your story isn't over yet.

today is National Survivors of Suicide Day.

i am one of them.

i was 18 years old.

depressed.

broken.

a cutter.

severely bulimic.

and wanting to die.

here's a small glimpse into my story.


8/8/2008: "i'm weak and broken right now, in every way. i feel like my life is so void of meaning right now, that it is pointless. nothing i am doing matters. i'm worthless. everything i do is futile and dead. God, you seem so distant and no matter what i do i just can't seem to find you. i'm just kind of here, wandering, unable to fight for anything. its all insignificant- i feel like my life was an accident and maybe You just wasted time with mecause i am nowhere near the person You created me to be. i  need You, but where are You?"

9/28/08: "God, when are you going to give up on me? i've let You down too many times. why do You still care? i want to reach You but i can't. its easier to accept the shame than to accept forgiveness that i don't deserve."

10/2/08: "i'm scared that i'll never be free, that one day this will kill me."

10/5/08: "i have given my will over to a razor blade, and forgotten the plans You have for me."

11/10/08: "find rest my soul, confess you're weary. surrender all, embrace your healing. find hope my soul, you know He's with you. my Saviour God, still i will praise You."

11/25/08: "i recognize that i have been accepting defeat as the norm, even before having a chance to fight."

11/28/08: "i will not give up because i know the cost of giving up is higher than the cost of endurance and battle. no weapon formed against me shall remain."

december 12, 2008

my final attempt to escape the shambles my life was in.

i sat in my bedroom with a razor blade in my hand.

i still have the scar on my wrist to this day.

i slit my wrist, hoping that it would have gone deeper than it actually did.

but my Father was protecting me and His plans for my life.

i told God that this was it. if He wanted me to live, He had to do something in that very moment or that night would be the end.

that i couldn't live like this any longer.

that i had tried to find freedom and escape from my chains, but the attempts were futile.

and i was done trying.

it would be better to end my life than to keep trying.

in those moments, something happened that i still don't have words to explain exactly what took place in that room.

a felt the hand of God forcing my hand down, and i dropped the razor blade.

the presence of God invaded my heart and the atmosphere in a way i had never experienced before.

and He began to speak.

hope.

healing.

freedom.

joy.

redemption.

beauty.

purpose.

LIFE.

the Holy Spirit breathed life back into my dead heart that night.

and chains i had been trying to break on my own for months and months at a time, crumbled on the ground in an instant.

i didn't cut one time after that night.

my eating disorder was healed completely.

depression and darkness left my soul.

He gave me unending, unexplainable joy and hope.

that night i desired death, but my perfect, loving, kind Father had different plans.

"as for you, you meant evil against me. but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today" {genesis 50:20}

i found hope.

and hope is available for you too.

beautiful heart, you have no idea how very loved you are.

your life is significant.

you are important.

you were created by a God of infinite and unending love and hope.

ending your life is never the answer.

it is a quick fix with eternal consequences.

you were made for more.

you were made for love.

to love yourself. to love others. to love God. and to let God ravish your heart with His love.

remember the plans that God has for you.

remember that He “knit you together in your mother's womb and has made you so wonderfully complex.” (Psalm 139).

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

 

let love consume you, and your beauty will shine forth from the inside out.

 

your heart is precious, lovely one. take care of your heart. respect your heart AND your body by not continuing to hurt yourself. trust me. there is so much more to life than this.

 

there is hope.

 

your life has value.

 

even if it seems like nobody is there. remember that God chose you. and He chooses you everyday.

your story does not end here.

its time to turn the page to a new chapter.

 

yesterday, you mattered. today, you matter. and tomorrow, you will still matter.

far, far better things

competition.

you love it or you hate it.

there is not middle ground when it comes to being competitive.

you are or you aren't.

i grew up in a competitive family and have always been about winning.

losing is unacceptable.

but there are some places where competition has no place and should not exist in the ways it does.

ministry.

spending two years in ministry and leadership school, i saw a spirit of competition that was completely unhealthy.

one that was used to cut down others' confidence, talent, gifts, and elevate ones' self.

it made me sick.

it still disgusts me to see it so prevalent.

i got caught up in the game for 3 out of my 4 semesters at this school.

i was so focused to pleasing my leaders, making them proud, wanting to be seen by them, having my gifts noticed and seen, and saw all the other girls who had similar gifts and talents to be a threat.

i got so focused on my calling, that i forgot about the One who it is all about.

i wasn't willing to push others out of the way in order to be noticed, but there were plenty of people who i saw let their arrogance and cockiness get it the way of embracing the call of God on each individual life.

there was somewhat of an unbalance at my school. there was so much of a focus on finding and walking in your calling, that is was very easy to forget about your relationship with Jesus. 

after seeing another pastor fall from his place of ministry because of the fleeting, short lived pleasure that sin brings for only a moment, before robbing you of your influence and dignity- i had a revelation of sorts.

i believe that God has created me for influence. i believe He has given me a voice. i believe He has made me and called me to pen and speak the words of Heaven, and bring fresh revelation for my own and the next generation.

but. here's the catch. if i don't have the relationship with Jesus, the integrity, or the character to sustain this calling- it will mean NOTHING.

so i decided to drop everything that was hindering me from focusing on Jesus. i handed back some very significant, big opportunities and leadership positions that had been entrusted to me, just so i could spend more time with Jesus.

and i entered my last semester of my internship with one focus. one single goal: to find the heart of God. to have a tangible relationship with the living God. to live a life so close to Jesus, that i didn't know that kind of intimacy could be found.

i spent every free minute i had seeking the heart of God. i tore up my Bible, took notes in every free space. wrote down the vision and every revelation and truth He gave me. worship consumed my heart and life. i had a desire to talk to Jesus again. all.the.time. about everything. there was nothing too small insignificant to share with Him. i wanted to know Him and spend every waking moment in His embrace. He was all i wanted to hear, see, smell, touch, feel. He was all that i wanted to be.

i had the best semester of my whole two years in my internship. i had locked eyes with Jesus, and the whole world seemed to fade away.

i forgot about pursuing my calling, and wholeheartedly pursued the One who called me.

instead of clenching onto "my" calling with a death grip (which was never mine in the first place), i held my hands open to the sweet leading of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, to place whatever He would want to in my hands and show me the next steps to take, by taking my open hand and guiding me through the unknowns of what would come next.

while all of my friends were panicking about where they would be going after graduation, what they would be doing, what church they would be working at, if they would get placed, getting job interviews, getting promotion- i quietly kept my heart and eyes on Jesus. it didn't matter what was next. i would follow Jesus anywhere. and when i told Him i would follow Him anywhere, i meant it, and He took it literally.

i'll be the first to admit though. i did have moments of panic where i was overwhelmed with the "what's next"?  feeling. i didn't know where the Lord was leading me. but i trusted Him to show me where to go.

then the song Oceans by Hillsong United became my life-song and anthem. not just another song to sing, or another moment in worship. it wasn't empty words. it was the cry of my heart. and i meant every word, every time.

{You call me out upon the waters. the great unknown. where feet may fail. and there i find You in the mystery. in oceans deep, my faith will stand. 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed, and You won't start now. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. 
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, 
and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.}

then i went to ARC Conference. and i met a pastor's wife who had just launched a new church plant 7 months prior. then California came on my radar. out of nowhere. i had never even had a desire to visit California. and then it was in my face and my heart longed for the golden coast. for somewhere i had never been before.

where my trust is without borders, right?

4 weeks later i was on a plane, going to California to spend a week with somebody i had known for less than 20 minutes. the doors opened so quickly and i knew it had to be the Spirit leading me.

one single conversation that changed the course and direction of my entire life.

and now i am planning on moving to California to be a part of The Movement Church. and i have never known anything was more right with more confidence, or had more peace about any decision like i do right now- in my whole life.

why?

because i was willing to put my agenda, dreams, ideas, purposes, and "my calling" aside. to lay it down at the foot of the cross, place it in the Father's hands, and tell Him to have His way. regardless of the cost. regardless of where it would take me. of the desert i would have to walk through. of the place i would have to go back to that has a less than ideal environment- but the perfect environment for challenge and growth- as fruit only grows in the valleys, and not the mountain tops.

i took my hands off of my dreams and what i thought my future would look like. and i embraced Jesus fully. i focused on Jesus, and my calling found me. and now its not my own. it is attached to Him. and wherever He is, i want to be. wherever He goes, i want to go. if He isn't going to be there, i'm not interested. and that lead me to pass up a full time ministry job offer to follow Jesus to California and a church where there is no position, there is no money, there is no known stability. but there are phenomenal leaders. there is a vision i want to support and help see come to life for my next season. it does not make sense, but it is the path He is taking me on.

Proverbs 19:21 "you can make many plans, but the Lord's purposes will prevail."

the song Oceans got real popular, real fast. but i wonder how many people realized exactly what they were singing? and exactly what, if they meant it, that it would cost them?

we are willing to say the words, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders", but are we willing to follow Him to that place when He begins to lead?

i believe so many of us aren't willing to take that step to get of our comfort zone and actually follow Him to that place.

a place where it is not easy.

it is a daily struggle.

it take bold, audacious, mountain moving trust and faith.

where there is sacrifice of relationships, time, energy, money, dreams, and so much more.

it is never what we think it is.

but God's plans are so much bigger.

laying down your calling to open your hands to His heart is so much more fulfilling that seeking self-serving dreams. even dreams that are good and will ultimately bring glory to God- when you're focused on "your calling"- you are missing the point.

it is all about Jesus.

it has always been about Jesus.

it will always be about Jesus.

there is nothing more. and there is nothing less.

and it will never be about you, or your gifts, or what you could accomplish.

and if you think it could be, you better come down from that pride stool right away.

because any influence or name you could build for yourself without the Spirit, and without selfless, complete, all-in, lay-it-down kind of love for Jesus...will be empty and meaningless.

so let me invite you to take the step that i took almost a year ago, that completely transformed and revolutionalized not only my whole life, but my relationship with the Lord.

take your eyes off of yourself.

stop focusing on your calling.

and focus on the One who called you.

the only real soul satisfaction is found in His eyes.

in His loving embrace.

in His gentle leading.

even when nothing makes sense.

awaken your heart to His dreams for you, and let go of your own.

your dreams may be good. but i promise His are better.

look at where Jesus called the disciples.

"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brotherd, Simon called Peter and his brother Abndrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." At once, they left their nets and followed him. " vs. 22- "immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him." (matthew 4:18-22)

all He asked for in that moment was for them to follow him.

simple and immediate obedience.

He didn't give them a grand synopsis of why, who He was, or what they would do together.

no explaination given.

no questions asked.

they didn't know of the miracles they would witness. and be a part of.

they couldn't forsee the danger that lay in front of them.

they didn't know the anguish and heartbreak they would experience when this stranger would lay down his life, being innocent, for them.

they didn't understand the lessons they would learn and the truth that would be revealed to them.

Peter didn't know that he would walk on water.

see a dead man raised.

see the blind eyes opened.

they didn't know that they would one day suffer greatly and lay their lives down to spread the story of this man.

and yet, they left everything to follow the One who called them.

they didn't live for a calling.

they lived for a man named Jesus.

they walked with Him. and their callings found them.

Jesus doesn't ask much from us.

simply to follow Him.

with immediate obedience.

not to follow a calling, but to follow this God-man named Jesus.

and embark on a grand adventure together.

as C.S. Lewis once said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

together.

my best friend got married this past Saturday.

i had to honor of standing by her side and being her (unofficial) maid of honor...cause of family complications. ha.

but i have watched this girl go through hell and come out an absolutely ballin' overcomer.

i prayed for her for 5 years to come back to the Lord, and after 5 years of praying and believing that God's plan for her life was not over, destroyed, or ruined...last summer, I watched her walk down the church isle to give her heart, affection, commitment and life to Jesus. a week later i stood by her side for her "Jesus wedding" as she was baptized, making a public declaration of her love for the Lord.

last weekend, i stood and watched her walk down the same isle to give her heart, affection, commitment and life to the man God created to be her husband. i stood by her side in her God-ordained wedding. and i have never been more proud of someone in my life. i held back tears the whole time. amazed by all that God has done in her life over the past year and a half. honored to be her best friend, and amazed that God gave me such an incredible covenant friend. a sister. a relationship that will last a lifetime. our friendship has survived the test of time. 6 years and going strong. and the test of distance. i moved 1300 miles away for 2 years for college. she was mad, but we stayed close. and we've never been more close than we are today.

she is madly in love with Jesus, so much so that a lot of times her relationship with the Lord and her faith challenges me to press into Him even more than i am.

she is beauty.

and i am honored to do life with her.

we will be doing life together for the rest of our lives.

*This post is part of a community of bloggers called Five Minute Friday that takes 5 minutes every Friday to write, just for the love of writing. You can join in at lisajobaker.com* 

dear younger self...

dear younger self,

you have one of the most tender, delicate hearts around (which one day you will know that God created it that way for a very special reason)...so i am going to speak to you with depth of love and truth. and honesty.

life is hard. and your sweet heart has already been through a good beating a time or two, even at such a young age. you have experienced and walked through things that no 13 year old girl should have to walk through. life is messy. there is no formula for how to do it right. no magic potion for happiness. and it is only going to get harder and messier. challenges will come time and again, but i promise you that in times when you feel the worst and the most down and out and attacked, you are doing something right.

you see, dear one. you have an enemy. and you are a huge threat to him. he has been trying to take you out since before you were born. you were chosen. your dad wanted to stop having children, but you mother prayed and God spoke to her and told her that He had one more for them. and that was you. a child whose calling and purpose would go far beyond either of them, or even you, could ever begin to dream up. so clearly, there is a target from the enemy on your life. he wants to stop you. he will come very close to taking your life, but as Jesus promised, He will protect you at every step and the enemy will not win in his attempts to take you out. you are an overcomer. every challenge that you encounter is no match for the power that resides inside of you.

that being said, you need to know that utmost importance of being in close proximity to the heart of God at all times. seek Him. get to know Him. know the Word of God. dive into the depths of who He is. there is no limit to what you can discover of Him, you just have to ask, seek, and knock. He is waiting for you to talk to Him. you're gonna need His presence in your life every single day if you want to make it through. never forget who God is. He is your Father (even though you may hate that thought right now, He is.), your provider, your friend, your comfort, your joy, your hope, your strength, your source of life. if you let Him, He can be your everything.

you are loved beyond all measure. your God is madly in love with you. He isn't mad at you. He isn't ashamed of you. He isn't disappointed in you. and He never will be. all He ever feels for you is love. please, please, please start to really grasp and understand how much God loves you. that knowledge will carry you through anything. even the times when your faith is tested and you start to doubt...if you fall back onto that love, you will land on your feet every time and stay standing on the solid rock. you are loved, cherished, and treasured.

lovely one. stop listening to the voices around you. don't pay so much attention to what they are saying. they only bring you condemnation, guilt, shame, and a low self-worth...and darling, you are worth so much more than that. you are beautiful. beautiful does not mean perfect or flawless, for there is beauty found in imperfection. yeah, you may go through some awkward stages...trust me, you're not alone, everyone does...but you wouldn't believe the woman you become. {all beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you. Song of Songs 4:7} so...chin up, shoulders back, let your hair down, and walk in the CONFIDENT knowledge that you are a beautiful, lovely daughter of the most high God.

you may not get attention from all the guys, but God is saving you for someone special. you'll get attention from losers, old guys, creepers, and just flat out weirdos...but hey, know that you're being protected and there's a MAN of God waiting for you, just as you are waiting for him. you know that rule that you hate so much...that you can't date till you are 18? its there to protect you. one day you will be so thankful for it. maybe you should wait till you're 25 to date. ha. but you won't. you will turn 18 and fall for the first guy that gives you attention and tells you that you are beautiful. he will steal your first kiss, and many after that. and in the end, after a short couple months, he will break your heart and you will feel a pain that you have never felt before. but time, a little chocolate, and a lot of Jesus can heal anything...and after a year of mourning this loss, you will move on and know that you deserved so much more than he ever gave you. guys will come and go, they will use you, play with your emotions and heart, make your mind go crazy, and keep you with the healthy desire to get married...but don't obsess over it. God will heal the wounds. and one day, He will bring a man who will love you, protect you, lead you, honor you, cherish you, and be the husband God created for you. wait patiently, my dear. he is coming. i haven't met him yet, but i assure you (and myself), that he is out there somewhere. perhaps on a beach in California ( but we'll get to that later). but if you remember one thing: never ever ever ever settle for a man who doesn't love Jesus. i mean REALLY love Jesus. if He is madly in love with Jesus, all the other details and desires of your heart will fall into place.

protect your purity. stay innocent. in a sex-charged and obsessed society and culture...purity is rare. but it is beautiful. you are not weird for not giving away sex like its candy. it has sacred value. it is worth waiting for. i'm waiting right along with you. and trust me, its hard. but God honors the wait and in the end, it will be so worth it. fight for purity. 

you will enter of season of drugs, alcohol abuse, depression, eating disorders, and eventually try to take your own life. honey, it is not worth it. run from those things. run into the arms of your Father God. you will be set free from every addiction, but the eating disorder will leave permanent damage on your body. some of it will be healed, some won't. you will be told that you won't be able to have babies, and i know that is one of your biggest dreams, and God has promised me that you will have a child. so don't fret when the doctors tell you  otherwise...God is bigger. this season will leave you with a story to tell and you will be able to walk with girls that are walking the same road you walked on. the enemy will constantly bring it back up and try to convince you that you are fat and ugly, but don't listen to him for nothin'. not even a second. silence him the very moment he comes crawling to your door. you have the authority to make him leave. you don't have to listen to him.

your story is beautiful. don't be afraid to tell it. be raw. be real. be honest.

you are a crazy dreamer. all those plans, desires and dreams in your heart...they will change over time...but cling tight to them. but when the time comes, don't be afraid to surrender them to the Lord so that He can plant His dreams for you in your heart. I'll give you a hint...you're not going to deliver babies for a living. ha! far from it. you never wanted to be in ministry, and its my joy to announce to you that you will be doing full time ministry for the rest of your life. right now, your heart wouldn't be content with anything else. and this alone will take you on a crazy journey. you'll move to the South to do 24/7. yes, that's right. you'll give God an affirmative NO for about 6 years...until you just can't resist the calling and stirring to go anymore. you'll discover your passions, giftings, and calling. one day you will be writing books and speaking in front of thousands and thousands of women. and as that may terrify you right now ( and if i'm honest, you're still terrified of it now)...it is the high calling you have been given. so live a life worthy of the calling you have received. you will be held to a higher standard, but that is what grace is for.

you are going to accomplish so much. but stay humble. its never been about you, and it never will be about you. it is all about advancing the fame of Jesus on the earth. stay low. there's nothing beneath you. low enough to clean a toilet or wash someone's feet. low enough to hand an incredible opportunity to someone else in order to see them grow and walk in their calling. stay low. stay humble. don't let pride creep in. this will never be about you. you are a mouth piece and a writer of the words of Heaven that God will give to you. you are chosen, called, and anointed for this. but its not about your calling, its all about Jesus. {Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. Jeremiah 1:5}

people will ridicule your dreams. you will be called crazy. they won't believe that your dreams are possible. the fact that you are a woman in itself sets you up for more challenges than the average person called to full time ministry. but listen, your voice is just as important as any man's. a house needs the voice of a mother and a father in order to function right...and you are going to be a mother in the house of God. so don't pay attention to the doubters, the people that tell you you're insane. you're not. you're a dreamer, and God made you that way because He knew you would need that crazy, mountain moving faith that most people don't have the guts to have. you have it, so never let it go. you walk by faith, and not by sight, and that is a beautiful thing.

don't ever devalue your gifts and talents. don't ever stop writing. you will, but don't. you were given words to scribe and speak. you must keep writing. even when its painful.

and if you ever catch yourself comparing yourself with other...STOP. nip it in the bud. you don't need that. you are you. you were created to be unique. from your looks to your calling. you will be surrounded by amazing leaders with amazing gifts and callings...but never forget yours. there's room enough in the Kingdom for all of you. and you are beautiful in your own skin. they are beautiful too, but so are you, my dear.

bitterness is a nasty, nasty thing. and it will grow roots in your heart. and it will be painful when those roots are ripped from their places. but never let it grow again. if bitterness tries to pop its ugly head up, shut it down. it is not worth it. be slow to anger, and quick to forgive.

you miss your dad. a lot. you wonder all the time why he left. you are insecure because you never had a daddy to tell you that you are beautiful. but God is your perfect Father. its safe to trust Him. He won't leave you. ever. your dad will die when you are 15. but you will get to chance to see him one more time, to hear him ask for forgiveness, to experience a beautiful moment of reconciliation. there will be a void in your life forever, but there is healing and joy in Jesus. and in your college years, God will give you a man who will be your spiritual father that will blow away all of your expectations and desires that you've wanted in a father for your whole life. he will love you, lead you, protect you, listen to you, affirm your worth, speak truth to you, know you better than anyone else, point you to Jesus, believe in you, and be one of your best friends and heroes. he will make fun of you all the time, so start sharpening your wit and quick humor now. you'll need it.

value your family. seriously. they can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. but they are incredible people, flawed...but great. you will butt heads with them a lot. but they love you. accept them and love them the way they are. you will be a leader and a catalyst in your family one day. love the mess out of them. don't just tolerate them. they are some of the most important souls in your life. and just know...you will have a relationship with your brother one day. don't let bitterness grow...he is an incredible man and will be one of your closest allies one day. your sisters are your forever friends. your brothers are there to protect you and love you. and your mom...you will fight a lot, you will get on each others nerves, you will want to punch her and run away from her...but it will get better. you will be friends one day. and it will come in seasons that will come and go. she is wounded. have grace for her at all times. she loves you deeply.

don't be afraid to be BOLD. you feel things with an intensity that most people don't. you love deeper than most. you are passionate about things. you go all in or nothing. and that's a good thing. it can also get you in a lot of trouble if its not used correctly. but do not be afraid to be bold and passionate. you were created this way for a reason.

the most important thing i can tell you is to be careful of the relationships you chose. you will probably hear your youth pastor say about 10,000 times, "show me your friends and i'll show you your future." as cheesy as it sounds, it is the absolute truth. you will become like the people you surround yourself with. because of this you will get into drugs and alcohol. at other times you will share in their negativity and depression. it will even lead you to your days of bulimia and anorexia. be very, very picky of who you get close to. don't be afraid to love people, but always protect your heart and be wise in who you let influence you. you can be in the world and not of it. surround yourself with godly, Jesus loving people. one of your best friends will walk away from the Lord for a number of years, but NEVER stop praying for her or believing for her...because of your constant love and prayers...she will come back running to Jesus' arms. and she will be the best friend you will ever have. you will make amazing, covenant friendships that will last a lifetime. God has some really, really, really phenomenal human beings down the road to be your friends, brothers and sisters. you are not alone. ever.

don't have any secrets. they will eat you alive and destroy you. turns out God really does know what He is talking about when He says {confess your sins to one another, and you will be healed. James 5:16}

be brave. be valiant. be full of faith. cast off all the fears that want to bog you down. they are broken chains, and unfortunately you won't throw them off for many, many years...but know that you are free. you just have to walk in it.

always be obedient to what the Lord asks you to do. even when it seems absolutely crazy. one simple conversation could change the very course of your life. (and it will)...so always be alert and obedient to the whispers of the Holy Spirit. you're sensitive and able to hear Him for a reason. so listen well.

God has some wild, crazy, scary, massive, earth-shaking plans for you...lovely one. I cannot wait to see where He takes you and what He uses you to accomplish.

never, ever, ever give up.

don't forget where you came from, and never lose sight of where you are going.

go on adventure.

be random.

make the most of every moment and opportunity.

be a good friend.

be compassionate.

love extravagantly.

embrace all the things that make you unique.

and one last thing. never take life too seriously. laugh. have fun. do stupid, crazy things. and always be yourself. you are enough. stop hiding. you have so much to offer.

so much love and all of the courage i can pass on to you, 

your older self.

lonely

lonely has been the theme of my life for the past month.

that's a sad statement. but, completely true.

a little over a month ago, i left the place i called home for 2 years to come back to my original "home", that consequently no longer feels like home. i left my community of family and friends, an incredible environment and church- to come here. a dry, dead environment where i have no sense of community whatsoever.

i cracked under the weight of it all about 3 nights ago. i sat outside in the freezing cold (i live in Colorado)...texting my best friend in Alabama. crying harder than i have in a very long time. sharing my heart. how i was sick of being alone and not having any friends or anyone to share my heartache, joys, and Jesus stories with. sick of being in a spiritually dead environment. starving for the presence of God.

i'm never alone. i'm always with people. but even in the midst of all of them. i honestly don't think i have ever felt more alone in my life.

i know this is where God asked me to be. and it still makes me mad, sad, irritated, depressed, anxious- a whole flux of emotions. 

but He asked me to come here.

this is my "in-between" from Alabama to California...where I am moving for long term in about a year. but it is such a struggle for me to not view it as "just" an in-between. just a waiting room. just a place to prepare for where i am really supposed to be. cause this is where i am supposed to be. for this season of waiting and preparation.

everyday i think about Alabama. everyday i think about California. i fell like my anxiety with being back in Colorado is keeping me from being here. 

i see all this. i know all this. i feel all this.

but here's what else i know.

the rock that i have to stand on.

or my loneliness will cause me to lose heart and sink.

and i'm stronger than that.

my God is stronger than that.

"NEVER will I leave you, nor will I forsake you."

"I am with you always, even to the very end of the age."

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and very courageous. Do not be discouraged. Do not be afraid. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

"Nothing in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of Christ Jesus."

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascent to heaven, You are there. If I make my bed in the depths, You are there."

i may feel alone.

i may not have community here.

but i am not alone.

my Father is with me.

my sweet Jesus is with me.

the Holy Spirit accompanies me wherever i go.

loneliness. just like every negative emotion. is a lie.

even when we feel "lonely", chances are we've simply forgotten that we are never alone.

just as i have forgotten.

but as i have been gently, yet forcefully reminded, allow me to remind you...

lovely one...

though you feel lonely,

you are NOT alone.

*This post is part of a community of bloggers called Five Minute Friday that takes 5 minutes every Friday to write, just for the love of writing. You can join in at lisajobaker.com* 

today

we live in a culture and time that encourages business and filling up every minute of every day with work or activities.

we're constantly being told to focus on where we are going. tomorrow. a month from now. a year from now. five years from now. "what are your long term goals?" and if you don't have goals or a visions for your life, then what the heck are you doing?

do we forget that part of vision is seeing what is directly in front of you, not just ten years down the road?

if fact, i'd go as far to say that one of the biggest parts of vision is seeing what is around you and before you...right now. the present.

i might have dreams of writing books and speaking internationally at women's conferences and churches one day, but if i forget about today, those dreams are never going to happen.

i need to love Jesus with all i am. today.

i need to develop godly character. today.

i need to strive to live a life of increased and consistent integrity. today.

i need to love the people around me. today.

i need to develop my gifts and talents. today.

i need to be content with where i am and what my life looks like. today.

i'm not saying that its bad to have a life vision or to dream. quite contrary. i have massive vision for my life. i am by nature a dreamer. i dream big, bold, audacious dreams. dreams others wouldn't dare to dream.

but if i don't focus on loving Jesus, loving people, being 100% who God created me to be today, the destiny He has planned out for me will never happen in my tomorrows. 

my heart's desire is to be a tangible expression of Christ to the world. today. and tomorrow. but the present is all i have right now, and it must be attacked vigorously.

Matthew 11:12- "From the days of John the Baptist until now, the Kingdom of Heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it."

so in the midst of business and full time slots, i wonder if the King of Love is beckoning us to hit the pause button on life. to settle down. to be still. to focus on the moment. right now.

time is fleeting and is passing by like the wind. moments we will never get back.

will you hit the pause button on life with me?

in this moment. settle down. be still. listen to the heartbeat of God. listen for His whispers.

i wonder if the reason the Lord speaks in a whisper is that you have to be in close proximity in order to hear a whisper.

you can't hear a whisper from a mile away.

you have to put your ear right next to the whisperer's face.

so push aside the business and distractions. turn of the noise and voices that are clouding your focus. and draw near to the heart of God. today. close enough to hear His whisper and dance along with His heartbeat. 

and when we draw near to Him, today, we will become more like Him. today. 

and isn't that really what we live for as Christ followers?

to love Jesus and to look more like Him.

today.

Psalm 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God."

*this post was part of a community of writers that take 5 minutes every Friday to write, just for the love of writing. you can join in at www.lisajobaker.com*

redemption's kiss

if you've been a Christ follower for any amount of time, you've probably heard the reference to the verse that says, "He will bestow on them a crown of beauty, instead of ashes." (Isaiah 61:3)

i've always loved this verse and held tight to the promise that it offers. but i have seen the most beautiful portrayal of the promise of this verse coming to reality in the life of a young, teenage girl i had the honor of leading to the Lord last year.

see, i've spent the past two years in full time ministry and leadership school at Church of the Highlands in Birmingham, Alabama. my life was completely transformed there and i had the privilege of being part of some big, life altering ministry for some pretty extraordinary people.

once a year, a bunch of us in the youth ministry concentration track got to put on a "spiritual emphasis week" at a local, at risk, Christian junior high/ high school. most of these kids come from broken families. a lot of them are on drugs. some of them are pregnant. many of them have suffered severe abuse. most of them come from poor families. and we wanted to go in and show them the love of Christ and help empower them to walk in a close relationship with Him, to find their purpose and go after God's dreams for them.

this particular week we were there, the theme we were pressing on them was "stand". i had the honor of leading a small group of about 7 high school girls. one of the discussion questions on this particular day was "is there anything in your life that you feel like you can't stand back up from?" i asked. no response. awkward silence. so i told them- "i'll tell you my story and what i've been able to stand up from. if i'm real with you, all i ask is that in return, you be real with me. okay?" i told them my testimony. dad abandoning my family. growing up hating him. drug addiction. poor life choices. eating disorder. cutting addiction. depression. suicidal attempts. dad dying. best friend dying in an accident. finding Jesus among the rubble. Him plucking my out and giving me life, joy and purpose.

a few of the girls opened up. one of the girls said she had something, but she didn't want to say. i pleaded with her to share with me. told her i was a safe place to share her heart with. she told me. "this summer i had an abortion. i know God forgives me. but i think about him everyday." my heart shattered for this precious little girl. i said something to the like of, "you know you're forgiven right? - you know He has washed away your stains and made you pure and whole, right" she said yes. i told her we would talk tomorrow. i wanted to pray about what to say and talk to some older women in ministry who might know better how to handle that kind of situation.

i had some mentors pray with me. shared my plan that i felt like the Lord laid on my heart. and decided i was going to step back, and let the Holy Spirit work through me. the next day, my dear friend Brittany and i led a break out service for all the girls. she shared her heart with them. i shared my heart and my story. i led them through communion and into a time of prayer and fellowship with Jesus. we left cups of grape juice and chunks of bread at the front of the room and told them that whenever they were ready, Jesus was ready to meet with them, and we made ourselves available for prayer. we saw God work miracles in the lives of dozens of girls. salvation. healing. confessing secrets and finding freedom. it was truly amazing.

we asked this sweet, young girl to stay behind so that we could talk with her and pray with her.

she opened up to the both of us and shared exactly what happened. how she got pregnant from a boy who was abusing her. how she had always been against abortion. how she talked it out with her mom and decided she didn't have any other option. how she already knew it was a boy. how she hated herself because of it and just couldn't forgive herself.

i wanted to walk her through a healing journey God placed on my heart. i told her that if she was open, real and honest with us and herself, like she had been, i felt as though God would do something incredible and it would bring a lot of healing to her heart.

i had her close her eyes and asked her what she wanted to say to her baby.

i watched as she fell apart, and had to fight to keep my own composure together.

"im sorry. im so sorry. i never wanted to kill you. i wish i could hold you. im so sorry. please forgive me. i wish i could hold you and know you and be your mommy. please forgive me."

im sorry.

im so sorry.

over and over again.

i asked her what she thought her baby wanted to say to her.

"i forgive you. i know you didn't want to do it. i wish you could hold me. you will hold me one day. im safe with Jesus. i forgive you. please forgive yourself. i love you, mommy. i love you."

i asked her to respond to her baby.

"i love you. i miss you. thank you for forgiving me. im so sorry. i just want to hold you."

her, myself and Brittney are all sobbing at this point.

i cant tell you how strongly the presence of God was in the school room.

i asked her what she wanted to say to Jesus.

"im sorry, Jesus. im so sorry. i love you. please forgive me. i want you in my life. i want to ask you to come into my life and to be my friend. to change me. to forgive me. i love you. im sorry."

i asked her what she thought Jesus wanted to say to her.

"He wants me to know that He forgives me. that He loves me. that He is holding my baby. that He doesn't blame me and He's not mad at me. that He wants to be my friend too. that He wants me to forgive myself." 

i asked her to respond to Jesus. 

"thank you for forgiving me. i love you. i love you so much. im so sorry. thank you for coming into my heart. thank you for forgiving me. thank you for taking care of my baby since i couldn't. i love you."

me and Brittany were holding her as she was talking to Jesus. we cried with her. prayed over her. told her that this was her turning point. that she was new. clean. pure. whole. free. beautiful. and that because of this, because of her story- she was going to be able to reach countless other young girls who have been through it and didn't know what to do, or how to move past it.

she looked up at us and she was shining. her face was radiant. fifteen minutes prior, her eyes told a story of shame and heartbreak. her eyes were full of hope and the love of Christ in this moment. her entire spirit and composure was different.

i told her to close her eyes and wait. i jumped up and grabbed a cup of grape juice and a chunk of bread. i kneeled in front of her and told her to open her eyes. i said to her, "this is the body and the blood of Jesus. broken and poured out for you. it heals your heart. it makes you whole. it makes you clean. it was given for you." she ripped it out of my hands and devoured it. i could see her desire for Jesus so clearly.

i pulled a white rose out from behind my back and told her that we got her a rose. its white because that is the color of purity, and Jesus had made her clean, and washed her sins as white as snow. that Jesus makes her a virgin again. that she is restored.

she fell apart again. and so did we.

i saw redemption's kiss on her life in a way i had never witnessed before. it was truly the most beautiful encounter with heaven i had ever witnessed and been a part of.

this was the personification of the promise that He gives to give us beauty for our ashes.

*this post was part of a community of writers that take 5 minutes every Friday to write, just for the love of writing. you can join in at www.lisajobaker.com*

my slice of paradise

allow me to share with you my little slice of heaven. probably my most favorite place on earth. this beauty is found in Dana Point, California. (in the lovely Orange County.) this place has completely captured my heart and in beckons me to return. i cannot wait to live here. what a great reminder of how BIG and BEAUTIFUL our God is. He truly is limitless. Jesus speaks through mountains and oceans more than anything. i can't believe He is calling me to live in a place of such beauty and splendor.

there your heart will be also...

what is treasure? 

do we have a clear picture of what a treasure is? 

do we know what it means to truly hold a treasure? 

or do we see things as merely possessions?

Jesus talked to the crowds about what it means to have treasure, and more importantly, what we need to hold as a treasure, and what we need to hold onto as merely a temporary possession.  

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."[Matthew 6:19-21]

this verse is typically discussed in a context of money and possessions and getting more when we enter the gates of eternity.

but what if it is more than that?

what if storing treasure in heaven is more than trying to get a better job, bigger house, or another jewel on  your crown? 

what if the treasure is Jesus himself. 

what if this treasure is investing in our relationship with Jesus, so that when we step into eternity, we can behold the One we have loved our whole lives - and really KNOW Him. not just know of Him. 

the definition of treasure is as follows:  

{wealth or riches, stored or accumulated. valuable things. any thing or person, greatly valued or highly prized. to regard or treat as precious- (high cost, worthy, esteemed)...}

the verb definition of treasure is "KEPT CAREFULLY".

so if Jesus and our relationship with Him is the treasure- we must ask ourselves...

have we regarded Him as valuable? 

have we treated His presence as something precious? worthy? of high cost?  not something to be thrown around and taken for granted? 

and the one that steals my heart the most. have we kept carefully our relationship with our beautiful Lord? 

do we fully grasp and understand the honor and weight of being able to talk to, love, relate with, hear from, and spend our lives with the King of the universe? 

its nothing to be taken lightly. it truly is something we must treasure. 

how do you treat something that is a treasure? 

look at stories those who hear of a hidden treasure and the measures they go to find it. 

they seek out the treasure. 

with a detailed plan. 

with intentionality. 

with passion. 

relentlessly until they find it. 

going against all odds and opposing forces. 

fighting off anything or anyone that would come between them and their treasure. 

and when they find the treasure they had been seeking...

they are in awe that they actually found it and have something so precious in their grasp. 

they protect it. making sure nothing and nobody steals their treasure. 

they value it. its not just something to leave laying on the ground, to come back to when you decide you want to use it. no. you value it, use it. 

and they keep it close. being careful not to lose or devalue it. 

what would it look like if we sought out Jesus is such a way, and protected our relationships with Him to the point of it being our literal treasure? 

your treasure is your attitude toward your possessions. It is whatever you most eagerly strive to attain. It is that which you most dread to lose.

the most important reasons that Jesus gives us for storing up treasures in heaven is found in verse 21 - "where your treasure us, there your heart will be also." 

the word "heart" is used to indicate the core of our being, the wellsprings of all we do. (which is why Proverbs 4:23 instructs us with - "above all else, guard your heart. for it is the wellspring of all life.") 

so when Jesus says "where your treasure is...", He means that the entirety of our being is wrapped up in our treasures. our hearts are set on what we most highly treasure. and where we place our treasure is where we will set our affections. our hearts follow our treasure, not our treasure following our heart. your treasure determines the position of your heart. 

where is your treasure? 

you can recognize your treasure by the things you think are the most important to you, what you believe you cannot live without, what brings you the greatest joy and satisfaction, and what consumes your thoughts. you might be willing to part with other things, but you hold your treasure close to your heart and will not give it up for anything or anyone.

you are committed to that which you treasure, and you will invest in what you are committed to. the things we treasure give our lives direction. what we treasure occupies our minds and holds our emotions. its is the common theme of our conversations. it governs our time with planning, goals, and dreams about our treasure...and drives us to fulfill the dreams associated with our treasure.

for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

and where your heart and treasure is will determine what your life is a reflection of. 

1 Timothy 6:17-19 {Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.} 

when your treasure is Jesus, you begin to look more and more like Him. 

Paul understood this reality, probably more than anyone else. 

Philippians 3:7-12 

{But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ — yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.} 

he lost everything. 

why? 

because he understood the worth of knowing Christ. 

he gave up everything because his heartbeat was for one thing, and one thing alone. 

I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST. 

nothing else could compare to the worth of knowing Christ. 

Jesus is the treasure. 

and where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

in-between

i am living in the in-between.

and the in-between is the hardest place to be.

i just wrapped up a season of training, breaking, stretching, growing, changing, molding and discovering who God created me to be and what He made me to do.

and i know my destination.

California.

The Movement Church.

Pastor Carey and Meghan Robinson.

my heart has taken up residence in California, even though the Lord has asked me to enter into another season of waiting and preparation for where He is taking me, by spending the next year in Colorado before He allows me to transition to California.

i was not happy about it when i figured out that this was what it was going to take to get me back to California, for good this time.

i'm still not absolutely thrilled about it.

on Monday night, while I was still in Birmingham, i went over to my wonderful spiritual parent's house to see them one more time and say my farewells.

it hadn't hit me that my moving away from Alabama was real until that night, when i had to say goodbye to the two single most important people in my life.

i was sitting on the couch next to my momma, Jackie, and laid down in her lap and told her i needed to leave but didn't want to, and started to cry. a lot. she rubbed my back and held me and assured me that i was doing the right thing, that i was obeying the call of God on my life, that i chose this and its hard and takes sacrifice to be where God calls us to be.

i held onto them as long as i could and got as many hugs and kisses as i could before i left.

i bawled on the way home.

it hit me that i was leaving the next day. permanently.

i listened to Oceans by Hillsong, cause its been my anthem through this whole process.

i yelled at God and told Him how angry i was that He was making me spend a year in Colorado and that He was taking me so far away from Birmingham and all the people i love so much there.

i didn't sleep that night because i had so much packing and cleaning to do. i cried off and on the whole night. and morning. and afternoon. and evening. and at the airport. and on the plane. and when i got home.

there is so much comfort in saying goodby and knowing when you'll see somebody again. and there is so much pain in saying goodbye and having no idea when you'll see that person again.

so now. here i am. living in the in-between.

the struggle is trying not to see it as just the in-between.

trying not to feel like my calling is on hold.

its not on hold.

the Lord asked me to spend a year here preparing to move to California.

i am right where i am supposed to be.

i am smack dab in the middle of God's call on my life.

no matter how hard it may be.

no matter how much i don't want to be here.

no matter the pain of leaving my family in Alabama.

no matter the fact that i barely know anyone here and don't have a good church here. yet.

even though i have moved on and finished my Highlands College journey completely.

even though my family thinks i am insane and i have a lot of relationship conflict with them.

even though i am working towards moving to California to be part of an incredible church and serve under the leadership of some of the most phenomenal leaders i have ever met before.

i am living in the in-between, but i am right where God wants me.

sometimes in the in-between, in the seasons of waiting and preparation, it might not feel like it, but we are in the middle of God's plan.

sometimes the biggest lessons and times of growth happen in the in-between.

i know this year is going to be a challenge.

i know its going to break me.

i know i am going to face obstacles, discouragement, and so much more.

but i know that He is with me in the in-between.

He has promised never to leave me.

He has prepared the way for me here.

He came before me.

He is already going before me to California to prepare the way for that new journey.

and He is right here. with me. never to leave me or forsake me.

i'm not mad that He brought me here. i am thankful He is with me. i know i can make it through the hardship because i know He is with me. He has given me the strength and everything i need to make it through this year.

its a faith journey and adventure.

its blind faith.

its a lot of unknowns.

its not knowing what this year will bring.

but it is trusting that He is with me and i am right where He wants me to be.

in the in-between.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and very courageous. Do not be discouraged. Do not be afraid. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." {Joshua 1:9} 

*this post was part of a community of writers that take 5 minutes every Friday to write, just for the love of writing. you can join in at www.lisajobaker.com*

rhythms of the Father's heart

{For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.} [Zephaniah 3:17]

have you ever wondered what the songs that Heaven sings over you sound like?

there is a distinct rhythm to every song that has ever been written.

rhythm is defined as "movement or procedure with uniform or patterned recurrence of a beat, accent, or the like."

i don't know about you, but if life is a song, there is nothing uniform or patterned about my life.

its high notes and low notes. continuous strands of the same note as i learn lessons over and over again. its random, choppy notes thrown in here and there. sometimes its one of those black notes that we non-musical people have no idea why those are even on a keyboard. it sounds more like the musical creation of a two year old sitting down and banging on the keys. uniform is far from the descriptive word i would use to describe this song that is my life.

from the outside perspective, there is no rhythm.

sometimes it even feels like multiple songs are being blared through the speakers at the same time.

songs of adventure.

songs of loss.

songs of hope.

songs of sadness.

songs of joy.

songs of confusion.

songs of love.

songs of deep heartbreak.

not all of these songs are songs of heaven though.

the songs of heaven are good, lovely and full of hope.

{every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like the shifting shadows} [James 1:17]

according to this verse, there is a consistent rhythm to the song that the Father is singing over your life, even when it doesn't look like it from our limited perspective.

our lives might be a string of random notes, but there is one source of consistency we can always rely on.

as i look back on my own life and the crazy, wild adventure, battle ground, faith journey that it has been- i see the rhythms of my Father through it all.

He is my constant.

He is my source of consistency.

He never changes.

as faithful as the tide to the shore.

as steady as the rising and setting sun.

He is there.

every moment, He has been there.

i see the waves of who He is that wash up on the shore of my life.

His faithfulness.

His joy.

His love. 

His strength.

His provision.

His hope.

His freedom.

His power.

His grace. 

His presence is always there.

so even when my life sounds like the musical reminiscing of a two year old, there is a sound coming from Heaven that invades earth and brings a constant reminder of the rhythms of the Father and all that He is.

He will rejoice over you with singing.

if you look at who God has been to you and all His faithfulness, you can so clearly hear the song of heaven that He is singing over you. more beautiful than any sound you've ever heard before, for it shouts of His great love and compassion for His children.

still the noise and take a moment to listen to the sounds of heaven.

{i'm caught in the rhythms of grace. they overcome all of my ways. realigning each step everyday to live for Your glory.}

*this post was part of a community of writers that take 5 minutes every Friday to write, just for the love of writing. you can join in at www.lisajobaker.com*

the face of slavery

i've been avoiding this post for awhile.

its time to give voice to the words in my heart.

about two months ago i went on a mission trip to the Atlanta Dream Center.

i saw and experienced things there that i never thought i would encounter in my own country.

i knew human trafficking and slavery and prostitution existed here.

i've known. i've used my voice to spread awareness. i've spent hours praying, reading, weeping over it.

but it became real to me in Atlanta.

it went from being a label and a number, to being a face.

a face that will forever be burned in my mind's eye.

it started when we went to a place called Underground Atlanta to do water bottle ministry.

basically, we walk around the streets and shops offering people water, talking to them, asking if there's anything we could pray for them about, and if they accepted, to pray with them.

my group was standing outside and i noticed a guy and a girl standing about twenty feet away.

immediately in my spirit, i knew something was wrong.

he had her pinned against the wall.

her face was down. she refused to look at him. you could see the disgust in her eyes.

i saw him slip a giant wad of cash into her delicate hand.

he grabbed her shoulder and forcefully pulled her along to walk down the street.

i could see that she didn't want to go with him. it was so obvious.

i watched them for about ten minutes.

i saw her try to give him back the money. he refused. time after time.

they walked back the other way. her face down in shame. being drug along by this sick pig.

he was pointing to nearby buildings. hotels.

there was another man who walked with them the whole time, watching her life a hawk.

i assume he was her pimp.

and i quickly figured out that what i was witnessing was this young girl being sold for sex.

another girl on my team noticed too and said the same thing.

i wanted to go up to her, grab her hand, tell her she was beautiful, that Jesus loved her and had a plan for her life that was so much bigger than this, and protect her from ever being used by another man again.

but i couldn't. i felt so helpless. i was just watching her destiny being stolen.

the girl in the yellow sweater. i can't forget her.

that same night we got into our hotel.

the Stratford Inn.

this place was the sketchiest, scariest, dirtiest place we could have possibly stayed in.

it was in a horrible part of town.

there was blood on the walls of my room. (and almost everyone else's rooms).

mold in the showers.

tiny rooms.

the whole place smelled like pot.

we couldn't go anywhere in the hotel without a guy escorting us to and from our room.

and the spiritual atmosphere was like nothing i had ever experienced before.

darkness so thick that you could breathe it in.

this place was a brothel.

i just knew in my spirit that countless women had been raped in this hotel.

i could see it. {mental images of women being used flashed in my mind}

i could feel it. {cringing. i could feel their pain}

i could hear it. {i could her their screams echoing in my mind}

i could taste it. {the shame}

i could touch it. {the walls. the bed. the blood stains. it was real.}

i had to go to my best friend's room across the hall and cry it out and pray with them. i felt the heaviness of the burden of the darkness that surrounded us and the very present evil wading around in that hotel.

i knew the He that is in me is GREATER than the spirits ruling there, and i had no problem taking authority, but i couldn't ignore what the Lord was showing me and the weight of heartache i felt for these girls. His daughters.

i knew in that moment, more than ever, that part of my life calling is to rescue these girls out of slavery.

i prayed. read scriptures over the room i was in. made war in the heavenlies for the girls being used in the rooms around us and on the other levels of the hotel. played worship music all night to fill the room with the peace of the presence of Jesus.

i don't know if you've ever experienced this feeling, but sometimes i wake up and my body is just exhausted and i can tell that my spirit had been fighting the whole night.

that's what i felt like the next morning. my spirit had been making war all night long.

two days later: Princess Night.

princess night is the prostitute ministry of the Atlanta Dream Center.

they go out onto the streets every friday night to tell these girls that they are loved and beautiful, and to give them a rose and a rescue hotline phone number.

they build relationships with these girls, and through the process of time, work to get them off the streets.

if these girls accept a rose, most of the time they risk being beat by their pimp. so it is a huge win if we could even get them to accept a rose, and a loss at the same time because of the consequences.

so we break up into teams, get into two vans and hit the streets.

we go to an area of town where it is cheap motel after cheap motel, sex shop after sex shop, strip club after strip club. its a very shady part of Atlanta.

we drove up and down the streets in the darkness, praying, and occasionally stopping to talk to a girl. 

the first girl we stopped for walked away and wouldn't talk to us because her pimp was watching her.

the second girl, myself and my friend Ashley got to speak with.

we got out of the van. walk up to her and ask if we could talk to her. she said yes.

i was captivated by her brokenness.

her face.

she couldn't have been more than 20 years old.

she had cuts on her face.

you could tell she was strung out on drugs.

she looked spent. completely.

i looked in her eyes. and saw nothing. there was no life left. she was empty. 

we hand her a white rose and tell her that she is loved. and she is beautiful.

she started crying and mouthed the words "thank you".

we gave her a bracelet that had a cross on it. she said that it was beautiful.

we asked if we could pray for her. she said we could. 15 seconds of pouring the love of Jesus on her and we had to walk away.

i literally felt as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

i didn't want to leave her alone.

i felt even more helpless than i did with the girl in the yellow sweater.

i pictured myself holding her in my momma bear arms.

telling her how much Jesus adores her and how great His plans are for her life and how He can make her whole, rescue her and make her pure again.

i saw myself gently grabbing her cheeks, me crying, saying, "You are so brave. You are so strong. You are so beautiful. You are a daughter of the most high God and He LOVES you SO MUCH. Let Him rescue you."

even though i saw the abuse and shame on her face, at the same time i saw innocence. i saw destiny. i saw a daughter who needed her Daddy. 

but it was all in my mind.

i had to walk away.

i have to endure the thought of her precious heart being violated over, and over again.

i got in the van and immediately fell apart. not just crying. sobbing. gut wrenching sobbing. audible sobs.

i've never felt so helpless or so broken over someone else's pain like that before.

i'm crying now, writing these words.

i can still see her face. she is the face of the 27 million slaves on the earth. they are individuals. stories. people. daughters (and sons) of our Father.

we kept driving and moments later encountered the girl in the pink pants.

a couple of our girls walked up to her to try and talk to her, but couldn't because her pimp wasn't having it.

he told us, "she's received a thousand roses and they are all dead, she doesn't need another one."

each rose represents a dream.

each dream from her past, present and future. and her pimp was speaking over her that all her dreams were dead and there was no point in having any more.

broken.

he was telling her that she wasn't allowed to dream again.

no hopes of freedom.

no hopes of a better life.

no hope at all.

she belonged to him.

we drove past motels that had semi-trucks parked outside. all their lights on. with one back door open. and you just knew that there were girls being used in the back of those trucks.

i wanted to vomit.

i've never witnessed or experienced something more sobering or heartbreaking in my life.

but through it all, i never had that "ugh" or "gross" feeling or thought process.

no.

all i felt was love.

all i knew in that moment was compassion.

i understood, on a very small scale, for the first time in my life, what it meant when the Bible said,

"...when he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36)

only compassion. 

nothing less. 

i saw God's daughters. 

beautiful. 

treasures. 

valuable. 

they weren't "just prostitutes", like people so often say. 

every prostitute. every woman being trafficked. IS GOD'S DAUGHTER. 

she is valuable. 

she has intrinsic value that has absolutely nothing to do with what she does or what she has been caught up into. her value simply exists because of who she is. a child of the most high God. 

every verse that we believe for ourselves, is just as true about her as it is about us. 

Ephesians 2:10- "We are God's masterpiece. Created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which He prepared in advance for us to do." 

Psalm 139:14, 17-18- "I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. How wonderful are your works, O God. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand-- when I awake, you are still with me." 

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." 

Song of Songs 4:7 - "All beautiful you are, my darling. There is no flaw in you." 

what right do we have to feel disgusted by a girl who is a prostitute? 

is your sin any better than hers? 

Jesus loved prostitutes and spent a lot of His time on earth fellowshipping with them. He didn't judge them or act disgusted by them. He loved them. He embraced them where they were. 

will you join me in seeing the value in EVERY SINGLE ONE of God's daughters? 

no labels. 

no judgement. 

no disgust. 

no preconceived notions. 

just grace. 

just compassion. 

just love. 

just extending the compassion of the One that created them. 

nothing less. 

i challenge you to a life of compassion. 

no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. 

Jesus wasn't disgusted by your humanity or your sin. 

we have no right to be disgusted by anyone else's humanity or sin. 

compassion is the life we are called to as believers. 

they are just waiting for someone to love them like Jesus.