cuando levanto mis manos...

i'll pour my tears into the ocean

Five months ago I lost my best friend in a freak accident.

Shortly after, I was able to leave the state and start a new life. I never dealt with my pain, I simply buried it and tried to ignore what had happened. I now find myself back in Colorado and a wave of memories and grief has hit me. I miss him so much.

One song has been resonating in my heart these past couple days.

"I'll pour my tears in the ocean. And I'll leave my pain by the shore.
With a mighty wave you'll sweep them away, till they are no more"

No matter how much pain I endure, how many attacks are thrown my way, one thing remains: My God is faithful to heal my heart and He is constantly fighting for me.

I have carried a burden of guilt around on my shoulders that I am ready to leave in His mighty ocean of freedom and love. Luke was on the way to pick me up the night of the accident. I was convinced that had I not said anything, not made plans to spend time together, maybe, just maybe he would still be alive. Even if this is true, it is not my burden to carry and I know Luke would not want me to feel responsible for his death. It was an attack of the enemy.

Every single tear we cry is collected in the hands of God. He doesn't forget a single drop. A single heartbreak. Our pain is not unseen. We are not alone. He has never left us, even when He feels a million miles away.

I am beginning to realize the closeness of our God. He is everywhere, but He is interested in mending my broken heart. He holds my hand. He hold my heart. He wraps His arms around me. He inhabits my heart and makes my body a temple for Him to dwell in. He is right here next to me.

The God of everything holds my hand and never lets go.

Perhaps it is most powerfully seen in the picture of Jesus in this Christmas season. The God that created the expanse of the universe came as a helpless baby. God breathed our air. God had to learn how to talk. God had to learn how to walk. God had a runny nose. God felt the cold air upon His skin. God fell and scraped His knee. God slept. God got sunburns. God felt alone, was rejected and abandoned. God wrapped Himself in flesh and became one of us.

His name is Emmanuel. God with us.

God is not some far off being. He is relational. He is close. He wants to hear our hearts and know us in the most intimate places.

Psalm 34:18 says, "If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath." (MSG)

He cares. I cast all of my cares upon Him, because He cares for me. His heart breaks when our hearts break. But He doesn't stop there. He offers healing, hope, and restoration. He takes our broken hearts in His hand and gently puts together the broken pieces, making us whole.

You are never too broken or too far lost for Him to create something beautiful out of. See, brokenness, in the Kingdom of God, is a beautiful thing. It creates the opportunity for God to work His miracles.

Stained glass windows are some of the most magnificent works of art we can ever behold. Do you know how they are made? Pieces of broken glass are welded together to create a masterpiece. Let God take the broken pieces of your heart and life and create something majestic. He is the artist, the potter, and we are the clay in His hands. Clay is mold-able and easily breaks when its on the wheel, but once the potter is finished, it serves the purpose He has created it to fulfill. You might only see broken pieces, but He sees a beautiful masterpiece.

One time I was fasting makeup and Luke asked me how I was doing with it. I told him I was doing great until today, I'm going out with one of my girl friends and she is just extraordinarily beautiful, and I feel intimidated by her so I have to put on makeup. He said to me, "She is probably thinking the same exact thing as she is putting on her makeup right now."

Sometimes we need other people to tell us who we are when we can't see it in ourselves. Nobody has ever instilled a sense of confidence or self-worth in me more than Luke did. I saw broken, ugly, worthless, too far gone, and something to be tossed out. He saw love, beauty, purpose, and the potential for greatness.

We can't do life alone. If we try, we will fail miserably. We need each other. I can see things in you that you can't see, and you can see things in me that I can't see. We need to begin to recognize the worth, talents and gifts inside of the people around us and draw it out of them, otherwise it could remain dormant and buried for who knows how long.

Hang onto the people in your life. You never know when they will be gone. I loved Luke more than I could ever possibly put into words. He was the best friend I have ever had. I never knew how much he meant to me and how much I valued him until he was gone and I no longer had his presence in my life. Right now, I would give anything to be able to talk to him just one more time. I would tell him how much of an impact he had in my life, how he was one of the most extraordinary and loving people I have ever know, and how much I loved him.Value people. When it comes down to it, it is all about people. Make the most of every moment. Life is a vapor.

It took me losing my best friend to discover how close God is. His death was not a part of God's plan and not for one second can you even try to tell me that God "took him", cause he didn't. But God has used his death to show me the depth of His love, grace, compassion and hope that are found once we take the step into the vast ocean of His heart. God is not far, He is right here.

Found in the words of the songs of this season we find the eternal plan of God:

"Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death's dark shadows put to flight."

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till' He appeared and the soul felt its worth."

"Born that man no more may die. Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth."

"And with His blood, mankind He has bought."

Jesus has come. He remains. Never to leave us behind.

If we take the step into His ocean of healing, He will wash over us and erase the wounds of the past, making us new and completely whole.

Wounds heal. Scars fade. Jesus gives us new hearts and as long as He holds our hearts, there is a depth of life and hope that can be found in no other place.

Surrender. Let go. Find freedom in His arms.

you are more, you've been remade.

On my wall hangs a small, broken, ugly bike lamp.

To anybody else, this insignificant piece of plastic would be trash. To me, it is a daily reminder of where I was and where God has brought me.

One night this summer at the youth group I used to be a leader at back in Colorado, the pastor told us all to go outside and find something on the ground that we thought was junk.

So I picked up this orange light.

When we got inside, we all sat in a circle and were asked to explain what we felt like God was trying to say to us through the "junk" that we picked up.

I began to explain how it was broken, it looked like it was supposed to connect to something, and disconnected it could produce no light. I related it to my life and how I had been disconnected from God and I felt like my light was going out.

The light was filled with dirt and garbage, there was no light coming from its bulbs. I talked about how I felt like my life and heart were just filled with dirt, and progressively getting dirtier and dirtier. I felt as though I was full of filth and as my life filled with dirt, the light was fading the further and further I disconnected from God.

It was broken and served no real purpose. I felt the same about my life. I was broken, damaged, my life was a wreck, and I felt as if though I would never amount to anything. I was nothing special and could never serve the original purpose God had in mind when He created me.

I thought the small piece of plastic I held in my hands was junk. I thought I was junk. Merely something to be thrown out and not considered of any use. In this light, I only saw its current condition, its flaws, brokenness, and how it was no longer useful.

Much like that light, all I saw in myself was my weakness, brokenness, scars, my past, my failures, shortcomings, and as something that would never be able to fulfill what it was created to do.

What would the creator of that light see? I imagine he would see what that light once was, and what that light had the potential to be. Indeed he would still see the brokenness, but he would also see what that light was intended to be.

The Creator God has the same perspective about you and me. When He looks at us, maybe we are much like that light. Broken, ugly, dirty, full of garbage, and something to be thrown out. But He doesn't see all that. He has a much different perspective. He sees what He created in its original form. Perfect. Spotless. Blameless. Flawless. When He looks at us, He sees His Son, Jesus. When He looks at us, He does not see what we see, rather, He sees our potential. He knows what He created us to be and what we were made to do, and any cracks or dirt that might be holding us back are simply small marks that He can erase with Jesus' Blood.

God sees what we were made to be. Not what we have become. So, why can't we see ourselves in the same light?

In that moment, I felt like my Father was telling me I needed to come back and reconnect with the light source. I needed to run back into His arms and allow His to fan into flame the fire in my heart that was quickly burning out. I needed to allow Him to purify me and cleanse me from my dirt. I needed to see myself as He saw me.

I thought I was worthless junk. I am no longer that person. I had this perspective a short 4 months ago, and now, I recognize the value that God has placed inside of me.

I know who I am in Christ. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am restored. I am pure. I am a new creation. I am holy. I am beautiful. I am the righteousness of Christ Jesus. I am accepted. I am fearless. I am strong, and He is strong in my weakness. I am persistently and passionately pursued by the romancer of my heart. I am the Beloved. I am a light in the darkness. I am a child of the most high God. I am found. I am free. I am no longer defined by my past. I have potential. The plans and purposes of God for my life are great and marvelous. I can do ALL things through Him who gives my strength.

I no longer carry my past around as a burden, or something to be ashamed of. I carry my past around as a testimony of the power and redeeming power of our God. Four months ago, I thought I was junk. I am not that person anymore. All it took was surrender and a shift in perspective.

Let God change your perspective. Don't focus on what you can't do or what you have done. Focus on what He can do and what He has done. He died so that you could have freedom, hope, forgiveness, and experience the deepest love you could ever imagine, it goes beyond comprehension.

Connect to the Light Source. Let Him make you new. Let Him show you how much you are worth. Let Him shine His light through you. Allow Him to clean you out and make you new.

He sees the plans and purposes which He intended for you when He created you, not your flaws. Its time you do the same thing.

you are my strength, strength like no other.

God is with us wherever we go. There is literally no place you can go where He is not. I learned this on a whole new level this past weekend.

Last Friday my school, Highlands College, drove up to Ft. Payne, AL, for a weekend expedition in the mountains and wilderness. I went into this weekend full of fear, dreading what could take place, knowing that I would be pushed past what I ever thought I could do and having to face my fears.

The first thing we did was to locate a GPS system that was buried based off of a degree and coordinates that we were given. It took us three hours crawling around in this field to finally find it. Turns out the coordinates we had been given were incorrect. Although this was frustrating, it was amazing the peace and unity that there was in my team because we never got frustrated or upset with each other.

After about two hours of searching I began to get really irritated, and at that point I had to stop and check my attitude, and asked the Lord what He could teach me though this exercise.

Immediately I heard His voice speak to me, "If you would search this hard for my heart and be this intentional with seeking the things of my Kingdom, you have no idea where your life would be spiritually." Woa. Conviction. Little did I know the ways in which God would reveal Himself to me within the next 30 hours.

The next day one of our challenges was to go rock climbing. I was just a little bit terrified of heights. So I sat and watched my team go up, one by one, encouraging them and seeing them get to the top every time. It was my turn to go up and I started to get real shaky and panicky.

One of the guys on my team described it to me like this: I got four feet about the ground and said "I can't go any further." I would go up another five feet and say "I can't do it." Hang there for a few minutes and then do a crazy monkey move that nobody else could do to get further up. Each time I got up a little further I would say "I can't do this."

My whole team was on the ground watching me, encouraging me, lifting me up, and helping me to place my hands and feet on the right places cause they could see things that I could not see. The thing is, I was speaking death over myself the whole time. Each time one of them would say, "You can do this." I would yell back, "No I can't." Every time they would say "I believe in you." I would say, "Well I don't." I said words I should never say. I was crying the whole way up.

The enemy was shouting lies in my ears the whole time. "You can't do this. You've never been good enough, You aren't good enough, You will never be good enough. You aren't going to make it to the top, just go back down. Give up."

My team was yelling encouragement at the same time. "You can do this. Trust us. You can't fall. You're safe. Jesus is holding you us. You are more than a conqueror. You are able. You can do all things through Christ."

I was speaking out death, refuting the encouragement and listening to the lies of the enemy. It got to a point where I had to make a decision as to which voice I was going to listen to, and who I would believe.

I had a moment where I just got sick and tired of listening to and believing the lies of the enemy, as I have my entire life, and I got angry at him. I told him, "Devil, you have no control or authority in my life any longer. I take a stand against you in the Name of Jesus and the authority He has given me and I command you to leave in His Name. I can and I will make it up this rock."

After that, I was at the top of the rock within two minutes.

I had a moment on the rock where I realized that I have spent my life extending love, grace, encouragement, forgiveness, and hope to other people. I have believed in other people and helped them believe in themselves, but I have never done the same for myself. I have never believed that I was good enough, that I could do all things through Christ. I knew it in my mind, but never truly believed it.

This has to change. For me to continue to believe in other people, that ALL things are possible for other people and not myself would be saying that the work of Jesus on the cross is good enough for them, but not for me. I'm done with believing lies. I'm done with thinking I am less than what God created me to be. No more. I believe in others and I now truly grasp the fact that ALL things are possible with God, for ME.

The whole time I was going up the rock I was looking at my "iCAN" bracelet that Sam, my spiritual father gave me a few weeks ago. I saw it and it reminded me of everything he has said to me and the work God has done in my life. And I know it was true. Philippians 4:13. I knew it, but I didn't believe it. I believed it, but I didn't really, but now I do. I know I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Its just a piece of rubber, but it does something and it instilled in my the faith I needed to make it up the rock.

At one point, the girl belaying my ropes on the ground made me completely lose my grip of the wall. I refused at first. I was no way going to let go of the grip I had on that wall. It was an issue of trust. Each time to rope slid the tiniest bit, I would panic. But the Lord spoke to me in that moment and said "Do you trust me enough to let go of the grip you still have in your life? Do you trust me enough to surrender and let me hold you up instead of you trying to do it all in your own strength?" I let go of the wall, took my feet off of the wall, and just hung there. I had peace. I knew God was holding me. I knew I could trust Him with everything.

At another point I was told to grab onto a certain place on the rock, but I didn't trust the grip I had on it. One of my teammates said, "Even if you grab onto it, and its not a good grip and you slip, you're not going to fall." Then Pastor Keith chipped in and said that there was a spiritual principle in that. At that moment I didn't care about spiritual principles, I just wanted to make it up the stupid rock. But after the fact, I spent some time thinking about it and I realized that even if I try and fail, even if I don't have the best grip in my strength on something, I will not fall because I am standing on a solid rock that cannot be shaken.

I can't really explain what happened in my spirit while I was on that rock. I know that a lot of things I have overcome in life were mountains in comparison to that 50 foot rock. I have overcome an eating disorder, a self-harm addiction, depression, drug addiction, and suicidal attempts. What was that rock in comparison? A step to the next level of freedom that God has for me. I had to climb a rock to realize what God has put inside of me and what I am capable of doing with His strength. The fear of not being good enough lost its grip on me the second I made it to the top of that rock.

Later on that day we went on to another challenge, which was to repel from a 125 foot cliff. My heart started to panic and fear began to consume me all over again. Fear paralyzes us, and so many times we don't even realize. It got to be my turn and I was just hit with a wave of fear.

I went to the almost edge of the cliff and as Tyler was hooking me up to the ropes and explaining what I had to do, I was freaking out. I started crying and started speaking that death again. "I can't do this. I'm terrified. Are you sure this is safe? I don't think I can do this."

A few years ago, when I was walking through a lot of junk, God gave me Joshua 1:9 as a promise. It says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I have held onto this promise so tightly and it is God's personal promise for me that He has never broken.

Out of nowhere, Tyler says, "Just start saying Joshua 1:9 with me." And he starts saying it. I said, out loud, "Are you joking me? That is God's verse for my life." Ha! After that, after my million questions of "Are you sure this is safe? Are you sure I can do this?" I began to repeat that verse. "Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. For God is with me wherever I go. Wherever I go. Wherever I go. Wherever I go."

And I stepped off.

I opened my eyes and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. The only thing I could do was yell "JESUS I LOVE YOU!" I could literally feel Him holding me. I have never felt so close to Jesus in my entire life. Hanging off of that cliff, the presence of God around me was so thick and real. All of my fear was completely gone. I was hit with a wave of the love of God.

1 John 4:18 says, "Perfect love casts out all fear."

That is exactly what happened. As I became overwhelmed with the love of God, all of my fear was gone. I was completely confident in my Jesus in that moment. I cannot explain to you what happened in that moment other than to say it was just Jesus. I will cling onto that moment forever.

It was surrender. Recently, the Lord has been revealing areas of my heart and life that I have hidden, buried, and not allowed Him to have access to. As I stepped off that rock, it was a complete trust and complete surrender, saying "Okay God. You can have it all. You can have every area of my heart and every aspect of my life. I am no longer my own. I step off of the cliff of control and I am allowing You to have everything." There is freedom in surrender. The moment we finally decide to surrender everything is simply beautiful.

And to look over and see my Highlands family, pastors and leaders there encouraging and cheering me on meant the world to me. We need each other. We cannot walk though life alone and be successful. God created community for a reason. We need relationships.

After this adventure we all met up to go into this massive cave and have a small service. Pastor Layne talked to us about treasuring every experience and moment, building community, allowing the Lord to work, and just sharing his heart with up. Then we turned off all of the lights and darkness took over. It was pitch black, to the point of if you put your hand in front of your face you still couldn't see anything. No distinction between having your eyes closed or open.

We began to play worship and after no time, the voices drown out the guitar and we were in one accord, as one family singing worship to our Father. It was incredible the sense of unity and family that was in that cave. It didn't matter who was playing music, who was around us, what was going on, all of the focus, plain and simple, was on Jesus. Even though we couldn't see anything, God was so clearly there and every one of us could feel His presence.

"Take my moments and my days. Let each breath that I take be ever only for You, oh God."

"My whole life is Yours, I give it all, surrendered to Your will. And forever I will pray, 'Have Your way! Have Your way!'"

One voice. One family. We are family.

A wave of God's presence began to sweep through the cave. Some began to cry, some began to laugh, others could do nothing but say the Name of Jesus. We were standing in a room with the King of the universe standing right there in the midst of our worship. We got on our knees and prayed for each other, standing in faith for our brothers and sisters. As the lights came on everyone was embracing each other, crying, sharing words of life and love. It was by far one of the most powerful worship experiences I have ever had in my entire life.

All I could do was stand there and let the tears fall as I thought about where I was, where God has brought me from, where He has brought me to and where He is taking me. I have never known the level of freedom that I am walking in today. There is nothing better than knowing who you are in Christ and being able to walk in all He has created you for.

As myself and each one of my team members went up the rock, Pastor Keith would jokingly say, "Did you know your name means 'Rock Climber'?" I was thinking about it and even though he was joking, its completely true. If you are a child of the most high God, which you are, then He has created you with EVERYTHING you need for life and godliness. You name means whatever you need it to mean in that moment, because God calls you what you might not see in yourself.

My name, Kasey, means "Vigilant. Brave. Strong. Vigilant in War." My middle name, Rebecca, means "Captivating. Beautiful. Faithful wife. Bound or tied to." Therefore, I am a warrior princess. My name means brave, the enemy has tried to paralyze me with fear for my entire life, no more. My middle name means beautiful, the enemy has attacked me with insecurity and tried to make me feel worthless my entire life, no more. I am God's daughter, strong, brave, and beautiful. I am all that He created me to be, and I have all that I need for life and godliness.

Perfect love casts out all fear. All things are possible for him who believes.

and they overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb, and the word of their testimony.

*I was hopeless and in the pit of destruction, but God helped my overcome.

*I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety, but God helped my overcome.

*I was bound by the chains of addiction, but God helped me overcome.

*I was infatuated with the opinions of the world and the need to please people, but God helped me overcome.

*I was insecure, but God helped me overcome.

*I was filled with anger, bitterness and hatred, but God helps me overcome.

*I was consumed with the ways of the world and in perpetual sin, but God helped me overcome.

*I had no one that I could trust, but God helped me overcome.

*I was empty and wanting purpose, but God helped me overcome.

*I was consumed with pain, but God helped me overcome.

*I was dependent on myself, but God helped me overcome.

This is my overcome story, what's yours?

because you are with me, I will not fear.

Today started out like any other day. I went to my school group early this morning. Drove home. Got home, hopped on Facebook and saw a post by one of the guys in my school.

"Hey guys, be careful driving to school today. There's a bunch of tornado warning."

I, being the overly cautious Colorado girl who has never seen or experienced something like this, went into research mode. I was checking every television station, weather website, and twitter message about what was going on.

I was in my bedroom on the top level of the house getting ready for school and keeping an eye on the weather. The rain got to be real bad. Then I heard the most horrifying sound I have ever heard in my entire life. The neighborhood siren. I grabbed my laptop and chucked it downstairs two levels into the basement.

I ran into the bathroom. Sat in the bathtub and called my mom, absolutely sobbing. I was home alone. Colorado girl. No idea what to do or how to respond. I started praying and speaking to the storm and telling it that it would not touch anywhere near my neighborhood.

I was talking to like five different people, trying to calm myself down and stay updated on the storms. One of my best friends prayed with me. My other best friend sympathized with me cause she was hiding in her closet feeling the same crap I was feeling. My leader at school was asking if I was okay and telling me everything was okay. My home sponsor was updating me on the storms. My brother was telling me there's nothing to fear.

I knew if I didn't do something, my fears would just escalate and grow bigger. So I sang the first song that came to my head.

"Because You're with me. Because You're with me, I will not fear. My hiding place. My safe refuge. My treasure, Lord, You are. My friend and King, anointed One, most Holy."

Over and over again. I turned the song on my laptop and it was on repeat for the entire hour and a half I was hiding in the basement. "Because You're with me. I WILL NOT FEAR."

Every fear I have ever had paled in comparison to the fear I was feeling in those moments. I have NEVER in my entire life experienced that level of fear. I can legitimately say that I have never been so afraid in my entire life.

I held onto my God. His promise. He promised me "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and very courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9) Why was I so afraid? I'm not afraid to die. I get to be in Jesus' arms. I can't describe to you the fear I felt, but I also can't describe to you the peace and confidence I had in my God as I began to speak out His Words.

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation— so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?"

Psalm 27:3 "Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident."

Psalm 91:1-2 "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart"

Psalm 91:9-12 "If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone"

My flesh and mind were screaming fear into my heart. My Spirit remained confident in the promises of my God.

My Daddy promised to protect me. My Daddy said He would keep me safe in His arms.

Because You are with me, I will not fear.

I learned a totally new meaning of clinging to God for peace and comfort in the middle of the storm. He was the only thing that kept fear from absolutely paralyzing me.

I conquered my fear the other day. But this was different. This was physically and mentally paralyzing. Even right now as I recount what happened, I find myself being thrown back into that fear and unrest.

I learned that fear isn't okay kept to itself, because it will only breed more fear until you have a whole litter of little fear puppies barking in your head and keeping all the other voices at a distance.

I shared my fear with my two best friends, and my mom and was able to receive encouragement and peace from them. If I hadn't told anybody, I would have drowned in my fear. It would have been ugly. But I neutered my fear and cut it off and told it that it had no place.

God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

There is no fear in a fearless God.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper.

I am strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.

Fear is false. And when it is faced with Truth, it must flee. Fear has no place and no hold unless you give it a foothold to take ground in your life. Don't let fear breed in your life. Cut it off. Neuter it so it can't make little fear puppies that will bark in your ear and silence out all other voices that need to have more weight and importance. Fear wants to paralyze you. Don't let it.

Because You are with me, I will not fear.

37 Lines.

Today at Highlands, Pastor Christ talked on Points of Passion. This is our church's annual way of sharing what our church does locally, nationally and internationally. Let me just say, I feel so honored to be in a church that does so much to reach the lost, the broken and the poor.

4.2 Billion people. Can you even begin to fathom how many that is? Can you wrap your mind around the mass of that number? If you take each person, place them toe to heel with each other in a line, that line, around the widest part of the earth at the equator, would wrap around the globe 37 times. 37. There are 4.2 billion lost people in our world today. 4.2. billion people that desperately need to hear the Gospel message. 4.2 billion people, that if the world ended right now, would spend their eternities in hell, completely separated from God. Can you feel the urgency? Do you feel the despair behind the number of lost souls?

Do you want to hear the cries of the lost? Do something. Close your eyes. Go back to the darkest, worst point in your life, in the deepest pit you have ever found yourself in. Perhaps it was when your parents got divorced. When that man violated you in unspeakable ways. When you were sitting on the floor with a razor blade in hand, slashing your arms. When you were kneeling in front of a toilet with a toothbrush shoved down your throat, emptying your body for the 1000th time, out of your obsessive fear of gaining weight. When you were abandoned, rejection and left alone. When your received beatings as a child. When you wanted to end it all.

Now imagine, in that moment, not knowing that there is a Savior. Not knowing that there was an escape apart from death. Not knowing there was freedom. Not knowing there was somebody who loved you and wanted to see you restored. Not knowing there was a God who sacrificed His Son so that you could be free. If you did not know the hope of Jesus.

Can you hear it? Can you hear the cries of the lost? The broken? The captive? I can. They're calling out.

"Help me!" "Save me!" "Does anybody hear me?" "Does anybody care?" "Where are you, God?" "Will this ever end?" "All I want is to die!" "Will you help me?" "Will you tell me there is hope?"

Let it wreck you. Let it capture your heart.

4.6 BILLION PEOPLE. Not just a number. PEOPLE. Individuals. They all have a name, they all have a face, they all have a story.

Will you let their story interrupt yours? This life is not about us. Its not about our comfortable, cushy, American dream lives. No, its about much much more. Its about what God's heart beats for. If 4.6 Billion doesn't make you cringe, make your heart hurt, there needs to be a serious change.

Let me give you some heart-wrenching facts:

~There are an estimated 163,000,000 orphans in our world today.
~1.2 million children are trafficked every year; this is in addition to the millions already held captive by trafficking.
~Every 2 minutes a child is being prepared for sexual exploitation.
~The average victim of human trafficking is forced to have sex/is raped up to 40 times a day.
~Approximately 800,000 babies are aborted each year.
~ There are 27 million slaves in the world today.
~ Each year, 2 million women disappear from the planet, most of which become victims of human trafficking, and are never heard from again.

I believe that God weeps when He hears these numbers. God weeps when He sees His children suffering, living in captivity to things that His Son died to set them free from. He weeps when He sees injustice.

Will you pray a very dangerous prayer with me?

Break my heart for what breaks Yours. God, transplant Your heart into mine. Let me feel what You feel over the lost and injustice.

He will do it if you ask Him and mean it. Your heart will begin to weep when you see stories of girls being forced into human trafficking, orphans that are starving and dying from malnutrition, children that are being violated and beat by their relatives, babies being murdered and their destinies robbed from them, sick children and their mothers that have to walk through the suffering of their babies, the lost who think there is nothing more to life than drugs, sex and alcohol. Your heart will weep, and it will flow out in an abundance of tears from your eyes.

Ask Him to do it. I dare you.

Today in church I heard the voice of the Lord, commissioning me to something far greater than I can even begin to understand. Let me share with you what I feel He was saying.

"I'm calling you. Bringing you into a new season. Can you even begin to grasp the depth and the width of the number of lost and dying people there are? Think about it. You're called to rescue them. You're called to bring hope to them. You don't know what is inside of you. You don't know how fierce you are. There is something powerful, I placed a relentless spirit inside of you. You don't know the level of impact your life could have if you would only push every single one of your fears aside and begin to rely fully on me for your strength and ability. Remember? With me, ALL things are possible. I created you to reach the 4.6 Billion. I did not call just anybody. I'm not talking to the girl sitting next to you, I'm speaking to you. You are called, you are chosen, you were made to reach the multitudes. Your life mission is to bring as many people to heaven with you as you possibly can. I will release words and strategies from heaven that you will write and speak. "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to proclaim the captives be released, that the blind will see, the oppressed will go free, and the time of the Lord's favor has come." (Isaiah 61) You are anointed. You are called. You were born for such a time as this. No more fear, no more timidity. You are as bold as a lion. Its time to go into the darkness and recover what's been lost."

I want to challenge you with the same thing the Lord challenged me with today. Do you know how scary you are? There is something fierce inside of you. The righteous are as bold as lions. You are a threat to the kingdom of darkness. You are scary to the enemy and the darkness that wages for the souls of man. We are smack dab in the middle of a cosmic battle for eternity.

Are you ready to fight?

Please listen to this song, right now: http://youtu.be/tdiFvye6EQs
And watch this sermon, right now: http://www.churchofthehighlands.com/media/message/37-lines-around#

Commission my soul with a fire uncontrollable for this great cause, to save the lost. Open my eyes to the reason I'm alive, oh Lord, I'm ready now, I'll follow You.

God is calling. Who will answer the call?

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

"There is power in the Name of Jesus to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain."

My world got wrecked today.

Let's backtrack a little bit and I'll give some background information that could be important to explaining what took place today.

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting on the floor of a hotel bathroom in Dallas, sobbing my eyes out. I had a revelation that I had conformed myself so many times to what other people wanted me to be, that I no longer knew who I really was. For each person in my life, I was was a different person, I was who they wanted my to be, not who God made me to be.

Ever since then it has been a journey and a daily process finding out who I am in Christ.

Very shortly after starting Highlands College in August, I realized that I have lived most of my life based off of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being liked. Fear of not having anything to offer. Fear of completely missing the mark in God's plan for my life. Fear of being weak and vulnerable in front of others. One of the biggest things that has been revealed to me is the fact that in group settings, anything other than one on one meetings, I become so paralyzed with the fear of not having anything to offer or bring to the table, that what I have to say won't be significant or meaningful to anyone...so I keep my mouth shut. I know this is the enemy trying to keep me silent because he knows God is preparing me and going to give me a voice later on in the future.

I've lived in denial and tried to tell myself that I'm okay, when I'm not. I am broken and weak. My heart is covered in scars. So much crap has happened to me and I have walked through so many dark seasons in my short 21 years of life. The enemy has a target on my head. All of hell is against me and seeking to take me out.

Well. Today I had coffee with one of my leaders at my school, Brielle. I shared with her everything that God is speaking and revealing to me, all that He is walking me through and the things I most want to learn, grow in, and overcome this year. I shared with her my story, my fears and what God has been speaking to me about fear and all these different things. She rocked my world by sharing with me different life principles and life giving words from God. She sees potential in you, and draws it out. She asked me if I understood how powerful my story is to so many people and that I need to begin to ask God for opportunities to share my story to lend the hope and freedom Jesus gave me to others. She told me that when people compliment me and tell me things that I don't necessarily believe about myself, I need to start saying "Thank You", and not shrugging it off like its not true. She told me that she sees purpose and potential, gifts and talents, and an incredible future that God has planned out for me. She told me that I am unique and I have been given things from God that nobody else has, that I am a very special person with extraordinary potential, that I have been anointed and called. She encouraged me to remain teachable. She challenged me to begin walking out and practicing for the dreams God has given me, and told me that she will hold me accountable to not walking in fear, and to do what I know God has called me to but been too afraid to do. She told me that its okay to be weak and vulnerable in front of people, and that if I ever needed to be weak in front of someone she would be there.

I love the leaders God has positioned in my life. I love the challenge that standard of excellence that they hold me to. I love that they genuinely care and invest in my life, seeing things in me that I don't necessarily see and they pull those things out so they can produce fruit.

The second part of my day. If I can attempt to put it into words for you. Here goes.

On Monday night I went with a small group of girls from my school to help with a spa night for moms of chronically sick kids at the children's hospital...that's another story. Anyway. At this outreach I met a man named Sam. Instant spiritual God connection. He was encouraging me and speaking the most incredible words of life over me the whole night. I wasn't sure why, but I was drawn to him and wanted to talk to him. The only thing I could think of is maybe this is the father figure that I have been asking God to bring into my life for the past few years. Legitimately.

Well today I went to meet up with him at his salon to talk and clearly since God laid it on both of our hearts to have this conversation...God was bound to show up in a powerful way.

And I'm gonna be real right now, I've been sitting here staring at this screen for twenty minutes, trying to come up with how to express what happened and how God wrecked my heart. I have no words. I'm still in awe. My heart is just in an upward position, eyes locked in with Jesus and I just can't look away because I am so amazed at how incredible He is. So I'm gonna let the Holy Spirit write through me to explain what happened.

I began by sharing my story with him, and he shared his with mine (which was incredibly powerful). I love hearing people's stories of how God rescued them and captivated their heart for Himself.

He began to speak things about my heart and life that clearly God was speaking through him, cause everything he was saying was right on tap with the condition of my heart and my circumstances.

I'm gonna do something that isn't normal for me, that used to scare me, and I'm gonna be real, open, and vulnerable with you, dear reader, because I believe that if my story can impact or help even one person, it is worth sharing.

He told me that I have a beautiful heart and I love people a lot, which is seen through my eyes, smile, and the way I interact with people. That I give the most amazing hugs and through that he could feel my heart. But the thing is that I walk around with a guarded heart. I give people glimpses for maybe a few minutes, then shut the door again and don't let them anywhere except surface level conversation.

I have trust issues. I have been burned in the past far too many times. My daddy abandoned my family when I was seven years old. All of my friends, and I mean all, except maybe two, have walked out on me and decided I was no longer worth their love or attention. When I begin to have deep and meaningful relationships, without fail, the other person leaves. You can understand why I would have issues with trust. I hate letting people see my heart, only to have them leave me behind, bleeding and wounded from their words or lack of words.

I carry around guilt and shame. I carry my past around with me. I have baggage, and its heavy and ugly, but I have grown accustomed to carrying it around that I just believed that it was a part of me and I could never get rid of it. I beat myself up over past words, decisions, mistakes, thoughts, relationships, and things I left unspoken.

He noticed that I am quick to forgive and love others, full of grace and compassion...but I have issues extending the same love and forgiveness to myself. I love well, but only for others. I don't believe I am worthy of that love and forgiveness.

He handed me a small cross that said, "With God, ALL things are possible." Then asked me what I was holding in my hands. A cross. A promise. With God, ALL things are possible. He said, "Let me tell you what it doesn't say, 'With God, all things are possible, for everyone except Kasey. No. ALL things are possible.'"

Its okay to cry. Its okay to be weak. Its okay to mourn and feel. I don't allow myself to feel, even though I am capable to feel deeply. I hate feelings and emotions. I equate them with weakness. I have always associated weakness with being negative, but its a good thing in the Kingdom of God.

He said that I am afraid to look into the mirror for any longer that a few seconds, as I am afraid to see what is really there, and I don't like what I see when I look into that mirror. He leaned in close and locked eyes with me, and knew that I wanted someone to see who I really was, what was underneath all the camouflage and layers of wounds and bandages I have placed on my heart.

He told me that the little girl Kasey that was abandoned as a child was still inside of me, and I needed to help her see her pain and circumstances through the eyes of grown up Kasey, who has walked through life and seen the results of her wounds, and then to let God speak to her and offer His hand and heart as a Father.

He told me to put my arm out in front of me, and said that all that I have ever wanted and needed was that close, but I couldn't reach it because of the walls I have built up. The Father's love, being held, someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, someone to tell me how great I am, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, treasured, and loved. Someone to defend me and protect me. Its all right there, in reaching distance, but I still cannot get to it cause there are walls holding me back.

He told me that just because my daddy let me down does not mean that every man in my life will let me down. God will bring along the right one someday. Its okay to trust people. Its okay to trust men.

He shared how he sees great love, potential, and purpose in me and all the walls need to come down and all this junk needed to come off of me in order for me to live out my calling.

I shared about how I had come to the realization that I have lived under the oppression of fear for so long, that it has been a driving force in my life. Fear has paralyzed me. Fear has held me back from seizing God given opportunities.

Honestly, I have heard everything that he told me before. A hundred times. More. But it was always in a sermon, or a book. I have never had somebody, a spiritual authority or father figure, or just flat out anybody, sit down with me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I can have freedom from fear. That I don't have to carry around guilt and shame. That I am worthy of being loved and loving myself the way I love others. That its okay to trust. Its okay to be weak.

That the same healing, love, freedom, joy, and grace that I so firmly believe is for others and that I pray for others to receive all the time...its for me too. I don't know if you understand how huge that is for me. I have freely given, prayed for others for these things, and believed with my whole heart that God works those things out for them. But I have never believed for or asked for those things for myself.

I have never asked God to heal my heart. I haven't with authority commanded my body to be healed. I haven't let the head knowledge sink into my heart that God loves me. Jesus loves me. God sent His Son...for me. I have asked God for forgiveness, but never felt worthy, never fully able to accept His forgiveness cause I always am asking, constantly bringing things back up that I've done, things that He has forgotten about already still haunt my mind.

Could anything I did be worse than killing Christians for a living? Paul, who wrote over 2/3 of the New Testament, before He was blinded on the road by Jesus and had his life transform, was a killer. God forgave him and used him to spread the Gospel throughout the whole world, and we still feel his impact today.

If God can use a killer, He can use broken me.

Then we prayed. Heaven met earth. I could feel God's healing power washing over me. His freedom being poured into my heart, mind, soul, every area of my life. My heart changed. As I cried, my tears hit the dry ground of my heart and watered areas that I had buried and left untouched for years. God poured out His peace on my mind, an area that has been under constant torment for my whole life.

I now am willing and ready to accept things that I was not willing to accept of do prior to this meeting.

I am willing to forgive myself and realize that part of the forgiveness God wants us to extend is to ourselves. I no longer look at my past, or even myself with shame or guilt. I have been made new, holy, I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.

I treasure my past and all of my suffering and trials that I have been through, they have shaped me into who I am today. They have built of strength and character. I look at what I have been through and I see the faithfulness of God to His promise of being with me wherever I go. "Never will I leave you or forsake you." Truth. He has never left, and in the times where He has felt distant, it was my heart that walked away from Him.

I am willing to love myself. To not neglect my own heart any longer. I don't care what people thing or say about me any longer. It doesn't matter. Frankly, I'm awesome. I've only ever said that out of sarcasm, but I really do love the person God has created me to be. And I don't say that out of pride, I just now know, understand and truly believe that God has made me exactly the way He wanted and God's creation is awesome.

He explained to me that the two opinions that matter are God's opinion of me, and my own opinion of myself. God is ultimately who I answer to and the One I live to love and serve. And my own opinion will shape how I live and see the world.

I have spoken death over myself for my whole life. I have said words like, "You're ugly. You're worthless. You're not good enough. You will never amount to anything. You will never be able to do what God has called you to do. You're not worthy of love. You're not worthy of forgiveness. You can't do it. You're fat. You're a disgrace to your family, and to God. Nobody really cares about you. You're alone." See the thing about words is that they have the power to bring life or kill, and I was killing myself through my words. And if you say something for long enough, you begin to believe it. I believed every lie that was ever spoken over me, and every word that I have ever spoken over myself. I now understand the power of my words and I will no speak death over myself.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am beautiful. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am perfect and flawless in His sight. I have been made new. My past and my dirt do not define me. I have been washed in the Blood of Jesus. I have been given a purpose and a calling to do great and mighty things. I am pure. I am holy. I am an heir with God and a co-heir with Jesus. I am more than a conqueror. I am fierce. I am scary to the kingdom of darkness. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am made in the image and likeness of God. I reflect God's heart and love to the world. I am captivating. I am able, and when I am unable, God is able to do all things in and through me. LIFE. No more death.

I am free. I don't have to live in fear. Fear does not have any hold on my life, and it never will again. No matter what attack I come under, and I know they will never stop because satan will do everything in his power to take me out. But the good news is that I have the authority and he doesn't. I can tell him to leave in Jesus Name and he must flee. I can speak with all authority under Heaven and earth that has been given to me by God.

I am not afraid. I will live fearless. And if fear comes along and tries to keep me from God's plans and promises, I will rebuke it and if I must, I will do it afraid. Fear has no hold over me.

Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble. But, take heart! For I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Trouble is a promise. But our victory is a promise as well. We as believers fight from victory, not to victory.

After we got done praying, he took his "iCAN" bracelet off and placed it on my wrist. (I can't even tell you how much this thing means to me now. This day was a breaking point and catalyst in my life and this is an everyday reminder of what God did.) iCan do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. ALL things. There is nothing that is too much for me to handle, with Jesus on my side. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:28) Strength the conquer anything. I CAN. I will no longer speak words of defeat, no, because I can. God can. God lives inside of me.

With God, ALL things are possible. I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength. Not some things, not a few things, ALL things.

God wrecked my world. Everything has changed. Everything.

I had this beautiful moment after I left. I went into my car and all I could do was sit there in amazement at how powerful my God is, and how much He loves and believes in me. I turned on my iPod and "Here in Your Presence" popped on.

"Found in Your hands, fullness of joy. Every fear, suddenly wiped away. Here in Your presence." Precisely what had just happened. I entered into the most Holy place, and every single fear I had once given power over me was wiped away.

I realized that I was carrying around chains, but because I have Jesus inside of me, those chains were already broken long ago. I had been carrying around broken chains. BROKEN CHAINS. They became broken the moment I surrendered my heart to Jesus. I didn't have to carry them around. But strongholds had been built up in my mind, and I completely believed that they had power over me and that I could never get rid of them. They were broken chains. I was finally able to just throw them on the ground and be done with them. Chains that have fully intact shackles may have power, but I was carrying around broken chains that only have power if you give it to them. In the Name of Jesus, every chain is broken. Throw them down and be free.

Jesus is the seed of hope. I now have hope where there once was shame, guilt, fear, condemnation, distrust, and insecurity. I have courage.

God has given me Joshua 1:9 as one of my life verses, and no wonder, the very thing that God has spoken over me (courage), the enemy tries to use as his strongest weapon against me (fear).

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I will be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged. I know that the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.

I am ready to go tear it up. I am ready to go light up the world with the Love of Jesus. I am ready to share my story of what God has done in my life and see others brought into the same freedom and hope. I am ready to go and fulfill that which God had in mind when He created me before the foundations of the earth.

Here I am, Lord, send me.

breaking in vulnerability

Jesus can teach lessons through anything. I suppose that's why one of His names is the Great Teacher.

On Wednesday I was driving home from visiting my sister in Florida and all of a sudden felt pain like somebody stabbing a dagger into my abdomen. It hurt to sit. It hurt to move. It hurt to stand. It hurt to laugh. This continued the whole day until I got back into Birmingham. Then it start to hurt to breathe. I asked a few friends and my mom what I should do and the general consensus was to go to the hospital. I reluctantly called one of my friends and asked her to drive me. I am absolutely terrified of doctors and I am not too fond of hospitals either.

I told them what was going on and they seemed pretty concerned and I had to get a CT Scan. They came back and told me I had a cyst the size of a tennis ball on my ovary and I would have to stay overnight and be admitted to the women's ward in the hospital to get an ultrasound and possibly surgery the next day.

I realized in that moment that I am absolutely terrified of letting my walls down and allowing others to see my weaknesses and fears. I wanted to weep. I was so scared and overwhelmed with fear. But my friend Caroline was with me, so I had to do everything I could to not open the floodgates. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like letting others see me cry. I don't like being seen in weakness.

I live 1300 miles away from my family and all I wanted was for my mom and sisters to be with me, but that wasn't an option. I had my amazing Highlands College sisters with me almost the whole time, but I so badly wanted my mama and sisters. I had to constantly talk to Jesus and ask for strength, cause I was freaking out on the inside the whole time.

The next day I found out that it would be the best option to get surgery to get the cyst removed. I had mixed feelings about it, but mostly fear. I was glad to be getting rid of the source of the worst physical pain I've ever felt in my life, but I was overwhelmed with fear and nerves at the same time. Fear of being put to sleep, fear of being cut open, fear of not knowing what was going to happen to me, and fear of being naked and vulnerable in front of the doctors and several nurses.

When I was in the pre-op room, my friends and leaders from HC were with me offering courage and prayers. Caroline, Sandlyn, Brielle, Miss Mary and Momma Jane all came to support me and be there for me when I most needed them. I wasn't really talking or doing anything because I was so paralyzed with fear, I'm sure you could see the fear on my face and I was getting nervous red splotches on my neck and chest. Momma Jane started playing worship songs about healing and came over and sat on my bed and they all laid hands on me and prayed for me. At that point I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I gave in and was absolutely weeping. I was allowing others to see my weakness and that is a huge step for me.

I was sitting there vulnerable and naked (literally. but covered. ha!)...and emotionally allowing others into my place of weakness and fear when I didn't have the strength to hide my heart any longer. Allowing other women into the place I was so afraid of letting them see. I have lived my whole life out of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of others seeing who I really am and what I really feel. It was in that moment of weakness and vulnerability that all of that broke over me. I decided that I would no longer live in fear. I decided that I would no longer hide who I am, but allow people in to see my true colors and let them into my heart. I would no longer hide under the layers of insecurity and trying to be something I'm not. I would allow others to enter into my world and allow myself to influence them with the heart God placed inside of me, and allow myself to be influenced by the hearts God has given them.

When I was sitting on that hospital bed, drugged up, exhausted and fearful...I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of people for the first time in a long time. It was my breaking point. I will not hide my emotions or my heart any longer. I will share my world and heart with others. I will no longer try to fight battles by myself or rely on my own strength, cause flat out, sometimes I don't have any strength to lean on. I will not put on a strong face anymore and pretend everything is okay when my heart is in turmoil.

After that moment, I was able to be taken away to surgery fully confident in the love of God for me, my HC family, and knowing that I was in God's hands and there was no reason to fear because everything would be perfectly fine.

Its quite absurd the different things that God can use to break us and teach us lessons to set us free from strongholds and mindsets that perhaps could have been lifelong. Right now I am learning how to rest and be served during recovery. But that's a whole other story!

Tribute to Luke.

I never thought I would have to walk through something like this.

On Monday, July 11, 2011, my best guy friend, Luke, was killed. He was pulling out of his driveway, dropped his gun on the floor of his car, reached to grab it and the gun accidentally fired, the bullet going through his hand, chest, then head. His car went through a number of fences and rolled several times. I found on the next day, on his Facebook.

My heart sunk.

How could that possibly be? How could he be gone, here on minute and gone the next?

It is still not real to me. I have wept and cried and tried to process things, but it still all seems so surreal. It hasn't fully hit me yet.

What makes it all the more worse, to me, is that he was coming to pick me up that night. We were going to spend time together. He said he was feeling alone, so I suggested we go hang out. If only we hadn't decided to go out, perhaps Luke would still be alive. I can't help but think of the "what ifs". I feel guilty, but I know he wouldn't want me to.

I want to share with you a little bit about this extraordinary young man I had the privilege of knowing for a short year.

Luke wasn't what society would call "normal". No, he marched to the beat of his own drum, and didn't care what people thought about him. He wasn't perfect, but he was incredibly real. Probably one of the most real people I have ever known. He was always open and honest, showing who He was in everything that he did.

Luke was selfless. He was always there to extend a helping hand to those in need, and he never expected anything in return. A true servant.

Luke was passionate. He was deeply in love with His Savior, Jesus Christ. He was passionate about sharing Jesus with others and seeing them come to know the Lord how he had. A few weeks ago he told me that one of his friends he had been talking to for a very long time about Jesus finally made the decision to ask Jesus to come into his life, and Luke was so excited.

He was passionate about justice. Luke and I were in the process of starting a human trafficking awareness group, called Empathy Strike, to educate people and do what we could to damage this horrendous form of darkness. He loved justice.

He was kind. He was empathetic. Compassionate. He was always a listening ear, and always cared about what others were going through.

Luke was funny. He had a wild and crazy sense of humor, and I remember all the times he made me laugh like few people could.

He called me "AK". One day he said, "Your name backwards is 'Yesak', so the only logical thing to call you is 'AK'...so he did. I'm going to miss that. The times I look at my phone and wish I could get a text from him 'AK. Poke.' But that won't happen.

He saw worth in people that no one else would see, recognize, or acknowledge. He was the first guy to see and show me my worth, without having alternative intentions. He built up mine and many others' confidence and self-value.

He proved to me that chivalry still exists. He opened doors. He helped me put my coat on in the winter. He paid for things when we hung out. A true gentleman.

There really are no words to do justice to how much of an extraordinary person Luke was. He was full of love.

But, Luke is no longer here. He is with Jesus. He is happy. He no longer has to suffer from the constant torment and attack the enemy was always throwing at him. He has entered into the joy of his salvation.

To be honest, I'm kind of jealous of him. He got to see Jesus first. He gets to behold the God of everything for the rest of eternity.

Luke, you will never know the impact you had on my life and on so many others. You were my brother. I love you. I will miss you. I cling tight to the hope that you are with our Lord and I will see you again one day.

There is a verse that I believe describes his life perfectly. It says,

Micah 6:8 (MSG) -- "But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously."

Do justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with your God.

Your memory will go on forever, dear friend. Give Jesus the biggest hug in the history for me. I'll see you on the other side.

Be Who You Were Created to Be!

So many times in life we care far too much what others think about us. I've had enough.

Tonight, I dressed up like a cow to get free Chick-Fil-A. I drove with the windows down with Lecrae blasting through the speakers. I'm six feet tall and wore 4-inch heels to church.

And through all of this, I did not care what people thought.

Honestly, why are the opinions of others so often the defining factor for how we live our lives? I don't understand. Life is too short to live to please others.

I am saying this now, but it the past I was most definitely a people pleaser. I used to be consumed with making other people happy, and focusing all my efforts on making people like me. I was so scared of rejection that I would do anything to make people like me.

I even got to the point where I realized that I had conformed myself so many times to what other people wanted me to be, that I no longer knew who I was. This was back in November. Sitting locked in a hotel bathroom in Dallas, crying harder than I had in a long time, breaking down in the middle of an identity crisis. I had no idea who I was. I was a mixture of what so many other people wanted me to be that I had forgotten who I was, who I wanted to be, and most importantly the woman that God created me to be.

I made a resolution that I was not going to conform to the desires of others any longer. I was on a mission to find out who I was and live the way that God created me to live. I let go of my obsessive need to please people and knew that I was created to please God and Him alone.

I can now say "no" to people and not have a fear that they will be upset or not like me anymore, because first of all, that is completely ridiculous, and second of all, I just don't care. Because really...if someone loves you it isn't based off of what you can do for them, and if it is, you shouldn't be friends cause they are only in it for themselves.

I can talk about my morals, my Jesus, my testimony and my beliefs and not care what people think of me. It doesn't matter. I stand firm in what I believe and I will not be shaken. I am determined to take as many people as I can to Heaven with me. Today I was told "Its not like Bible days where virginity was important and you waited for marriage to have sex. Sex is the way of the world now, there's something wrong with you and there's no reason to wait. " I simply said, "I refuse to give myself to someone who I am not in a covenant with and who is not prepared to love and lay his life down for me for the rest of his life. I'm waiting. You can say what you want but I am not gonna change my mind." Really..."The way of the world."...all the more reason not to do it, cause we are called to be separate from the world.

The lies of rejection and abandonment make people do the most absurd things to get others to like them. Just stop. Stop caring what people think and it will be one of the most freeing things you will ever experience. Chains will fall and break when you begin to live for an audience of One.

Go discover yourself and be who you were created to be. :)

Dancing With Jesus

This post is a response to a blog post entitled, "Hey, Stripper!" It hit my heart and I had to share what began to stir inside of me as I read each word. It holds such deep truth and encouragement for both men and women. So many times we hear the lies of culture and exposure makes us start to believe them, but we must be reminded of the Truth. (seeprestonblog.com/2011/07/hey-stripper/)

I work with 90% men. I am one of two girls that works dayshift at my job, sometimes I love it, and other times I loathe it and wish I had a female counterpart to express my frustration to. All day I listen to the guys make comments and gestures about women and young girls that come into my store. "I'd bone that." "Hey mama." "Ooohh piece of candy!" "I would do unspeakable things to her in bed." "That girl has some ass!" All day. Everyday.

One day they were talking and saying that if you start a relationship by paying for things, eventually the girl will get comfortable around you and all of a sudden they show up in sweats and no makeup and ask to go do something. One guy says, "So I say to that, 'well, go change into something where I can see your ass, fix your face, and then maybe we'll talk about going out."

I honestly don't know if I have heard more disrespectful comments about women than ones I have heard at work. So, having been around this for nearly a year and a half, I have had to fight to not believe what I have heard and seen. Is all men want really an ass, breasts and sex? Something to look at, touch, feel and use for their own pleasure? Why are the only girls that they pay attention to the ones with shorts skirts and cleavage hanging out?

I have, time after time, made a commitment to live in purity. In the way I dress, speak, act, think and live out my life; in the secret place, in public, around my girlfriends and especially around guys. You know how much male attention I get? Little to none. The only guys who take notice are desperate, old creepers who just want a young piece of meat. I swear its like my mother is praying that I get no male attention so I keep my focus on God. (I know she does this, she did it with my sister until her husband came along and we knew he was the one.) So frustrating. And it only feeds the lie that in order to get attention, I have to dress a certain way, have my hair perfectly groomed in a way that accentuates my face, and have no flaws or at least have make-up covering any ones I might have.

I want a man to love me for my heart, my personality, and I know I have so much to offer, but it frustrates me to no end that no man seems to want that. Maybe who I am isn't enough.

About three years ago, I bought into the lie that I was fat and in order to be loved and worth something I needed to lose weight. I began starving myself, skipping meals, throwing up everything I ate, and running in all my spare time. I lost weight rapidly, but I lost a lot more. I lost my health, I lost my self-worth, I lost my drive to fight-and gave into every lie the enemy was feeding me. I was stuck in this life for nearly seven months before Jesus stepped into my dark pit and lifted me out, setting me completely free.

I am getting mixed signals. Like an AM radio. So many different sounds, and so hard to make out which one to listen to. One says, "guys only like you for your body." Another says, "no guy will ever notice you unless you show him what he wants to see." Another shouts, "Just give him what he wants to feel loved, wanted!"

But the voice that shouts louder than them all and makes all other fade away, is not a shout, but a still small voice. He is saying, "Daughter. I love you. You are worth far more than the most expensive diamonds on earth. Protect your heart. Hide yourself in me. Dance with me, and when the time comes, I will let the right man take your hand and you will dance with him for the rest of your lives. You are beautiful. You are treasured. You are loved. Your patience and endurance will pay off in my timing. Wait."

Lovely one, it may not seem like you are noticed, wanted, or loved by a man. I know that this struggle is especially prevalent for you beautiful souls that did not have a father around to tell you how beautiful you are, how much he loves you, how much of a treasure you are. I grew up without my father. I never heard the words, "You are lovely. You captivate me." And oh how my heart longs to hear those words.

Fatherless sister, you are not fatherless, you have a Father. He is perfect. He will never leave you. He will never turn away from you. He is captivated by your every move. He can't wait for you to wake up in the morning, just so He can talk to you, watch you, love on you. He wants to wrap you in His arms and tell you how amazing you are. His embrace is eternal. Crawl up into the lap of your Father and listen to His heartbeat. Let Him sing the song He is singing over your life into your ear. He loves you with an everlasting love. You are loved. You are treasured.

Beloved sister, if you have been used, abused, violated, or given yourself freely to a man in hopes of feeling love. You may feel dirty and worthless, but I have good news for you. You have been made new. There is hope, there is forgiveness and restoration. Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation, the old has been buried and the NEW has come. God wipes away every stain and blemish on our lives, and calls us clean. God throws our sins and past into the ocean and puts up a "No Fishing" sign. No one can bring up your past but you. The blood of Jesus makes you pure. You are not a "slut" or a "whore", you simply wanted to be loved, and my heart breaks for you. Let Jesus take your filth and rags, and replace them with a pure white wedding gown.

Lovely One, YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are worth being loved, treasured, respected, and honored by a man who has fallen in love with your heart and the beauty that radiated from the inside to the outside. Don't sell yourself short. Don't lower your expectations. Don't reveal yourself to a man who is not prepared to serve and love you for the rest of his life within a covenant relationship. Who you are is enough. Who you are is perfect for the man God has waiting for you. Pray for him and guard your heart.

Dance with Jesus.

Paid In Full

I was talking with a friend about the issue of human trafficking and how the evil behind it makes me incredibly sick. I made a comment about how I think that every sick man or woman who sells or buys a woman or child for their own pleasure deserves to have each limb torn off of their body and chopped up into pieces, suffering immense amounts of pain. Then it hit me, I am deserving of the same sentence. My sin put Jesus on the cross every bit as much as each sick pervert who uses innocent girls and children. My sin ripped my Savior's back to shreds just as much as the murderer, the adulterer, the pervert, the thief, and the liar. It was my sin that drove 8 inch spikes through my Beloved's wrists and feet. I am no less deserving of judgement as someone I see as "evil". Granted, evil does exist and is very prevalent in our world, the Bible says that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. I deserve hell just as much as the woman who murdered her child and was found "not guilty".

We all deserve hell. We all deserve death. We all deserve execution.

But I suppose that this is the beauty of mercy. Every one of us humans deserve death, but there is a God who is our Forgiver, Redeemer, and Savior. There is no spectrum of sin in His eyes, all sin is the same. Murder and a "little white lie"? Its the same and with the standard of grace there is no difference. People see wrongdoings and sin as having a scale of "okay" to "death deserving", when really, God sees it as all the same. We all deserve the same fate. But because of the mercy of God, we can have forgiveness and be saved from hell.

I don't think we understand the gravity of what we have been saved from. We were saved from an eternity of complete separation from the presence of God. An eternity of suffering. An eternity of loneliness. Jesus came down and became one of us, and took back the keys of death, and plucked us up from the power that hell had over our lives. We have been made new. Free.

I am guilty. But the precious blood of Jesus has washed over me and cleansed my sins. He nailed my sins to the cross and marked my life, my wickedness, "PAID IN FULL." He paid for all of our lives. The price has been paid. So, as easy as it is to judge and comment about how horrible someone is, we must strive to live to demonstrate the same mercy we have been shown. Every life has a sign nailed to its soul, stating "Paid In Full.", if they accept the gift of Christ Jesus. Forgiveness is available to all who will humble themselves and simply ask for it.

Will you continue to carry around a debt you could never pay, or will you accept the free gift of Jesus and let Him wash you in His blood so that when God looks at you, He sees that you have been marked, "PAID IN FULL."?

James 2:13 "There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you"

Worship

WORSHIP: to adore or revere.
Worship is an outward expression of an inner condition or working.
Worship is not only songs, it is found in lifestyle.
Worship is to love with all your heart, soul, mind and body.
There is something about singing, surrendering your heart to something greater than yourself.
Worship is a working of the heart.
Worship requires humility.
Worship completely takes the focus off of self, and places the focus on God.
The Lord inhabits the praises of His people.
Worship is love.


"You make the sun stand still, the oceans part, You're powerful, its who You are!"
"Now the plans that I have made, fail to compare, when I see Your glory."
"Hosanna, You are the God who saves us. Worthy of all our praises!"
"You are my supply, my breath of life, still more awesome than I know."
"When You could just be silent and leave us here to die, still You sent Your Son for us, You are on Our side."
"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me."
"His love is deep, His love is wide and it covers us. His love is fierce, His love is strong, it is furious."
"Your presence is all I need, its all I want and all I seek, and without it there's no meaning."
"We belong to You, Father. Love has come, we are orphans no longer."
"There is no one like our God."
"You're the Lord of creation. You're the King above all kings."
"Hallelujah, Hallelujah, King of kings and Lord of lords, forever I am Yours."
"Found in You are the arms of love, the arms of grace. You alone are the One I trust."
"Our God reigns, forever His Kingdom reigns."
"You can make all things new. Only Your power can raise us."
"When the world is falling out from under me, I'll be found in You, still standing."
"Before there was time, there were visions in Your mind. There was death in the fall of mankind, but there was life in salvation's design."
"Your love is extravagant. Your friendship is intimate."
"You surround me like a winter fog. You've come and burned me with a kiss."
"Indescribable. Uncontainable. You placed the stars in the sky, and You know them by name."
"Holy is the Lord, God Almighty. The earth is full of His glory."
"You made it all, said let there be, and there was all that we see."
"You spread out your arms over empty hearts, said "Let there be light" and to a dark and hopeless world Your Son was born."
"My Beloved is beautiful, He's dazzling in excellence."
"You are stronger, sin is broken You have saved me."
"Clothed in rainbows of living color. Flashes of lightening, rolls of thunder. Blessing and honor strength and glory and power be to You the only Wise King."
"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM!"
"Beautiful Savior, Wonderful King."
"Here is our King, here is our Love, here is our God who's come to bring us back to Him."
"Lord You have my heart, and I will search for Your. Jesus take my life and lead me on."
"Far better is to be with You even for a day than to live 1000 years and to never see one glimpse of Your face."
"You are the source of life, I won't be left behind. No one else will do, I will take hold of You."
"You are the One thing that remains."
"From You, through You, and to You are all things."
"You hold it all together, You hold it all forever, You started it all, You are my All in All."
"My Savior, my Healer, Redeemer, that is who You are. Creator, my Maker, my Father."
"Perfect One, Matchless King, Beautiful Son, creation sings...'Who is like our God?'"
"We take heart, for You have overcome the world."
"I may be weak, but Your Spirit is strong in me. My flesh may fail, by my God You never will."
"I put my hope in You, there's nothing else to do."
"There is a Redeemer. Jesus, God's own Son. Precious Lamb of God, Messiah, Holy One."
"As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, certain as the dawn appears."
"You are good when there's nothing good in me."
"You are peace when my fear is crippling."
"You are light when the darkness closes in."
"Beautiful God, laying Your majesty aside, You reached out in love to show me life. Lifted from darkness into light. King for a slave, trading Your righteousness for shame. Despite all my pride and foolish ways. Caught in Your infinite embrace. I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche."
"Like the rising sun that shines, only You can raise a life, awake my soul and sing. From the darkness comes a light, awake my soul."
"Jesus, You are my best friend, and You will always be."
"Love that's stronger, love that covers sin and takes the weight of the world."
"Your love's enough to see the broken heart find a brand new start with a brand new heart."
"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory."
"I believe You're my healer. I believe You are all I need. I believe You're my portion. I believe, You're more than enough for me. Jesus You're all I need."
"Christ has risen from the dead, come awake."
"There is a God who loves me, who wraps me in His arms."
"You are unfailing, God. Your love is unending. And Your Word is eternal, firm in the heavens it stands."
"The mountains shake before Him. The demons run and flee at the mention of the Name, King of Majesty. There is no power in hell, nor any who can stand before the power and the presence of the Great I AM."
"You make everything glorious."
"You alone can rescue, You alone can save."
"Light of the world, You stepped down into darkness. Opened my eyes, let me see."
"Jesus, You call me friend. Jesus, You're my life within."

Brand New Life.

I love Springtime. Other than Summer, it is my favorite season. I love how things that were dead all of a sudden begin to come back to life. Everything is green, the trees are filled with shades of pink, white, and yellow flowers. The trees regain their leaves. Everything comes back to life.

Rain. Rain is intoxicating. There is something so refreshing, so healing about water falling from the sky and cleansing all of creation in its springs. I love the smell of rain, the feel of walking outside and being washed by nature's shower. It washes my soul, and my heart feels hope.

Rain, and every aspect of Spring offers an incredible reminder of what Jesus has done for us.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

Our humanity has left us broken, wounded, scarred, and undone. Alone, we cannot make it in this world. Our hearts have been so ravaged by the world and the ways in which it seeks to destroy us, but, there is a hope for a new and better life. This life is not perfect, by any means. It is full of trouble, hardships, pain, and brokenness, however; in the midst of all this, there is hope and life available through the One who gave Himself for us. He gave His life away to provide us with a new life. Through His Blood, our humanity and souls are washed and made new. Through His death, we can experience death of the flesh and human nature, and through His resurrection, we are given new life. From the grave, from death, comes life.

My friend, though this may sound too good to be true, I can assure you that it is true. My life was broken, wounded, shattered and left in ruins. Then, Jesus found me when I wasn't even looking for Him, and He gave me a new life. He took away my heartache, my addiction, my insecurities, my fears and my inability to truly love or trust. He made me new. He gave me joy, hope, love and a purpose and reason to live.

My prayer is that you would allow Him to do the same for you. His arms are open, waiting to give you new life, but you have to run to Him. He is pursuing you with all His might and affections, but He wants you to invite Him in. He is a gentleman and will not impose Himself upon you if it is not your desire to have Him. Once you run into His arms, I assure you, it is the most wonderful, deep love you will ever experience.

You will truly be made new. The picture of the yellow flower is significant to this discussion, I promise. I planted this tulip in the middle of my backyard when I was about 8 years old. Every year, without fail, this flower will come bursting out of the ground. It is my reminder that even from the dead, life will come forth.

Change of Direction

My life is beginning to take a completely different turn than I ever expected it would. It all started my sophomore year of high school. I was at my old youth group, _Tag, and the church interns in a program called 24/7 were talking about their trip to Mexico. God told me, quite clearly, that I would be doing 24/7 in the future. I initially said, "NO". I thought it was too intense and that I was not 24/7 material, so I just pushed it to the side and forgot about it. Well, about 2 years ago, God began to bring the idea back to my memory, and I began to pray. I went in with my stubbornness saying, no, this is never going to happen. And now, I know, beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is where God is leading me. And I could not be more excited.

I had planned to finish college, and right now I am only one semester away from obtaining my Associate of Arts degree. Well, that is being put on hold for now. I don't really know why I have been going to school, I guess cause it made me feel like I was doing something that mattered. And it did, its not like I was hurting anything by going to school and getting a college education. But, right now, God is leading me to a different path, at least for a season.

This change is kind of intimidating, and it scares me in more way that one. I will be leaving home to move all the way across the country, to Sweet Home ALABAMA! Leaving my family, my church, my city, my job...everything I have ever known I am leaving to follow Jesus and His call. I don't know what I'm gonna do without my Mama, but I know I will get by with the strength of God. I am scared because I am going without all the funding I need. I am working full time this summer to raise as much money as I can, and just leaving to go and trust God to provide all that I need while I am there. It scares me because I know that this will be the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, it will be incredibly challenging. I know that I will reach a deeper level of brokenness than I have ever known.

But despite being intimidated by the unknown, I feel the deepest peace about this next step, and I know that it is where God is leading me to go next. August 20th. Highlands College. Birmingham, Alabama.

Bring it on, Jesus!