We each have a story.
Life is made up of stories.
What do you do when you get together with family and friends? You tell stories.
What is dinner conversation around the table made up of? Stories.
What do you talk about to that obnoxious person sitting next to you on the plane that you wish would just shut themselves up already? You tell them stories. About yourself. About your family. About your job. About your school. About you embarrassing moments. About the times where your life was changed and impacted the most.
Its how we relate with other people. Its how we come to mutual understanding. Its just what we do.
For some of us, stories have more to do with who we are, not simply what we do.
In fact, I would go as far as to say that stories are indeed, the very DNA of humanity, who we are. Corporately and individually.
Here is a story.
A ridiculous one at that. Completely true though.
I scribbled in a journal on December 21, 2008: "I wanted to die yesterday. There was no reason to live."
My days were hopeless. The darkness around me had finally consumed me. Every part.
I would wake up hopeless, and go to bed hopeless.
The nearest speck of light was miles away. Invisible from my standpoint.
I'd wake up. Through the course of the day I would cut myself several times. Throw up every time I ate. Contemplate suicide. Plan how I would go about escaping. Cry. Wishing I could escape, believing that my only way to freedom was death. Denying myself every source of hope and life.
Broken prayers.
Long journal entries full of words like... "I want to die. I'm done. I cut again. Food is repulsive. Why does everybody hate me and want to leave me alone? I'd be better off dead. Nobody would miss me."
Dramatic Facebook posts, making my hopeless state known to the whole world.
I had labels.
Bulimic. Cutter. Depressed. Suicidal. Failure.
I believed the stories the enemy was telling me and finally took action in agreement with them.
Here's a story.
A ridiculous one at that. Completely true though.
January 8th, 2009.
I sit on the floor in my bedroom.
I have decided that life is no longer worth living. I can't win the battles I'm facing. I can't escape without the escape of death. Its time.
My pink razor blade in my right hand.
"God. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep trying and failing to get out any longer. I'm done. I'm sorry. If you want me to live, you have to show me life is worth living RIGHT NOW, or its all over."
In that moment, the presence of God invades my bedroom in the most tangible way I had ever experienced it before.
A pressure forces my hand down and the razor blade to the ground. I let go.
I fall apart in the arms of the One who had come to rescue me. He came to me, in my darkest moment, when I wasn't even looking for Him.
He began to speak life, freedom, joy, hope and purpose over me.
The chains of 6 months of complete bondage fell off in one moment.
I was free.
Redeemed.
From the ashes my life had been burned into, came beauty. I lit the match that set my life on fire, burning it into ashes...but God still proved Himself big enough and good enough to turn it into something beautiful.
Here's a story.
A ridiculous one at that. Completely true through.
Its been four years since the day that Jesus came to my rescue and broke all of my chains.
Jesus has taken me on a road that I could have never dreamed of, and the dreams He has for my life go far beyond anything I would have deemed myself "worthy" or "capable" of doing.
I have the incredible honor of being in full time ministry.
Something I fought God on for years. I told Him I would do anything but ministry. That didn't last long.
My mom tells me how before I was born, my dad wanted to get snipped, but after praying, God told her that He had one more for them. And that was me. She told me that she believes my calling goes far beyond any of my brothers or sisters. That I was born to change the world. Literally.
My entire life has been a battle between light and dark.
The enemy and his relentless attacks to try and take me out, as he is scared to death of what God has placed inside of me.
And my Father. His relentless pursuit of my heart, soul, attention, affection, and my will to be exchanged for His.
Every time the enemy though he was close to winning. Each time I thought he was close to winning. My Father came in and proved that He had already won the battle, swept me up into His arms, into His love, and into His greater purposes for my life.
I am called to write books. To travel. To speak to large groups of women. To rescue girls from sex trafficking. To adopt babies. To have countless spiritual children. To bring the Kingdom of Heaven on earth.
Isaiah 61:1-3 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise, instead of a spirit of despair."
This is my life's calling. Purpose. Dreams. Big. Almost too big. I definitely wouldn't have come up with these dreams by myself.
I hated women. Now all I think about is women's ministry.
I was petrified of public speaking. Now I see myself on stage, speaking, all the time.
I wanted to deliver babies. Ministry was never on my radar.
I certainly didn't feel equipped, worthy, or good enough to be chosen for the plans God has laid out for me.
Here's a story.
A ridiculous one at that. Completely true through.
Two thousand some years ago, an average young girl named Mary, had an extraordinary encounter with God.
An angel appeared to her. Perhaps she was sleeping. Perhaps she was collecting water. Perhaps she was baking bread for her family. Perhaps she was planning her wedding to her promised fiance, Joseph.
Luke 1:28-33, "The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
An average, teenage girl. And God called her to be the mother of His one and only Son.
I'd say that's pretty extraordinary.
Mary's response?
Verse 34...“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
Me? No way. "I'm a virgin." She took something, not bad at all, actually a good thing, and used it as the reason for what she thought she wasn't the right girl for the job.
Her own ability wasn't enough to carry out what the angel had said to her.
How many times do we do that?
God calls us to do something, and yet, we don't think we can do it, and so we question Him.
"But God. Let's be reasonable here. Me? I'm too shy. I'm too broken. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not good enough. I had a baby when I was 18...my life is over. I was raped. I had an eating disorder. I'm insecure. I'm afraid. I don't know enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not __________ enough."
You fill in the blank.
What is it that you don't think you are enough of?
I guarantee you that God sees you as fully fit for the job.
He didn't use the fact that Mary was a virgin to limit her from having His baby. In fact, He chose her because of it. Her weakness. His strength.
Let's keep reading.
Luke 1:35-37, "The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”
Notice how the angel didn't give her a list of what she had to do in order to be eligible or good enough for the calling God created her for?
No, no.
"The power of the Most High will overshadow you...no word from God will ever fail."
She didn't have to do anything to qualify herself for her calling. She was already qualified because God made her with that specific purpose in mind.
God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called.
She simply had to be.
To rest in what God had made her for. To believe. To walk in her destiny. Knowing she was born to carry the Son of God. Accepting it, even though it would be the hardest possible thing He could ask of her.
And that was exactly what she did. What was her response?
"...Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true. And the angel left her...” (vs. 38)
When she knew that she didn't have to make it happen. The fact that God's calling on her life had nothing to do with her ability, and everything to do with His power...she knew that whatever He said was Truth and would happen, if she was willing. All God needed was a willing and obedient heart to carry out His plan.
What if we were so willing? What if we had the kind of faith that Mary had? Accepting God's call, knowing that it wouldn't be easy.
Imagine having to explain to your parents. To your fiance.
"See. I'm pregnant. But the baby isn't mine. It's God's. He just sort of...dropped it inside of me."
They must have thought she had lost her marbles. No wonder Joseph planned to divorce her.
A baby? Born to a virgin? Yeah. Right. Not in the book of natural, human possibility.
But it was in God's book.
How hard must have it been for Mary?
Your parents don't believe you. You're a shame to the family.
Your fiance doesn't believe you. He's considering having you stoned. But decides to divorce you instead.
Your church just sees you as the knocked up teenage slut.
The town is embarassed of you.
But.
God is pleased with you.
God looks on you with delight.
God says, "That's my girl. She's the one I want. Jesus, go. Its time."
We must remember the promises of our Father God.
He said that He would never leave us or forsake us.
He said that you are His masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which He created in advance for you to do. For you to do. Nobody else.
He said that we would face trouble, but He has overcome the world.
He said that if we are willing and humble, He would exalt us.
He said that we are hidden in Christ and seated with Him in the heavenly realms.
He promised. Promised. That He would be with us until the end.
My precious friend, Jordan (you can find her at justacupofjo.com), wrote a song. She sent it to me a few months ago and I stumbled upon it tonight. Listened to it. And the Lord stirred my heart to write this.
A part of the song describes the incredible promises of our God:
"When you say 'Come', I will follow your lead. I will walk through the
river if You tell me to. And I know that You will be right beside me,
Lord, You will not let me drown. You are faithful. You're never leaving.
I'll say yes to all that You ask of me."
I will walk through the river if You tell me to.
I know that You are right beside me.
You will not let me drown.
You are faithful.
You are never leaving.
I will say yes to all that You ask of me.
My precious Jordan has the faith of Mary. The willing heart of Mary. I have watched her walk through the deepest valleys, where it seemed like God had forgotten or left her. But she kept walking through. Kept believing that God was right there with her, that He arms were at the end of the valley, waiting to pull her out. She didn't say "I can't". She said, "God, You can."
What would our churches look like if we all had the kind of faith Mary had?
The faith that said, "I don't care how hard it gets. You called me. You are with me. And that's all that matters."
What would our world look like?
I imagine it would be a world more drawn to the loving heart of Jesus.
Mary had a song in her heart that was recorded for all of history to take part in.
A song of salvation.
A song of hope.
A song of redemption.
A song of peace.
A song of faith.
“Oh, how my soul praises the Lord. How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior! For he took notice of his lowly servant girl, and from now on all generations will call me blessed. For the Mighty One is holy, and he has done great things for me..." (vs.46-49)
This story might seem ridiculous. Absurd, even. But it is completely true.
And it can be true in your life, just as it is in mine.
God can take the most broken of lives, and give them the highest of callings.
He knows that the most broken lives will give Him the most glory in the end. For they know that none of their accomplishments or glories came from their own strength or abilities, but from the mighty power of God that rests upon them.
You might be broken.
But you are chosen.
You are called.
You are enough.
You were created for greatness and to display the glory of our God to this world.
We see it in the songs of the season. Purpose. Everywhere.
"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till' He appeared and the soul felt its worth."
God has come. Emmanuel. God with us. And He gives you ultimate worth. He makes you worthy of the call.
Life is made up of stories.
What will your story be?
Friday, December 21, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
dear heart...
Dear Heart,
Why do you forget so easily the faithfulness of your God?
Why, at the first sign of trouble, heartache, confusion, loss of control, and hardships-do you go into "I must fix this" mode. And if you can't find a solution, you worry yourself to pieces. Why?
You know to trust God.
You know He is bigger than anything you will ever face.
You know He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.
And that is you. Even though sometimes you don't feel like you are called. You are. According to His purpose.
This is just a bump in the road. A chance to trust God and gain more character that will sustain you through the race and give you strength to endure till the end.
Look back and remember where your Father has brought you from, and how He has taken care of you your entire life.
Remember when you were only a child, and your daddy left your family? No love or support. There one day, gone the next. How you never learned to trust in a father because he damaged that image at such a young age. Your heavenly Father held you and took care of you since before you were born. Your daddy was never perfect. He was a man. You Father is not a man and He can, and will never fail you. He will always take care of you.
Remember when you were addicted to prescription drugs and one night He set you free? Remember how much joy filled your heart when you asked Jesus to be Lord of your life? How have you forgotten what that felt like?
Remember when you would squat down in front of the toilet to throw up, multiple times a day, everyday for six months. Those times you would lay on the bathroom floor and weep? Your Father was holding you. Drying every tear.
Remember the night you held a razor in your hand, getting ready to take the precious life God gave you...and how He intervened on your behalf and forced you to put it down, speaking His love in a way that was more real and tangible than you had ever known before? How that night He healed you from an eating disorder, depression, cutting addiction, and a suicidal desire...and set in your heart eternal, unspeakable joy? Have you forgotten?
Don't you remember when He gave you your first car, for free? And when that broke, how He provided a way it to get fixed? Then when it gave out completely, remember how He sent someone to buy it, and the day you prayed for a new car to come that day, He led you to the exact one you needed at the time?
Remember last year when your bank account was near empty and a perfect stranger gave you a check for $200? And how money would come from random places and people in the mail? How when you didn't know where the next tank of gas was going to come from, He always made a way and you never ran out?
Remember how this summer, you needed a doctor but didn't have money, He made a way for you to see one at the dream center, even though they were booked up for the next three months. Have you forgotten?
Remember how your sister was given three months to live, and God healed her? He is the God of the impossibles.
Remember how He healed your immune system after an entire year of being sick as the result of bulimia? He works miracles.
Remember how you asked for years for God to give you a spiritual father, and two months after moving to Alabama, He gave you the best man in the world to fill that spot? He is faithful.
Remember, dear heart. Don't forget the ways He has taken care of you. Don't focus on what is not here right now, focus on what you do have. You might be uncomfortable, taken to inconvenience, frustrated, angry, sad...but you must never allow that to get in the way of your faith. You must always remember the faithfulness of your God.
He has never failed you. Has He? Not once. And He never will.
Stand on the rock. Don't let your faith sink into the sand and the waves crashing around you.
You are stronger than the way you have been acting.
Stop it.
Be done.
Your Father has got you. There's no need to fret, sweetheart.
God is using your present challenges to strengthen you for greater conquests in your future.
Don't let the enemy fill you with discouragement and doubt.
The enemy only comes to steal, kill and destroy.
Don't let him.
Bind his lies. Loose faith.
Don't take his junk as your own any longer. Take up your shield and fight. Take captive every thought.
Your Father has provided. He is providing. And He will provide.
He has been faithful. He is faithful. And He will be faithful till the end.
Believe. Simply trust and believe.
You might not feel deserving or worthy to receive His love, blessing and provisions- but you are.
He wants to bless you. You just have to trust.
Open your hands. Stop clinging so tightly to something you can't do anything about. Let go. And keep your hands open so that you may receive when He sees fit to pour out.
Your Father loves you, sweet heart.
There's no need to fret.
Be still.
Be still and know that He is God. You are His child. You are His. He's got you.
Remember.
Never forget.
Why do you forget so easily the faithfulness of your God?
Why, at the first sign of trouble, heartache, confusion, loss of control, and hardships-do you go into "I must fix this" mode. And if you can't find a solution, you worry yourself to pieces. Why?
You know to trust God.
You know He is bigger than anything you will ever face.
You know He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose.
And that is you. Even though sometimes you don't feel like you are called. You are. According to His purpose.
This is just a bump in the road. A chance to trust God and gain more character that will sustain you through the race and give you strength to endure till the end.
Look back and remember where your Father has brought you from, and how He has taken care of you your entire life.
Remember when you were only a child, and your daddy left your family? No love or support. There one day, gone the next. How you never learned to trust in a father because he damaged that image at such a young age. Your heavenly Father held you and took care of you since before you were born. Your daddy was never perfect. He was a man. You Father is not a man and He can, and will never fail you. He will always take care of you.
Remember when you were addicted to prescription drugs and one night He set you free? Remember how much joy filled your heart when you asked Jesus to be Lord of your life? How have you forgotten what that felt like?
Remember when you would squat down in front of the toilet to throw up, multiple times a day, everyday for six months. Those times you would lay on the bathroom floor and weep? Your Father was holding you. Drying every tear.
Remember the night you held a razor in your hand, getting ready to take the precious life God gave you...and how He intervened on your behalf and forced you to put it down, speaking His love in a way that was more real and tangible than you had ever known before? How that night He healed you from an eating disorder, depression, cutting addiction, and a suicidal desire...and set in your heart eternal, unspeakable joy? Have you forgotten?
Don't you remember when He gave you your first car, for free? And when that broke, how He provided a way it to get fixed? Then when it gave out completely, remember how He sent someone to buy it, and the day you prayed for a new car to come that day, He led you to the exact one you needed at the time?
Remember last year when your bank account was near empty and a perfect stranger gave you a check for $200? And how money would come from random places and people in the mail? How when you didn't know where the next tank of gas was going to come from, He always made a way and you never ran out?
Remember how this summer, you needed a doctor but didn't have money, He made a way for you to see one at the dream center, even though they were booked up for the next three months. Have you forgotten?
Remember how your sister was given three months to live, and God healed her? He is the God of the impossibles.
Remember how He healed your immune system after an entire year of being sick as the result of bulimia? He works miracles.
Remember how you asked for years for God to give you a spiritual father, and two months after moving to Alabama, He gave you the best man in the world to fill that spot? He is faithful.
Remember, dear heart. Don't forget the ways He has taken care of you. Don't focus on what is not here right now, focus on what you do have. You might be uncomfortable, taken to inconvenience, frustrated, angry, sad...but you must never allow that to get in the way of your faith. You must always remember the faithfulness of your God.
He has never failed you. Has He? Not once. And He never will.
Stand on the rock. Don't let your faith sink into the sand and the waves crashing around you.
You are stronger than the way you have been acting.
Stop it.
Be done.
Your Father has got you. There's no need to fret, sweetheart.
God is using your present challenges to strengthen you for greater conquests in your future.
Don't let the enemy fill you with discouragement and doubt.
The enemy only comes to steal, kill and destroy.
Don't let him.
Bind his lies. Loose faith.
Don't take his junk as your own any longer. Take up your shield and fight. Take captive every thought.
Your Father has provided. He is providing. And He will provide.
He has been faithful. He is faithful. And He will be faithful till the end.
Believe. Simply trust and believe.
You might not feel deserving or worthy to receive His love, blessing and provisions- but you are.
He wants to bless you. You just have to trust.
Open your hands. Stop clinging so tightly to something you can't do anything about. Let go. And keep your hands open so that you may receive when He sees fit to pour out.
Your Father loves you, sweet heart.
There's no need to fret.
Be still.
Be still and know that He is God. You are His child. You are His. He's got you.
Remember.
Never forget.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
be.
I have not written in almost 5 months.
I go into my times of prayer and I am left speechless. Not because I am overwhelmed, but because I don't know what to say.
I don't read my Bible as often as I should.
I get distracted during worship and my mind wanders.
Even though loving the Lord has always been a choice, in this place I am in right now and have been stuck in for quite some time, it is really a choice. Because I don't feel it. I have to daily, moment by moment, make an intentional decision to love, follow, fellowship with, and serve the Lord.
Psalm 23:4 says, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
I am in the darkest valley.
A valley where I can't see, hear, or feel the Lord.
I know He is there.
Here.
With me.
Emmanuel. God with me.
I know it. But I can't feel it.
My heart has been so discouraged by this season. I can't remember the last time I walked through this kind of valley. I miss the intimacy I once had with my sweet Jesus, my Father, and my best friend...the Holy Spirit.
But yet my heart knows that while I can't feel Him as I once did. His presence has never been more real, more tangible, more with me than in the dark and dry season of the heart.
A couple weeks ago I was in the Highlands College offices doing some admissions work, and getting ready to leave. I was going to walk straight to my car and go home, but for some reason I really felt like I needed to talk to Coach Tim about what has been going on. Coach loves prayer like I have never seen anyone love prayer.
I knocked on his door. "Got a minute, Coach?"
He made a joke about how he was gonna be there all day and though he could squeeze a few minutes in for me. Ha!
I sat down in one of the chairs across from his desk.
"Coach. I've lost my passion and love for prayer. I sit there and I'm like...God, I want to talk to you, but I don't know what to say to You. How do you fall in love with prayer again?"
He asks me a question. "How do you know I love you?"
I think. Crap. I don't know how to answer that. I stumble around my words.
"Cause the way you talk to me. How I know you pray for me. The fact that you're taking time to talk to me and help me. I just know."
He asked me, "Was there any doubt in your mind that I was going to tell you I didn't have time to talk, that I would tell you that I was too busy for you?"
Honestly, I wanted to say "Yes." I wasn't really sure. I thought maybe he would be too busy.
"No sir.", I replied.
"Do you think there's ever a time when God would say to you, 'Gosh, I've just got too much on my plate right now. I don't have time to talk to you.'?", He asked me,
I laughed and said no, that's absurd.
He told me about how in his times of prayer he will take different approaches and talk to God in different ways.
He asked me where God was.
Here. Everywhere.
There was an empty chair next to me. He looks at the chair intently, and starts saying how sometimes he sits with an empty chair directly across from him and pretends that God is sitting in that chair, because realistically, He is.
He says, "Lord, what would You have me to say to Kasey right now?"
Silence.
Coach looks at me and begins to speak.
"He says He misses His time with you. He says He sees you, that He is with you. That He loves you."
He looks back at the chair. "Sir?"
"He says He thinks you're beautiful. He misses hearing the sweet sound of your voice."
"Sir?"
"He says He just wants to be with you and share a love relationship with you."
Coach asks me what I would like to say to Him.
"Right now?", I manage to say through my pouring tears.
"Yes. Right now."
I cry for a minute and wait.
"I miss you too. I miss spending time with you. I miss the way it used to be."
"You see, sweetheart? Its that easy. Prayer is just talking to God, as if He was sitting right next to you."
I realized in that moment that when you truly love someone, talking to them is not a challenge.
I have lost my love relationship with the Lord.
I have neglected to spend time with Him, daily in His presence.
I have forgotten what it means to have a relationship with God.
Its not about what I'm doing.
I'm not going through a dry season because I don't read my Bible, or the fact that I get distracted in worship, or that I find it difficult to pray. No. There is a much deeper reason.
Its a heart issue.
I have been walking through this darkest valley because I have forgotten what it means to simply love the Lord.
I have forgotten the art of sitting in His presence and just being still, open, real, and raw before Him.
I have let my mind, will and emotions get in the way of my spirit connecting with His Spirit.
Its all about living a Spirit led life. I have never fully understood what that means until a recent revelation that I was given.
Life, in every aspect, is all about perspective.
When we live a life that is controlled by the soul, which is our mind, will and emotions, our perspective is being shaped by our past, our feelings, our thoughts, our relationships, circumstances, and our worldview.
When we live a life controlled by the soul, our perspective is skewed. We are looking through a broken lens.
When we live a life led by the Spirit, it has nothing to do with us. It is completely dependent on God and who He is. It is Truth, regardless of what is going on inside of or around us. It brings clarity and gives us a perfect lens through which we can look through.
I am in the darkest valley because I have starved my spirit, and denied the Holy Spirit from having access to my life.
It is time to be intentional with my love relationship with the Lord.
My heart and my affections belong to Jesus.
God doesn't feel distant because He has distanced Himself. He feel distant because I have slowly distanced myself from His arms.
I've found myself in a place of just wanting to be in His arms, and needing to be in His arms, but His arms are hiding.
About a month ago we went on Highlands College Expedition. The last part of this weekend was to go a mile into a cave and in that place we would turn off all of the lights and spend time in worship together.
As soon as Pastor Layne finished talking to us about finishing strong, building character, how character is made in the hard times of life where you want to give up...we cut out all the lights. Complete and utter darkness. It felt a lot like my spiritual life has felt for the past few months.
We began to worship.
"My whole life is Yours. I give it all. Surrendered to Your way. And forever I will pray, 'Have Your way. Have Your way!'"
I meant every word I was singing.
My whole life. Every day. Every moment. Every thought. Every action. Every word. Everything. His.
I felt His arms. I felt His presence, flowing through that place like a wave, but I couldn't see anything.
I have been in the darkest valley where I worship and seek Him, but I can't see Him and have no concept of what is around me because if feels so dark.
But the darkness cannot consume the light of God that lives inside of me.
I was born to live as a child of the light.
A child of God.
This season is over. I am ready to walk in an intimate, in tune with the Spirit, love relationship with the Lord again.
No more falling behind. No more ignoring His leading. No more half-hearted Christianity.
I'm going all in.
I'm burning my boats.
I'm burning the bridges that lead back to my old life.
I'm burning the maps that lead to the routes of escape.
I'm running with all that is inside of me towards the One whom my heart and soul loves.
I'm diving into all that He has planned for me. I'm going all in.
Numbers 14:24 "But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it."
The rest of the Israelites missed out on the promised land and had to wait 40 years until the generation died off to inherit that land, but God promised to Caleb that he would surely see the promised land.
Let's be people that follow the Lord with the different spirit, ones that follow Him wholeheartedly into what He has laid out before us.
There is no higher calling or honor than living out the plans and purposed that God calls us into.
Be still and know that He is God. Rest in Him. Simply sit in His presence and just be.
Learn with me, once again, the art of being still and just loving the Lord.
Its not about doing, its about being.
Be.
I go into my times of prayer and I am left speechless. Not because I am overwhelmed, but because I don't know what to say.
I don't read my Bible as often as I should.
I get distracted during worship and my mind wanders.
Even though loving the Lord has always been a choice, in this place I am in right now and have been stuck in for quite some time, it is really a choice. Because I don't feel it. I have to daily, moment by moment, make an intentional decision to love, follow, fellowship with, and serve the Lord.
Psalm 23:4 says, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
I am in the darkest valley.
A valley where I can't see, hear, or feel the Lord.
I know He is there.
Here.
With me.
Emmanuel. God with me.
I know it. But I can't feel it.
My heart has been so discouraged by this season. I can't remember the last time I walked through this kind of valley. I miss the intimacy I once had with my sweet Jesus, my Father, and my best friend...the Holy Spirit.
But yet my heart knows that while I can't feel Him as I once did. His presence has never been more real, more tangible, more with me than in the dark and dry season of the heart.
A couple weeks ago I was in the Highlands College offices doing some admissions work, and getting ready to leave. I was going to walk straight to my car and go home, but for some reason I really felt like I needed to talk to Coach Tim about what has been going on. Coach loves prayer like I have never seen anyone love prayer.
I knocked on his door. "Got a minute, Coach?"
He made a joke about how he was gonna be there all day and though he could squeeze a few minutes in for me. Ha!
I sat down in one of the chairs across from his desk.
"Coach. I've lost my passion and love for prayer. I sit there and I'm like...God, I want to talk to you, but I don't know what to say to You. How do you fall in love with prayer again?"
He asks me a question. "How do you know I love you?"
I think. Crap. I don't know how to answer that. I stumble around my words.
"Cause the way you talk to me. How I know you pray for me. The fact that you're taking time to talk to me and help me. I just know."
He asked me, "Was there any doubt in your mind that I was going to tell you I didn't have time to talk, that I would tell you that I was too busy for you?"
Honestly, I wanted to say "Yes." I wasn't really sure. I thought maybe he would be too busy.
"No sir.", I replied.
"Do you think there's ever a time when God would say to you, 'Gosh, I've just got too much on my plate right now. I don't have time to talk to you.'?", He asked me,
I laughed and said no, that's absurd.
He told me about how in his times of prayer he will take different approaches and talk to God in different ways.
He asked me where God was.
Here. Everywhere.
There was an empty chair next to me. He looks at the chair intently, and starts saying how sometimes he sits with an empty chair directly across from him and pretends that God is sitting in that chair, because realistically, He is.
He says, "Lord, what would You have me to say to Kasey right now?"
Silence.
Coach looks at me and begins to speak.
"He says He misses His time with you. He says He sees you, that He is with you. That He loves you."
He looks back at the chair. "Sir?"
"He says He thinks you're beautiful. He misses hearing the sweet sound of your voice."
"Sir?"
"He says He just wants to be with you and share a love relationship with you."
Coach asks me what I would like to say to Him.
"Right now?", I manage to say through my pouring tears.
"Yes. Right now."
I cry for a minute and wait.
"I miss you too. I miss spending time with you. I miss the way it used to be."
"You see, sweetheart? Its that easy. Prayer is just talking to God, as if He was sitting right next to you."
I realized in that moment that when you truly love someone, talking to them is not a challenge.
I have lost my love relationship with the Lord.
I have neglected to spend time with Him, daily in His presence.
I have forgotten what it means to have a relationship with God.
Its not about what I'm doing.
I'm not going through a dry season because I don't read my Bible, or the fact that I get distracted in worship, or that I find it difficult to pray. No. There is a much deeper reason.
Its a heart issue.
I have been walking through this darkest valley because I have forgotten what it means to simply love the Lord.
I have forgotten the art of sitting in His presence and just being still, open, real, and raw before Him.
I have let my mind, will and emotions get in the way of my spirit connecting with His Spirit.
Its all about living a Spirit led life. I have never fully understood what that means until a recent revelation that I was given.
Life, in every aspect, is all about perspective.
When we live a life that is controlled by the soul, which is our mind, will and emotions, our perspective is being shaped by our past, our feelings, our thoughts, our relationships, circumstances, and our worldview.
When we live a life controlled by the soul, our perspective is skewed. We are looking through a broken lens.
When we live a life led by the Spirit, it has nothing to do with us. It is completely dependent on God and who He is. It is Truth, regardless of what is going on inside of or around us. It brings clarity and gives us a perfect lens through which we can look through.
I am in the darkest valley because I have starved my spirit, and denied the Holy Spirit from having access to my life.
It is time to be intentional with my love relationship with the Lord.
My heart and my affections belong to Jesus.
God doesn't feel distant because He has distanced Himself. He feel distant because I have slowly distanced myself from His arms.
I've found myself in a place of just wanting to be in His arms, and needing to be in His arms, but His arms are hiding.
About a month ago we went on Highlands College Expedition. The last part of this weekend was to go a mile into a cave and in that place we would turn off all of the lights and spend time in worship together.
As soon as Pastor Layne finished talking to us about finishing strong, building character, how character is made in the hard times of life where you want to give up...we cut out all the lights. Complete and utter darkness. It felt a lot like my spiritual life has felt for the past few months.
We began to worship.
"My whole life is Yours. I give it all. Surrendered to Your way. And forever I will pray, 'Have Your way. Have Your way!'"
I meant every word I was singing.
My whole life. Every day. Every moment. Every thought. Every action. Every word. Everything. His.
I felt His arms. I felt His presence, flowing through that place like a wave, but I couldn't see anything.
I have been in the darkest valley where I worship and seek Him, but I can't see Him and have no concept of what is around me because if feels so dark.
But the darkness cannot consume the light of God that lives inside of me.
I was born to live as a child of the light.
A child of God.
This season is over. I am ready to walk in an intimate, in tune with the Spirit, love relationship with the Lord again.
No more falling behind. No more ignoring His leading. No more half-hearted Christianity.
I'm going all in.
I'm burning my boats.
I'm burning the bridges that lead back to my old life.
I'm burning the maps that lead to the routes of escape.
I'm running with all that is inside of me towards the One whom my heart and soul loves.
I'm diving into all that He has planned for me. I'm going all in.
Numbers 14:24 "But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it."
The rest of the Israelites missed out on the promised land and had to wait 40 years until the generation died off to inherit that land, but God promised to Caleb that he would surely see the promised land.
Let's be people that follow the Lord with the different spirit, ones that follow Him wholeheartedly into what He has laid out before us.
There is no higher calling or honor than living out the plans and purposed that God calls us into.
Be still and know that He is God. Rest in Him. Simply sit in His presence and just be.
Learn with me, once again, the art of being still and just loving the Lord.
Its not about doing, its about being.
Be.
Friday, July 6, 2012
covering up flaws and hiding behind masks
God is taking me on a new journey. A scary one. I have been arguing with Him for the past two hours, trying to find a way to talk my way out of it, but He is more stubborn than me and has made up His mind.
Let's chat.
The past week I have been struggling.
I have had a lot of insecure, "I feel gross", want to puke when I look in the mirror moments. Not good, I know. Its been awhile since I have struggled with this stuff, and it hasn't been fun.
I have never fully been able to accept myself for who God created me to be.
I hate my face without makeup.
In my opinion, it can be likened to that of a naked mole rat. Beautiful, right? Not so much.
My home sponsor, Jackie, probably told me 100 times, "Honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look. You have everything going for you."
I would say "Thank you." and nod in agreement, but I never believed her.
What comes to my mind when I look in the mirror, more often than not, the word that comes to my mind is rarely anything close to "beautiful."
God tells me in His Word that I am...beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, all lovely, made in His image...but the thing is...I have never been able to believe that.
I'm being open, honest, vulnerable, real and raw with you right now, dear reader, whoever you are, in hopes that my journey and struggles can help you overcome yours.
The truth is that I love makeup. Ever since I was allowed to start wearing it (at 16)...I have been addicted. There is something about putting on some music in the morning, or whatever part of the day, and applying my "face"..as I call it...and making myself at least feel beautiful, fresh, and free.
It makes me feel confident and covers up my flaws and insecurities. I never leave the house without it. Not even when I'm going running or to the gym. Sad, I know.
Here's the funny thing.
Today I texted a good friend of mine and told her that I have gotten to the point where I no longer share my struggles with others because I don't want to put burdens on them or be a life-sucking friend. I want to give life, so I don't share my battles. I wear masks. I pretend everything is okay, even when its not. I feel, especially in a position of leadership, that I'm somehow not allowed to have struggles or weaknesses, and if I do...well I better not show it or let anybody know cause that would ruin my image.
What kind of horrible lies are those? Straight from the pit of hell is what they are.
Tonight was one of those nights where I so longed to sit at the kitchen table and spend hours talking heart matters and struggles with Sam and Jackie over a cup of coffee...My goodness, how I miss those times so much.
I don't want to get to the place of wearing masks and covering up all the time again. I just got to the point a few months ago where I felt comfortable sharing my heart, weaknesses and all, with others. No more masks, no more walls, just me, and that's enough.
I have also received conviction from the Holy Spirit that I need to deal with my insecurities and self-hate before I step into more positions of leadership as a 2nd year in Highlands College. One role in particular which is going to be the most important. I will get to act as a D-Group leader and have a group of about 6 first year girls under me, discipling and pouring myself into them...and I DO NOT want to project an image of insecurity and worthlessness to them and make them think that it is okay to think this way about themselves, because it is not okay. I already love these girls more than words can say, even though I haven't met them (except for one precious girl, Jordan)... and I want the best for them. You do what your see, right? I want them to see confidence and security in their leader. I have to deal with my problems with this before I get there.
Tonight, I stumbled upon a blog via a post I saw on Twitter. I perused her blog and found her posts on a makeup fast that she is embarking on and in the early stages of. (www.melissajenna.com) Well, posted a link to a Facebook group she had created for women who wanted to join, partially join, or follow her journey with a fresh face for 40 days. I went on and felt the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart, "I want you to do this."
"WHAT?! No God, NO. Absolutely not. You.Are.Crazy. I'm not doing it. I did it once for a week when You basically forced me to, and that was long enough. 40? No. Not happening. Sorry."
That sounds a lot like what I told Him 6 years ago about me doing 24/7...and look where that got me. I'm in my second year now. Ha! He is even more stubborn about things than I am.
I argued Him for an hour. Gave Him every rational reason I could come up with.
1. "Aly is in town...I want to take pictures with her! Not without makeup, nope!" "Darling, Aly doesn't wear makeup. You know the talks you two have had about this subject. She would side with me." Dang it. 2. "I have PCOS. My ovaries won't allow me...my face freaks out when my hormones go crazy. What am I gonna do when my face is covered with acne?" "Trust me." Ugh. Fine. 3. "But. But. But....I have no reason not to submit."
The more I argued and debated the idea with Him, the stronger I felt the need to do it.
I made my decision, even though it kills me to do so, that I am going to go the next 40 days without makeup. No makeup up until the day I leave to move back to Alabama for my second year of Highlands College. I took my makeup off tonight for the last time until I leave.
Lord help me. I am petrified. Sick to my stomach? Yes. Definitely.
This is more than just a makeup addiction. This is me revealing my heart for other to see. Raw and real. This is me taking off the mask I have worn for so many years to hide who I really am. No more hiding. I won't hide who God created me to be any longer. I'm done. This is more than outer beauty, this is inner beauty. As I embark on my quest to discover and believe in the beauty God has given me, I seek to allow God to shape my heart into something more beautiful and lovely.
This will quite possibly be one of the most difficult journeys I have ever been asked to walk, but I know my Father will be with me every step of the way, every weak moment, when I fail, when I question my strength...His arms are right there for me to fall into.
These verses will be my anthem for the next 40 days.
Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Song of Songs 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, there is NO flaw in you."
Romans 9:20 "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'"
Song of Songs 2:2 “As the lily among the thorns, so is my love among the daughters.”
And this song has been, and will continue to be my anthem. "When I don't understand, I will choose You."
Let's chat.
The past week I have been struggling.
I have had a lot of insecure, "I feel gross", want to puke when I look in the mirror moments. Not good, I know. Its been awhile since I have struggled with this stuff, and it hasn't been fun.
I have never fully been able to accept myself for who God created me to be.
I hate my face without makeup.
In my opinion, it can be likened to that of a naked mole rat. Beautiful, right? Not so much.
My home sponsor, Jackie, probably told me 100 times, "Honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look. You have everything going for you."
I would say "Thank you." and nod in agreement, but I never believed her.
What comes to my mind when I look in the mirror, more often than not, the word that comes to my mind is rarely anything close to "beautiful."
God tells me in His Word that I am...beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, all lovely, made in His image...but the thing is...I have never been able to believe that.
I'm being open, honest, vulnerable, real and raw with you right now, dear reader, whoever you are, in hopes that my journey and struggles can help you overcome yours.
The truth is that I love makeup. Ever since I was allowed to start wearing it (at 16)...I have been addicted. There is something about putting on some music in the morning, or whatever part of the day, and applying my "face"..as I call it...and making myself at least feel beautiful, fresh, and free.
It makes me feel confident and covers up my flaws and insecurities. I never leave the house without it. Not even when I'm going running or to the gym. Sad, I know.
Here's the funny thing.
Today I texted a good friend of mine and told her that I have gotten to the point where I no longer share my struggles with others because I don't want to put burdens on them or be a life-sucking friend. I want to give life, so I don't share my battles. I wear masks. I pretend everything is okay, even when its not. I feel, especially in a position of leadership, that I'm somehow not allowed to have struggles or weaknesses, and if I do...well I better not show it or let anybody know cause that would ruin my image.
What kind of horrible lies are those? Straight from the pit of hell is what they are.
Tonight was one of those nights where I so longed to sit at the kitchen table and spend hours talking heart matters and struggles with Sam and Jackie over a cup of coffee...My goodness, how I miss those times so much.
I don't want to get to the place of wearing masks and covering up all the time again. I just got to the point a few months ago where I felt comfortable sharing my heart, weaknesses and all, with others. No more masks, no more walls, just me, and that's enough.
I have also received conviction from the Holy Spirit that I need to deal with my insecurities and self-hate before I step into more positions of leadership as a 2nd year in Highlands College. One role in particular which is going to be the most important. I will get to act as a D-Group leader and have a group of about 6 first year girls under me, discipling and pouring myself into them...and I DO NOT want to project an image of insecurity and worthlessness to them and make them think that it is okay to think this way about themselves, because it is not okay. I already love these girls more than words can say, even though I haven't met them (except for one precious girl, Jordan)... and I want the best for them. You do what your see, right? I want them to see confidence and security in their leader. I have to deal with my problems with this before I get there.
Tonight, I stumbled upon a blog via a post I saw on Twitter. I perused her blog and found her posts on a makeup fast that she is embarking on and in the early stages of. (www.melissajenna.com) Well, posted a link to a Facebook group she had created for women who wanted to join, partially join, or follow her journey with a fresh face for 40 days. I went on and felt the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart, "I want you to do this."
"WHAT?! No God, NO. Absolutely not. You.Are.Crazy. I'm not doing it. I did it once for a week when You basically forced me to, and that was long enough. 40? No. Not happening. Sorry."
That sounds a lot like what I told Him 6 years ago about me doing 24/7...and look where that got me. I'm in my second year now. Ha! He is even more stubborn about things than I am.
I argued Him for an hour. Gave Him every rational reason I could come up with.
1. "Aly is in town...I want to take pictures with her! Not without makeup, nope!" "Darling, Aly doesn't wear makeup. You know the talks you two have had about this subject. She would side with me." Dang it. 2. "I have PCOS. My ovaries won't allow me...my face freaks out when my hormones go crazy. What am I gonna do when my face is covered with acne?" "Trust me." Ugh. Fine. 3. "But. But. But....I have no reason not to submit."
The more I argued and debated the idea with Him, the stronger I felt the need to do it.
I made my decision, even though it kills me to do so, that I am going to go the next 40 days without makeup. No makeup up until the day I leave to move back to Alabama for my second year of Highlands College. I took my makeup off tonight for the last time until I leave.
Lord help me. I am petrified. Sick to my stomach? Yes. Definitely.
This is more than just a makeup addiction. This is me revealing my heart for other to see. Raw and real. This is me taking off the mask I have worn for so many years to hide who I really am. No more hiding. I won't hide who God created me to be any longer. I'm done. This is more than outer beauty, this is inner beauty. As I embark on my quest to discover and believe in the beauty God has given me, I seek to allow God to shape my heart into something more beautiful and lovely.
This will quite possibly be one of the most difficult journeys I have ever been asked to walk, but I know my Father will be with me every step of the way, every weak moment, when I fail, when I question my strength...His arms are right there for me to fall into.
These verses will be my anthem for the next 40 days.
Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well."Song of Songs 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling, there is NO flaw in you."
Romans 9:20 "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'"
Song of Songs 2:2 “As the lily among the thorns, so is my love among the daughters.”
And this song has been, and will continue to be my anthem. "When I don't understand, I will choose You."
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
from the depths of my soul
I am a writer.
It is more than what I do.
It is who I am.
Last night I had a moment of weakness after receiving criticism on my writing in class.
I felt like a failure. I wanted to take my piece, tear it to shreds, and burn it. Then do it all over again.
I hated myself as a writer.
My thought was, "The only thing I'm good at is writing. If I can't write, I have nothing else going for me. What am I going to do with my life now?"
I texted my friend Kiara, a fellow writer.
"I feel like such a shitty writer. I'm done."
"Maybe I need to stop investing myself emotionally in my writing and then I won't feel so awful about myself after I receive criticism."
She texted me back and said she hoped I could hear the scream of anguish against that idea from Alabama.
She asked me what writing was to me. I had never thought about it. Here's what I said:
Everything.
My heart on paper.
Its beauty expressed.
Its depth.
Its God's gift He's entrusted me with to write His words.
Its the deepest parts of my heart and soul.
Its life recorded and memories made.
Its a baby that each time I become pregnant with and let it grow and develop and carry, and its painful to give birth to, but in the end the result is priceless, beautiful and worth more than gold.
"You were made for this." She responded.
What she said next hit my heart.
"Why do you forget? What you've been given? And why would we take disregard a blessing by complaining? It is the air you've been give to breathe because it gives you more life than any atoms or molecules could. Jesus was a storyteller. God was a poet. You've been given the greatest gift. You get to tell of God's glory in the same fashion he did. Don't ever forget it."
That's what writing is. The gift I've been given.
I can be so critical on myself as a writer.
As a writer, I am so obsessed and captivated by all things beautiful.
I so long to capture and reflect that beauty, God's beauty, and when I feel like I'm not doing it justice...as writing is a baby I become impregnated with, those times are miscarriages and complications.
I suppose that is another aspect in which I have been created in His image.
I am a storyteller.
I am a creator of beauty and depth.
Its a high calling. Its a challenge, but its my challenge.
I was made for this.
I will not relent.
I will not give up in the times when birth is painful and seems impossible.
I am a writer.
It is more than what I do.
It is who I am.
It is more than what I do.
It is who I am.
Last night I had a moment of weakness after receiving criticism on my writing in class.
I felt like a failure. I wanted to take my piece, tear it to shreds, and burn it. Then do it all over again.
I hated myself as a writer.
My thought was, "The only thing I'm good at is writing. If I can't write, I have nothing else going for me. What am I going to do with my life now?"
I texted my friend Kiara, a fellow writer.
"I feel like such a shitty writer. I'm done."
"Maybe I need to stop investing myself emotionally in my writing and then I won't feel so awful about myself after I receive criticism."
She texted me back and said she hoped I could hear the scream of anguish against that idea from Alabama.
She asked me what writing was to me. I had never thought about it. Here's what I said:
Everything.
My heart on paper.
Its beauty expressed.
Its depth.
Its God's gift He's entrusted me with to write His words.
Its the deepest parts of my heart and soul.
Its life recorded and memories made.
Its a baby that each time I become pregnant with and let it grow and develop and carry, and its painful to give birth to, but in the end the result is priceless, beautiful and worth more than gold.
"You were made for this." She responded.
What she said next hit my heart.
"Why do you forget? What you've been given? And why would we take disregard a blessing by complaining? It is the air you've been give to breathe because it gives you more life than any atoms or molecules could. Jesus was a storyteller. God was a poet. You've been given the greatest gift. You get to tell of God's glory in the same fashion he did. Don't ever forget it."
That's what writing is. The gift I've been given.
I can be so critical on myself as a writer.
As a writer, I am so obsessed and captivated by all things beautiful.
I so long to capture and reflect that beauty, God's beauty, and when I feel like I'm not doing it justice...as writing is a baby I become impregnated with, those times are miscarriages and complications.
I suppose that is another aspect in which I have been created in His image.
I am a storyteller.
I am a creator of beauty and depth.
Its a high calling. Its a challenge, but its my challenge.
I was made for this.
I will not relent.
I will not give up in the times when birth is painful and seems impossible.
I am a writer.
It is more than what I do.
It is who I am.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
all consuming fire: the waldo canyon fire.
Exactly one week ago, on Saturday, I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a tower of smoke that didn't look like a regular cloud. I said to my mom who was in my car with me, "Look at that cloud, do you think that could be a fire?" She couldn't see it and we dismissed the notion. My sister called ten minutes later and said "Did you see the fire?" There was a fire in the mountains by Waldo Canyon. Little did we know just how much destruction this fire would bring our city.I immediately got on my Highland College page and asked everyone to be praying that they could contain and get this thing out fast.
The next few days we lived not in Colorado Springs, but in Smokeville, Colorado. The air was completely overtaken with smoke. It was the same feeling you get when you stand in front of a campfire, the smoke blowing in your face, the smell, burning in your eyes...except you couldn't get away from it.
The fire continued to grow and by Tuesday it was 5,500 acres and 0% contained.
 |
| 3pm. Tuesday. The darkest day. |
The fire quickly made its way down into the foothills, into communities, consuming everything in its path.
The previously calm news reporters became instantly unnerved and you could hear the tension in their voices.
The entire city. I cannot begin to explain to you the fear and panic that was in the air. Every single eye in the city was on that mountain, watching the fire come down, not knowing how far it would go or if we were safe.
There was no way to know what it was going to do, or where it was going to go.
I called about ten people from back home and my home sponsors, Sam and Jackie, trying to choke back the tears and fear that was trying to consume me.I talked with Sam and Jackie, and prayed with them over the phone for my city, the firefighters and officials and the weather to calm down. I am so blessed by their relationship and the encouragement and peace they so often extend to me when my heart is in chaos.
I went down to the park down the street from my house with my sister, and along with about 30 other people with the same idea, watched this fire consume our horizon. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. The flames were massive. The entire skyline was on fire. Going down, quickly down the mountain. Every black plume of smoke that went up was another home that the fire was consuming. I was watching people's lives, work, and dreams being stolen right in front of my eyes. It was surreal.
 |
| My view. The orange is all fire. |
I was watching my mountains and my city burn.
It was like Nero's Rome.
I could not believe what we were seeing.
Pieces of ash were falling from the sky. 20 miles from the mountains where the fire was burning. Burned up maps, pages of books, a page from a Bible, a piece of fruit that still had the sticker on it. Things that had to have come from people's homes.
 |
| A burned map of Rome. |
It felt like a scene from one of those horrible, cheesy weather movies we all make fun of.
But it wasn't.
This was real. It was happening.
This was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Fires can't be predicted or controlled, at least not completely. It is so scary how fast it can turn on you and enter a path of attack and destruction. All it takes is a tiny shift in the winds.
I thought I knew what God meant when He says "I am a consuming fire."
I had no idea. I know now.
Every day I find myself singing this chorus over my city:
"Let it rain. Let it rain. Open the floodgates of Heaven."
My city needs a miracle. The fire is 50% contained. It is predicted, if the weather cooperates, to be contained by July 16th. 32,000 people have been displaced from their homes. 349 homes were destroyed on Tuesday night alone. Two lives taken. Countless robberies since. We need a miracle. We need rain.
Pray for Colorado Springs and the entire state of Colorado, as we fight roughly 15 fires statewide.
Friday, June 22, 2012
He has made everything beautiful in its time: photo shoot.
One of my best friends in Colorado is a photographer, and I let her practice on me whenever she wants. Here are a few of my favorites from this week:
Thursday, June 21, 2012
taking off the mask.
My spiritual dad, Sam, authors a blog called The Seed of Hope. This past Tuesday, his post really resonated in my heart with what God has been teaching me as of late. The post was called "Fatherly Advice." It was God's fatherly advice to him.
He talked about how the Lord told him that he was perfect. Not that he was literally flawless, but that the way God created him and the way God sees him is PERFECT. This is what he says God spoke to him:
How powerful. "Its time to remember who you are, how you were made, and to begin walking out the plans I have for you."
A few months ago, my roommate, Brooke, told me, "You haven't changed, Kasey, you've simply become who you really were all along." Who I really was all along was just buried under a lifetime of fear, doubts, guilt, shame, mistakes, and believing lies. I have become and am becoming the person that God originally had in mind when He created me.
I have come to the realization that I wear masks and keep walls around my heart and life so I won't get hurt.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, with the exception of my sister and her boyfriend, has seen my real personality. If you ask most people, they would say that I am quiet, reserved, shy and timid. Ha! That is not me at all. Its just the person I have been projecting out my whole life.
I started my hiding at 5 years old. I was an awesome 5 year old kid. Loud, crazy, and fun. Then I started school. And I stopped talking. My teacher thought I had some kind of speech impediment cause I never spoke. So began my hiding. My trying to please people and be what they wanted me to be.
I was talking to Sam tonight and telling him the realization that I've had and how nobody has seen my real personality. He says, "Not even me? Really??" Here's the thing about Sam. Someway, somehow, he knows me better than literally everyone else. He can read my mail like nobody's business. Its great. I love it. But there is really nothing I can hide.
He says, "Girl, you can try to tell me that all you want, but you know its not true. I always knew you were hiding under a mask and the person you projected to be wasn't really you. I've always known you were crazy. I knew you were a freak and you have this crazy, weird, wild side inside you that you never let anyone see. Whenever I'd do something and you'd grin and shake your head, you were thinking, 'My God he's a freak...but I'm the same way, I just can't let anyone know that.' I know who you really are even though you have never let it out."
Seriously? Its ridiculous how well he knows me. Even things I've never told him, he knows.
I'm done hiding. I'm done not letting people see my true colors. There is no reason to hide behind a mask.
Romans 9:20 says, "But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’”
I'm not this shy, quiet, timid person that everyone thinks I am. I'm loud. I'm crazy. I'm fun. I can be really obnoxious. I do weird things. I dance around the house like nobody is watching. I sing opera in my car, no matter what song is playing. I make awesome animal noises. I have an awesome sense of humor and can be super quick and witty when I have someone to banter with. I always want to talk to somebody. I don't care who. I love talking with people and sharing my opinion and heart with them. I hate that the enemy has kept me silent for so long, no more. My sister's boyfriend got me hopped up on caffeine the other night, and honestly, that was the most "me" I have ever been. Its fun being me.
I am enough. Its good enough for me to be just me. Just Kasey. I can be me because God made me just the way He wanted, and He sees me as perfect.Who am I to deny what He created just to make people happy? I don't care what people think, I really don't. There's no reason to. If people don't want to be around me because of my fire for God or my crazy weird personality, I'm okay with that. I can finally say that I am secure in who I am.
I make the best monkey noise ever. And I'm not ashamed of it.
He talked about how the Lord told him that he was perfect. Not that he was literally flawless, but that the way God created him and the way God sees him is PERFECT. This is what he says God spoke to him:
"When
you were born, Sam, you were PERFECT. You came into this world exactly
the way that I wanted you to be, because I don’t make mistakes. You
looked exactly the way that I wanted you to look, and you had the heart
and mind that I wanted you to have. You were perfect in every way.
And
then the world and the enemy polluted your mind and robbed you of the
perfectness that I created in you. You were still perfect in My eyes,
but you lost sight of it in yours. You forgot. It’s time to remember who
you are, how you were made, and to begin walking out the plans that I
have for you" (www.theseedofhope.com)
How powerful. "Its time to remember who you are, how you were made, and to begin walking out the plans I have for you."
A few months ago, my roommate, Brooke, told me, "You haven't changed, Kasey, you've simply become who you really were all along." Who I really was all along was just buried under a lifetime of fear, doubts, guilt, shame, mistakes, and believing lies. I have become and am becoming the person that God originally had in mind when He created me.
I have come to the realization that I wear masks and keep walls around my heart and life so I won't get hurt.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, with the exception of my sister and her boyfriend, has seen my real personality. If you ask most people, they would say that I am quiet, reserved, shy and timid. Ha! That is not me at all. Its just the person I have been projecting out my whole life.
I started my hiding at 5 years old. I was an awesome 5 year old kid. Loud, crazy, and fun. Then I started school. And I stopped talking. My teacher thought I had some kind of speech impediment cause I never spoke. So began my hiding. My trying to please people and be what they wanted me to be.
I was talking to Sam tonight and telling him the realization that I've had and how nobody has seen my real personality. He says, "Not even me? Really??" Here's the thing about Sam. Someway, somehow, he knows me better than literally everyone else. He can read my mail like nobody's business. Its great. I love it. But there is really nothing I can hide.
He says, "Girl, you can try to tell me that all you want, but you know its not true. I always knew you were hiding under a mask and the person you projected to be wasn't really you. I've always known you were crazy. I knew you were a freak and you have this crazy, weird, wild side inside you that you never let anyone see. Whenever I'd do something and you'd grin and shake your head, you were thinking, 'My God he's a freak...but I'm the same way, I just can't let anyone know that.' I know who you really are even though you have never let it out."
Seriously? Its ridiculous how well he knows me. Even things I've never told him, he knows.
I'm done hiding. I'm done not letting people see my true colors. There is no reason to hide behind a mask.
Romans 9:20 says, "But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’”
I'm not this shy, quiet, timid person that everyone thinks I am. I'm loud. I'm crazy. I'm fun. I can be really obnoxious. I do weird things. I dance around the house like nobody is watching. I sing opera in my car, no matter what song is playing. I make awesome animal noises. I have an awesome sense of humor and can be super quick and witty when I have someone to banter with. I always want to talk to somebody. I don't care who. I love talking with people and sharing my opinion and heart with them. I hate that the enemy has kept me silent for so long, no more. My sister's boyfriend got me hopped up on caffeine the other night, and honestly, that was the most "me" I have ever been. Its fun being me.
I am enough. Its good enough for me to be just me. Just Kasey. I can be me because God made me just the way He wanted, and He sees me as perfect.Who am I to deny what He created just to make people happy? I don't care what people think, I really don't. There's no reason to. If people don't want to be around me because of my fire for God or my crazy weird personality, I'm okay with that. I can finally say that I am secure in who I am.
I make the best monkey noise ever. And I'm not ashamed of it.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
you walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease.
If you have been following my quaint little blog for any amount of time, you probably know that I have been through the wringer medically the past 8 months.
I had surgery in October to remove a tennis ball cyst from my ovary.
I was told the cysts wouldn't come back. They did. They do. All the time.
They grow, they rupture. They grow, they rupture. Its a sick cycle. I miss a period about every 3 months and have abnormal bleeding. The pain never fully goes away. My doctor didn't seem interested in trying to figure out what is wrong or helping me.
I decided to get a second opinion. The only problem was that I dropped my insurance and am still trying to pay off $3,000 worth of medical bills from my last hospital stay.
I've been searching for an answer or a way to milk the system since I got back to Colorado.
Last night I stumbled upon the fact that there is a women's clinic Dream Center in town. I decided to check it out and found that treatment there is completely free.
I went in today to inquire about getting an appointment.
The man at the front desk says that they are booked until August.
Okay. "When in August?" I asked.
August 25th.
Well junk. I'm moving back to Alabama on August 14th.
I asked if there was anything before then. He asked if I had an urgent or pressing condition or concern. I explained my situation and all that has been going on and expressed my fears and frustrations.
The woman sitting next to him starts looking through the schedule and says, "Oh. We had a cancellation today. We'll see you in 45 minutes."
Can you say JESUS?!
Unfortunately today was one of those days where I rolled out of bed, threw my hair up in a bun, put on sweats and went to class. I took no care to my appearance at all. So I had to speed home and take the fastest shower of my life. I ain't seeing no women's doctor without a shower. Ha!
So I go back and give the woman at the desk my drivers license and she says, "Any relation to Kellen?" What? Yeah. He's my brother. She told me how they see him like family and go way back, both her daughters are friends with my brothers, and they both did 24/7 in Alabama. I told her that I'm in 24/7 in Alabama. Small world, huh?
So I went in and went through all the routine vitals, "why are you here?", medical history, "are you pregnant?", "could you possibly be pregnant?" questions and routine. I've gotten used to it. Ha!
She decided to do a full exam and she said that as far as she could tell, everything is normal right now and she couldn't feel any enlarged organs or issues. She also said she wasn't able to completely reach the end so its possible she couldn't feel if there was anything. Good news is she said I don't have to deal with getting another one until I get married!
So I am going back in 3 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound. She said that the ultrasound will be an extensive look at my organs and that will tell them what is going wrong, show any abnormalities, diagnose PCOS/Endometriosis/whatever the heck else it could be. After that she's going to sit down with me and we're going to discuss treatment options and the best way to manage my cysts.
This doctor actually cared to listen to me, about my concerns, and wants to help me manage and get this junk under control. She was so nice, gentle, understanding and sympathetic. A complete contrast to my doctor in Birmingham. He's great...just too clinical and by the book. And he's a man.
I will write as soon as I get a diagnosis or further information and my treatment plan.
If you read this, I ask that you would be praying for me. One, I need healing. I believe God can heal me. Two, when I go back that my doctor would be able to come up with the best plan to fix me and that God would give her wisdom and insight. Three, I still need God to provide the money to pay off my old medical bills so the debt collectors will quit hounding me. Thank you so much!
This all just shows me how much God is my provider, sustainer, healer, and how He cares about everything in our lives. He wants the best for us.
This is the biggest blessing in the world. I'm so happy He is finally working all of this together for my good. And all the treatment I am getting at this place is completely FREE. Such a big deal!
All He asks is that we ask Him and simply trust that He is good and He will come through.
I had surgery in October to remove a tennis ball cyst from my ovary.
I was told the cysts wouldn't come back. They did. They do. All the time.
They grow, they rupture. They grow, they rupture. Its a sick cycle. I miss a period about every 3 months and have abnormal bleeding. The pain never fully goes away. My doctor didn't seem interested in trying to figure out what is wrong or helping me.
I decided to get a second opinion. The only problem was that I dropped my insurance and am still trying to pay off $3,000 worth of medical bills from my last hospital stay.
I've been searching for an answer or a way to milk the system since I got back to Colorado.
Last night I stumbled upon the fact that there is a women's clinic Dream Center in town. I decided to check it out and found that treatment there is completely free.
I went in today to inquire about getting an appointment.
The man at the front desk says that they are booked until August.
Okay. "When in August?" I asked.
August 25th.
Well junk. I'm moving back to Alabama on August 14th.
I asked if there was anything before then. He asked if I had an urgent or pressing condition or concern. I explained my situation and all that has been going on and expressed my fears and frustrations.
The woman sitting next to him starts looking through the schedule and says, "Oh. We had a cancellation today. We'll see you in 45 minutes."
Can you say JESUS?!
Unfortunately today was one of those days where I rolled out of bed, threw my hair up in a bun, put on sweats and went to class. I took no care to my appearance at all. So I had to speed home and take the fastest shower of my life. I ain't seeing no women's doctor without a shower. Ha!
So I go back and give the woman at the desk my drivers license and she says, "Any relation to Kellen?" What? Yeah. He's my brother. She told me how they see him like family and go way back, both her daughters are friends with my brothers, and they both did 24/7 in Alabama. I told her that I'm in 24/7 in Alabama. Small world, huh?
So I went in and went through all the routine vitals, "why are you here?", medical history, "are you pregnant?", "could you possibly be pregnant?" questions and routine. I've gotten used to it. Ha!
She decided to do a full exam and she said that as far as she could tell, everything is normal right now and she couldn't feel any enlarged organs or issues. She also said she wasn't able to completely reach the end so its possible she couldn't feel if there was anything. Good news is she said I don't have to deal with getting another one until I get married!
So I am going back in 3 weeks for a follow-up ultrasound. She said that the ultrasound will be an extensive look at my organs and that will tell them what is going wrong, show any abnormalities, diagnose PCOS/Endometriosis/whatever the heck else it could be. After that she's going to sit down with me and we're going to discuss treatment options and the best way to manage my cysts.
This doctor actually cared to listen to me, about my concerns, and wants to help me manage and get this junk under control. She was so nice, gentle, understanding and sympathetic. A complete contrast to my doctor in Birmingham. He's great...just too clinical and by the book. And he's a man.
I will write as soon as I get a diagnosis or further information and my treatment plan.
If you read this, I ask that you would be praying for me. One, I need healing. I believe God can heal me. Two, when I go back that my doctor would be able to come up with the best plan to fix me and that God would give her wisdom and insight. Three, I still need God to provide the money to pay off my old medical bills so the debt collectors will quit hounding me. Thank you so much!
This all just shows me how much God is my provider, sustainer, healer, and how He cares about everything in our lives. He wants the best for us.
This is the biggest blessing in the world. I'm so happy He is finally working all of this together for my good. And all the treatment I am getting at this place is completely FREE. Such a big deal!
All He asks is that we ask Him and simply trust that He is good and He will come through.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
enthusiasm: being possessed by God.
Have you ever thought, there's got to be more to life than just this?
Me too. Many times. I'm in this season right now that feels like an in-between, waiting season. But the thing is, I can't approach life as a waiting season just because I'm not where I feel I belong or where my heart is. I've spent the past month wishing I were in Alabama, instead of here in Colorado. I wake up thinking about Alabama, and go to sleep thinking about Alabama. I've complained about how much I miss it, how much I dislike Colorado, how boring and melancholy my life is here...and then conviction hit me like a brick.
My sister called me over to the computer to show me something.
Dictionary. The word: Enthusiasm.
The meaning: "absorbing or controlling possession of the mind by any interest or pursuit; lively interest."
Here's what sticks out about this word.
The original meaning:
1570–80; < Late Latin enthūsiasmus < Greek enthousiasmós, equivalent to enthousí: "possession by a god, having a god within, god-possessing."
Does that get you like it got me?
To be enthusiastic about something is the equivalent of being possessed, consumed by God.
If we have the Holy Spirit within us, we are possessed by God and His Spirit within us.
If we are possessed by God's Spirit, our lives should be lived enthusiastically. In every moment. In every season. High and low. Good and bad.
If we're not approaching life with excitement, joy and enthusiasm...what are we doing?
We need to seize every moment we're given. Taking it to the fullest opportunity fulfillment level possible.
I've recently found the freedom of being myself around other people. I've lived my entire life hiding beneath a mask and pretending to be something and someone I'm not. I'm not this quiet, shy, timid girl that most people would describe me as. I'm loud, fun, crazy, weird, and absolutely nuts. The other night we had a bunch of people over and I was hanging around my sister and her boyfriend, and for the first time in my life, I was completely comfortable being myself. Making animal noises. Stupid jokes. Sharing my insights. Telling my stories. Poking playful verbal banter and sarcasm that I have always kept in my mind. Completely myself. And it was enough to be me. Just Kasey. No masks. No hiding.
I've decided that life is too short to hide behind a mask.
I have the God of the Universe living inside of me. Passion and zeal for Him consumes my heart. I am possessed by His Spirit. Each day needs to be a new adventure, full of enthusiasm for His Name and for this life He has given me.
When I gave my life to Jesus and told Him that I would follow Him wherever He wanted to take me, I meant it. No matter how hard, uncomfortable or homesick I get...I will follow Jesus wherever He takes me. And He has brought me back to Colorado for this season. I want to make the most of it. I know He has things planned out for me here, and people that need to be exposed to the Jesus inside of me and everything that He has done in my heart and life this past year. I'm going to look at the next two months with enthusiasm and anticipation for what God has for me here. And then I get to go home. Until then, I will live content and at peace with where He has me.
I might feel alone here. But God is with me each day. His hand in mine. And He reminds me everyday when He paints the most glorious sunsets. He is the perfect Romancer.
Me too. Many times. I'm in this season right now that feels like an in-between, waiting season. But the thing is, I can't approach life as a waiting season just because I'm not where I feel I belong or where my heart is. I've spent the past month wishing I were in Alabama, instead of here in Colorado. I wake up thinking about Alabama, and go to sleep thinking about Alabama. I've complained about how much I miss it, how much I dislike Colorado, how boring and melancholy my life is here...and then conviction hit me like a brick.
My sister called me over to the computer to show me something.
Dictionary. The word: Enthusiasm.
The meaning: "absorbing or controlling possession of the mind by any interest or pursuit; lively interest."
Here's what sticks out about this word.
The original meaning:
1570–80; < Late Latin enthūsiasmus < Greek enthousiasmós, equivalent to enthousí: "possession by a god, having a god within, god-possessing."
Does that get you like it got me?
To be enthusiastic about something is the equivalent of being possessed, consumed by God.
If we have the Holy Spirit within us, we are possessed by God and His Spirit within us.
If we are possessed by God's Spirit, our lives should be lived enthusiastically. In every moment. In every season. High and low. Good and bad.
If we're not approaching life with excitement, joy and enthusiasm...what are we doing?
We need to seize every moment we're given. Taking it to the fullest opportunity fulfillment level possible.
I've recently found the freedom of being myself around other people. I've lived my entire life hiding beneath a mask and pretending to be something and someone I'm not. I'm not this quiet, shy, timid girl that most people would describe me as. I'm loud, fun, crazy, weird, and absolutely nuts. The other night we had a bunch of people over and I was hanging around my sister and her boyfriend, and for the first time in my life, I was completely comfortable being myself. Making animal noises. Stupid jokes. Sharing my insights. Telling my stories. Poking playful verbal banter and sarcasm that I have always kept in my mind. Completely myself. And it was enough to be me. Just Kasey. No masks. No hiding.
I've decided that life is too short to hide behind a mask.
I have the God of the Universe living inside of me. Passion and zeal for Him consumes my heart. I am possessed by His Spirit. Each day needs to be a new adventure, full of enthusiasm for His Name and for this life He has given me.
When I gave my life to Jesus and told Him that I would follow Him wherever He wanted to take me, I meant it. No matter how hard, uncomfortable or homesick I get...I will follow Jesus wherever He takes me. And He has brought me back to Colorado for this season. I want to make the most of it. I know He has things planned out for me here, and people that need to be exposed to the Jesus inside of me and everything that He has done in my heart and life this past year. I'm going to look at the next two months with enthusiasm and anticipation for what God has for me here. And then I get to go home. Until then, I will live content and at peace with where He has me.
I might feel alone here. But God is with me each day. His hand in mine. And He reminds me everyday when He paints the most glorious sunsets. He is the perfect Romancer.
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