world has been rocked.
I could write a book with all of the things I have learned and experienced, just this year alone. A lot of my stories will end up in my books one day, I'm sure!
I graduate my first year in two weeks and I am so excited for what the future holds. I'm so happy that God has been getting this inferiority, unworthiness crap out of my before I start my second year and am placed in more positions of influence and leadership. I honestly don't know how God is going to top this year, but I know He's going to do incredible things and its only going to get more incredible.
More change. More stretching. More breaking. More growing. More tears. More lessons. More challenges. More hardships. More trusting. More molding and shaping. More forging and purifying.
My roommate, Brooke, told me awhile back that I haven't changed...I've simply discovered and become who I really was and what God created me to be. I've been this person all along, this person was just buried under a lifetime of fear, rejection, hurt, and insecurities. I've discovered who I am and each day I am becoming more and more of the woman that God created me to be. Every flaw included. Jackie tells me all the time..."You have no reason to be insecure about anything. You have everything going for you. I think you're just awesome." It means so much to me when she says that.
The adventure is only beginning.
A new chapter is about to be written.
Time to surrender the pen and let God write the rest of my story.
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